Usually, an eliminated queen is like a fart: everyone is either too polite to mention it, or calls it out only for its unpleasantness. It was thus a welcome surprise to hear everyone bemoan the loss of Lineysha. She was apparently “crafty” in a way that endeared her to others. I’m guessing they all received friendship bracelets and macaroni necklaces that just weren’t worn on camera. Pasta doesn’t really go with this outfit.
Jinkx is pissed that her win garners little attention because Rolaskatox is so busy making a three-headed crown for themselves. (Already we’re seeing how Lineysha’s craftiness could have been useful.) She asserts her dominance by nodding off in a chair. Anyone can have a look, but only one contestant this season has a sleep disorder, and without that extra something, you’re just a c-nt.
Once Ru announces the week’s mini-challenge, all the girls probably wish they had worked in a nap, because it’s time for lights out. Don’t go to sleep, though: you need to put on some make-up! There’s a limp justification for how it’s important to be able to apply your face even during a power failure, but let’s be real: if the electricity blows before your show, your audience is out the door. Don’t waste the time and eyelash glue. At least the night vision clips provide an excuse for Pit Crew crotch shots — lingering close-ups of their packages have been sorely lacking this season.
Not surprisingly, no one really nails it, but Detox is the least horrendous and thus pulls a win. As reward, she’ll pick the teams for the main challenge, which will be to write lyrics for, and then perform, a charita-ballad entitled “Can I Get an Amen?” Though she’ll swear high and low for the rest of the episode that it wasn’t a setup, she starts by explaining that it’s a setup to pair Coco and Alyssa on the first verse. Ivy, Jinkx and Jade will take verse two, while Rolaskatox join forces on the bridge. Alaska is convinced that the bridge is strategic, which is true if you’re engaged in a land war with combatants across a river.
As intended (or not intended, because Detox totally had no idea that it would be a problem), Team Colyssa don’t work well together. Coco in particular feels the burn: her eyes are dead behind those iridescent contact lenses. Despite the tension and her lack of musical expertise, Alyssa still manages to pull it together, delivering a performance almost vibrant enough to make you forget that her partner is practically whittling her pump into a shiv.
Jinkx and Ivy are both singers, which puts the pressure on Jade. Sadly, her little frame wasn’t built to shoulder a MILF and a circus clown, and she gets flattened. Rolaskatox brings the confidence, and they’re certainly having a good time, but they come across like middle school girls at a slumber party wearing skirts on their heads and singing along to the radio. It’s so loosey-goosey that even Alaska gets peeved. I mean, she’s over here setting up the Risk board, and her friends are all, “Let’s play Mystery Date!”
Then there’s a freestyle section that is kind of a bust all around. Once again, people hate on Jinkx for having a gimmick, mostly because her gimmick is “being better than you at this.” The true victory, however, goes to the editor who spliced Coco’s silent bitchface moment into the montage of everyone else’s I-heard-someone-sing-Mariah-at-karaoke-and-tried-to-copy-it riffs.
For runway day, the girls each prepare a look that shows off their favorite body part. Detox has a tough time choosing, since she’s purchased so many. It’d be like picking a favorite black market adoption! She doesn’t have any problem selecting a favorite lie, however. Sure, Coco is being passive-aggressive with her rage about the team assignments, but if Detox thinks anyone would believe that sabotage was not implicit in her decision, then the silicone must have leaked into her brain.
Across the room, Jade is getting the kiss-of-death emotional moment, talking about how she left her family and went through dark times (and by dark times, she probably means the Nazi bareback porn video), but now she loves herself even more. Hold onto that love, girl, because a sympathetic backstory during make-up application is usually a one-way ticket to the bottom two.
The panel is extra full this week with three guest judges: Anita and Ruth Pointer, and LaToya Jackson, who reminds us that this is her third appearance by holding up five fingers.
Once the catwalk has been walked and the song has been sung, Ivy comes out on top: everyone loves that she highlighted her face by wearing a hundred photos of it (speaking of crafty), and are also genuinely impressed with her vocal ability. Her prize is a travel set; but without an accompanying trip, it just seems shady. “Bags? But I don’t have to pack! …oh.” Tellingly, no immunity is offered.
There are five safe girls and I can’t be bothered to talk about all of them. Alaska gets particular mention for serving fierce collarbone and being simultaneously praised and shredded for her sense of humor. Of course, you can’t tell a queen that she’s emotionless without eliciting immediate tears, so problem solved. I don’t know what body part Roxxxy thinks she’s featuring, because the most noticeable pieces of her outfit are the giant fake tits and the giant fake hair. That wig looks like a mushroom cloud from behind!
As predicted, Jade will be lip syncing for her life because her anthem delivery was weak and she’s dressed like a dominatrix pop star that escaped from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Side note: #haircomingoutofaboob was such a missed opportunity. Her opponent will be Coco, who served so much stank that she just plain stank. Both give an energetic performance of “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters, but you can’t outperform Manic Montrese. Or, at least, Jade can’t, and home she goes.
But she won’t go home empty-handed! There are AWARD AWARDS to give out! Not to her, though, so I guess she kind of will go home empty-handed.
First up, let’s present Lucian Piane with his Creepy, Faded Portrait of an Old Man Hidden in the Attic! Seriously, dude, you stopped aging in college. What’s up with that?
To Jinkx Monsoon, I offer a Lantern to Guide the Directionless Masses. Last week, it was Grey Gardens. This week, a subtle nod to Death Becomes Her. Thank you for teaching these clueless mannequins about the gay canon.
And speaking of clueless, the Lineysha Sparx Memorial Celia Cruz Costume goes to Roxxxy Andrews, because did you just say “sequence dress” in complete seriousness? Missing movie references is one thing, but wearing sequins is your actual job. When picking your favorite body part, the brain probably wasn’t even on the short list, huh?
Lastly, Michelle Visage gets a Free CD. As in: Calm Down. She sank a claw into pretty much everyone tonight, and there was no need.
ON UNTUCKED: Though we’re forced to sit through some of the same tired fighting, the catty comments get washed away in a flood of mascara-filled tears when Alyssa’s dad offers a heartfelt message of acceptance and apology. The Gold Bar delivers more sniffling than a kindergarten during cold season. Thanks, daddy issues!