This just in: Christian extremist Dave Daubenmire wants $867 trillion for the “crotch shots” he was forced endure he tuned into last Sunday’s Super Bowl halftime show featuring gay icons Jennifer Lopez and Shakira.
“I want to sue them,” Daubenmire rages in a video posted to his social media channels this week. “I want to sue them for about 867 trillion dollars!”
According to Daubenmire, the halftime performance, during which the Latina pop sensations gave the gays everything they wanted with a dazzling spectacle of hits that included fireworks, sequins, fringe, a stripper pole, and who-knows-how-many male backup dancers, should have come with a trigger warning for conservatives.
“Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old son, whose hormones are getting ready, just starting to operate, were there any warnings that what he was going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?” Daubenmire steams.
But it’s not just 12-year-old boys he’s concerned about. He’s also worried about how seeing half-naked people dancing on television might affect his eternal address.
“I think we ought to go sit down in the courtroom and as present this as evidence of how, whoever is keeping me from getting into the kingdom of heaven,” the 67-year-old rants. “Could I go into a courtroom and say viewing what you put in that screen put me in danger of hell fire?”
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He continued, “You didn’t tell me I was going to watch it! You just brought it into my living room! You didn’t tell me there were going to be crotch shots!”
In the past, Daubenmire has compared “male butt sex” to Wendy’s hamburgers, claimed masturbation is a form of homosexuality, and called Pete Buttigieg “Pete Buttplug.”
Daubenmire is now seeking a lawyer who can help him launch a class action lawsuit against the NFL, Super Bowl halftime show sponsors, and his cable provider.
Watch. Or don’t.
Related: Right wing commentator claims masturbation is a form of homosexuality
Grrrowler
Yes, we gay men love nothing more than a woman writhing on a stripper pole.
The NFL has a very easy defense here: “You could have changed the channel.”
TomG
It’s people like this who court our already overburdened court system. He HAD TO KNOW what the show would entail BEFORE he FORCED himself to watch it. He’ll be laughed out of court and any lawyer who takes his case should be disbarred.
Paul Nadolski
1. Pick up remote control
2. Change the channel
Problem solved!
leecee
Oh my, that would be too simple. Some people love to complicate things.
KerryB
I submit that by watching television on the sabbath, he was in violation of the 3rd commandment and will surely burn in hell.
sillyme
He’s a demented little shit and wants to hear himself say those things and could be that he’s offended due to the small fact he got turned on. I want to know who forced him to sit through the entire half-time show and not change the channel nor leave the room? Does he even have a 12 year old son right now watching this crap of his that did get turned on, or was it just him???
SWolfeBSEd
If I survived watching “The Solid Gold Dancers” dance from 1980 to 1988, then your kids will survive watching Jennifer Lopez and Chakira dance.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10157954879134710&set=p.10157954879134710&type=3&theater
In case anyone is wondering who “The Solid Gold Dancers” were:
Solid Gold was an American syndicated music television series that debuted on September 13, 1980 and ran until July 23, 1988. The program was a production of Brad Lachman Productions in association with Operation Prime Time and Paramount Domestic Television.
Usually airing on Saturday evenings, Solid Gold was one of several shows that focused on the popular music of any given week; other examples included the long-running American Bandstand and Soul Train. While Solid Gold did share elements with those two programs, such as live appearances by performers, it also stood out by including something they did not: an in-house crew of professional dancers that performed routines choreographed to the week’s featured songs.
Reviews of the show were not always positive, with The New York Times referring to it as “the pop music show that is its own parody…[enacting] mini-dramas…of covetousness, lust and aerobic toning—routines that typically have a minimal connection with the songs that back them up.”
Dan Renzi
God bless you for referencing the Solid Gold dancers. Cue the fog machines!
Jared MacBride
or the Fly Girls from In Living Color, or the Ikettes.
ShiningSex
It’s Shakira not with a “C”. and it’s J.Ho not Jennifer Lopez.
The solid gold dancers were so gay and I loved it.
ray444
I guess the NFL execs really are a crafty bunch. They must have paralyzed both this person’s remote control and him, forcing him to watch the titillating display!
Jon in Canada
If this goes anywhere near a court, I trust the judge, while trying contain their laughter, asks this one simple question: “why didn’t you just change the channel”?
Case dismissed.
nitejonboy
Morons like this always make me wonder what the highest grade level they reached was, lol He is right about the comparison of Homosexuality to Wendy’s Hamburgers, cause I can’t get enough of either one of them they are both addictive! Lol
Garth
Poor f**ker only knows how to turn on the tv ? The person who turns it off for him and changes the channels must not of been home ha ha ha ! Dumb arse .
Joshooeerr
Good luck proving the existence of hell fire in court!
GentlemanCaller
Hypocritical, cherry-picking cristians need to stop trying to make everyone else live by their stupid, rigid, made-up morality and deal with their own issues. Don’t want to see moderately-talented, scantily-clad women writhing onstage and lipsynching indistinguishable songs? Go find something else to do: no one is forcing you, Clockwork Orange-like, to watch this stuff. Don’t like Vegas? Don’t go. Don’t like gay marriage? Stick to straight stuff. Jesus, people, it’s not so hard.
GregoryH
First thing he has to do is prove that a place referred to as ‘the kingdom of heaven’ actually exists. Good luck with THAT one. BTW, the buy-bull proves NOTHING!
Jared MacBride
“Christian extremist” is a redundancy.
HowDemApples
Why or how does he know what buttplugs are if he is such a holier than thou christian man?
TomG
It’s people like this who court our already overburdened court system. He HAD TO KNOW what the show would entail BEFORE he FORCED himself to watch it. He’ll be laughed out of court and any lawyer who takes his case should be disbarred.
Thom59
BWAHAHAHA!!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Actually am thinking what’s gonna subject him to Hell fire is him being a little too interested in a 12 year old boys sexual awakening..
charlieeod74
Old Coach Daubedinshit at it again. He’s got to be one of the most absurd christian zealots on the www. Perhaps those of us in the queer community should sue him for four hundred gazillion dollars for defamation of the human race!
ShiningSex
the real danger is if you’re a fan of J.Ho or Shakira whose music sucks big time.
Chipper
I wander how many times a day he jacks off?
Invader7
Miss Thang: Switch the channel you idiotic MORON!!! I hope the judge literally throws a gavel at your pea-sized brain/head and knocks some overdue sense into your otherwise common sense starved brain !!