A New York City guy with a boyfriend hit up Reddit recently to ask about making gay friends while being in a relationship, explaining that he has his “party crew” but also wants homo company for more low-key hangouts. “You know, dinners, movies, games, shopping. Casual things,” he wrote.
The original poster is reluctant to try using dating apps to make platonic friends, too. “I’m not looking to hook up, just wanting to hang out,” the added. “Anyone else feel this struggle?”
Related: How can I make gay friends without having sex with them?
Luckily, the OP’s fellow Redditors came through with ideas. “NYC has gay sports leagues for just about every sport out there,” one wrote. “They’re a great way to meet friends.”
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“I joined an LGBT support group a few months ago, and that’s how I met my BF and a bunch of other gay friends,” another said. “We held gatherings every month plus some other small events.”
A third commenter pointed out the plethora of gay Meetup groups around the Big Apple.
Others, meanwhile, could sympathize with the OP’s predicament. “My husband and I live in Las Vegas. We both want to have intellectual, non-sexual relationships with other gay people, but it’s f*cking hard,” one commented. “We are not into partying/clubs/bars at all. We drink, occasionally smoke weed, and are both very chill and introverted, haha. So I definitely feel your struggle.”
Another wrote, “Same deal but in Philly. Tried Tinder but it went… badly. Made it super clear in my profile I was trying to make friends, always led with that in conversations, but I came to realize guys either didn’t believe me or were looking for a ‘challenge.’”
Related: Bromance after love: Why friendship with an ex is easier for gay men
But when one Redditor said he just moved to New York City with his boyfriend and has the same struggle, Internet magic was made.
“Perfect,” another Reddit user chimed in. “Why don’t you and OP [message] each other, meet up for drinks with your BFs (double date) and go from there. No catch, no expectations — just have fun!”
And the original poster replied to say he’s “definitely open” to the double date idea. Problem solved, hopefully!
Josh447
That’s a hard one as many long term friends can start out as one night stands. Maybe it’s time to start more non sexual social clubs online that have physical meetings.
white-queer-african
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JorgeTurner1659
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Mack
I go out every Saturday night for dinner with a group of gay friends. Our group is about 30+.Not all go out at the same time but when some don’t go others goes. Some are married others are single. Our ages range from late 30’s to mid- 70’s. We have doctors, teachers, small businessmen, accountants and retirees. Once a month we have a potluck. Then the Saturday before Thanksgiving we have a big Thanksgiving potluck and there’s about 40+ there. And most are active at the local LGBTQ community center. We’re in a mid-size town and we help each other. Yes gays can be friends and not be in a relationship.
Mark Behar
National Association of Black and White Men Together (nabwmt.org) has local chapters throughout the country, and is designed to help us meet each other for social, political, cultural, conversational and activities on really anything! Although there are focused activities & discussions on interraciality, relationships, homophobia, HIV/AIDS, and everything else, we have several Face Book pages with over 13,000 “members”, and local chapters and groups in south California and Florida, Seattle, Phoenix, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Philadelphia, Detroit.
ShiningSex
Using a dating app to JUST make friends is stupid. There are other avenues than a hook up app. HELLO!!! There are chat groups on FB that are a good way. Try volunteering for gay organizations. Yes, gays can be JUST friends too. Trust is a big issue and if a partner doesn’t trust you, then you’re in the wrong relationship.
MISTERJETT
my ex tried to make me think they could.
RIGay
It’s why I joined the local gay men’s chorus.
My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 6. We live in a wonderfully community that is predominantly elderly, retired or nearly retired. The gay neighbors, also in those categories, are more or less female.
Love these neighbors dearly, but… I just need a weekly dose of catty chatting to keep my sanity. Sure, I look at some of the guys as easy on the eyes (as the saying goes, just because you are on a diet don’t mean you can’t look at the menu), but… my husband is who I climb into bed next to each night and wake up next to each morning. And I don’t want that to change.
Creamsicle
I’m not sure that reddit is the best place to go when you need advice about normal behavior in a healthy relationship. It’s pretty much first stop when I want to talk anonymously about being dysfunctional and weird.
djmcgamester
It’s definitely possible. I’ve had many gay friends over the years where sex never entered the equation. There are also the guys who think sex is a give or at least will try to take an opportunity when it appears to present itself. People and people and they all act differently.