Some things you just learn with age, and on a recent r/askgaybros Reddit thread, dudes revealed what dating advice they’d tell their younger selves. Their words of wisdom range the gamut from using Grindr to chasing straight guys to cultivating self-confidence and self-worth. Here’s an assortment of the comments posted on the thread so far, edited for readability.
Related: Reddit users share naughty mantras and other ‘gay words to live by’
- “Don’t stay up late on Grindr. It is never worth it.”
- “Don’t be shy. You can totally have him.”
- “Confidence! Cultivate it, fake it, whatever. Stop apologizing for being who you are or where you’re at in life!”
- “Be single for a while and learn who you are. Listen to those gut feelings, and when someone shows you who they are, listen.”
- “Converting straight guys is useless.”
- “Calm down, Cinderella. Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and love is not a fairy tale.”
- “Don’t date closeted men.”
- “Put your efforts into studies, work and social life, and good things will happen eventually. Don’t worry and don’t hurry.”
- “Place yourself first because trying to please others won’t work.”
- “Relax, breathe, and let yourself enjoy the moment.”
- “Don’t be shy! Express yourself! Put yourself first, don’t be a people pleaser, and don’t let yourself fall too hard for him.”
- “Don’t automatically invest everything into a guy when he has yet to show any real interest.”
- “Don’t sell yourself short/take sh*t from anyone. Also don’t try to change yourself just so someone will like you. It’s difficult but be as true to yourself as possible.”
- “Don’t be so afraid of rejection, and put yourself out there. Smile and say hello to anyone you find attractive. No one is ‘out of your league.’”
- “You’re allowed to have standards. Don’t waste your time with very questionable people just because they give you attention.”
- “Don’t overthink things, the vast majority of first dates and hookups aren’t going to lead to anything serious, and that’s OK if you just enjoy them for what they are.”
Reddit: Gay or queer? Redditors sound off on the delineation
What would you tell your younger self? Let us know your heard-earned lessons in the comment section below.
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Tony KONRATH
Stop looking over Mr. Right’s shoulder for Mr. Perfect!
batesmotel
Amen!
Coruna2018
Indeed, Tony!
I’m still learning that lesson!
Jackrabbit
All men suck, and not in a good way. Gay men suck more, not in a good way. If you’re not 6 foot, blue eyed, blond hair, gay man, kill yourself. Save yourself a life time of misery. Become a monk. Gay men don’t do relationships, don’t bother trying. Get a cat.
ShiningSex
You are a total idiot. Do us a favor, get lost.
Heywood Jablowme
Tsk tsk. You seem not to have tried #14: “Don’t be so afraid of rejection, and put yourself out there. Smile and say hello to anyone you find attractive. No one is ‘out of your league.’”
Vince
Heywood Jablowme
I don’t know about that Kumbaya everyone’s in your league bs. If that was true then I’d be making sweet love to pietro boselli right now. Of coarse $ could help in many situations too.
maxdadmark
How sad. Do you have health insurance? Does it cover psychotherapy? You should follow-up quickly, before you end up physically hurting yourself, or worse, someone else.
batesmotel
That’s sadly kind of accurate.
ShiningSex
Also, gay men (all men) need to start wearing condoms again. there’s a lot of barebacking out there and NO ONE is worth that risk. NO ONE. If you think “they look healthy” then you’re too stupid to be having sex.
A lot of the advice in the article is true. Be with someone who actually cares about you and not someone who is looking for a relationship based ONLY on looks. There has to be more to them than that. Stay off Grindr period unless you’re looking for diseases, assault, or empty fun for two seconds.
No, i’m not a bitter queen. I’ve been in a relationship for 15 years and have seen a lot happen to friends and of course my past experiences prior to my relationship is an example.
Also, if you’re a total queen and guys are looking for “straight-acting”. Move on. Who wants someone that superficial?
Brian
Don’t stay in a bad relationship just to be in a relationship. By 6 months you should know if they’re the right one for you. If you’re not sure, they’re not. Move on.
maxdadmark
Good advice.
theafricanwiththemouth
Brian, always dropping words of wisdom!
aaronarnwine
Don’t do meth. Ever.
Chrisk
Yep. Bad relationships are one thing but that shit will f*ck your life up or kill you and yet it’s still very popular in the gay community. It’s not even a matter of “if” it will destroy your life but how much and that hole is very deep. Unfortunately each generation thinks it’s going to be different for them.
Thad
I’m old enough to be giving advice. But I still need to take it! These make sense.
Esscourt
Don’t pay for sex.
Prax07
I’d tell my younger self to never, under any circumstance, ever date any bi guy, no matter how young and hot. And to aim higher with guys, don’t settle just because of low self esteem.
winemaker
Wow, such basic, straightforward and plain ‘ole ‘good advice’ we can all use.. How many of us are lonely ’cause we have low self esteem, don’t have the perfect body despite taking care of themselves, eating right and spending hours breaking their asses in the gym or aren’t that ‘perfect’ guy? You know, one who has that perfect body, smile, good paying job ‘no drama’ etc? Sad to say that there’s so much superficiality and shallowness in the gay community,. The men are either looking for the perfect guy, t(hat really doesn’t exist), and they end up going through life alone, not knowing what they want, when things get tough, they ‘bail’, settle for relationships without affection, respect and mutual love just to be in a relationship ’cause the thought of being alone is scary? Living in San Francisco, the great ‘gay paradise, NOT, it seems difficult to meet quality relationship oriented guys open to new men and experiences to see what might develop despite the abundance of gay men. it’s easier to find quick sex than quality relationships. Instead the men here look for ‘hookups’ that are unsatisfying and leave them alone wondering ‘what went wrong, or is ‘that all there is’? Either you get ‘attitude’, rude disrespectful behavior or when meeting guys, they play games and send out mixed signals and treat you like ‘you’re good for the time being until something better, hotter and younger comes around’. Not to be negative but as we all get older, the games get old and and a waste of time and energy!
iamru2
Never ever date a SJW!
Kangol2
You mean never date a self-loathing right winger who won’t fight for gay and LGBTQ equality!
baal61
Not self’ son’t go to that bar on Castro’ don’t trust people’ there are predator assholes in every walk’ don’t get gang raped at eighteen and infected with GRIDS! AIDS.
Man About Town
Don’t waste one minute of your time with a closeted married man no matter how sincere his promises sound. This of course is obvious today, but it wasn’t when I was young!
Kangol2
Learn to love yourself but not fall in love with an image of yourself; know that looks fade but okindness, decency, humility, openness, and love never go out of style; and never take gay/LGBTQ rights and equality for granted, but fight for them!
Aidanf
Things young gays should know. that I wish I’d known from the start.
Read the book “The Ins and Outs of GaySex,” which should be a primer for gay men. Teaches you the symptoms of various STIs and what the treatments or possible cures are. Many guys are asymptomatic and don’t know they are carrying a disease.
Don’t waste time with homophobic doctors. Talk to friends and get supportive health care providers.
Get vaccinated against Hep A, Hep B, and and HPV.
Oral sex doesn’t prevent all diseases but it’s much safer as far as contracting HIV. Most of my friends probably survived because of oral sex.
If you’re into anal sex the Top position is safer but always use a condom!!
Some of this is common sense but I wish I’d known all of this before playing the field as a young man.
WindsorOntario
No matter where you move to it’s going to be the same 10 guys over and over on the chat apps. Get used to that. You can move to all the big gay cities in the world and it won’t be any different. Gay men are the same anywhere you go; and no, the grass isn’t any greener in (whatever city).
Marriage equality doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to be easier to date or find anyone. Gay guys are still mostly a group that has no interest in relationships, or will lie to you about wanting one and are gone the minute you have sex with them. Don’t trust these people. They for the most part are liars who only care about their immediate gratification before anything else.
batesmotel
Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve and try to make something happen so quickly.