Is it wrong for a Gen Z-er to be attracted to a Gen X-er, and is the converse creepy? Those are the questions Reddit user recently asked the sages of the r/AskGayMen subreddit. This user, whom we’ll nickname Z, says he’s 21 years old and is “mainly attracted” to men in the 35-to-50-year-old range.
“Although it feels totally natural to me, I sometimes cannot refrain from thinking whether there might be something slightly wrong with it,” he wrote.
Z said that if he were the older one, he’d feel predatory dating someone 20 years younger. But he doesn’t feel that way about the older men he dates. “Most of the time, they’re more mature and responsible (as should be expected, of course),” he said. “And in general, I feel like they have more to offer intellectually.”
Z also wondered if the taboo of dating someone much older was part of the allure for him—or if he had “unresolved daddy issues” in his subconscious. “Anyway, what are your thoughts about it?” he asked. “If you’re an older man attracted to younger guys, why do you find them attractive?”
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Related: At what point does an age-gap relationship represent a power imbalance?
One commenter said he and his husband have been together for 16 years, and they’re 17 years apart. “You just have to be realistic about later years in life, when most likely, the older [person] will die, leaving the younger with many years left to live. But that can be any relationship at any age,” that commenter added. “Don’t build a relationship just on the sex. There has to be a lot more in common to keep life fun for both. Sex is great and all, but that leaves you with another 23 hours and 52 minutes a day to stare at each other, lol.”
Another Reddit user said age gaps in straight relationships almost always make him feel uncomfortable, since that kind of dynamic “always feel predatory” to him. But age gaps in queer relationships don’t give him as much pause, as he explained: “For sexual encounters only, I don’t care as long as everyone involved is able to consent and consenting. For a relationship, my only worry is relatability. I wouldn’t want my partner to have much different life experiences than me because common—or, at least, similar—experiences are valuable. Other than that, I don’t think it’s weird. I don’t care.”
Related: Tom Daley addresses age gap with husband Dustin Lance Black… and how to deal with haters
A third commenter spoke along similar lines: “If both parties are consenting adults, it’s really up to them if an age gap is ‘too much.’ Personally, as what you’d call an older guy, I don’t find myself attracted to guys your age because we tend not to have a lot in common—which isn’t to say that it couldn’t happen, just that it hasn’t and doesn’t seem likely. The largest gap in any relationship I’ve had was 8 years—I was the younger—and it wasn’t ever an issue, but we were both over 25, young professionals, did the same sport, etc.”
And someone else aptly pointed out that “a lot of life happens between 21 and 35.” That Reddit user said he dated a 40-year-old while he was in his late 20s. “He said something when we parted that is so true. I wasn’t going to be living with the wisdom of a 40-year-old any sooner than he was going to forget the lessons that come with finally maturing in your 30s,” the Reddit user recalled. “Enjoy ‘em at any age, but expect that life differences will pop up. So long as you are kind to each other, there is a lot of joy to be had.”
Vince
I have no problem with intergenerational but middle aged or older guys who target teens or even early twenties have something wrong with them. 95% of the time payment in some form is required for these relationships.
sfhairy
I have problems if it goes beyond casual dating and into full fledge relationships. Having watched my grandparents (a lesbian couple) deal with this. My grandmother was 20 years older than her wife. Once you get to a certain age in life, the younger person just becomes a caretaker for the older person and this creates issues in the relationship.
Fname Optional Lname
True, but that tends to happen in many relationships. One spouse falls ill and the other stands by their “in sickness and in health” vow.
socaldesign
What kind of problems do you have? If two people love each other they sign up for it all. I was 25 when I met my husband. He was 42 at the time. When he died 3 years ago he was 80 and we had been together 38 years. Yes, I had to take care of him and the lasts months of his life were difficult. But that’s a minor inconvenience for all the years we had together. There are no guarantees in life. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I have healthy friends 10 years older than my husband and I have friends who had to be taken care of by their same-age partner when they were in their 30s.
1898
that can happen in any relationship. my godmother and her husband were the exact same age. when they got married. he got into a motorcycle accident a few years later and was paralyzed from the waist down. she had to be his full-time caretaker for the next 50 years.
if you’re not prepared to care for your partner in sickness and in health, you shouldn’t be in a long term committed relationship, regardless of whether or not there’s an age difference.
dbmcvey
My heterosexual parents were close to each other in age, but my mother still had to become my father’s caretaker when he got sick. There is no guarantee that even if people are the same age they might wind up being a caretaker, that’s part of being in a marriage.
bachy
I once seriously dated a 21 y/o boy 18 years younger than I. It was a friggin’ nightmare. The problem was that I was worrying about him constantly. I very quickly felt forced by circumstances into the “parent” role. I found it extremely difficult to avoid the parent/child dynamic, simply because you see that the younger person doesn’t have the experience to be making the right choices and could easily blunder into dangerous situations.
I’ve always felt that one of the best things about being gay is that there is no automatic escalator to parenthood! And here I was, beside myself with anxiety over my young “son.” It was painful extricating myself from the relationship, but I couldn’t go on living within that emotional equation.
Doug
It’s surprising to me how as gay people we continually fight society for the right to love who we want, but then turn around and form judgments on each other about issues like this. There are many relationships between gay men with age differences in which both partners are very happy… Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black, Tom Ford and his ex Richard Buckley are examples. There are also plenty of straight relationships with considerable age differences that are long-lasting and both partners are happy. My parents had a 20-year age difference between them and were together for 30 years. To automatically assume these couples are together because of a “financial arrangement” is a cheap shot.
Chrisk
If a guy is barely out of his teens and the other is middle aged then yes it is mostly a financial situation. There is something very unhealthy about targeting boys who haven’t had the chance to mature. One is looking for support. The other is seeking validation and/or just stuck in a peter pan world.
john.k
Chrisk, maybe sometimes. But I met my boyfriend when he was 19 and I was 57. I’m now 73 and he is 35. He targeted me. I didn’t think it would last but it has. It was never financial. Even as a student he had a sideline job and so had his own money. Occasionally I subsidised him – for example, on holidays in Spain I wanted to travel first class on the high-speed trains so I paid the difference between first class and second class for him. During the 2008-2012 recession I was financially stressed but he stayed with me. We’re together still because despite the age gap we have a lot of interests in common. We also give one another space. He has his friends of his own age and I have mine.
Chrisk
He might have had his own money but was it contributing to the home, utilities, expensive trips, etc or was it just his own spending money? I can’t imagine as a student he was bringing in that much.
I find it funny that you’ve brought your BF up many times john but the first thing you bring up is his age. I think that’s what your most proud of.
ScottOnEarth
Frankly, this is pretty ridiculous. Every couple is unique and they should do what they feel is best for them. Who really gives a sh*t about what others think? You can’t control who you are attracted to and who you love, so just go for it and don’t deny yourself what could be the love of your life or a very fulfilling, loving experience that may not be longterm.
loren_1955
Personally, if there an age gap in a couple be it small or large and they are happy and supportive of each other, it is no one else’s business, as in keep your gay noses and judgement out of their lives.
Fname Optional Lname
This
glennmcbride
When I met my partner, he was 20 and I was 35. He pursued me and I was flattered but I genuinely liked his company. I thought that it was going to be an affair and decided to enjoy it while it lasted. That was 35 years ago. We have enjoyed life together and still enjoy life together. We adopted and raised 4 children. We have grown intellectually and economically together. We both went to law school and are successful attorneys. We have a loving family surrounding us and I am glad I did not exclude the possibility of a life with him based on our age difference.
v6origal97
This is beautiful. Thank you, for sharing your journey.
McSteve
Our age gap is 30 years…he’s mid 30’s, I am mid 60s. If I cared about people’s opinions, I might be insulted by many of the assumptions people make (some of the more offensive ones from gay people).
–I went after him (i.e. I’m lecherous)
–He went after me (i.e. he’s a gold digger)
–There is undoubtedly some kind of ‘sex for compensation’ dynamic (i.e. how could he possibly be attracted to you?)
These kind of assumptions are certainly not unique to gay relationships that have an age gap, but just an example of the hypocrisy from people who otherwise would proudly wear a ‘Love Is Love’ t-shirt
Ptown2002
He is 40 and I am 80+ We have been together for nearly 20 years. Communication, Care and Respect for each other daily make our life together work
Carlos Primero
I am 88. He is 60. He was 23 when we met and we’ve now been together for 37 years. Maybe about 10 years in, he asked me if I had ever thought the relationship might be temporary. I just said that I had never considered it that way.
Salacious1
I think the Tom Daley/Dustin Lance Black relationship is instructive. Lance was hesitant at first precisely over the age discrepancy and his past failed relationships. Tom’s only question was if Lance wanted a family. No different than a straight couple. Lance did mentor Tom in many ways, but Tom also brought his own experiences and insights to the mix. The two are a stable and formidable force to be reckoned with.
There are many successful examples that can be cited.
Are there Sugar Daddy/Boy Toy matchups? Undoubtedly, but so common with older, wealthy straight men (or women) taking a younger partner who enjoys the advantages of such a partnership.
djbear
There is also sometimes a perception of “sugar daddy” that the younger guy might feel but for a number, it is just the opposite.
Chrisk
Sorry but I don’t buy that. Black was a regular Bryan Singer house guest. He attended many of those boy parties that Singer was so famous for. That and he was always with guys much younger then him.
monty clift
Writer Christopher Isherwood and painter Don Bachardy stayed together over 30 years until Isherwood’s death in 1986. Don was 18 and Chris was 48 when they met, Don never stopped loving Chris even after his death.
djbear
My partner of 18 years now is younger than my sons, yet he is mature, intelligent, and while our world experiences are different, we have similar interests. As someone who has worked with young people in my job, I find my partner more interesting than most others his age. We also have couple friends who have a similar age gap who we dine out with. A recent hospitalization for me showed me how much he cared and yet I warned him when we first dated that he would likely be alone later when I die. His response “I want to take care of you”
foxmental
When I was 18, I was hooking up with and dating guys old enough to be my dad (in 2 cases, old enough to be my grandfather). I learned A LOT. I don’t regret doing it. When you’re 18, you’re an adult. You’re supposed to go out in the world, learn, make mistakes, have a few regrets. I didn’t run and look for my parents to hide behind. And I didn’t ask for anybody else to fill their shoes. I don’t think young people today are looking for somebody to do that.
TomG
I presume that it depends on the amount of age difference and whether they are 1st, 2nd, or later born children. My partner is 5 years older and the first born male so he has the responsible part down part, whereas I am the youngest of my natural family. We’ve been together going on 34 years (September).
Rick
It depends on the individuals involved. My partner is 20 years older than I am. When we met in 2001 I was 38 and he 58. We are amazingly compatible and have had no problems with our difference. Oh wait! There was one slight problem. When I first introduced him to my parents, they discovered they had all three graduated from high school the same year. My mom blurted out to my partner “Wait a minute! You’re our age!!”.
Jaws1939
There is 20 year span between us. Been together 24 years
Fname Optional Lname
If we spend our lives trying to educate others that “as long as two (or more) consenting adults are happy and not hurting anyone..” we cannot point a finger at a couple with a thirty year age gap.
Tombear
In some cases where the older gay man is wealthy it’s a benefactor relationship.
Joshooeerr
If you think an age gap is the biggest issue or should be the deciding factor in any relationship, then you clearly don’t know much about relationships. End of.
cuteguy
What happened to “love is love”? Or is it used only when it’s convenient?! As long as it’s between two consenting adults.
greg_atlanta
Fine if there’s mutual interest/admiration.
Iffy if it’s an economic situation (sugar daddy/sugar baby) and the money is the ONLY glue keeping them together.
1898
i’m 38 and recently went on a few dates with a guy who is 21. he asked me out and i was very hesitant at first because of the age difference. much to my surprise, we actually had a lot in common. we had many similar childhood experiences, we were interested in many of the same things, and we had a nearly identical outlook on life, especially in regards to politics. i’m not sure if i see myself entering into a long term relationship with this person, nor am i sure if he sees himself entering one with me, but i do know that we really enjoyed each other’s company and felt very comfortable and at-ease with one another. i think THAT is the key to success in any relationship, whether long term or short term, regardless of the age difference or lack thereof.
mikhailmaui
I am 63 and met a guy six years ago who at the time was 21. He is the one who hit me up on Grindr and I was very up front about my age, but he did not care. Here we are six years later, still together. We each have our own career/income and a very happy life. I have met his family and he has met mine. He is from a wealthy family, so it is not a money thing, and he is very close to his family, so it is not a daddy issue, he simply likes older guys. While I was very hesitant to go past a hook-up, we quickly discovered that we are 100% compatible and at the end of the day we do not care what others think, as quite honestly it is no one else’s business. I do not understand why others have an issue with what two consenting adults chose to do with their lives.
Al
I’m 67 and my husband is 87. We’ve been together for 31 years. We’ve always known that I’d likely be a caretaker someday. Now, he has dementia and uses a walker. My love has never diminished. It’s as honor to care for him
dbmcvey
I’m sorry you both are going through that, but I’m glad you have each other.
johncp56
My heart is out for you i took care of my boss older not a lover but close when Alzheimer took over, hug to you both
NotKingDuncan
What a great story.. & I like: “it’s an honour to care for him”. The replies to this story ignored this somewhat and viewed the dementia as a downer.
mg10
My partner is 14 years younger. Not only are their generational differences, but he is also from a different culture and part of the world. The differences make our relationship more interesting. The things we have in common, that make it work, have nothing to do with when or where we were born. They have to do with values and personality types.
johncp56
I,m now older and like young men, but also when I was really young I like older men, whats the prob,
MDWolf12
When I was 22 I had a 4 year relationship with a gorgeous man 29 years older than me.
The entire span of our relationship, I insisted on paying my own way for everything despite his much larger bank account. we had a relationship of equals, incredible sex, and I spent my time going to operas, ballets, museums, theatre, cooking gormet meals, and having martinis. All the things I wanted to do and my college aged friends did not. we split up when I moved away so I could work in Europe but still stay in contact.
He has even met my husband whom I have been with for 11 years and counting. My husband is 12 years older than me and is incredible in every way. As we go through life together we will occasionally tease one another about the commercial jingles each other knows and a pop culture reference one of us doesn’t know but that’s about it. We recently welcomed our daughter into our lives and I am happy with the journey I have taken so far and where it is going.
Jer
I wish people who question the dedication of men in same-sex marriages could read these statements. One thing apparent throughout is the depth of love between the men. I have two friends, widowers, whose much older husbands died. They both feel better off from the experience and regret nothing because of the age differential.
Stan H
Sharing the same values helps. However the danger is when your the younger person there are things you need to know. The older person thinks everything they do is the right way. No matter the task. Driving, parking, cleaning, pollical opinions, what to wear, what products to buy, You can find yourself feeling very under appreciated,
Then it comes down what you want to watch on television and music you want to hear on the radio while driving in the car. You find yourself “giving in” on everything because your just too exhausted from criticism.
winemaker
What a great article and so spot on for many of us, me included: After being out for many years and having to deal with gay life in all it’s BULLSHIT and nonsense ( games, attitude, arrogance etc) I’d given up on meeting quality men through the usual venues. I got tired of the bars and the nasty men, the gym and the condecnding and arrogant behaviors of the men. I’ve always been attracted to younger men, I can’t explain the reason but I like younger guys. One day after church i began talking to this guy i’d seen for a couple of years periodically and thought wow, is this nice looking guy gay? I’d seen him a couple of times with an older man and thought are they partners. Turns out the older man with Dan was his father. Fast forward, I started chatting with him after Mass ( we’re Catholic) and said “You’ve got an awesome personality” His eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning, he’d given the reading and smiled, stuck out his hand and said, “Hii, my name’s Dan” I then intrioduced myself and we chatted for a couple of minutes. I was so overwhwlmed that this handsome non shallow, non superficial guy actually talked to me instead of giving attitude and the cold shoulder, a very common thing here in San Franciso, the so called friendly ‘gay mecca’, NOT. Long story short, the following Sunday we talked again and I asked him how his week went and we exchanged phone numbers. It turns out he’s in law school, his father is an attorney here in San Francsico and we’re neighbors and we have some things in common. This guy is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, he’s younger than I am but that doesn’t seem to be a problem. We like each other and we’re getting to know each other slowly and it couldn’t be nicer. Too bad my mother is gone as she would love Dan, just like i’m starting to.
winemaker
Amen to such an uplifting article that’s spot on!
cc423
As long as both people are of age, why is this anyone else’s business? How about we stop judging others PERIOD.
xanadu42
I had a 10 year relationship with a man 15 years older than me and it was a wonderful time – until he developed throat cancer, then lung cancer and passed away…
The final three years dealing with the cancer were hell but the first seven years and my love for him made the whole experience worth it even though it was very difficult to deal with at the time.
The age difference was, to me, immaterial…
I learned a lot during my time with him, from him, and I greatly value what he taught me by his example…
Now, fifteen years later, I am the same age he was when he died and I have been with my current partner for the last ten years (and he is three years younger than me)…
Without my experience with my “old man” I wouldn’t be the man I am today and I will always be thankful to my “old man” 🙂