As if being gay and in the throes of puberty weren’t difficult enough, a teenager claims he found his homophobic dad on Grindr.
Reddit user decidinginbetween posted the following thread online:
Found out that my “Homophobe” dad has Grindr on his iPhone when he asked me to go fetch it from the car. I am still closeted (denial/curious) so i know what Grindr is, even though i don’t have it myself. This makes it so much more confusing for me.
The post has received over 100 responses, with other Reddit users offering a wide range of advice.
“My dad was extremely homophobic before I came out to him when I was 18,” atomicpunksf replied. “He ended up doing a total 180 after going to therapy and eventually became the president of our local PFLAG chapter for a while. He later told me that he was bisexual and admitted that his homophobia was due to his own self hatred around being bisexual.”
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“A closeted married guy on Grindr might have some intense homophobia going on that he could take out on the queer kid in his care,” jaycatt7 warned. “Tread carefully.”
“Don’t tell your mother until you have had the chance to talk to him,” dipaolo said. “I know that family makes this predicament 10 times more complicated, but outing someone has repercussions.”
Other advice was slightly less helpful.
“You may have to make a fake profile and try to seduce him,” varianlogic said.
“Is your dad hot?” Jota769 asked.
“Don’t hook up with him,” NotAmused1001 advised.
A few weeks later, decidinginbetween posted the following update on the situation:
Hi all, appreciate all the kind words of help and encouragement. I don’t know how to explain it in details though, but TLDR: Dad stood in denial and went on the defensive, even tried to question my own sexuality. Mom still does not know and that pains me. I guess he would still be that closeted homophobe and I that closeted homo who is too shit to do more. Maybe all of this is just in my head. Maybe i am just thinking too much.
Here’s hoping these two find peace in their complicated situation.
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Giancarlo85
That’s a difficult situation and one I can’t really offer good advice for. I would agree with the user “jaycatt7″… that the teen should be very careful with how he approaches this as his dad could take it out on him.
onthemark
“Other advice was slightly less helpful… ‘Don’t hook up with him,’ NotAmused1001 advised.”
Well actually that’s good advice (even if sarcastic). You never know nowadays with all this “daddy” talk.
Ladbrook
In all honesty, I’m surprised this doesn’t happen MORE often. As SSM becomes more of a reality across the country, people are beginning to realize that there is nothing wrong with being LGB or T, which, of course, leads to more and more people accepting themselves for who they are and then coming out. Some of those people are older Americans who felt the social pressure to “be straight,” get married, and have children. Clearly, this young man’s father was one of those men.
Maybe he’s gay or maybe he’s bi (or maybe he’s just a basher who likes to lure young guys to hotel rooms and beat the crap out of them). Regardless, it shouldn’t be too surprising to find that men in their 40’s, 50’s, or 60’s might be coming out and looking to meet others. And, of course, some of those men will have had children… and some of those kids will be gay.
Ladbrook
I should also point out that this can happen in the straight community, too.
Case in point: a straight friend of mine and his wife (he’s 55, she’s about 48) recently joined the swinger scene. They put up an ad on a website and not long after found an ad placed by their recently married son and his new wife. Needless to say, my friend was pretty freaked out about it.
jwtraveler
TLDR?
demented
@jwtraveler: Too long, didn’t read.
mmichael_24
I feel really bad for the mom
Billy Budd
Someone should write a movie or a series out of this.
SteveDenver
I took my car to Grease Monkey for a lube and oil change. I was checking Grindr and one of the mechanics popped up. I texted “Take good care of my car.” And he texted back, “Need a lube?” If the place hadn’t been so busy, I would have tried to realize some cheesy porn scenario in the Mens room.
I like the Reddit advice: “Don’t hook up with him.”
DuMaurier
When he was in high school a friend of mine hooked up with an older man at the beach, and found out he was the father of a bullying homophobic classmate. Did the classmate know or think he knew about his dad, and bullying was his way of acting out? Who knows, but my friend certainly fantasized about turning the tables on him by ‘exposing’ the dad. He thought better of it, fortunately for all concerned.
On a side note: back then we didn’t have Internet, so my friend could only discuss the situation with me and maybe a few other close acquaintances, not a zillion strangers. Sometimes I’m nostalgic for those days of actual personal interaction.
wpewen
One of the problems with this as somebody from an older generation is people getting to talk about everything like this online. It’s inappropriate as hell what goes on with Reddit, most of us are not shrinks. Years ago we went to rap groups where we actually interfaced with people, and kept heavy stuff with counselors. I realize that’s not available to people like myself from LA but having 100 people zipping in and out of your personal life is exactly what we were fearing in 1975 when “People” magazine came out, believe it or not. It’s bar culture without the booze and real life.
Ladbrook
@Billy Budd: There’s a book from a couple of decades ago called “Lost Language of Cranes” by David Leavitt. It addresses the topic of a son discovering that his married father is gay. It’s very well written, and if I’m not mistaken, the BBC did a film version of it in the late 90’s. A good read… highly recommended.
smartguyd
My parents split up after I found a craigslist ad my Dad posted looking for guys to come screw him in our house when no one was home. He later admitted to being bi and told my sister he was cheating on my mom their entire relationship. But I mean he is all around real fucked up using drugs his whole life to self medicate because he was ashamed of his sexuality and he is bipolar and he told me he lost his virginity at like 13 or 14 when a middle aged neighbor woman started molesting him.
LadyL
@Billy Budd: Already done, sort of: “The Lost Language of Cranes” — novel by David Leavitt, 1986; made into a (British) TV film, 1991; released to DVD in 2009.
LadyL
@Ladbrook: Whoops–didn’t see your reply to Billy Budd until after I posted! (Great minds, eh?)
offbeatoh86
Oh, the irony!
Alan down in Florida
@jwtraveler: Don’t feel bad – I didn’t know either.
gaym50ish
Years ago I was aware of a father and son who both cruised in the same park restroom. The father was aware that his son was gay but did not know his son was hanging out in the same park where he went cruising. The son didn’t have a clue that his dad was gay.
I knew them both, but I know the father through business connections and he didn’t know that I had observed him cruising. I never betrayed the dad’s secret to his son, but I WAS worried about what might happen in the dark at one of those bathroom glory holes.
Clark35
This story sounds made up and fake.
technicolornina
If he has somewhere else he can stay (and he’s over 18, which I assume he must be if he’s on Grindr), I WOULD send a message to his dad’s profile. It’d be one thing if Mom was in the loop and Grindr was a way for his dad to have some consensual fun on the side, but that doesn’t sound like the case at all.
Pete
Varianlogic is right: provided (VERY IMPORTANT!) dad is a hot daddy, create a GRINDR profile and hook-up with him! Look at Josman’s classic cartoon series “My Wild and Raunchy Son!”
We have to acknowledge that not making babies changes the rules for gays, and I don’t see why first anal shouldn’t be like any other father-son rite-of-passage, like baiting a fish-hook.
Of course the rules change if dad’s a fug. Unless of course you’re a fug, too. Then it’s probably the only chance either of you have to get laid!