An Ohio man says he just doesn’t understand why his gay son and son-in-law have stopped talking to him after he said he doesn’t support same-sex marriage and hopes their relationship fails, so he’s writing to advice columnist Annie Lane for help.
“It seems impossible for me to mend my relationship with my son,” the father laments. “He is 38, and I am 68. Back when he was 22, he came out of the closet and told us he was gay.”
The father goes on to say that it took him several years of therapy to accept his son’s sexuality but eventually he was able to come to terms with it.
“My son and I got along for a while. But a few years ago, Ohio passed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage. To me that was a big no-no, because men don’t marry men. I let him know, big-time, that I was against it.”
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So you can imagine the father’s shock when his son met a man and got married.
“He found someone to officiate the marriage and marry him and his partner. He even got the marriage license. But he didn’t get married through a traditional church.”
The father continues, “I told him I would never accept it, and that I hoped his marriage fails. Of course, he didn’t like that at all.”
We can’t imagine why.
The father says he’s calmed down since then and has apologized several times for openly wishing his son’s marriage ends in divorce, even though, deep down, he’s still not OK with it.
So why can’t his son just get over it already?
“I want him to put this one thought aside and agree to disagree,” the father writes. “For two years, he and his husband have wanted nothing to do with me at all!”
In her response, Annie Lane doesn’t sugar coat anything.
“If you want to be part of your son’s life, then you’re going to have to accept that he’s gay,” she writes.
“You seem to recognize this fact, and I take it you’re still trying to work past your feelings in counseling.”
Lane goes on to tell the guy that if he’s not in therapy, he definitely should be because, at the end of the day, it would be pretty sad if he lost his relationship with his son over something like this.
“I urge you to keep going to counseling and to keep digging within your heart for a way to get past this,” she writes.
“He is your son, and life is short. It would be heartbreaking if you two went the rest of yours without ever speaking again.”
Boone
They’re better off without the stupid old bastard.
Gandalf The Grey
Boone, I completely agree with you!
david_warner
I agree with you too. Stick with your family of choice!
rock9221
Amen,
LARRY
Amen Boone! Most Blood these days could give a shit so we have our chosen family with whom we adore!
Cam
“”“I want him to put this one thought aside and agree to disagree,”””
________________________________
Except this isn’t a “Disagreement”, this is one person saying “I would like to live my life and be happy” and the other person saying “You should not have civil rights and I hope your life fails, I disagree with your existence.”
The first thing the dad should do is admit this is bigotry. FOX News may call it a “Disagreement” but that’s just right wingers covering for their hate.
Toofie
Exactly!
rikard_pearson
he doesn’t need therapy. he needs to accept the fact that he is wrong. the law is what it is and his religious opinion belongs to him. if he can’t accept the fact that he lost that argument and wish happiness for his son he doesn’t deserve a son.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
1 Timothy 5:8
“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”
masterwill7
Oh wow, I didn’t knew this! Even more mud to throw back at the christian haters.. This father got what he deserved, I would never have to see him again, he wishes his son to be unhappy, that’s the worst thing you can wish on someone… Bye dad! ??
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
masterwill7:. I really, really wish more people on our side would adopt, publicized and as you stated throw back at them. Comes directly from their precious Bible and pretty much destroys their “justification” for seeking to deny equality based on their religious beliefs
startenout
Once again, y’all decide to hate on us Christians. Who hurt you? Maybe it’s time for some healing conversations.
Not every Christian hates gay people especially when we are gay! The article doesn’t mention him being Christian…the only sideways glance at it is him saying they didn’t get married in a traditional church. There are those in the Jewish and Muslim faiths who espouse this sane ignorant hatred. Heck there are atheist and agnostic homophobes, too, yet you never seem to mention them.
It may be hard confronting your own demons, but don’t put that on all Christians. Visit the Episcopal Church of you would like to talk it out.
D_Bro
@startenout
“Once again, y’all decide to hate on us Christians. Who hurt you?”
Christians! That who has hurt us. Or have you been living in a different world? When the predominant Christian voices are condemning us, then unfortunately even progressive Christians reap the negative feelings.
And to your comment, “Heck there are atheist and agnostic homophobes, too, yet you never seem to mention them”, is easily responded to. Atheists and Agnostics don’t use their lack of faith/religion as an excuse for their bigotry.
Doug
This is so typical of conservatives: I don’t want you to have the same rights as I do and I don’t want you to be happy by marrying like I do. Now why on earth would you dislike me for that?
It’s like they’ve lost the ability to understand logic.
bowlingbutch
There is no agree to disagree. This man wants to be happy and wants a relationship with his son with conditions. He does not want his son to be happy unless the son agrees to his hatred. Every gay person should cut anyone from their lives who thinks they should not have the same rights as themselves.
ShiningSex
I guess he’s too stupid to know why. Anyone opposed to gay marriage is a total moron, and there are some in our community that are those idiots too.
david_warner
Screw the old man. Even if he did apologize, what would it prove other than the fact that’s he’s learned how to manipulate a bad situation to get what he wants. What’s been said, can’t be unsaid, what is heard, can’t be unheard. You can forgive, but NEVER, NEVER forget. He’s not an ally and probably never can be, so move on and build yourself a supportive family of choice.
smartguyd
There is a disconnect between everyone’s ‘beliefs’ and reality eventually, and how you live in the world seems to be very dependent on how you come to terms with it. I came out in 2011 to my mom and after making very clear to me how much it didn’t change anything she mumbled something about the bible and everyone being sinners so why should she judge my sin. If you didn’t know her you might think of that as hurtful. But she was the epitome of actions speak louder than words. She died in 2014 but every moment we spent together in those 3 years was filled with excessive love and support for me without an ounce of hesitation.
curiobi
Right! This is what gets on my nerves. You want people to be unhappy because what, god? -An all-powerful being by your teachings needs you to run interference on people’s personal lives, yeah I don’t think so.
Try chapter “Mind your own business” verse one,
-For he that cannot keep his stupid opinions to himself shall surely get bitch slapped, so sayeth the Lord!
Also known as the real bible verses about picking the beam from your own eye before the splinter from someone else’s, and about he who his without sin casting the first stone!
batesmotel
I don’t accept who choose to marry as I disagree with same sex marriage, but come visit me anyway so we can hang out. Doesn’t work like that. The father is obviously also old school when this was unheard of. He’s going to have to evolve and get over it. It’s just love. It’s not that big of a deal.
fireman452
My husband and I are the couple that won marriage equality in Florida and my parents both had this same attitude. We cut our ties because as I told them: I had two choices first I could do as they demand and be miserable OR I could grab what happiness I could out of this life and Chuck makes me happy. At that they said we are through.
I feel sorry for both the son and the father. There will come a time that the son will have serious regrets I believe even though this is not in his power to control, and it is possible the father before he passes will also have serious regrets, even now he is beginning to question things. I think Broke Back Mtn tells this story in very real terms, society generally sets standards that ebb and flow but many of societies norms end up as the Doge said in Romeo and Juliet “All are punished!!!!!!!!”
JamJewel
I’m sorry but I don’t understand the ‘Brokeback Mountain’ reference. Jack is he only one I remember dying so is that the ‘punishment’ to which you refer? [You may not have meant it but you imply that you subscribe to the belief that we need to be punished for being gay! in this case, by estrangement!] Or was it Ennis’ regrets cum loneliness for having remained closeted?
Mr-DJ
He’s expecting his son to do the things he himself should be doing.
Bob LaBlah
To be fair to the father not enough is know about his education level and background to pass judgement. That is his son and it isn’t easy for a lot of men to accept they have a pillow biter for a son, or everything they were taught to dislike coming up. I find it childish of that son not to know enough about his father’s upbringing to no understand and accept how he feels. Hopefully if he continues with the childish pouting the old man will cut him out of his will and rest in peace. Apologizing that many times to me went overboard and it leaves me with the impression the son got married for no other reason than to spite his father.
Satoria
While, no, we don’t know his upbringing, it’s very obvious how he feels. No matter his age, there’s always room to learn and grow. His father made his feelings very clear. While he has said sorry, he admits, in his heart, he’s not. He still hopes the worst for his son’s marriage. Obviously his son knows him better than we do, given he still hasn’t spoken to him.
I do hope the father takes the advice given to him. Too many children, child or adult, have been turned away from the very people who promised to love, cherish and protect them.
Bob LaBlah
The man wished his gay son’s marriage to fail. No where did I hear him say he wishes bad luck for his son. As we approach the Thanksgiving holidays my family has to have multiple gatherings because of ill will between family members who are related only by marriage. We wish no ill feelings to the blood relative who made a mistake in their marriage. Its too bad that his kid is a hurt little prima donna but hopefully she will change and forgive her father. His dad’s problem is he probably told this kid the mistakes he was making in life and the kid wouldn’t listen to anything his father said regardless of what it was. I’ll be his dad wouldn’t help him out financially once he got married and that has a lot to do with it.
James
,,,,,:I find it childish of that son not to know enough about his father’s upbringing to noT understand and accept how he feels…..” WHY SHOULD THE SON ACCEPT IT, SO HE CAN WALK AROUND ALL THE TIME VALIDATING HIS FATHER’S HATE. WHAT A STUPID COMMENT.
James
YOU ARE CERTAINLY READING A LOT INTO THE PERSONALITY OF THE SON, ESPECIALLY NEGATIVELY. IF YOU WANT TO BE A PASSIVE PERSON ALLOWING HATE FROM RELATIVES TO CONTROL AND DOMINATE YOUR LIFE THEN DON’T PUSH IT ONTO OTHERS. NO GAY PERSON HAS TO ACCEPT OR BE GUILT TRIPPED BECAUSE THEY DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH HATE FROM FAMILY.
Toofie
Sometimes the damage is irreversible. You’re assuming the Dad’s apology was sincere, when he’s still against his gay son being married to a man. “Sorry you’re upset because I’m against your marriage” isn’t an apology.
Bob LaBlah
@Toofie……”“Sorry you’re upset because I’m against your marriage” isn’t an apology.”
To me it sounds like the father being himself (and I admit I never met him). He is apologizing the best way he could think of that wouldn’t make him lose face and hopefully amend things with what is probably the only son he has. The son was fortunate enough to have come along when people began to notice that gays were present in the population and the decline of them being demonized. As for accepting a “marriage”, not even I can see the validity of a marriage between two men. I am an atheist for the most part but I do accept and respect that part in any church or religious denomination belief that marriage is between a man and a woman who was biologically born a woman. Every now and then a religious nutcase does blurt out something stupid (which reminds me, when was the last time ol’ Pat Robertson had something stupid to proclaim that the gay media found newsworthy?) but for the most part religious hatred for gays in America is nowhere near where it used to be, but it is still present. Four times? When would you say the man has tried hard enough and its time for that son to stop pouting and get over his dads feelings about his marriage? Did you parents like every haircut or every style of dress you chose? What was your reaction when you just KNEW you choice of style belonged on a magazine cover but they and the rest of the family felt otherwise?
Adar Lang Pai
You can’t accept two men getting married? What’s the alternative? Deny reality? Talk about childish. You should be in comment threads for religious cultists with this nonsense. You are utterly worthless to LGBT people and this conversation, just like this guy’s father. Wouldn’t want a relationship with you either. Bye!
garbone100
It hasn’t been that long that in many states it was illegal and punishable by incarceration for a white to marry a person of color. Where in the followers of Jesus Christ beliefs does it say Jesus said that marriage is between a penis and a vagina? He was 33 and unmarried and had a circle of men. Do you need to buy a vowel?
NeilIN72
Hard to believe someone could be this ignorant? How hard is it to understand is that words have consequences, especially with loved ones…’I hope your marriage fails but you better keep talking to me because I’m your Dad’ is what it sounds like he’s saying…talking out both sides of his mouth…wow…
Bob LaBlah
“talking out both sides of his mouth…wow…”
No he isn’t. He is talking like a loving midwesterner who loves his son and doesn’t know how to handle this gay marriage. It was hard enough to realize sixteen years ago that he wasn’t going to have a grandson and a daughter-in-law but to discover that he was going to have a son-in-law that would be married to his son instead was a bit much for the old fella. The majority of you guys must be living in the big cities because its clear you have no idea about midwestern values. People in the midwest no longer stand back away from the pride parades and frown all up anymore but they still can’t get ready for a man marrying a man. Newsflash regarding me; I wasn’t onboard with gay marriage either. I saw it as an invasion of what people had been taught for centuries in just about every religion out there. Man was meant to marry woman and produce children. Lo and behold if….I’ll stop there. Hell, for all I know it the first one might be only months away from delivery.
Cam
@Bob La Blah
You said “No he isn’t. He is talking like a loving midwesterner who loves his son and doesn’t know how to handle this gay marriage.”….
Just stop. He stated to his son he hoped his marriage fails etc…. For you to call that “Loving” shows you have some serious self hate issues.
Bob LaBlah
Cam, keep in mind that neither you nor I have met the son’s spouse. For all we know the dad may have detected they guy was a leach or what we call down here a real “winner” (translation, a loser). You can’t seem to see how in many strait marriages families frown and hope for the dissolution of marriages they know are only going to end in disaster for the loved one. There is another world out there other than the gay world you live in continuously.
Josh447
Josh447
I think it’s paramount that the father realize he and his wife created his son and every aspect thereof. And in that creation, he is the owner of that creation. He biologically created a gay son, thereby needs to own it. If he cannot take responsibility he should never have created his son nor should he have children.
It should be a part of any wedding ceremony to without condition, love and accept children exactly as the bride and groom create them. No withholds. No exceptions. That’s the meaning of unconditional love.
Chipper
Too many people were raised by a certain idea. I look back in the OT and several men had several wives, concubines, and mistresses. So to define marriage. which version. The father needs to comes to terms with his son and son-in-law. Dad might not have that long to live. It will have to be him, and if he really loves his son, he will get over it and apologize to them, and really make an effort to understand. if he accepts his son as gay, and really means it, there is a chance. I hope the father does not take too long. time is not really on his side. But lets face it, some will never change their bigoted ideas. But if he has accepted his son being gay, there is a chance he could change his mind. But I would not bet on it being changed anytime soon. They are loseing time. and once that is gone, its gone.
winemaker
What a stupid question to ask. Really since the old fart stated he ‘hopes the marriage fails’, why should they include this old bastard in their lives? Move on, be happy for yourselves and let the old fart be all alone. Maybe he’ll come around someday when he’s all alone with no family and you can give the guy a dose of his own medicine, sad!
mikel_666
I would not talk to him either. My parents and I didn’t talk for a couple of months when I was asked not to walk in with my partner of 8 years(Now going on 20) at my parents 50th Anniversary (Church/Dinner/Dance). One of my siblings said “That I CHOICE this life”. Which made it even worse. They cried on my answering machine, they constantly called both of you. It even messed up Christmas that year. I told them it’s a party for them. We do not have to attend. Their reason was their “Church Family” would be there in attend. We finally talked, nothing really settled. I walked in Alone(Crying – my entire family knows I’m gay and loves my partner too), my partner sitting at a table with a friend. Unwed Baby Mamas we’re allowed, because they have the Grandkids. It was not a good. Family members asking why my partner was walking by my side. Told them to ask my parents.
It took a couple of years. They saw the errors of their ways. Cried with us and ask for forgiveness. 19 years together my Father as he was Dying, wanted my partner around so he could explain what the Drs were telling him. One surgery he woke up asking for him, not his wife not his kids who were in the room, he wanted him. They use to come stay with us and we would all four have a good time. Love conquers everything, you just have to be willing to open your mind to it. Hope this Dad does it soon
radiooutmike
What kind of monster of a parent wishes his son’s marriage to fail?
Does he even get what that really means? It seems some here don’t get it either. Anyways, whatever, I am tired of older people not willing to be open because, “In my day…” Most of the religious types are all about the family as long as everyone conforms.
MusicBoi74
My father is a retired minister in a very conservative denomination. It took years for my parents to come to terms with my life, and when I got married, they chose not to attend the wedding. They have, however, accepted my husband and told him “You are part of the family now.” While I know they do not agree with everything and all aspects of my being gay, they have done well to put that on the back burner. I hope this guy can learn to do the same.