Lengthy thought

Apple’s new Measure app might not accurately size you up, and that’s for the best

No sooner had Apple released its measuring app — an iOS 12 addition cleverly titled Measure — than everyone seemed to realize the Grindr-friendly implications of being able to measure an object with one’s iPhone.

Trouble is, this augmented-reality tool might augment one’s dimensions, so to speak. BGR reports the app spat out three different measurements for the same object, and on one occasion, the measurement changed after it had already been recorded. “Measure is a cool technology demo, and it’s fine if you’re just looking for a rough estimate of something’s length,” the site concludes, “but you clearly shouldn’t rely on it for anything important.

And for some, penis size falls into that “important” category.

Jokes aside, though, it’s probably better that the Measure app won’t get penis length just right. We’re already existing in a society that idolizes whiteness, cisgenderness, straightness, able-bodiedness, slimness, and — though their consequences aren’t as dire as those other attributes — penile lengthiness and girthiness. Anyone who doesn’t measure up in metrics like these can often feel a little less than, so to speak.

Related: New research reveals average penis size is much smaller when you stop lying about size

It’s bad enough that a long schlong is often a prerequisite to a date or a hookup, or that people with penises at or below the average length can’t be the objects of desire in porn and in more PG-13 entertainment. We certainly don’t need an accurate AR app which would serve as yet another gatekeeper to desirability and even acceptability.

To be clear, we’re not trying to be spoilsports. We’re not shaming anyone for coveting certain lengths or girths. Our own browser histories may or may not include multiple searches for “Justin Theroux sweatpants GIF.”

But when we start judging men for their penis size, we’re perpetuating the same value systems that drive guys to fits of insecurity and to ill-advised Amazon searches for “penis pump” or “enlargement pills.”

“There isn’t a man who hasn’t compared the size of his penis to other men in the locker room or at the urinal, a sizing-up that leads to either a prideful smile or a sense of inadequacy,” psychotherapist Stanley Siegel wrote for Psychology Today. “It’s the shame that’s coined a catch phrase: ‘I’m a grower, not a shower.’”

Related: Man mortgages his house to pay for $100,000 penis enlargement surgery

He continued:

“A penis is tied to a man’s sense of his virility. Beyond athleticism, job prestige or earning potential, the powerful penis is considered the true physical manifestation of masculinity. A man is supposed to spread his seed and have the proper tool to do it with.”

Enough with the shame, the insecurity, the biases. Let’s enjoy men for their whole selves, top to bottom. And if you’re so inclined to use the Measure tool on your own tool, feel free, But just know that the result you get might be #FakeNews.

At the very least, don’t judge your worth or the worths of others by any sort of body measurement.