A gay man in his 30s has found himself in a crappy situation: He’s single with zero gay platonic friends. And he has no idea where to find any. So he’s turning to Reddit for advice.
“I’m simply looking for gay male friends, but I don’t know where to start,” the man writes.
“As it stands right now, I have exactly one gay friend, and one gay friend who lives about 100 miles away who regularly shows off the friends with benefits that he constantly hooks up with, which gets old when you are pretty much sexless.”
Related: Old gay men must stop hooking up with their friends and build healthier relationships, blogger says
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The friend that lives in his city, the man explains, has such a crazy work schedule that they hardly ever see one another. In fact, the only way they can hang out is when they plan for it “months in advance.”
“I enjoy drinking at gay bars, but I detest going by myself,” he continues. “I’m basically trying to meet gay guys to talk to and drink with, with zero expectation of sex or any emotional bond more than friendship. I have no clue where to start.”
He says he’s tried apps, and he doesn’t have time to join any gay clubs or organizations because they always meet in the evenings when he has to work.
“I’m, for all intents and purposes, single and friendless,” he laments. “I feel largely ignored and dismissed. What exactly do I do?”
Related: Find It Hard To Make Gay Friends? You’re Not Alone.
Unfortunately, his fellow Redditors don’t seem to have much practical advice to offer.
“You sleep with gay men and realize that you aren’t compatible for dating but that you do really like each other otherwise,” one person writes. “That’s how a really good number of gay friendships start off.”
Or, that same person suggests, “you quasi-date someone for a bit, they introduce you into their friend group, the romance fizzles off, and the social aspect persists.”
In other words: Go steal someone else’s friends!
“You are thirty, so here is some advice,” another person advises, “pick a bar, attend a given night, become a ‘regular.’ Make conversation with the guys there, some of them will not be friendly, but some of them will. Observe how they move, what they do, how they socialize and do the same things bro. Smile at them.”
In other words: Become an alcoholic and reeelaaax!
Related: When Your Gay Friends Give You Terrible Advice
Other suggestions people have include “You just need momma to push you out the door,” and “Lots of gay guys are catty bitches,” and “I don’t think it is as dire as you portray, I think you just have not had much success and that has primed you for failure.”
Then there’s this keen observation: “I’m going be totally honest, reading your past posts makes it sound like you might have some serious self esteem issues. Have you ever talked to anyone about that?”
Do you have a hard time developing gay platonic friendships? What advice would you give this guy? Share your thoughts in the comments section…
Evji108
Actually the first suggestion has worked for me…
Several men I hooked up with once or twice have become good platonic friends. Use whatever resources you have available. If you won’t hook up you have cut yourself off from a whole pool of potential friends. And sitting at the depressed alcoholic section of your local club (the bar) isn’t going to attract anyone.
Zambos271
I’ve run into this problem. I just talk to people wherever I go. You can make gay friends at the gym, grocery store, etc.
And if you are a regular at a bar, you start to meet people. It doesn’t have to be depressing.
chris33133
join a sports league, a reading club, an activities oriented group, or even a church
Renone
Good suggestions!
Richie4360
One of my dearest gay friends came from a date that didn’t work out. We were honest with each other – we weren’t sexually attracted to each other but really enjoyed each other so we decided to be friends, without ever having slept together.
But the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself is find a community of like-minded gay men – I found Easton Mountain in upstate NY but there are others – and now I have many, wonderful friendships with gay men for the first time in my life.
Renone
Thanks.
CJones01
Going to a bar during trivia night might be a good way to start. You can be adopted by a group who needs an extra player. Karaoke night might be good too. Joining a gay sports league or choir might be worth considering. If none exist or those don’t strike your fancy, try making a MeetUp that does. “XYZ Area Gay Writers Circle,” “LGBT D&D…” go wild. Some establishments might be willing to host.
You could also try taking a class. Cooking, dance, photography, French… pursue something you’ve wanted to do. If you can’t find gay friends, you’ll make straight friends who may have gay friends.
Basically get out there and try something and keep at it.
Heywood Jablowme
Excellent points. And it’s a little odd that someone who hangs out on Reddit doesn’t seem to have heard of Meetup!
Blackceo
Ahhh the age old question. This is a real and difficult thing. Same issue that many straight men and women have as well. My best friend is someone who I’ve been intimate with and it didn’t work out but we have so much in common that we’ve been able to remain such good friends in a strictly platonic way. But I don’t have many gay male friends. I’ve got 3 total who are true friends; a few others who are acquaintances. Most of my other close acquaintances are women and straight men.
There are social meet up groups though for those who are looking for friends or acquaintances so he should probably try that. I agree with him in avoiding the apps. If he’s into sports a good way is maybe a sports league or a group that gets together for dinner and movie or trip kind of things. I met some of my acquaintances by going on a ski trip. I didn’t know anyone and left the trip making a connection with people I still stay in frequent touch with.
michaelmt1009
I understand where he is coming from, I certainly experience the same things. He’s only in his 30’s, try being a gay man in his 60’s and trying to make new friends in a new city. Not an easy prospect. It reminds me of being back in high school where you had to eat lunch by yourself. Gay men at all ages seem to be obsessed with looks and sex and do not seem to understand the concept of friendship. And while I am on a rant, bartenders in gay bars don’t seem to understand the concept of welcoming in a new customer, being friendly and making them feel comfortable in the establishment and allowing us the opportunity to speak to other customers.
Heywood Jablowme
I may be in your EXACT situation in a few years. Considering a move to a new city, when I’m your age. (Not all of my current friends approve of this plan!) I’ve checked out what gay Meetups, political / social groups etc. are happening there.
You say, “Gay men at all ages seem to be obsessed with looks and sex and do not seem to understand the concept of friendship.” Well, come on. How many guys in their 60s have the exact same attitude? A lot of them!
CodyJ
WOW…..Im 66,and you could be writing about me….lol….my hobbies sustain me, but it would be nice to have a platonic bud.,
nm4047
in the gay world, 30 is 60.
geb1966
Regarding your comment about bartenders, I find that is not the case at all at the bars I go to. They are quite friendly, generous with their pours if they know you tip well, often chat and ask about my life, as well as share what’s going on in theirs.
As someone in my 50s, I am much more comfortable going to the bar alone now than I was in my 30s. I know several of the performers and enjoy a good drag show, so I have two choices: Go alone or sit at home alone. Even if I am alone, if I go out, I get to enjoy a good show, even if I don’t hang out with anyone. Once I got comfortable with my own company, I made several friends, who, in turn, introduce me to their friends. My circle of gay friends include guys as young as 24 and as well as men my age or older. You got to put yourself out there.
Danny595
When we build a culture based upon pervasive and long-term promiscuity, this is where we end up. Healthy relationships of all kinds are starved and made rare. That’s why it’s a good thing that the culture of promiscuity created 40 years ago is collapsing. Your best bet is to go to avoid the remaining strongholds of that old dying culture and seek out venues, events and people untainted by its stain.
monsterjamm
I certainly understand. I’m in my 4os. And I’m trying to figure it out also but I’m from an area that doesn’t have many lgbt activities if any. It’s s pretty small town and things are very much unavailable. If I wanted to and I had the money to do it I could drive probably two hours but that’s of course no guarantee that anyone would be interested in me.
Plus the whole app thing is a joke. You have to spend more time weeding through the junk to get even close to one and if you find someone close to legit they don’t even respond to you.
I know it’s weird what I’m looking for and most guys would be like just hookup and get it but it’s not about that for me and it’s killing me I can’t find anyone.
blankman
How can hetero people make friends of the opposite sex without sleeping with them?
Once you’ve figured that out you’ve got your answer.
Heywood Jablowme
I like a lot of the suggestions here. I’m an introvert, not outgoing at all, but over the years I learned to push myself to try the more focused activities here: a couple of hiking groups, a dinner/social group, a political group, trivia nights, etc. Not everything works right away, in terms of making friends, but the activity itself is still fine. (Sometimes a little intense for an introvert like me, but I had to remind myself: hey that was okay, I’ll go again.)
One quibble. The Redditor’s advice was merely “pick a bar, attend a given night,” but the Queerty writer says “In other words: Become an alcoholic and reelaaax!” That’s uncalled for. Going to a bar one day a week hardly makes someone an alcoholic! Gay bars are no longer the only game in town, that’s great, but they can still be fun social places.
And yeah, a few of my long-time friends are guys who were ONE time hookups… but we got to talking. Nothing wrong with that.
geb1966
The Queerty comment about becoming an alcoholic bugged me, too. I know it was prob’ly a failed attempt at humor, but still I am a regular at a couple of bars and don’t drink at all. One I go to with work friends one night a week for cheap apps as dinner during happy hour & the other one I go to to watch the drag show. The bartenders at both places, when I pull up a stool, pour me a Sprite & have it in front of me before I even sompletely sit down.
GayEGO
Good question. My suggestion is to say no if a sexual move is made by the other one, and if the friendship is there, it will survive the sexual rejection.
Geeker
Damn good question, I’ve always found it weird when a group of gay “friends” have in the past or continue to have sex with each other.
Paco
You both have to be sexually repulsed by the other. Sex will never intrude upon the friendship. Guaranteed.
throwslikeagirl
There are many excellent suggestions here. Many social groups are full of men who came to them simply to make some friends. BTW, it takes no time at all to make acquaintances, but it takes a good deal of time, and work, to develop a friendship. Many of my gay friends did indeed start with a date, or even a few months of dates, that didn’t work out. As a friend of mine said years ago, “Gay men… we shoot first and ask questions later!”
S.anderson
I just don’t know what to tell this guy. I seem to be the type who everyone in the bar avoids and ignores (i’m not ugly or an alcoholic), and the rare hookup never results in a repeat. Yet, when I try to arrange platonic buddy activities, I get really pushy sex offers. Men seem determined to frustrate me at every turn.
Donston
I see some pretty good suggestions here, and I really don’t have anything else to offer. I only have one legit gay friend and one lesbian friend. And I’m cool with that. Though I have a couple of casual gay friends, and I’m close with my gay cousin.
I do think it’s important for gay/gay-leaning people to develop genuine, non shallow and non sex driven friendships with each other. I’ve noticed that people who don’t are much more likely to contend with depression, self-resentment, internalized homophobia or eventually self-reject.
PinkoOfTheGange
@Malcolm Rhodes
dude friendship isn’t a zero sum game.
bill195463
I’m old and fat and all my close friends are str8, married, or divorced women. I have two gay friends, but we no longer get together or rarely even talk/FB. So really no gay friends. I have a lesbian sister, but she live 4 states away. I have a gay dentist who has a large group of friends, but I’m not wealthy or young enough for them.
Scotty2Naughty
Finding Gay friends is difficult, especially if you’re attractive. I don’t even look anymore. I had one true Gay friend who was like a blood brother to me, but he passed away suddenly and way too young. Haven’t found any other real Gay friends. They all want to have sex. One guy even unfriended me and I didn’t know why. Then he responded to me one day. Apparently, he was tired of hanging out and not getting my c0ck up his a$$. Sorry, dude.
Donston
Also, finding genuine gay friends seems to be easier when you have a boyfriend/husband.
gaym50ish
Most of my close gay friends are guys I have had sex with one time, and only once. And thereafter we became great friends without another word being spoken about having sex — except with other guys.
trelin
32yo here. I found this article fascinating because this is something I’ve struggled with a lot. I live right outside of NYC. I’ve had a struggle with making and keeping gay friends. I was seeing someone recently and he was very well connected with a strong group of friends. I found this incredibly intimidating since he constantly wanted to bring me around to them, whether they be his city friends, local friends, or college friends. I was very overwhelmed because I couldn’t reciprocate. My closest friends didn’t live nearby enough to introduce him to them.
Reading comments and advice has been great. I frankly don’t want to hook-up and then attempt to make a friendship out of it, yet that may be one method. I often think to just forget about it and live my life, but it’s something that I want. I want that strong group of people.
linniejr
I’n going to say this, as a gay man, I have straight friends that I don’t have sex with. Some of them it was a struggle, because they thought that all gay men wanted to be with them. Many of them felt that way because, most of the gay men they met had ulterior motives. I let them know that wasn’t the case with me. I respect them and they respect me. Many of my straight friends tend to be over protective at times, but there is nothing sexual between us. It is easy to make friends as longs as the boundaries are clearly set.