A wife recently learned her husband used to hookup with his best guy friend in college and she’s not sure what to make of it, so she’s seeking help from our favorite advice gurus Rich Juzwiak and Stoya over at Slate.
The woman begins by saying she’s been married to her husband “Matt” for a little under a year.
“We recently took a weekend trip with a group of college friends for another wedding,” she writes. “After one too many drinks, a friend began to reminisce about how Matt and his best friend ‘Will’ (who is gay) would get drunk and have regular sexual encounters.”
It was back in college, long before she and her husband met, but it still has the woman feeling some kinda way.
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“Up until this point, I had absolutely no idea about this,” she says. “Everyone else in the group seemed to know except for me. In fact, another friend asked, ‘How did you not know?’ When I asked Matt about it, he confirmed and said that he can’t remember exactly when it ended.”
Now, she’s turning into a wreck.
“Do I have the right to be upset that my husband chose to keep this from his me, his wife?” she wonders. “I have told him about all of my past relationships. I always thought I could expect the same. Does he not trust me?”
But the thing that bothers her the most: “I am now wondering what else he is hiding from me and exactly ‘when’ this sexual relationship stopped, or dare I say, if it has stopped at all.”
As they delve into the issue, both Juzwiak and Stoya agree that the woman seems to be harboring biphobic beliefs, even if she doesn’t mean to.
“It can be really surprising to learn something about your partner from their friends,” Stoya says. “They had a whole life before you, and we don’t necessarily keep that at the forefront of our minds.”
Juziwak agrees, adding that it’s never a great idea to comb through your partner’s sexual history because, honestly, what’s the point? What’s done is done. Then he brings up the issue of biphobia.
“There’s so much stigma attached to gay sex,” he says. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and yet there’s plenty in our culture to indicate that it, in fact, is.”
“Ideally, people have no shame and are upfront about every aspect of their sexuality, but this is not always (perhaps even rarely) the case in practice.”
To which Stoya replies, “Even her reaction subtly perpetuates stigma, specifically bisexual stigma, with her “Dare I say, if it has stopped at all.” It’s giving me a throwback vibe to the late ’90s when it felt like everyone was telling people to pick a side.”
“So she might do well to think about her feelings and assumptions around homosexuality, bisexuality, and identity,” she advises.
To which Juzwiak adds, “Yes, but I don’t want to denigrate her feelings. She has a right to them whether they are logical or even toxic. Feelings are feelings.”
What do you think about this predicament? Is her husband responsible for disclosing every single person he ever slept with prior to meeting her? Share your thoughts in the comments section below…
Hussain-TheCanadian
This is exactly what I’m talking about, it’s always women freaking out over their men experiencing some man love in the past, why aren’t there any articles about men freaking out over their wives doing the same?
Do women keep their past experiences a secret? Straight men are not threatened by their gfs/wives having past sexual encounters with women? Maybe queerty isnt reporting when men freakout?
Finally, she has no right to know about his past sexual experiences be them with men or women, it was before her time; I’m certain she has told him diddly about everytime she had a sausage in her mouth, she needs to grow up.
Den
A straight man freaking out abut his wife’s past sexual experiences with women would not be nearly as interesting to Queerty’s readers, so its unlikely to be recounted here. But if my straight friends are any indication there are a lot of hetero men who would be really turned on by that, as the fantasy of having a three way with two lesbians is rather widespread.
So I think there are men who’d get a charge out of hearing that about their wife’s past. Bragging to themselves that they’d “turned” her, or hoping for future three ways.
Kenover
Isn’t that what college is for?
G-Man
Exactly that’s the time to explore and get to know yourself.
[email protected]
You bet! I had sex with a number of college friends who are now in str8 marriages. It was a fun innocent time – and fit!
LARRY
Karen calm your titties…he married your simple ass did he not?
djmcgamester
She told him about ALL of her past relationships? What, did she have like two? I’m not sure all of my past relationships are likely to come up in the “lay it all out there” sort of way. It might come out in conversation.
Doug
This should be the plot of a Hallmark film.
winemaker
This discussion is old. What’s done in either of there persons past and is past history, period! Everyone over the age of 20 has a sexual past, fact of life. Maybe this guy was curious and wondered what sex with a guy was like and for what it’s worth, he was lucky it was one of his friends and not some stranger he met in a bar or wherever and ultimately he decided it wasn’t for him and it’s done. if these two have been loyal to each other since they’ve been married, that’s the only important thing.
azmadik
been here, done that and him and her and him sometimes a group of us… only difference is i won’t marry some basic bitch; male or female: no squares. we’re supposed to transcend that boring melodrama in our twenties. no?
gothvixen
Totally agree, I have an interesting past, but that just makes me a better-balanced person now. Nobody needs to know, and if I met someone who insisted on knowing all I’d walk. Everything that’s happened to me made who I am. If someone likes the taste of that, they don’t need to know the ingredients.
Chipper
My one question, when did he stop? If he stopped before they married, that should settle the case. If he knows he no longer wants to have sex with a man. That would end it. BUT, if he had told her, and when she gets to feeling down, she could very well throw it to him. If its over, do not bring it up, but if he still is or wants to. He needs counseling to work thru his feelings. Its a bad place. I was married and introduced to a gay guy I worked with, it happened, and then the can of worms was spilled. I would have done anything to keep my family together, we had adopted a daughter, but she never really trusted me after that, and I can understand, The counselor we went to thought that the feeling would go away with his help. But we learned that it was not the way. Had I known, I would not have married her. but I was a late bloomer. This is a real 2 sided trip. Some are not fine with it at all. I never meant to hurt anyone, but at some point I needed to be faithful to me.
gothvixen
It’s impossible to survive undamaged if you aren’t true to yourself. I believe being honest is the bravest action, and sexual preferences don’t go away if they’re real. You’ve been brave enough to follow your intincts and heart, and that is to be admired. I never got over seeing Marilyn naked when I was very young, and had an intense and quite sophisticated experience with a girl when we were 10. I could never deny who I am, and neither should you, or anyone else.
lord.krath
Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to the husband. Clearly not, IMO, if all the friends weren’t sworn to silence on the issue. I’ve known friends “unfriend” people expressly to avoid new spouses or partners learning about their pasts. This guy didn’t do that. Or, maybe it isn’t any of her damned business. Marriage doesn’t require full and complete disclosure and accounting if every past relationship or sexual adventure in the distant past. It helps, but most don’t work that way and in fact seems to cause problems for insecure persons. Like this lady.
MrMichaelJ
If every man who has ever hooked up with another man had to tell the woman he’s currently with i think most of the women in America would faint.
Aires the Ram
@MrMichaelJ: Exactly. Thank you for saying that.