Photo: JJ Keyes
As holidays go, Halloween is undoubtedly the gayest. It’s the one time of year where homos can pretend they’re hetero, straight boys step out in short skirts, and grown-ass women turn every respectable profession they can think of into slutty versions of their former selves.
Of course you can head to your local costume shop and pick up a played-out, plastic-wrapped outfit, but we know you better than that. That’s why we’ve compiled this comprehensive list of the most topical, haute, and hilarious gay-friendly Halloween costumes of 2013.
From smokin’-hot athletes fighting for equality on and off the field to a Katy Perry pop-and-locker, this year’s hottest TV shows, news stories, and pop-culture juggernauts are now the must-wear, one-night disguises of the season. The holiday spirit is here, kids – and it’s totally queer. Happy Hallokween!
Check out the gayest costumes to scare up some fun this Halloween!
Red Carpet Boy Toy
Very few of us are lucky enough to be swept off our pauperly feet by a fashion mogul, but pretending you serve up the cake in exchange for a lifetime supply of Calvins is precisely what Halloween’s all about. There are several looks from which to choose this season – inspired by everyone’s favorite formerly dentally-challenged hanger-on, Nick Gruber – including Fire Island ‘Straight’ Guy, Bloody Hamptons Brawler, Boy Who Holds Barneys Bags, and John Luciano’s Sloppy Thirds. To dress the part of an Internet porn star-turned-professional rent boy, slip into (or out of) any combination of monochromatic designer duds prepped to hit the step-and-repeat. To ensure that nobody is confused about whom you’re meant to be (or to whom you belong), let your ubiquitous waistband do the walking while the ‘For Sale’ sign on your back does the talking.
***2013 Queerties: Is Nick Gruber your favorite Bad Boy Lust Object?***
One of the biggest songs of the year, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ “Same Love,” is a pro-equality anthem that continues to gain traction and change the voice of hip-hop music. But before straight Mack got all sentimental for the gays, he was poppin’ tags at the local thrift shop — much to Le1f’s chagrin — musing about green gator shoes, leopard mink coats, and your grandpa’s hand-me-downs. To step out in style like everybody’s favorite white rapper du jour, pop into your local discount depot for the most outlandish duds you can find on a dime. Feel free to take creative license from the “Thrift Shop” video — bonus points if you can cop a teal scooter to serve as your wheels for the night –- and don’t forget to stuff up the front of your flannel zebra jammies.
***2013 Queerties: Did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis have the anthem of the year?***
Pro Athlete Activist
Several pro athletes came out of the closet in 2013 — NBA star Jason Collins, pro soccer player Robbie Rogers, and the WWE’s Darren Young, to name a few — but 2013 also was a banner year for straight athlete-allies to speak out in favor of same-sex equality. The loudest and proudest among them — former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe and former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbedejo (both of whom were suspiciously released from their contracts recently) — have led the charge by lending their celebrity and outspoken personalities to causes like the NOH8 campaign and local marriage-equality initiatives. To support your favorite gay-friendly player on All Hallows’ Eve, don one the guys’ officially licensed jerseys. Complete the ensemble with a helmet and uniform set from Costume Super Center and slap a NOH8 tattoo on your cheek to further level the playing field.
***2013 Queerties: Who was the year’s top jock?***
Liberace & Scott Thorson
Mr. Showmanship and his surgically-enhanced lookalike younger lover, Scott Thorson, will be a couples’-costume commodity this Halloween given the critical success of HBO’s Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra and Michael Douglas’s recent win at the Emmy Awards for his uncanny portrayal of the legendary entertainer. For such an elaborate getup you’ll need to hunt down a few potentially pricey and hard-to-find pieces — like a jewel-encrusted three-piece suit, an awe-inspiring fur cape, and gobs of gaudy jewelry — but it can be done on a budget if you have access to a vintage store and a Bedazzler. To pimp out your better half like Liberace’s doe-eyed companion, locate a pastel-colored chauffer’s uniform and bling it out to the nines with sequins and rhines – stones, that is. Whatever you do, don’t get lost in the characters you’re channeling, lest you want your evening ruined by a maddening mix of Quaaludes, smeared mascara, and a barrage of hurt feelings.
***2013 Queerties: Is Behind the Candelabra the next queer classic?***
Bootylicious Backup Dancer
When Katy Perry debuted her latest hit “Roar” at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards, social media lit up like a firework. But the chatter wasn’t about the pop star’s prize-fighter-inspired performance in a makeshift ring under the Brooklyn Bridge. Rather, the focus was on the bubbly bottom of backup dancer Lockhart Brownlie, whose man-candy curves are available for your viewing pleasure all over Tumblr. Turn heads at this year’s fright-night festivities by showing up as the posteriorly endowed scruff monster in a plain grey sweatsuit with the legs pulled up and the arms cut off, a pair of mid-calf striped gym socks, boxing shoes, Pro-Flex Tape wrapped around your KO hand, and a week-old beard that’ll make all the cubbies growl. For even more authenticity — if you’re not already blessed with the derriere of a demigod — stuff your rump with padded undies from Freshpair and get ready to rumble.
***2013 Queerties: Speaking of dancing, who put in the most twerk this year?***
For years there’d been speculation that Wentworth Miller — sexy star of the former Fox series Prison Break — was gay. Miller confirmed those rumors in August when he declined an invitation to attend the St. Petersburg International Film Festival, which basically proved once and for all that, like his Prison Break character Michael Scofield, Miller is pretty much a badass all day, every day. To honor Miller and his behind-bars persona, get your hands on escapee attire that includes a grey sweatshirt covered up with a light blue button-down and a navy-blue collared canvas jacket. A grey wool beanie will top off the outfit, but don’t forget about the tats; Scofield was inked all the way around from collarbone to pelvic bone — an artistic feat that, if accomplished, will have partygoers clamoring to drop your soap.
***2013 Queerties: Was Wentworth Miller the biggest closet door bustdown of the year?***
Uncle Poodle — née is Lee Thompson — is the fun gay hick who loves his pageant queen niece Alana to pieces, and one of the breakout stars of TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. To saunter into your fête like this southern gent this Oct. 31, slap on a pair of muddied-up, loose-fitting stonewash jeans; an Aeropostale polo; a well-worn baseball cap with any pair of Oakleys perched on the bill; and a pair of outdated sneakers, preferably British Knight high-tops circa 1998. So you don’t have to go around explaining who you are every time you meet somebody new, add a pink sash to your digs to let everyone know that you’re the Grand Supreme of this soiree — and they better redneckognize.
***2013 Queerties: Are Uncle Poodle and his Honey Boo Boo clan TV’s guiltiest pleasure?***
Kraft’s Zesty Guy
Kraft’s Zesty Guy Anderson Davis — the dude whose shirt goes up in flames in the sexy dressing commercials because he smolders on screen — has made a name for himself shilling the salad condiment, but not everyone is amused. While the rest of us are hot, the American Family Association-backed One Million Moms is just plain bothered, which makes paying homage to this Adonis a must this Halloween. There’s not much to the Kraft Zesty Guy costume — a pair of fitted khakis, a bottle of Zesty, and a professional five-o’clock shadow — but you will need the torso of a male model to pull it off with perfection. If sculpted abs and pecs aren’t in your future, however, you can manage the look (and slip in a little humor while you’re at it) with these scantily clad aprons.
***2013 Queerties: In the spirit of famous scantily clad men, who had the year’s best nude pic?***
WWE’s Darren Young
On one hand, we were all surprised when pro wrestler Darren Young unexpectedly revealed to reporters that he’s gay while walking through an airport this summer; on the other, he gets greased up and struts around in flashy undies for living, so it wasn’t a stretch. To celebrate, put the hurt on your friends by dressing up like Young in your most flamboyant wrestling and/or go-go boy garb : pro-wrestler worthy teeny-weeny briefs, shiny boots, armbands, and feather boas. To emulate Young’s untamed hair, pick up an afro wig at your local costume shop or tease out your own tresses à la a young Don King. For the pièce de résistance, adorn your forehead with a gold-sequin headband and practice your elbow drops.
***2013 Queerties: Darren Young certainly made a splash, but who is the next big queer?***
It almost goes without saying that One Direction is the gayest non-gay (so far, at least) boy band ever. Until our collective fantasies come true, let’s settle for a cutie-meets-queer group costume as you and your friends get gussied up as this generation’s Fab Five. Compile your costumes by taking a cue from MTV Style, which has graciously gathered many of the pieces you’ll need to unite and take the night as Harry, Zayn, Liam, Niall, and Louis. Pick up a few cordless mics to serve as additional props, learn the words to at least one 1D song — just don’t make it “Little Things” — and give an impromptu performance to provide your fellow party patrons with a few midnight memories. Somewhere, Simon Cowell will be smiling.
Do you have more ideas for the gayest Halloween costumes of 2013? Let us know in the comments below.