A Reddit user recently explained that he is worried sometimes about “how sexual gay culture is,” and his observations set off a spirited debate about how we should balance sex and love and whether this is even an exclusively gay issue.
“I know people love sex and everything, and more power to you, but sometimes I feel boxed in when I’m not really a sexual person,” the original poster wrote. “Like, I don’t have an issue with people being sexual, but it just kinda sucks when interacting with gay guys. It’s a lot about sex when I’m just looking for cuddles. Idk. Does anyone else have this problem?”
That struggle is real for some of the commenters on the post. “I’m concerned about this as well,” one wrote. “A lot of posts on this [subreddit] talk about hookups and topping and bottoming and f*cking on the first date. It’s not really something I want to do.”
“I feel the same way,” said another. “I guess that the gay community has been all about sex since a real relationship was so stigmatized. I like sex just as much as any other guy, but I’d like to have a normal relationship, too. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has this problem!”
Other commenters, meanwhile, pointed out that it’s not just a gay thing. “I think people in general are very sexual,” one wrote. Another added: “Straight culture is all about sex too. People like to f*ck.”
One self-identified “straight male” chimed in to say, “Straight guys are as sexual if not worse. The only difference is in the other end of a straight relationship is a girl — which we, historically, regard as pure and discreet. We can’t be as straightforward as you guys; at least, ‘chivalry’ or customs demand us to not be.
We talk about girls and sex as often as gay guys talk about their men.”
But other commenters begged to differ. “The straight people too thing is a bunch of bullsh*t,” wrote one. “Gay culture lives and breathes sex to the point where people won’t even associate with you unless you’re attractive. Most gay men would rather sit on apps tracking down their next hookup than have any sort of meaningful bond with someone.”
One commenter expounded on the matter at great length, advocating for a balance between romantic and sexual connection. “We mustn’t be overly sexual and promiscuous, due to health concerns, but we mustn’t wall ourselves off from a primal desire to love and to lust,” he wrote. “It’s natural. But I think it’s more feasible to have a balance of both.”
He also argued that gay culture has been “undeveloped” in terms of sexuality. “We weren’t allowed to think or to feel or to act in accordance of our natural desire,” he said. “We never had that teenage phase of dating or the first kiss. And understandably, now we’re hypersexual because of the lost time and the mental subjugation by this heteronormative society.”
“I’ve been guilty of this. Yes,” he added. “But I’m well aware that there needs to be a great balance between romanticism and sexuality. Tbh, I’m horny constantly. I’m 22. I suppose that is to be expected but I sure can court a man when given the opportunity. Be there supportively and lovingly. Be there in an intellectual way as a good friend as well. … I think a happy and balanced man can appreciate both sides.”