An Australian, former top rugby player, Dan Palmer, has come out as gay in a self-penned column for the Syndey Morning Herald.
Palmer, 32, began by saying the column was “something I have been very apprehensive about writing. I have not been forced to do this, nor do I seek the attention it may bring.”
Palmer is a former vice-captain of Super Rugby side ACT Brumbies. He was selected to play one match for Australia’s national rugby union team, nicknamed the Wallabies, in 2012. His coming out makes him the first Wallaby to do so. Following his career in Australia, he played briefly for the French team FC Grenoble. He is now a coach and studying for a Ph.D.
However, he says that at the height of his career, he would cry himself to sleep, fearful of anyone discovering his sexuality. He says he was “living the dream” but trapped in a “false narrative.”
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“I was incredibly frustrated, angry and desperately sad. I despised myself and the life I was living,” wrote Palmer.
“Most nights, I cried myself to sleep and routinely numbed myself with a heavy cocktail of opioids.”
Related: Olympic gymnast Danell Leyva comes out
He says he hit a rock bottom whilst in France. He awoke from an overdose of painkillers in a pool of his own vomit.
Palmer says, “I fantasized about disappearing, changing my name and starting my life all over again. It is not an exaggeration to say my own death felt preferable to anybody discovering I was gay.”
Aged 25, and unable to keep his secret any longer, he confided to a friend in London. He talks emotionally about the flight to London, and the deep anxiety he felt about choosing to talk to someone.
“I distinctly remember not being able to say a word to him until we sat down at a restaurant where I cried uncontrollably across the table for minutes before passing him the note I had written on my phone.
“I don’t remember what he said after reading my message, but I do remember that he got it right. He was the first person I told that I was gay in my 25 years on the planet.”
Telling just one person brought Palmer some relief, but he felt he needed to make major changes in his life and start a new chapter. He decided it was time to walk away from rugby and enrolled at university back in Australia.
He went on to talk about his continuing struggles to come out more widely, fearing people would view him as “untrustworthy” for hiding his authentic self for so long.
“I was an expert at playing the role expected of me and maintaining the fictional character that had been created.”
Palmer says that the controversy over the remarks of another Wallabies player, evangelical Christian Israel Folau, had weighed heavily on him. Folau was fired by Rugby Australia in 2019 for social media postings that said gay people would go to hell. Folau later sued and settled with the organization over his dismissal.
“Although it wasn´t the primary impetus for me doing this, the longer the Folau saga dragged on, the more I felt a responsibility to say something,” said Palmer.
“To me, what is more important than the damage he has caused rugby is the deep impact he has undoubtedly had on kids who looked up to him, and who struggle every day with understanding their sexuality.
“He will never see the impact he has had on these young people, but if he could, I doubt he could live with himself.
“Thankfully, from my experience in rugby, views like Israel´s are the exception, not the rule.”
Related: Pro rugby player and boy bander Levi Davis comes out as bi
Before Palmer, the most high-profile Rugby Union player to come out was former Welsh captain Gareth Thomas, who came out in 2009.
Other players have posted supportive messages about Palmer since his column appeared today.
“Dan Palmer is one of the best men I got to know and play alongside in rugby. Incredibly hard working and an actual genius,” wrote Former Wallaby and ACT Brumbies flanker David Pocock on Twitter.
Current Wallabies captain Michael Hooper told reporters, “I feel really happy for Dan. He’s a great bloke, he’s a great Wallaby … His words speak loud in the article.”
WashDrySpin
Dan speaks of internal trauma…I am pleased that he did not hurt himself and I am hopeful that he received counseling and continues to receive it….
XX
That’s a very wholesome thing to say @WashDrySpin I wish there was more positivity around these comments 🙂 thank you!
Thad
At first I thought this was about Dan Butler, who played Bulldog Briscoe on Frazier. There ARE similarities. Best wishes to Aussie Dan and thanks for being honest.
Donston
This kind of stuff reminds you of what “coming out” is supposed to be about. It’s not the commercialization of “pride” or the constant promotion of identity politics or constant sexual pandering. It’s about trying to obtain a sense of self-understanding and obtain freedom and peace. Good luck to him.
pscheck2
I commend Dan for coming out and not go the faux route of ‘Bearding!’ There are now about a half-dozen NFL players using ‘Beards’ either as GF or are married to them! A recent one is an upcoming player who latched on to a professional who just ended a ‘Beard’ session with another NFL player! In this case, I think he may be duped into a marriage, as he just signed a multimillion dollar contract, and she gushed all over the place in celebrating his good fortune! It’s a shame, a gay person cannot be himself and not let judgements of family and/or friends force him to use these ‘devices’ to cover up his true orientation! Again, Dan, I am glad you didn’t fall into that trap- and your coming out is helping a lot of kids just experiencing their sexual awakening , now have a real hunk for their role model!
Donston
“Bearding” and feeling external/internal pressures to present a hetero relationship have always been things and will continue to be things. But I never want to judge any relationship or make outright assumptions about anyone’s orientation. Some of these dudes do feel an exorbitant amount of financial, ego, sociological, family, job pressures and do contend with shame, a damaged ego and internalized homophobia. But you also don’t ever really know what’s going on with someone looking from the outside. You don’t know exactly what someone is motivated by. You don’t know about their mental state and mental health. You don’t truly know about their sexuality, what type of fluidity or confusions they might have experienced, or where they fit in the romantic, sexual, affirmation, emotional, commitment spectrum. So, I am leery of claiming someone is almost entirely driven by appearances and leery of deeming anyone a beard.
Kangol2
I appreciated this article about Dan Palmer’s coming out a lot, and praise him. As he makes clear, homophobia, external and internalized, led him to a point of near breakdown. I’m glad he had a friend who listened and provided support, and that he’s not only out now but continues to understand what kept him in the closet and so miserable. It’s really important that he’s speaking out specifically against homophobes like Israel Folau, noting the damage they do to children and adults, and to society in general, by promoting hate. Religion is no excuse for oppressing others, though it far too often is still used as a weapon.
CityguyUSA
Pretty soon Trump will be coming out with his lover Pence.