This just in: Christian extremist Dave Daubenmire wants $867 trillion for the “crotch shots” he was forced endure he tuned into last Sunday’s Super Bowl halftime show featuring gay icons Jennifer Lopez and Shakira.
“I want to sue them,” Daubenmire rages in a video posted to his social media channels this week. “I want to sue them for about 867 trillion dollars!”
According to Daubenmire, the halftime performance, during which the Latina pop sensations gave the gays everything they wanted with a dazzling spectacle of hits that included fireworks, sequins, fringe, a stripper pole, and who-knows-how-many male backup dancers, should have come with a trigger warning for conservatives.
“Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old son, whose hormones are getting ready, just starting to operate, were there any warnings that what he was going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?” Daubenmire steams.
But it’s not just 12-year-old boys he’s concerned about. He’s also worried about how seeing half-naked people dancing on television might affect his eternal address.
“I think we ought to go sit down in the courtroom and as present this as evidence of how, whoever is keeping me from getting into the kingdom of heaven,” the 67-year-old rants. “Could I go into a courtroom and say viewing what you put in that screen put me in danger of hell fire?”
He continued, “You didn’t tell me I was going to watch it! You just brought it into my living room! You didn’t tell me there were going to be crotch shots!”
In the past, Daubenmire has compared “male butt sex” to Wendy’s hamburgers, claimed masturbation is a form of homosexuality, and called Pete Buttigieg “Pete Buttplug.”
Daubenmire is now seeking a lawyer who can help him launch a class action lawsuit against the NFL, Super Bowl halftime show sponsors, and his cable provider.
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