A Reddit user recently explained that he is worried sometimes about “how sexual gay culture is,” and his observations set off a spirited debate about how we should balance sex and love and whether this is even an exclusively gay issue.
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“I know people love sex and everything, and more power to you, but sometimes I feel boxed in when I’m not really a sexual person,” the original poster wrote. “Like, I don’t have an issue with people being sexual, but it just kinda sucks when interacting with gay guys. It’s a lot about sex when I’m just looking for cuddles. Idk. Does anyone else have this problem?”
That struggle is real for some of the commenters on the post. “I’m concerned about this as well,” one wrote. “A lot of posts on this [subreddit] talk about hookups and topping and bottoming and f*cking on the first date. It’s not really something I want to do.”
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“I feel the same way,” said another. “I guess that the gay community has been all about sex since a real relationship was so stigmatized. I like sex just as much as any other guy, but I’d like to have a normal relationship, too. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has this problem!”
Other commenters, meanwhile, pointed out that it’s not just a gay thing. “I think people in general are very sexual,” one wrote. Another added: “Straight culture is all about sex too. People like to f*ck.”
One self-identified “straight male” chimed in to say, “Straight guys are as sexual if not worse. The only difference is in the other end of a straight relationship is a girl — which we, historically, regard as pure and discreet. We can’t be as straightforward as you guys; at least, ‘chivalry’ or customs demand us to not be.
We talk about girls and sex as often as gay guys talk about their men.”
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But other commenters begged to differ. “The straight people too thing is a bunch of bullsh*t,” wrote one. “Gay culture lives and breathes sex to the point where people won’t even associate with you unless you’re attractive. Most gay men would rather sit on apps tracking down their next hookup than have any sort of meaningful bond with someone.”
One commenter expounded on the matter at great length, advocating for a balance between romantic and sexual connection. “We mustn’t be overly sexual and promiscuous, due to health concerns, but we mustn’t wall ourselves off from a primal desire to love and to lust,” he wrote. “It’s natural. But I think it’s more feasible to have a balance of both.”
He also argued that gay culture has been “undeveloped” in terms of sexuality. “We weren’t allowed to think or to feel or to act in accordance of our natural desire,” he said. “We never had that teenage phase of dating or the first kiss. And understandably, now we’re hypersexual because of the lost time and the mental subjugation by this heteronormative society.”
“I’ve been guilty of this. Yes,” he added. “But I’m well aware that there needs to be a great balance between romanticism and sexuality. Tbh, I’m horny constantly. I’m 22. I suppose that is to be expected but I sure can court a man when given the opportunity. Be there supportively and lovingly. Be there in an intellectual way as a good friend as well. … I think a happy and balanced man can appreciate both sides.”
mujerado
This is one of those questions for which there’s no right answer. “Too sexual” for some is just enough for someone else, and maybe not enough for others. It’s a subjective question, and no, it’s not just a gay thing either. The answer is to talk it out with the person you’re interested in. Come to an agreement if you can, and if you can’t, maybe that’s not the person for you. Sex isn’t shameful. Talk about it!
Wicked Dickie
Of course gay culture is sexual. Just go to any gay pride event. There’s more sucking and f*cking going on in the bushes than at any straight event. Folsom, Fire Island, Providence, Southern Decadence, Market Days. Instagram only celebrates gays with abs. Grindr only celebrates gays with abs. There are still bath houses open in major cities. And that’s just in the US.
wellinmysoul
Not too sexual. Too horny tho!
Josh447
Men on men has just as much ability to flower into love and LTR/marriage as straights. You’re just absent the baby factor and the virgin Mary factor. Hence sex is more easily attainable for gay guys. Big difference.
And it’s quite ok.
If it’s just cuddle and date then a site like Grindr probably isn’t your best bet. Go to a dating site, they do exist.
curiobi
This is a ridiculous question because human culture is sexual full stop! Who really believes there are over 7 billion of us by accident! Is hetero culture too sexual? -See, dumb question. We are sexual as a species, orientation has nothing to do with anything in this case.
David_Big_Big_Dick
this is not a dumb question, this is philosophy
curiobi
I do not think I will be told what is philosophical by a Russian troll bot advertising sex services! I maintain, humans are sexual as a species regardless of orientation.
David_Big_Big_Dick
Want a hot guy with a big and handsome dick?
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
We Gays are very open about enjoying sex and we are able to enjoy a quick hookups without having to go through the whole rituals of attempting to woo a woman…
Straight men and women are just as horny as we are they enjoy sex is just as much as we are but because a woman who admits she is open about enjoying sex and gives it to freely she is labeled a whore
which is why a lot of straight men tend to little curious after couple of drinks and they’re willing to try having sex with a man. A lot of hate and rage directed at Gays by conservatives do jealousy at our ability to if we want have pretty hookups. Multiple surveys have shown that the highest incidence of purchases of porn in hotels come from conventions of right-wing Conservative Republican groups….
Josh447
Not to mention the highest use of porn by any state in America is Mormon drenched Utah.
darkanser
Women also have to contend with the spectre of unwanted pregnancy. That inhibits them a bit!!!
TheMarc
It’s not an unfair question or observation. If you were to look at gay news media alone; you would find among stories/articles focused on relevant topics for the gay community, a ton of sex articles and stories involving heterosexuals or generic sexual info. And no, I’m not referring to closeted heterosexuals or those with some relevance or notoriety within gay culture. Every news story about any sexual oddity or curiosity can be found being reported on and discussed within gay news media. So yes, it does make gay culture appear to be incredibly sex obsessed.
And gay culture tends to sexualize nearly every friendship among two heterosexual males. Nick Jonas and Shawn Mendes, anyone? Not to mention the relentless sexual worship/pursuit of straight men; regardless of whether the subject is open to that sort of attention or not. Conduct we condemn only when it conveniently is committed by someone like James Charles; but ironically ignore literally every other time and commit on a regular basis. Open any gay magazine, attend most any gay event and a staple is hot guys. Hot guys here, hot guys there.
Of course, there should be some expectation of this since the thing the bonds us is our sexual orientation. So yeah, it makes sense that in gay spaces, publications and so on gay sexual references will be abound. But some oversexed behavior is a staple in gay culture and gives the appearance that all gay men are constantly sex obsessed and are jumping from one bed to the next. Of course that’s not true, but most of our films, magazines, sites, etc. don’t do a lot to change that narrative.
enlightenone
You pretty much hit TheMarc!
Josh447
I think when a sexual minority is going through a grand emergence from utter suppression over 10s of years, a microscope is going to be on every aspect of its trek.
Kind of like when religion raises its ugly head like Godzilla coming out of an ocean. That’s a bit what we look like to the masses. We’re just much cuter.
Hello world. We are what we are.
Cam
“”“I feel the same way,” said another. “I guess that the gay community has been all about sex since a real relationship was so stigmatized.””
——————————
You have to love the fact that after fighting for decades including taking cases all the way up to the Supreme Court to legalize marriage that you have someone on here claiming relationships are stigmatized. Sounds like he needs to get different friends or move out of West Hollywood.
witwoud
Cam I believe you’ve misread a very important part of the sentence you’ve quoted: “I guess that the gay community has been all about sex since a real relationship WAS so stigmatized.”
I think it’s perfectly clear the writer the legitimization of gay relationships is relatively new. How this intersects with the our lives moving forward has yet to be seen.
Invader7
Fricking hell NO !!! I say MORE Sex. Celebrate your sexuality… Throw off those shackles of hetero-normative conformity. It pisses off a LOT of breeders they can’t have MORE sex due to cultural /religious/social mores. There still is a lot of antiquated beliefs surrounding sex. Healthy , consenting sex is GREAT for people. Have as much as you can !!!
davidf73
Hetronormativitiy is a made up term that instead of suggesting that we don’t have to follow mainstream sexual morals, is actually about keeping us back in the box we always were. If guys wanna be sluts they can and shouldn’t be judged and perhaps one day those same sluts will return the favor and not judge the guys who don’t wanna be like them. Gay culture has been a hook up judgy sex culture since way before the internet. If you think otherwise you need to research gay community history more
davidf73
Yes gay culture is too sexual. There is nothing wrong with sex and hooking up or exploring your sexuality to test your limits, but let’s not pretend it’s not true that most guys will have periods of many partners. Gay culture overall sustains the hypersexual culture by allowing sexual freedom accepted as an expected norm, also by encouraging a separation of sex and love. That was necessary for survival for past generations now it’s time to evolve. I honestly am frustrated that for all the SJW ‘strawman’ debates on Grindr and scruff that all the discrimination and MH or SA issues not to mention STI’s. Being sex positive is not anti-dating or pro-hoeing around. Imagine if we started accepting that by not allowing some mystery we make sex so impersonal and funny enough it’s the same reason for the obsession with straight guys. That is they are a challenge that if you get there you feel you worked for, coz most gays give it up too easy and end up unhappy.