“Alright, another one of those conversations where, you know, maybe you don’t want the young kids, if they’re around, to ask about this stuff,” the uncomfortable anchorman began, “so you get a couple of seconds to usher them out of the room ’cause we’re going to be talking about the new mixed marriage. One straight spouse. One gay spouse.”
That’s how a recent segment on Fox 26 in Houston, TX kicked off. The cringeworthy segment featured Mary Jo Rapini, a well-meaning psychotherapist who specializes in intimacy, sex and relationships. Rapini, who bears a frightening resemblance to Michele Bachmann, was there to discuss the “staggering” number of gay men who she says are trapped in passionless marriages with unsuspecting women.
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“Over four million women have been with a man who’s had sex with a man,” Rapini said, citing a study from the CDC. “The Family Pride Coalition has said over 20 percent of all gay men are in heterosexual marriages.”
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This is a problem, Rapini said, because “many of them go out and have gay relationships without their spouse knowing. You could expose her to an STD or… It’s just not fair! Because she wants to be married to someone that really loves her and enjoys intimacy with her! And they don’t!”
We can’t help but wonder if Rapini was speaking from personal experience. She certainly sounds like a woman scorned.
The psychotherapist went on to claim that these men “do enjoying holding hands and things like that,” but they ultimately lead sad and miserable existences. “Imagine it,” she said, “if you weren’t turned on by your wife, but you needed another man. It’s very hard. It’s very painful.”
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So what becomes of these four million sham marriages?
“The majority of these marriages do end up breaking up,” Rapini estimated. “I would say very few of them make it work. The majority of them, the wife feels violated and the guy just doesn’t feel authentic anymore. It’s like, we know the truth.”
Brace yourself then check out the totally awkward segment below.
woodin
Its called choice, not trapped!
jason smeds
There is nothing wrong with being a gay-identifying man in a heterosexual marriage so long as you aren’t chomping at the bit to have sex with a man. If you are happy to control your same-sex side and remain faithful to the wife, there is no problem.
I get so annoyed with people who automatically paint such marriages as “awful” and “oppressive”. Get real, folks. Such men are entitled to choose a heterosexual marriage and enjoy the fruits of their labors, even if it does mean trying a bit harder to get hard.
David Andrew Roubideaux
That sucks! :)’s
Josh447
This therapist number one, is biased. She falls on the side of supporting unfair treatment to women and does not address once, the harrowing sense of displacement, alienation and desperation of gay and bi males competing and performing in a neurotically Christo-judeo-judgmental paternal hetero-sexist society. These (non-disclosure) dishonest marriages, based in fear of reprisal, are not fair to anybody involved.
Full disclosure is the name of the game. If you can’t buck up full disclosure, don’t hit the alter either, unless you know at the gut of your soul, you can pull off a fair and romantically/sexually fulfilling scene, which means you are bi. It’s really that simple.
As far as dead romantic sexual marriages, that is just part of the territory whether you’re straight bi or gay.
One thing women do get from bi and gay males, is comradery and understanding they don’t get from their straight counterparts, who are emotionally stunted much of the time.
I’m really glad to see this conversation coming up more and more. It sheds light on an area that really needs addressing.
Saint Law
@jason smeds: I could set my watch that you’d post your ‘thoughts’on this topic.
You resent people suggesting such men could open a window on their oppression and that of their unfortunate wives because you relate to it. They’re not getting any of what they want and nor are you.
They, because they are trapped in a relationship with the opposite sex, and you, because you’re trapped in a relationship with yourself.
The only relationship you will ever know, you pathetic masturbating shut-in.
MCHG
You know what my favorite pro gay protest sign is? “Don’t make me marry your daughter”, or some variation of that. Older guys who make it harder for gay men to live honest lives are increasing the chances that their sweet daughter is going to spend her life with a man who can’t really love her. Similarity, plenty of women are homophobic, and if any of these women have spoken against gays in the past, being unwittingly married to a gay person is their own special form of karma. I know to some degree that the guys carry a certain level of responsibility for their lives, but bravery is not an active demand of straight people. I don’t have the standard that every gay has to go through unbearable periods of discrimination when straight people face no such thing. Not everyone is that strong. My blame goes on straight people who perpetuate homophobia, yet are too stupid enough to know that one of the consequences of homophobia is the kind of person you hate sharing a wedding picture with you.
Ditamo
I didn’t see any malice in the segment. I agree 100% with what she said. She talked about how these men look for sex outside of marriage to satisfy their needs, which she wasn’t saying is wrong, but she did say that it can be unfair for the wife which not only doesn’t get to satisfy all her sexual needs but also is being betrayed and has the risk of catching an STD if her husband isn’t playing safe.
I mean, just go to any hook-up app/site and I would guesstimate, out of my experience, about 1/3 of the profiles are men in heterosexual marriages or relationships, and out of those, the majority are men over 40 (baby boomers).
So she didn’t say anything farfetched, she also talked about how many men feel inauthentic, and sad, but stay in the marriage because of children and what society might say of them.
Being that this was discussed in a FOX affiliate and wasn’t followed up by a quote from the Bible pertaining to how homosexuality is a sin that needs to be rid of, I think it’s a good segment…
Masc Pride
I’m curious as to how she collected such large and precise estimates related to secretive behavior. Lots of people throw out big numbers for shock value without explaining how everything is connected. I’d imagine it’s near impossible to truly track the behavior of a lot of these guys. If 20 percent of gay men are truly married to women, I bet a lot of those are arrangements of some sort (meaning the wife knows). I just don’t by this demonizing “four million marriages crushed by homosexuality” bit.
Josh447
Masc Pride
The demonizing bit is getting really boring and I hope to see it gone sooner than later. It’s denial, on a global scale regarding homosexuality that’s the problem.
Ditamo
Careful with the 100% belief schitck. That’s black and white thinking which is wrong, as we live in a spectral world with all kinds of experience along the spectrum of two opposites. In this case cheaters and non cheaters.
I know two married gay/bi men who have never cheated on their wives and don’t care to. Anyway you might consider using “some” some men cheat, just like in a high percentage in str8 marriages, but never is it “all” cheat. This is a huge mistake this “therapist” made and it is misinformation aimed at the public. And we all know how damaging THAT can be.
Ditamo
@Masc Pride: The data came from CDC
@Josh447: She never said all gay/bi men are cheating, neither did I. If it wasn’t clear, I’m only talking about those who do cheat. However, whither they are faithful or not, in either case, I can’t see either partners in such a marriage being fulfilled to the max if one of the partners isn’t attracted physically to the other, even if they love each other as friends and companions. Of course for some people this is enough, and they live happily ever after. But for the majority it isn’t, which is leads to certain gay men to cheat on their wives.
Plus the whole segment wasn’t about demonizing anyone. What I think it was trying to do is make people aware that this is a thing, that it stems from oppression (gay men feeling that they have to merry for appearance sake), that it can be a social malice since it can increase the risk for both physical and mental disease, and finally that it’s better to accept who you are and not lie to yourself and others. That’s what I took away from it at least.
GayEGO
Most gay men that marry a women are only doing so because they were taught by straights that it was the thing to do. When they find out that it will not work for them they divorce, often leaving a child/children behind when they mate with another guy. I have several friends that this has happened to. Fortunately, I decided not to get married to a straight women because I knew it would be a futile effort to live my life as a straight when I knew I was gay. So my lifetime partner of 53 years and I got married 11 years ago in Massachusetts, avoiding all of this gay/straight type of conflict.
Aly Son
Trapped?!…..
kurt_t
Maybe a little awkward, but I think all parties handled the subject with compassion and understanding. And, having known people in mixed-orientation marriages, I think I would agree that the best outcome is to try to hold on to the part of the relationship that’s working and “change the rules” of the relationship.
Funny thing, one thing you hear again and again from people in these kinds of marriages is “I married my best friend.” And I always tell my young friends “Don’t ever marry your best friend. That’s a huge mistake. You need a little hate to make a marriage work.” And, of course, I realize that’s a little bit of an eccentric attitude, but I think that “best friend” dynamic is sort of the– to think in biological terms– the selective pressure that favors mixed-orientation marriages.
Think about it this way. If you’re a gay man, who would you want to be locked in a Tiki bar with for two hours? All the guys you’ve ever had sex with? Or all the women you’ve ever had Sunday brunch with?
Well, sometimes it seems like the person you should marry is the person you want to go to the Tiki bar with, right? Because you had such a good time in the Tiki bar together. But the reality is you’re going to be a lot happier if you marry the person you want to leave the Tiki bar with.
Josh447
Ditamo
Thx Ditamo. I stand corrected on the all or nothing take I had with your comment.
Ann Victor
Does anyone really thinks Fox News is really a reliable source for any kind of news.
Mack
I have to say, it’s their own fault. They’re the ones who forced a lot of gay people into the closets. I have to admit I was one of those in a passionate marriage for 7 years. I finally said enough was enough and came out to my ex-wife and we divorced. That was in 1983 and now we’re best of friends.
lauraspencer
@Ditamo:
Baby Boomers are not in their 40s. That is Gen X. Boomers were born from 1946 – 1964 ranging from age 50 – 68.
Josh447
@Lauraspencer
Uggg. U had to remind me. ????
erasure25
… And this is a problem created entirely by heterosexuals via their discrimination, bigotry, hate, and shaming. Cry me a river.
Ditamo
@lauraspencer: True, however I did say 40 and above. And the problem is in every generation, even in mine (millennial).
leNolaBoy
@Ann Victor: True, but this wasn’t Fox News. It was the news division of the local Houston channel affiliated with Fox Entertainment. The channel of The Simpsons, not the channel of Sean Hannity.
Realitycheck
@jason smeds:
<>and enjoy the fruits of their labors, even if it does mean trying a bit harder
<<to get hard.
While surely everyone is entitled to do as they choose, there are two questions
to be asked:
1) How about the wife? Most likely she is never going to know real love or passion, she will always be a substitute, lets keep in mind these are not Bi man we are talking about but 100% gay.
2) What lead these gay man to make that decision? A desire to have a family
and children can certainly be more understood then fear to be labeled gay,
yet now day we can all have families, marry and adopt children, so the question remains why choose a marriage with a woman? When inside that gay man
will always want man?
Daggerman
….OK, but the point is this convenient arrangement is purely made up..it does not tell you anything about the real Gay men who are firmly in the closet whilst being in a heterosexual marriage…they are the real enemy and cause a huge amount of damage…
tampaed
Truth STINGS! LOL
With women like this in the world it’s surprising there aren’t a LOT more Gay men.
She claims its 20% This roves she does not have a clue LOL! anyone who has ever looked on Craigslist, A4A or any other hookup websites can tell you its more like 70%! Hell If women would quit being Such frozen Bitchy Prudes maybe their husbands wouldn’t be out looking elsewhere to begin with. Frankly I don’t blame these men. If your wife won’t put out and all she can do is Bitch whine and complain then Dump her Bitchy ass and find yourself a new Man or hell 4-5 for that matter. You’ll be freer and happier and your dick will thank you a thousand times over! Life is way to short to live it in A Hell hole dungeon Marriage with some Stupid Bitch who couldn’t have good hot sex if her life depended on it. YEP That’s my Opinion and Just like assholes everyone has one Most are just to fragging lame to admit the truth.
lcandela123
I thought this discussion was done sensitively. I didn’t sense any malice from the therapist, so not sure what others are keying in on.
I know many dozens of gay men that were once married to women, and women that used to have gay husbands. Also, two lesbian women that were married to straight guys. They fall into two categories. The rarer category is the gay man that never really understood that he is gay until years into his marriage when his true feelings come out. The much more common category is the gay man (or woman) that feels pressured by society to live a straight life, and so gets married. Others have commented here that the recent opening of American culture towards LGBT people will certainly reduce this. What a victory for both men and women. No more trapped LGBT people. No more trapped straight people in deceptive marriages.
tllthn89
She’s right. It’s unfortunate and sad for everyone involved. I hope this isn’t my future.