I have a sex fantasy where I’m kidnapped & held captive by masked men. Do I need help?

Hi Jake,

I have a secret and very, very specific sexual fantasy and I’m hoping you can help me discern if there’s something seriously pathologically wrong with me, or if it is more common than I think.

I want to be kidnapped. There! I said it.

I want to be sleeping in my bed, and be suddenly awoken in the middle of a random night to a group of athletic, masked men swarming my bedroom.

I’m picturing about four or five guys, all wearing black face masks, black t-shirts, and black pants. I want them to say very little, but just rip me out of the bed and put a hood over my head, so that I can’t even see what’s happening to me.

Then, I want my arms and legs to be tied up, and maybe some tape put around my mouth, so that I’m truly powerless. From there, I want to be forced out of my apartment and shoved into the back of a van, where I’m lying in the dark while I feel myself being driven to god knows where.

When we arrive at the destination, I want to be led to some sort of cellar, with nothing more than cinderblocks, a door, and maybe a cup of water and a chair. I want my captors to remove my hood and all of my clothes and then do whatever they want to me.

Just to clarify, I’m not talking about sexual assault or rape, as I’d be agreeing to all of this, from the break-in, to the imprisonment, to whatever happens next. All of it.

My captors will keep their masks on, for fear of being exposed, and once they’ve all finished with me, they will replace my hood, lead me back to the van, and return me home, all with very few words spoken.

Phew! Describing that in detail felt weirdly… good? Now that I’ve admitted it, what does all of this mean about me, and what do I do about it?

Nabbed but Naughty

Dear Nabbed but Naughty,

You are certainly not the first person to fantasize about being kidnapped. In fact, there was a trend for a while called “extreme kidnapping” where you could literally hire a service to create high-stakes, simulated kidnap experiences, complete with add-ons like waterboarding, shock treatments, or being bound and gagged.

(Side note: While I don’t know for sure if these services still exist today, I would probably be wary of them, as they might have the potential to be dangerous.)

The important thing here is to decide if you are okay allowing this particular fantasy to remain in the “fantasy-zone”, without necessarily having to experience it in real life. Sometimes imagination alone can provide the escapism we are looking for, while also keeping things completely in our control.

If you feel it’s something you really want or even need to explore, you could consider some light role-play with a trusted partner (or partners), or even set up something more formal. Regardless, as with any S&M role-play experience, you’ll want to do heavy vetting and preparation with those involved, including discussing safe-words, limits and boundaries, and the appropriate setting.

Always keep things safe (consider and minimize all potential risks), sane (make sure everyone involved is in a rational, clear-headed state of mind) and consensual (all activities should be undertaken with full and informed consent of all parties).

You might never fully know why this particular fantasy gets you going. Some people crave the thought of letting go of all agency and being completely submissive, especially if their regular daily lives involve a lot of stressful decisions. Others find they need an extremely heightened sense of stimulation in order to feel pleasure, perhaps due to something they’ve experienced in the past.

No matter the reason, as long as no one is being hurt, try not to pathologize your sexual desires. Even if a bit extreme, we don’t have control over what turns us on, so should we really be hard on ourselves about it?

As Dr. Chris Donaghue, eloquently said when interviewed about why some guys like to be spit on during sex, “Each individual’s eroticism, and what arouses them, has multiple causes coming from a complex set of various sources. Everyone has a different reason for what turns them on.”

As long as you are not putting yourself or others in harm’s way, there is nothing unhealthy about a fantasy. Have fun and practice self-care, or we just might have to file a Missing Persons report.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.