Sex columnist Dan Savage has countered the notion that all gay men are automatically turned out by flirtation with a straight man. In fact, in his new column, Savage suggests the opposite.
“Cis, married, straight man here,” a reader, identified as “Lusting After Dan” writes. “You’re my gay crush. Given the chance, how would you seduce me? I’ve never had man-sex before, because I really like p*ssy and the way women feel, but I think I could do it for you. You’ve always been my celeb ‘man-pass.’ How can we get this started?”
“I’m just a straight guy writing to a gay guy, asking him to f*ck him,” the reader concludes.
Related: Dan Savage defends straight men trolling gays on Grindr
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Savage, seldom one to suffer fools, blasts the idea.
“Straight guys who make passes at gay men assume,” Savage writes, “we’re all going think, ‘OMG, this is my one chance to sleep with a real man!’ In reality, LAD, what most gay men are thinking when a straight guy hits on us is, ‘Jesus Christ, this dude is gonna sh*t all over my d*ck.'”
“Now, that thought doesn’t stop some gay men from sleeping with straight-identified guys who are bi or gay and closeted, LAD, nor does it stop some gay men from sleeping with the rare straight-but-situationally-heteroflexible guy with a very specific crush on one of us,” Savage concedes. “But it’s always annoying when a straight guy assumes his straightness is an aphrodisiac that drives gay men wild and asks questions like, ‘Given the chance, how would you seduce me?’ That framing assumes I would try, or would want to try, if I had the chance.”
“So,” Savage concludes, “you could say, I’m just a gay guy responding to a straight guy, asking him to get over himself.”
Memo to the flirty straight men of the world: we agree.
Donston
First, everyone but a dumb-ass should know by this point that liking to fvck women doesn’t equate to being “straight”. It doesn’t even equate to having overall hetero leanings. Sexuality, psychology, the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum tend to be more individual or complicated than that. So, folks do need to stop presenting sexual behaviors or talking about liking whatever genitals as proof that they’re “straight” or “gay” or whatever. It doesn’t prove anything. And it’s tacky and demeaning.
Honestly, the question comes off like someone trolling Dan quite. I do agree that using “straight”/non-gay as some sort of kink or some way to come off superior to “gays” or some way to get more male attention, it is incredibly corny and dated. But it’s also something that’s not gonna end any time soon. At least it’s mostly limited to these hookup apps nowadays. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of these questions are bs. (Dan Davage is someone’s only man-crush? Okay).
radiooutmike
True. But the writer, if real, is probably a white cis-heterosexual male.
So, sorry to say, on matters of sexuality, he probably is a dumb-ass.
Donston
More of these dudes do need to understand that having sex with tons of women or liking pvssy does not equate to “straightness”. While sexual behaviors and attractions are not the be-all of sexuality, preferences, love, commitment. There are plenty of guys who mostly use women as sex toys, baby incubators, ego boosts, sociological protection. Yet, they’re sleeping next to their homeboy at night or they simply have overall homo leanings. So, hyping up how much you like whatever body part or how much you enjoy sex with whoever is not nearly the “proof” folks think it is.
There are no limits when it comes to being ignorant about the nature, nuances, individuality of sexuality, psychology and sociology. And there plenty of folks all over the spectrum and who embrace whatever identities that are willing to use their or other people’s identities as a kink or as some display of status or as a way to get attention. It’s no where limited to “cis”, “white”, “straight” males. But ultimately, the question and the way it’s phrased is so perfectly corny, douche-y and porn-like, that it’s likely trolling or it came from the publication itself. And no one is believing Dan Savage as some guy’s singular man-crush.
Caine
No one gives an F about Dan Savage’s opinion.
L
Or yours.
Terry
So maybe not what I’d say of someone who is quite literally paid to give his opinion, has sold books on the strength of this opinions, and whose podcast (magmum edition) actually has people paying for more of his opinion. I’d venure that someone does give an F about Dan Savage’s opinion – with which you’re free to disagree, but saying that no one gives a F about Dan Savage’s opinion is akin to telling a cabbie “no one’s paying you to drive!”
sfcarlos65
I beg to differ, I appreciate and value Dan Savages’s opinion, and I find some of his responses to inquiries, quite funny.
dhmonarch89
Savage has millions of readers- I think a lot of people care about his opinion!
Ganybyte
I literally registered to the site just now to tell you: I do.
Cam
Says the person who read the article and commented.
cobaltT
I do.
Doug
I’ve found this is a current theme with Queerty and it looks like like they’re using the Dan Savage article to revisit it again. Not all of us have this fascination with straight men and are trying to get them into bed… gay men are also “real men.”
Hank31
What professional qualifications did Dan Savage have when he became a “sex columnist” and dispensed advice upon whom many thousands of people have relied? He worked at a video rental store.
cliche guevara
Is there anything you can’t whine about?
wikidBSTN
Why – does one go to college and get a degree to be a “sex columnist”?? Do tell.
Cam
More qualifications than you have to troll here.
Joshooeerr
I do admire Savage’s get-over-yourself response because those straight guys who think it’s fun to flirt with us are truly annoying, and usually pathetic. But let’s be honest here: there are loads of gay guys who fantasise, obsess or actively pursue trysts with straight men. You see them on dating sites with delusional posts about only being interested in straight dudes. And we all know that anyone who answers their post, leads them on, or even actually has sex with them is anything but straight. So while straight guys flirting is annoying and pathetic, it’s nowhere near as pathetic as gay guys chasing straights – which reeks of exactly what Savage hinted at: the notion that they might finally have sex with a “real” man.
MrMichaelJ
Straight guys went the way of the dinosaurs sometime in the early 90s I think.
wikidBSTN
I never understood the attraction to “straight men”. Sure I have been attracted to a few, but it wasn’t because they were straight. Quite the opposite. I usually presumed or hoped they would be gay.
Once I find out someone is straight, even in porn, it’s a total boner killer.
Startrax99
Never? ?
JJinAus
Straight me who flirt are assholes. However, it’s idiotic to think straight men aren’t desirable. After all, we grew up and even now are surrounded by men who are straight. Unless you live in a gay enclave I suppose. I don’t.
Consider This
Oh, I SO want the dude in the green shirt at the start of this article!
Is he straight?
Inspector 57
My biggest problem with Dan Savage is that he writes enough accurate, helpful and affirming stuff that his followers think that *everything* he writes must be valid, including the *really* off-base, judgmental, wrong, and hurtful sh*t he posts
He is untrained and unqualified to write a sex advice column. (Though, to his credit, he does sometimes consult with and quote content experts who know what they’re talking about.) Mr. Savage’s primary objective and skill is to operate a successful, profitable enterprise — in part by writing inflammatory “advice” or observations to keep his name in the press.
I give him a “2” on a 1 – 10 scale of personal integrity.
Cam
Except you can’t provide any examples of what you’re trying to say.
Ronbo
I must be the outlier… because I look at just about every man and *poof* I’m magically transported to a raging sex scene – regardless of orientation. It happens about every 15 seconds regardless of my mood. It must be nice to be perfect.*
Oh… and let’s not limit this to pretty boys. While a ‘styled’ a man isn’t undesirable, I prefer the raw essence of an unpretentious man. If he is ugly as sin, even better for the fantasy.
Let’s not forget that old concept of wanting to marry a woman just like mom. Being gay, I married a man just like Dad. Dad was straight, kind, honest, direct and loving.
*Most of these comments set off my bullshit detector. Gay men are still men.
ryepie2222
I’ve never ever thought that a straight male is going to shit on my dick. That statement is ridiculous.
Donston
It’s ridiculous to say that a decent percentage of queer males don’t have more of a hard-on for “straight presenting” males. While there are definitely some dudes who have no interests in a guy unless he’s “straight” identifying or at least doesn’t claim a “gay” identity. The question nobody really bothers trying to answer is why that is.
Some guys just get off on feeling “subversive” or “transgressive”. And trying to link up with a “straight presenting” guy gives them more of that thrill. For some it’s more about their own gender expressions. They want to feel more like the feminine counterpart, and being with a masculine, “straight presenting” guy allows them to more easily access that. Some guys are of course inherently bi/pan and contend with fluidity and paraphiliacs. They can more easily indulge hetero and bi behaviors if they link up with “straight presenting” guys. Some queers have a lot of internalized phobias, homo inferiority complexes and gay resentments. So, they always have a bias against any non DL, unapologetically queer males. While there are far less guys in the world who are unabashedly into their sex and have overall same-sex preferences and ambitions. So, odds are you will find a “straight presenting” man interesting here and there. However, the “straight guy” obsessed male queers aren’t as abundant as some would lead you to believe. It’s a complicated topic that deserves to be broken down in a way that isn’t as basic as how Dan tends to break shit down.
Sexuality, psychology, sociology, ego, mental health, motivations, the gender, sexual, romantic, emotional investment, commitment spectrum- these are all complicated and individual things. That is what we always have to remember.
Inspector 57
“Except you can’t provide any examples of what you’re trying to say.”
Cam, there’s a difference between “can’t” and “didn’t.”
“…what you’re trying to say.”
“Trying” to say? I think I expressed my thoughts clearly, actually. I did say what I wanted to say.
Chrisk
Inspector 57
Yeah, your thoughts are as clear as mud. Lol
No one knows what the eff you’re talking about. All I know is that you’re a smug douche.
Openminded
Can a real “straight” man have a “celebrity man crush” to the point he inquires how that crush would seduce him?
Donston
The question came off more like trolling than anything else. But there will always be dudes claiming “straight” identities when they don’t fit into the idea of what most people consider “straight”. There’ll always be folks who embrace “gay” when they’re not truly homosexual. They’ll always be people claiming bi/pan pride when they lean significantly on one side. So much of this stuff is about ego, sociology and how you wish to be perceived.
That’s why I focus more on the reality that everyone has their own dimensions when it comes to sexuality. While some people experience degrees of fluidity or contradictions or paraphiliacs. The gender, sexual, romantic, comfort, emotional investment, commitment spectrum is incredibly varied. Ego, insecurities, mental health, sociology and money will always dictate a lot of stuff.
People will always use identities and presented behaviors how they wish. I however will admit that it’s particularly annoying and cringe-y when a guy tries to use being “straight presenting” or being “non gay” as a way to manipulate, to get attention, to troll, to trigger worship and hetero/non-homo superiority, to trigger homo insecurities. And if the question is an authentic one, that’s exactly what he was doing.
Heywood Jablowme
Based solely on looks, a “celebrity man crush” on Dan Savage makes about as much sense to me as having such a crush on “Doug,” the Liberty Mutual pitchman and pal of LiMu the Emu.
Dan often appears on TV and I’m always astonished at how badly he dresses for TV. He always wears a T-shirt that accentuates his huge biceps – okay, that’s nice – but inevitably the shirt also draws attention to his narrow head and makes his head look way too small. He seems to take his fashion advice from Robert Irvine of “Restaurant Impossible.”
Dan’s husband Terry – assuming he actually IS gay! – should put his foot down and do something about Dan’s awful fashion choices. For TV anyway.
And I’m a fan!
ScottOnEarth
I don’t know who Dan Savage is but his response was spot-on.
Tombear
You probably don’t know who Judy Garland is either.