One Reddit user had a simple question for other readers of the r/AskGayMen subreddit this month: Is losing one’s virginity to a casual sex partner a good or bad idea? “Just don’t know if I should wait for a relationship or not,” the user added. “I really don’t know what to do.”
A few commenters suggested sleeping with a friend or at least a good acquaintance. “I would suggest losing your virginity to someone you know and you’re comfortable with,” one wrote. “Not a random hookup. At least a FWB [friend with benefits].”
Another commenter wrote, “I would make sure it’s not some rando but someone you trust and like, even if it’s not [a] romantic partner.”
And a third Reddit user replied to the above comment, adding, “This was going to be my response. It doesn’t have to be your soulmate, but totally random probably isn’t the most recommended way to go about it either.”
Related: What counts as losing your virginity when you’re gay?
Others, however, suggested perhaps holding out for someone special. “If you’re having strong doubt, you should probably wait,” a Reddit user advised. “I know it’s cliché, but you do remember your first time, and it’s better to have fond memories than cheap memories, I think, but there could be an argument made for getting it out of the way and being free of that kind of anxiety.”
Another commenter wrote, “Honestly? I’d wait, but only because I’ve had a lot of friends who were so desperate to not be ‘the virgin gay’ that they rushed into it and felt bad later. However, being in a relationship does not always guarantee a great experience either. Experiment with toys and make sure to take things slow to figure out together what you like with a boyfriend, and don’t rush it if you aren’t ready.”
Related: And the average age when gay people give up their V-card is…
And in the top-voted comment so far, a Redditor said that the experience of losing one’s virginity is “severely overrated” and even mythologized in modern-day society. “Let yourself feel your feelings,” that commenter wrote. “Do you want to feel that dick inside you? Yes? Go for it! No? It’s okay to wait.”
That same commenter told the virgin to find someone who will go at his pace, start slow, and do what feels good. “The central thing I want to tell you is, feel your f*cking feelings,” he added. “Some things will feel good and other things won’t. Some things will feel good with one person and not with another. And don’t wait to lose your virginity to true love, but also don’t necessarily go get f*cked just to get f*cked—experiment and feel those feelings, man!”
That commenter had others swooning. “With this explanation, I would like to lose my virginity with you, lol!” one person wrote.
“Right?” another person chimed in. “I kind of want to get my virginity back just so I could lose it to him.”
do men even have “virginity”?
My thought: Deconstruct the concept of virginity. It need not be a black/white binary, here today and gone tomorrow.
Take time to build up a friend circle of like-minded folks. Go out on a blind or friendly date or three, cutting it short when necessary, grabbing a kiss at the end when it fits. No need to “come out” as a virgin, but mention that you’re open but not heavily experienced. Enjoy your favorite erotica, pick up a toy, play with ideas about what you might like. Spend casual clothed snuggly time with someone. Every contact with a potential partner new to you or not, need not go straight (heh…) to the bedroom including whatever acts by which you define your virginity; you get to decide when the time and person are right.
I had a couple of miserable first dates after coming out; I’d followed the rule about setting up casual coffee dates which could be exited in 20-30 minutes, an option I used.
I also struck up an intermittent, easy-going conversation with a guy with whom we chose a Saturday afternoon of canoeing around a small lake as our first face-to-face. The intentions had been casual, but then stretched to an overnight. Waking up the next morning, we asked each other, “Did our lives just change?” And, it blossomed into an amazing relationship.
So, find your gut instinct. Follow it. Choose people you want to be with for your “firsts”, whatever the chosen reasons. Be open to surprises, no rush required.
good advice here. also, canoeing around a small lake sounds adorable!
re: deconstructing concept of virginity: what do men “lose” when they have sex for the first time? our marriageability? our desirability?
maybe one of the best things about being a gay man is that, while we have plenty of “firsts,” we don’t have to deal with the virgin/not-virgin hetero-patriarchal shit
Unless you weren’t raised traditionally, you have a magic feat to perform, deprogramming your psyche of the “hetero-patriarchal shit” before acting on the ideology driving that characterization and screwing yourself for years to come. The “hetero-patriarchal shit” won us the right to marry our life partners, so it isn’t shit to everyone.
not sure I follow. how did things like the concept of virginity (i.e., a woman is worth more when she has it) lead to gay marriage becoming legal?
Marriage and monogamy are hetero-patriarchal constructs.
(my point in the original post was that VIRGINITY is a hetero-patriarchal concept that does not apply/should not apply to gay men)
but somehow you found a way to argue that virginity was necessary for gay marriage to be legalized? still not sure how you are getting there
also, I really don’t want to get into the weeds with the “are marriage and monogamy” unavoidably patriarchal. but worth entertaining the idea that polygamy (= man gets multiple wives –> more children) is more patriarchal than monogamy?
I was going to rant about virginity being a construct and you did a better job. Humans are sexual beings. That’s where we come from.
Just go for it with whoever you want too. The first time isn’t all that great anyway. You are putting way too much effort into your first time. Just if someone turns you on then go for it.
I think it depends on the guy. I dont think the first time is as important to guys as much as women. I honestly do not remember the first guy. One of two from high school both older both hot but the sex was two virgins with some spit not ideal but hot. Ive had tons of much better sex with strangers and long term lovers. I LOVE sex but I have to say for me SEX with love makes the sex better but it is not necessary. Be happy with your choice
I lost my virginity to a guy I went to college with one night after a party. We were a little drunk and I guess he just wanted to try making out and J.O. ing. We didn’t f**k. Far as I know the guy was straight. I was just realizing I was Bi. We never did anything again or even really talked about it. I told an openly Gay buddy of mine about it and he assured me I had lost my virginity. About a year later I met a closeted Bi guy and we became friends with benefits (discreetly.) Considering what was happening in the LGBT world back then, we were all very lucky. This was over forty years ago.
There’s not a lot of difference between “casual” sex and a relationship, because most relationships begin with casual sex. You may do it a few times before you even exchange last names, but it can evolve into a lasting relationship.
You should always rely on anonymous social media sources for monumental life choices. It’s equivalent to bareback sex with strangers, so I think I already know the answer you were seeking.
have the sex. if you wait for the “right one” you’ll become a bitter old queen who only enjoys Robert and his five brothers.
The first guy I ever hooked up with was a casual hookup. We ended up becoming friends with benefits and are still friends today. We first met/hooked up 11 years ago.
Man About Town
“Do you want to feel that dick inside you? Yes? Go for it! No? It’s okay to wait.”
The top-voted comment was that one? Yet another narrow-minded nitwit who automatically assumes every gay man on the planet is into anal.
I’m a senior citizen and if that’s what losing your virginity means, I guess I’m still a virgin!
There are LOTS of sexual options. It is not anal or nothing – totally agree with you.
My first time was a random pick-up. I was so anxious but so lucky too. The guy was a Cuban and didn’t speak much English but he was also so patient and loving. It was the best time. Unfortunately my second time was a bust. Im laid there and the guy took out a jar of Vaseline. I said. What’s that for as I’m really was that naive, He got very angry and said, I don’t want to be a teacher! Cest la vie!
I was 21 and in a relationship for a year and then went for it, but that wasn’t intentional for virginity sake. I also had plenty of sex before that relationship. I think I was more afraid of how it might hurt that kept me at bay. Then I did it and i shot hands free. Totally amazing. The thought of virginity like a girl might want it? That never even crossed my mind. I don’t think that applies to gay guys as it’s never come up in conversation with gay friends or a focus in the gay community but it might be important for some.