A therapist has gone viral with his advice for anyone who finds themselves developing a crush on someone who isn’t their partner.
Jeff Guenther is based in Portland, Oregon. Besides running a successful private practice, he’s been posting snappy, one-minute videos offering guidance on everything from managing anxiety to why some people cheat on those they love.
A video he posted a couple of weeks ago has now notched up over 1.4 million views. In it, he discusses what you can do if you find yourself crushing on someone outside of your relationship.
Guenther clarifies that the advice is aimed at those in monogamous relationships. Presumably, those in open relationships may feel freer to pursue their crush in some way.
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@therapyjeff 5 things you can do if you start crushing on someone outside your relationship. #therapy #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #therapist #relationshipgoals #therapytok #relationshiptips #dating #datingadvice #love #datingtips #crush ♬ original sound – TherapyJeff
First up, he says to try and chill out about it: “Do nothing … Crushes come and go”. Developing crushes is very common and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unhappy with your partner.
Secondly, try to just enjoy the feeling while staying within the boundaries of your relationship, “and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want your partner to do.”
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Thirdly, “ask yourself if there’s something about your crush that you’d like to experience more of with your partner, like feeling more wanted or being more silly.”
Four, “don’t panic”. As we said before, having a crush on someone else doesn’t mean your relationship is broken or in trouble.
Lastly, “ask yourself what it means about you. For example, is your crush on an authority figure? Maybe you’re looking for more approval from your parents? Are they really wild? Maybe you’re seeking more adventure.”
Guenther adds that there can be times when crushes become problematic, but that’s not necessarily the case.
Feelings of guilt
His words of wisdom have prompted hundreds of comments.
Many found his advice very comforting.
“I’m so glad you talked about this! This happened to me and I felt so guilty,” said one person.
However, a lot of others indicated they would feel traumatized to learn their partner had a crush on someone else.
“I would DIE if I knew my partner had a crush,” said one person.
Of course, as someone else pointed out, “[Jeff’s] not saying you have to ANNOUNCE it.”
“Y’all he’s not saying you’re falling in love with someone else, sometimes you just see other people and think ‘wow they’re kinda cute’,” added another.
You can’t help having feelings of attraction to someone. Being happily in love (and lust) with one person doesn’t magically preclude you from having an attraction to anyone else.
As Guenther says, try not to feel guilty about it and to keep in mind what you would, and wouldn’t like your partner to do if they found themselves in a similar situation.
Related: Seven things more important than how you like your partner
Discover more
abfab
Is boyfriend even a word anymore?
Diplomat
I would ask my partner for a one day get out of jail free card.
Neoprene
Tip #6: Gauge your crush’s interest then if it’s mutual have sex with him, unless you find out he’s a they/them then run fast AF away.
bachy
Monogamy emerged because men wanted to ensure that the children their wife had were reliably the husband’s actual genetic offspring. They enforced monogamy on their wives so that someone else’s child did not become the recipient of the family inheritance.
Unless the concern is safety from disease, not sure how any of this applies to male/male couples.