A distressed grandmother has appealed to famed columnist Dear Abby for advice in how to cope with having a transgender grandchild. As always, the ever-reliable Abby wrote exactly what her reader needed to hear.
“My granddaughter just informed me she has decided she would be happier living as a boy, and she has gone so far as to legally change her name,” the grandmother, labeling herself “Grandma in Pain” wrote. “I want to be supportive, but I admit I’m having a lot of trouble accepting it, or at least figuring out how to deal with it.”
“She’s my only grandchild and most likely the only one I’ll ever have,” Grandma in Pain continued. I loved my granddaughter with all my heart, and I don’t know how to shift gears to a grandson. I keep stumbling when I try to use the new name. I would welcome any suggestions you could make, including information about support groups you might know of.”
Related: Dear Abby steps in after nosy sons investigate parent’s same-sex love affair
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Abby replied to the grandmother, reminding her that while gender transition is hard for some family members to accept, it is always hardest for the transgender person.
“Gender reassignment is not something that someone does on a lark,” Abby cautioned. “There are many steps involved, and the journey, while liberating, can be challenging both physically and emotionally. I am sure this is something your grandchild has given much thought to.”
“Yes, coming to terms with it can be as much of a journey for family as it is for the transgender person,” Abby continued, “and it can take time and understanding on all sides. A group called PFLAG can help you through this. It has been mentioned in my column for decades. It has helped countless families to build bridges of understanding between themselves and their lesbian, gay and transgender loved ones. Please don’t wait to contact them. You will find PFLAG at pflag.org.”
Established in 1973, PFLAG aims to help friends and family of LGBTQ people learn to accept queer identity, and how best to offer support to the community. The group also engages in pro-queer activism, with their current objective the banning of conversion therapy aimed at changing sexual orientation or gender identity.
Heywood Jablowme
“Gender reassignment is not something that someone does on a lark… I am sure this is something your grandchild has given much thought to.”
Yeah because kids ALWAYS make wise decisions, especially decisions with lifelong consequences. Would you have the same attitude about, say, a face tattoo?
Why is there no mention at all of the grandchild’s age?: 17? 15? 13? 11? Makes a difference.
Bromancer7
No, it doesn’t you clown. Just like gay kids know they’re gay at an early age, trans kids know they’re trans at an early age. It’s not about making a decision. There is no decision to make. You are what you are. The only decision is whether or not you’re going to be true to yourself or continue living a lie.
And one does not just show up at a doctor’s office out of the blue and ask for hormone treatments. It’s a long journey before anyone gets to that point.
Sit down.
Heywood Jablowme
@bromancer: They MAY have given it a lot of thought. Or they may not.
www. theatlantic. com/ magazine/ archive/2018/07/ when-a-child-says-shes-trans/561749/
inbama
@Bromancer7
Where do you get that “gay kids know at an early age?”
Understanding of sexual orientation generally comes when the hormones and sexual differentiation of the brain kick in at puberty.
Cam
We know that the same right wing troll stole Heywood’s name, so not surprised at the post, but then as usual one of it’s other screenames comes in to support it. This time it’s “@inbama”.
Sweetie, the problem with your trolling is that you don’t seem to know anything about LGBTQ people. No, people don’t just become aware of it after puberty. Tell that to some gay kids who were trying on mommy’s shoes at 3, lesbian kids who got crushes on their 1st grade teacher or trans kids who never felt right.
As I’ve said before, your troll game is boring and obvious.
Heywood Jablowme
Ah yes, Cam/DCguy’s default non sequitur for everything: the “multiple screen names”!
More likely, Cam makes up multiple screen names in a twisted bid for sympathy, a la Jussie Smollett.
Heywood Jablowme
The Atlantic is definitely NOT a right-wing magazine. Anyone can read the article and see how complex this subject is. Of course I wouldn’t expect Cam to read it because it’s, like, really really long.
Cam
@Heywood Jablowme
Aaaaaaaannnnd BOOM!
I KNEW you had stolen that screename. See, Troll, you’ve tried that same attack on my from multiple other screenames. “Monkey1, Roy Ajax, all the way back to BJMcFrisky”.
I LOVE it when you give yourself away.
But thanks for being so bad at trolling. LOL
Heywood Jablowme
???
“Stole” it? How is that even possible?
I realize now how you always get in a bad mood if you don’t get to post the FIRST comment on an article. And then you make up a screen name and tell yourself to “STFU” in a pitiable bid for sympathy. Sweetie, you’re really bad at this.
JAWIWA
The grandchild is grown, idjit. Minors can’t legally chamge their names on their own.
Mister P
There is no mention of gender reassignment surgery by the grandmother either.
Heywood Jablowme
There’s something a little “off” about this letter. Abby may have gotten trolled here.
Phillip
The person may decide not to have it though that shouldn’t stop the grandmother from calling her grandson by his legally changed name. Surgery doesn’t change anything, though ultimately it would. Dysphoria happens in the person’s brain and the grandmother needs to understand there has been a grandson locked up in what she thought was her granddaughter’s body all this time and get used to remembering that. Perhaps with hormonal therapy, it will help.
gevorg
Invitation to a sex club – xmeet.fun
James (controversial2019)
First, grandma, use the correct pronouns. I completely get that if you’ve been calling him “she/her” for X number of years, then when speaking about him you might trip up and use the wrong pronoun. But when you’re writing a letter, and you’re there sitting down writing it, taking your time to say what you want to say, there’s no reason to be using the wrong pronouns.
Secondly, make sure that you tell him you still love him; albeit it might take you time to understand the change. I don’t get from the letter that she no longer loves her grandson, or can’t accept him, just that she’s struggling with the name and to come to terms. So seems she still loves him. So make sure he knows that.
KerryB
I wish they would stop using the phrase ‘gender reassignment’. I think ‘gender confirmation’ would be a more appropriate term.
Kangol2
Short answer: LOVE & ACCEPT THEM as they are and as they will be.
James (controversial2019)
Personally, I knew I was interested in guys when I was around 7. Obviously, at that age (mid 90s) I didn’t know what it meant; I didn’t know it meant I was gay, but I knew I was interested in guys. I had a friend of the same age and had…thoughts…about him. Then when I was 10/11 I would exclusively look at gay porn. So to say people don’t know their sexuality pre-puberty is entirely incorrect. It may be that they don’t understand the meaning behind it or the terminology, but they are certainly capable of knowing what gives them the feels and what doesn’t.
I can’t possibly know what it feels like for a person to feel like their gender is wrong, but I have no qualms believing that they too can know it pre-puberty.
Yes, there are stories where younger people transition and then later in life regret it, but it certainly seems that those occurrences are the minority and not the majority. One can’t argue that just because some were confused when they transitioned young, it means no young person can transition and know it’s right for them.
Phillip
@inbrama
Many children know they are attracted to the same gender before they have reached puberty and those hormones have “kicked in.” I was one of those kids that knew I was attracted to boys (males) when I was prepubescent. I may not have known the technical name for it, but I knew what my feelings certainly were and they were NOT for the opposite sex. So, it doesn’t automatically happen with your brain when your hormones begin to change to mature your sexual organs to turn on their functions.
Some folks become aware of this at a later date for many reasons and others like myself are aware of it at a very young age.
Thad
Abby’s answer is kind and sensible. I approve
James26
“A group called PFLAG can help you through this.”
Uh yeah. Because like every other resource created by LGB people, it has been transjacked and now spends most of its time, energy and resources on transgenderism. I visited PFLAG’s website a few years ago, and on the first page, I was greeted with zero content about gays and lesbians but plenty of posts about chest binders and estrogen pills. It’s horrifying to think that distressed parents of newly out gay kids are going to that website and think that their gay kids want to become women or that their lesbian daughters want to crush their breasts in a binder. Trans activists could create “PFT,” their own version of PFLAG, But why should they do that when they can live off of our dime?
LumpyPillows
T has taken over at HRC also. The tail is wagging the dog for sure. It has everything to do with the new woke liberal movement, and less to do with real-world trans people. It will end in tears for a lot of use when the full backlash hits on the political and social overreach. There are very real issues with helping trans people to receive medical care and job and housing security, which I fully support. Refusing to admit trans women are not the same as a woman will cost us all politically though; there are real diffrences.
Cam
@James26
We get it, you, the right wing troll, since you all haven’t had a ton of luck trying to wedge the Black community and the LGBTQ community are now trying to set up the “T” as separate.
So here’s a question, since same se marriage is legal, gays can adopt, join the military, and many states have made it illegal to fire gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, meanwhile, under Trump trans people were kicked out of the military and have multiple bills trying to attack them, why WOULDN’T the groups be working on those?
They focus on the people being attacked. Since the majority of the right wing bills are attacking the Trans community specifically that would explain that. But by all means, explain what those groups should be doing.
customartist
You do know that PFLAG has actual meetings where everyone, everyone in attendance that is, has an equal opportunity to participate. This is the main function of the organization. If one fails to participate, then one marginalizes one’s self, and only that one can remedy the situation. (No snark intended).
Ronbo
Trans is the ultimate outcrop of consumerism. The body you have doesn’t match exactly what you want. It doesn’t express your uniqueness and you deserve to have everything you want. Me, me and me are the ultimate customer and the customer is always right. Hit the pharmacy, the bodyshop, the stylist and *poof*.
We live in interesting times. Thank God for interesting people.
Cam
1. Please let us know where you got your degree in psychiatry.
2. By all means, explain why there are examples trans people in Native American culture, in the middle ages, hundreds of years ago in India, etc.
Doesn’t fit your narrative.
LumpyPillows
Understanding someone’s choice isn’t part of the deal. It’s their life. You do not have to understand it, you don’t get to tell them what to do. It is freeing in many ways. I still do not understand how a person can know they are a different gender than they are; how would they know that? Still doesn’t matter; it’s their life and their choice. Are they making a mistake? Maybe, it is complicated. Do your best to be supportive.
customartist
@inbama,
I began knowing when I was six. I have heard others say similarly. Not everyones experiences are the same.
Donald Dork
I was getting crushes on boys when I was nine