Losing one’s virginity is something that most of us will always remember. It can be memorable for both good and bad reasons. However, the experiences of one teenager have illustrated the dangers of choosing to meet up with strangers.
The teen, who does not wish to be named, lives in Canada. He shared his story on Reddit, where it prompted dozens of comments and hundreds of upticks.
“I’m horny and felt really horny this morning so I downloaded Grindr,” begins the 18-year-old.
“I started chatting with this guy and he sent me a couple pics, he seemed legit so I went over to his apartment complex. He opened the complex’s basement garage and I went in and I couldn’t find the elevator up so I took the stairs, turns out they lock automatically so I had to wait for him to come get me in the stairwell.
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“He came to rescue me but I didn’t realize it was him at first and I got catfished basically, for some reason I still went to his room (we had to be quiet because his grandma was in the other room) and we started kissing.”
Catfishing is the term used when someone uses photos of someone else on their dating app or online profile.
Related: Man impales self on table leg after jumping from third floor balcony during hookup gone wrong
“I hated his kissing and closed my eyes the whole time,” continued the teen.
“He started sucking my dick and playing with my nipples, it felt so good but he then started giving me a hickey (which I didn’t even realize) and started putting lube in my ass and his dick, he didn’t put enough and he took off his protection mid-sex so it hurt a little bit.
“Afterwards, I saw the hickey and went to his washroom to clean up and try to ice it but it wasn’t working. He then started plucking my grey hairs?? and I tried to leave but he didn’t let me.
“Finally, I had a friend call me saying there was an emergency then I finally left. I cried all the way on the ride to my friend’s house because I regretted and was shameful of what I had just done. She helped conceal the hickey with makeup and then went to Sephora with me afterwards to try to find better shades for it.”
Many of the commentators told the young man to immediately seek medical help and get PEP. Post-exposure prophylaxis is a month-long course of medication you can take after a risky sexual encounter to stop you from potentially acquiring HIV.
Related: Man kidnapped, stripped, and beaten during Instagram hookup gone horribly wrong
Others told him never to be afraid to reject a hookup if that person turns out not to be who they say they are, or if they simply change their mind.
“I definitely should’ve just left the moment I saw him,” agreed the poster. “I talked to some friends and they’ve all reassured me so I’m feeling a little bit better but nothing will really shake the regret and shame.”
Others pointed out that his experience was far from uncommon and shared their own similar stories. Many said that there is simply no reason to engage with a catfisher.
“If you ever get catfished, never, ever follow them into their home. They lied to you about who they were/look like. Who knows what else they’re lying about,” posted one. “Don’t meet anyone without first video chatting with them to confirm who they are/ what they look like or at the very least, get a personalized photo from them. Aka, make them take a picture while holding up like 3 fingers or something so you get a recent picture. If they start going on about how they can’t take a picture, don’t have a social media or another way to send the picture. They’re catfishing you.”
Others pointed out that it’s always a good idea to meet somewhere public, rather than going straight to someone’s home or to their vehicle.
Others were blunter.
“This… is rape. This is actually rape,” said one. “Stealthing, or taking a condom off mid-sex without your consent, is rape. I would report him. I agree to get on PEP A.S.A.P.”
Thankfully, the teen concerned took some comfort from the many people who commented on his story. He later posted an update to say he had managed to get PEP from his family doctor (the medication needs to be started within 72 hours of the sexual encounter).
Queerty reached out to him to check on how he was doing a couple of weeks after his posting. “I am absolutely fine now,” he said.
He confirmed that he was taking PEP but had decided not to report the incident (”although it was a terrible experience”), to the police.
“I have definitely stayed off Grindr since then. I have thought about meeting up with new guys just to get rid of the experience and form new bonds in my brain, I guess … but I haven’t made that call yet. I believe the next time I will have sex, I will get to know the person first and meet up with them in a public place like a café or the mall before going to their house.”
For many gay and bi men, meeting up with strangers is a part and parcel of the quest to find love or intimacy. However, it comes with risks, particularly for inexperienced queer youth.
“We know that youth are exploring new ways to meet new people, especially online through social media or apps — lots of people build friendships, hook up, or become partners with people they meet this way,” said Sarah Hobbs, Executive Director with Planned Parenthood Toronto, to Queerty.
“It’s important to have accurate information and the right tools to navigate those relationships, including the decision to meet up in real life [IRL] or engage in sexual activity, and how to access care, information and support related to that in a stigma-free, sex-positive way.”
Related: Older gay gentlemen offer 15 life lessons to their younger gay counterparts
Because of this, Planned Parenthood offers a range of factsheets, peer programs, and services such as STI testing.
“Boundaries and consent are important parts of engaging in sexual activity,” Hobbs added. “When your boundaries are crossed or you’ve felt pressured into sexual activities, it’s not okay.
“It can happen to you no matter who you are, what you are wearing, or what you’re doing. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, doesn’t get consent, or otherwise makes you feel uncomfortable during any type of sexual activity, remember that it’s not your fault. There are places that can support you and help you work through your feelings, get you the medical attention you might need, or create a safety plan.”
For more information, you can download Planned Parenthood Toronto’s factsheet on Dating and Hooking Up via apps.
Center_Right
This young man put his life in danger by indulging in promiscuous and reckless unsafe sex with a stranger. That’s what a gay man would do when he is obsessed with sex. He needs to delete all sex hookup apps and start to meet real people at the church, synagogue, temple, or the charity events.
Slipperyslope
If only it were that simple, wouldn’t that be amazing? Perhaps in another lifetime.
howardstern
As if predators don’t exist in churches and the rest, lol.
BoylesqueBubble
Still the biggest idiot troll account! How are you Windchime/CastleSF? Still moralizing and passing judgement. I take it no one still finds you attractive so you’re still complaining? Just because you’re a 50 year old virgin doesn’t mean someone won’t want to be with you, it’s because you’re an assho*e that you’re still single. I mean. If you live in San Francisco, now do you COPE with all the promiscuity surrounding you? You’re still the last loser at the bar and always will be.
curiobi
The church…. Is this a joke to you. The amount of sexual predators we read about here alone from church means you cannot be serious. Yes, he clearly was not ready for the pitfalls that come with random hookups with strangers, but if you think that kid, who judging by the fact Q checked on him, so real story, real kid, may be reading these comments, have some empathy. Funny how you want to talk religion and yet seem to have none!
Kid if you are reading this, you are going to be okay! Remember your worth and look for friendships first, and with a good circle of friends go out together safely. And I know you know this by now, but ALWAYS be sure who you are meeting BEFORE you meet them. ALWAYS do a video call, and ALWAYS make sure a friend knows where you are and who you are with. Be safe.
Cam
What a shock, the right wing troll account that always defends bigots blames the gay victim.
Chrisk
Church lady has spoken! Did reading that make you break your pearls?
man5996853
Why are “church people” always the most callous, unfeeling, disgusting twats on the planet?
Matthewnow
Excellent advice. My prayers are with him.
justgeo
Sorry guess more dangerous these days my first visit to a gay bar in Cleveland at 15 witnessed a murder Drag Queen with rich parents took out an Ex. Tramped the streets got my first Blow Job in a Car at a parking lot. Knew what I wanted and went for it! I also knew I had power somehow and used it Stop crying grow up own what your ass and mouth want. THAT guy owes you nothing except trying to give you what you asked for. WTF?
Slipperyslope
The dude is a liar and predator. Period. What man in his right mind invites an 18yr old over to lose his virginity with his own grandmother in the adjacent room? He’s mentally ill & messed up, and needs help. If this were a woman, there would definitely be more compassion towards the victim’s feelings. I feel sorry that this poor guy’s first experience was with such a big pile of garbage. Hopefully, he has some better ones soon to move on from this trauma.
justgeo
Forgot to say Virginity -in this case- is just an itch that ain’t been scratched. No tears for the kid!
Slipperyslope
One can only assume that you’re still waiting to lose yours as well? Go ahead and Scratch. That. Itch.
Doug
One of the hardest things I learned after coming out at 19 was how to say no. I had sex with a few guys like this because I didn’t want to disappoint them and thought we could become friends afterwards. Now I see how incredibly stupid I was.
Slipperyslope
Don’t be so hard on yourself, you weren’t stupid, you were naive, which is part of growing up. And something this gross guy hasn’t done. Sadly, there are too many toxic people who take advantage of the innocence and get some sort of sick satisfaction out of using and messing with others. It’s such a pathetic game that is SO part of the gay community. Great, we got the right to marry, now try to stop trashing each other and breaking people down out of jealousy to feel better about ourselves?
Kangol2
There are many disturbing aspects to this story but the most serious is the stealthing the older man engaged in. That constitutes rape in Canada, the UK, and perhaps in some (many?) jurisdictions in the US. I wish he had reported the creep who took off the condom. I’m glad the young man is taking PEP, and I hope he also gets therapy and has more conversations with gay, bi and trans men his age and perhaps finds older mentors too. He would then be able to turn to about the basics of how to meet guys, what to beware of in random sexual encounters, etc. But he also should warn everyone out there about that sleazy rapist catfisher!
Slipperyslope
100% this loser should be reported. Let him spend some time locked up, then I’d be curious to see his reaction towards stealthing after that experience? Sadly, the way Canada’s lame judicial system works, he likely wouldn’t even get charged and if he did, he most certainly wouldn’t be spending any time in prison. Canada allows convicted serial killers out after only serving a few years AND pay for their college degrees while they’re locked up. A lot of people deserve a second chance, but that seems like a poor use of tax money.
ScottOnEarth
Shame on the asshole perpetrator who took advantage of a young, inexperienced kid. That is beyond reprehensible, vile behavior. Hopefully the teen will move on knowing that most gay men are only interested in quick, meaningless hookups with no regard for human feelings or connections.
CityguyUSA
Damn near every person on IG and Queerty misrepresents themselves.
iminheatlikeacat
Not that this is important but I thought it was Prep, not PEP? When/Why did it change? (I’m assuming it’s not a mistake as it’s referenced multiple times in the article and others have commented referencing ‘PEP’) or are they two different things?
curiobi
… literally thinking the same thing when i read it.
[email protected]
There’s a difference between PRe Exposure Profylaxis (PREP)and in this case Post exposure Profylaxis (PEP), one is taken before eventual exposure and the other, as in this case, is taken after exposure to the risk. Thus the difference in terms.
Chrisk
Oh well. Yeah, the guy was a complete douchebag. Plenty of them in the gay community. The kid will learn from it like we ALL have. Some of us over and over through out our lives.
SELA Rising
LOL at the “rape” accusation because he took the condom off.
while it does change the nature of consent (if they even discussed condoms), the kid knew it was happening; he felt pain, he noticed a change. he should have said something. if he can say, “yes i want dick”, he can say “hey i DON’T want raw dick”.
i was 18 (and younger) once and always felt like i had the power. especially when the men were older. they desired me, i had the power to admit or deny access.
this kid sees himself differently and clearly has other issues going on and shouldn’t be having sex till those issues are sorted. (he’ll have more issues now)
stealthing isn’t against the law here (US). its deceptive (although this kid knew it was happening) and sleazy, but if someone can not speak up for themself then they should not be engaging in this type of behavior. the bigger problem is that someone didn’t teach them about sexual maturity. they thought they were ready for sex when they weren’t. that’s what i teach the kids. this is your body, you own it. be mindful of what you do with it and what you allow to be done to it. if it doesn’t feel right or good, stop. you can always finish yourself off and be just as satisfied. i also teach “check ins”. check to see how your partner is doing, and not in the “ohhhh yeah, you like that dont you?” way.
this was an unfortunate situation the kid put himself in, but you live you learn. hopefully others learn from his terrible hook up story
one more thing, can the lack of condom negotiation skills in these younger men be attributed to the shift to PrEP as the main form of HIV/AIDS prevention?
i was born in the 70s, raised in the 80s and started partying and sexing in the 90’s. the condom talk was HUGE. prevention was huge. im sure there are community programs that would help role play some safe sex practices with the youth of today. thats what this kid needs.
Kevan1
You kind of sound like a predator at a young age. Just saying.
CurtisIsTheOne
I post this to let people know that not ALL older gay men are predatory animals. I chatted with a guy online and on the phone told me he was 18; I was 38 at the time. He lived in Guerneville (a gay resort area); I lived in San Francisco. He asked if he could come down and stay for the weekend. I told him yes, but I couldn’t guarantee we would sleep together. He arrived at my door. I saw a young looking teenager. His name was Carl. I immediately asked to see his driver’s license. He hesitated; I told him he couldn’t come in until he showed it. His driver’s license showed that he had just turned 16. He asked if he could stay; I told him yes but we wouldn’t be sleeping together. I got my adopted “grandma” to give us a cot he could sleep on. I introduced him to my “grandma”and made a point of saying that was where Carl would sleep.
I asked Carl if he would be interested in going to the “Lavender Youth Group”, an organization in the Castro that works with young teens and he said no. His only sexual experiences were with older men he met in Guerneville. So we had lunch in the Castro and I said “Let’s Go for a walk” and without him knowing, we headed in the direction of “LYG”. Once in front of the place, I said “Imagine that. We’re right in the front of LYG. Why don’t we go up and see what’s going on.” He grumbled his disappointment. I brought him up and told the receptionist “He doesn’t know any queer kids his own age. Why don’t you tell him what you have to offer” and I left for an hour. When I came back , Carl was all excited. He had signed up to go on a camping trip.
Later that night, we went to a movie and he wanted to hold hands so we did. About 30 minutes later, he moved my hand to his groin so I could tell he had a hard on. I laughed and moved my hand away saying “Stop that, you naughty boy.” We both laughed. When we got back to my apartment, Carl said “Let me sleep with you. We won’t do anything”. “Nope,” I said. “Why,” asked Carl. “Don’t you trust me?” “I do, ” I replied. “I just don’t trust me not to respond, so no.”
We had breakfast and he left Sunday morning. We stayed in touch for about 6 months and then I lost touch with him. About 3 years later, I received an email from Carl. He was starting College. What he said was “Curtis, I want to thank you for treating me like a person that weekend. All the guys I met previously just wanted to have anonymous sex with me and not have any more contact after that, but you were different. You had respect for me, and now I have respect for myself. I just came out to my Dad, and it went well. I now ride a motorcycle” and he sent a picture of him riding his motorcycle. I told him how great it was to see him becoming a young gay man and I told him how hot he looked. “Do you have any advice for me,” asked Carl. “Yes, ” I replied. “Only have safe sex, be kind and pass on the lesson to other people you meet along the way”. I was overjoyed to receive his response: “Yes, I ONLY have safe sex. If someone doesn’t want to use condoms, I say, thanks but no thanks. And as to the lesson, yes, YOU taught me well. I will never forget how you treated me with love and respect when I was very vulnerable and for that I thank you.” I had the best night’s sleep I’d had in a long time after that.
nunya
This is why there were chaperones in the olden days.
CurtisIsTheOne
There’s NO chaperone like that of an old Italian “nonna” (grandmother)