More and more people, particularly millennials, are trading in monogamy for open relationships. But that doesn’t mean they are for everyone. In a new Reddit thread, a man writes about his boyfriend’s recent request to open things up, and the impact it has had on their relationship.
“We were just sitting down on the couch hanging out, then he all of a sudden asked if we could have an open relationship,” the man writes. “I said no.”
Related: Are Millennials Leading Monogamy On A Slow March Towards Death?
He continues: “He says sex with the same person becomes boring and that he can’t ‘eat the same type of food.’ I asked if I was boring, if I’m not giving him something he wants or if I’m doing something wrong. He claims it’s none of those things but I think he’s lying.”
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Ultimately, the guys decided not to open up their relationship (for now), but the man says, “Now I’m worried. I need advice, please help. Sex and love are two different things. He wants to have different dicks, so on and so forth. He’s saying it’s his brain making him think/believe that our sex is boring and that it has nothing to do with me.”
Responding to people’s comments, the man revealed even more details about his relationship, including:
- “He’s wanted to have a threesome before and I said no.”
- “We aren’t sexually compatible. I have a higher sex drive than him and he doesn’t like to do some of the things I like.”
- “He does have more experience and has had more sexual partners than me.”
- “For him, the sex is 1% of our relationship.”
- “He’s a bottom. I’m a top. but he doesn’t like anal that much. My sex drive is higher than his.
Related: Just How Many Gay Men Are In Open Relationships? These New Stats May Surprise You (Or Not)
Now, onto what his fellow Redditers had to say about the situation…
“I think its possibly a sign that you are both looking for different things in your relationships,” one person writes. “If being in an open relationship is not something you want and is something that he wants/needs, chances are you will both be (or at least very well could be) unsatisfied or unfulfilled in your relationship.”
“You want monogamy and he doesn’t,” another person adds. “Sure, he may have agreed with you to not go ahead and open the relationship, but I bet it’s still gonna be in his mind. And, it’s only a matter of time before this starts to put a serious strain on y’all’s relationship.”
“I have to disagree,” someone else writes. “I’ve been with my partner 7 years strong and we do open our relationship up periodically. The key to our success is communication and having respect for each other. Opening up the relationship was not treated as mandatory and we didn’t resort to juvenile analogies, we will be perfectly content being monogamous–opening up the relationship every now and then is a perk which we can indulge in but don’t have to.”
Related: Guys Reveal How They Really Feel About Open Relationships
Another person adds, “I understand its not for everyone, but there are ways to try it out, see what you think, rather than just going flat out and breaking up with him over this. … For both your sakes, keep the communication open about it, don’t ignore each other or shame each other for wanting something outside the norm. Embrace it.”
What are your thoughts on open relationships? And what advice would you give to this dude and his boyfriend? Share your wisdom in the comments section…
RIGay
Then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. If you want to screw around, but your boyfriend does not, then you are not in a place you want to be in. Pack in the tents and call it a day.
Monogamy is quite nice. My husband and I are in a CLOSED relationship. Hitting the 18 year mark. We go to sleep next to each other, wake up next to each other, hold each other, hug, kiss, understand we love each other deeply and occasionally, we even enjoy sex.
Jonathan26
@RIGay: Amen! 19 years next August for us.
JerseyMike
That relationship is over.. Not because of the open relationship.. i know some that work really well. They are in two different places..
Steve10304
I had a boyfriend ask me the same question once…. I don’t think he was ready for my Sicilian Temper fueled response “Give me back my fuc***g keys take one look around this fuc***g apartment and take whatever you walked in here with and GET THE FUC* OUT BEFORE I KICK YOU DOWN THAT FLIGHT OF STAIRS, HOW FUC***G DARE YOU WASTE 3 1/2 YEARS OF MY LIFE!” “NOW GET THE FUC* OUT!”
Wasn’t my best moment and if it happened again, I’d probably not say the F word as many times, but kicking down a flight of steps would still be an option
Steve10304
I had a boyfriend ask me the same question once…. I don’t think he was ready for my Sicilian Temper fueled response “Give me back my fuc***g keys take one look around this fuc***g apartment and take whatever you walked in here with and GET THE FUC* OUT BEFORE I KICK YOU DOWN THAT FLIGHT OF STAIRS, HOW FUC***G DARE YOU WASTE 3 1/2 YEARS OF MY LIFE!” “NOW GET THE FUC* OUT!”
Wasn’t my best moment and if it happened again, I’d probably not say the F word as many times but the flight of steps would still be an option
Hussain-TheCanadian
@RIGay: That is so sweet RI, I’m a big believer in monogamy too.
@Steve10304: Oh fuck I can’t breathe, you just made my day Steve. That is one funny response, I would of reacted the same way.
Steve10304
If you were around to see me act it out in person as I have done for friends… it’s pretty damn funny
BTW him and I are friends now (I’ve remained friends with 4 out of the 5 boyfriends I’ve had in my life. However, I think I’m done after 5. I have dogs now instead…. unconditional love ??
AxelDC
I dated someone who asked me for an open relationship. I reluctantly agreed for a day, and then realized that I didn’t want to be with someone who saw me as dispensable. I said that he could either be with me or not be with me, but not some half-baked relationship. He opted to leave, which I knew was what he really wanted.
I don’t believe that open relationships work. You can try it, it’s your life. For me, however, I want nothing to do with it. I’m in my 7th year of a monogamous relationship, and I’d be devastated if he wanted to see other people. I would never do that to him.
AxelDC
@Steve10304: I don’t think a temper tantrum is the best response, but I can understand how you would feel betrayed. Nothing hurts more than someone you love telling you that he wants to be with someone else. Offering an open relationship is a cheap way of trying to have it both ways.
Steve10304
Oh I assure you, wasn’t a temper tantrum, it was a warning that he better get as far away from me as possible if he wanted to live LOL
dannysax
I would tend to bet that the guy who asked for an open relationship has already been seeing other guys in secret. I just know this from experience. There are ways to make a relationship have more variety. Use toys, leather gear, sexy food, try it outdoors, try role-play. Also, a 3some is a lot easier to do since both partners are there to watch the action. BUT you have to find a guy who likes both of you equally well. Otherwise, a lot of jealousy will occur. So I would suggest some of those things. If nothing works, then it’s time to become merely fuckbuds.
Paco
“He’s a bottom. I’m a top. but he doesn’t like anal that much. My sex drive is higher than his.”
——
Can he really be labeled a bottom if he doesn’t enjoy anal? They seem to be sexually incompatible and probably should move on to other relationships before the cheating happens and makes things worse.
Captain Obvious
Open until you’re replaced. Yuck.
gayand gray
When I turned 21 I found the man of my dreams, everything I wanted. We were together for six months when a guy approached the both of us and wanted to bed us both. I said yes. As long as he came home to me, I did not care who he had sex with, two way or three way. We loved each other, but what was good for him , was also good for me. If we were out and either one of us wanted to trick with another, the other also had the power to say no. So I could trick, he could trick . It was just sex, with out feeling of planning a life together. We lasted ten years, until we broke up do to his use of drugs, and that we grew apart. I never worried about another man taking my place, but could not compete with drugs that made him feel good( With out sex) .
Texan78730
@Steve10304: I can see why he’d want to leave!
Steve10304
Actually he was in shell shock when he saw that side of me… he never ever saw me like that, I’m the sweetest nicest person in the world… just don’t ever hurt anyone I care about or play me for a fool… because…. well… ya read my post….
bushwickfreddy
Move on baby, you and your boyfriend clearly want different things.
frankcar1965
Those of you that say that you are in a monogamous possibly are only monogamous on your end, that is very common. Unless you are with the other one 24/7 365 you do not know if he is going out on you. I myself have laid in several guys beds whose husbands thought that they were not screwing around, but they were, with me! I have no guilt either and the nice husbands pic was even on the dresser too. One time was with a married “straight” guy, if I didn’t get it someone else would, so I hit it hard. Someone is always out of town or busy or something, then I move in and take it. If they did it with me they’re probably doing it with others too. You can tell yourself whatever you want but that does not make it so, I am always waiting to snatch up the leftovers.
dubstepskater94
@Steve10304: Wow!!! Just Wow!!! If my BF screamed at me like that… he wouldn’t have to worry about us having an open relationship, I wouldn’t stay with him (my 1st real relationship I was in a few years ago was with a guy who would scream and threaten/hit me if he didn’t get his way or got mad). I’m not saying that you are abusive but you shouldn’t have reacted that way… I’m currently in an open relationship (with a few rules) with a great guy. He realized that letting me occasionally try new things with other guys was WAY better than me secretly doing it behind his back.
Steve10304
He never got screamed like that from me ever… I’m a very sincere, loving and sweet boyfriend…. I send flowers for no reason…hide little notes around for my BF to find…the words “whatever you want baby” come out of my mouth constantly. I do anything (except bottom) for the guy I love.
dubstepskater94
@frankcar1965: Been there done that…. ?
Neonegro
You should be grateful that the person respects you enough to ask for the open relationship.
Others would simply cheat on you.
SportGuy
Simple, it’s time to end the relationship because obviously the one who asked is not wanting to be in a real manogomous relationship
Brian
There is no such thing as an open relationship. There is unfaithfulness. If you consent to your partner being unfaithful, you are basically dissolving the relationship you have with him.
I get so sick and tired of these promiscuous gay rats who go around thinking the world is their oyster and they can do whatever they please without regard for the feelings of the people they lull into relationships. You’re over, guys.
If you want to be a promiscuous gay rat, go ahead and do it. Just don’t do it on anybody else’s account.
ChuckF
Lack of interest in your partner’s sex is not a gay issue, it’s common in all relationships. Open relationships have to be two-ways, otherwise one partner is carrying the burden. Going along is not a solution, it will only lead to frustration and anger.
Chris
The BF is a bottom, has the lower sex drive, isn’t into anal, and is the one who asked to open the relationship up. Something’s out of whack. I’d say get some couples therapy, with a sex positive gay therapist and try to get to the (ahem) bottom of this. The figure out you next steps.
I’ve met some people where the one with the lower sex drive wants his partner to be open so that he doesn’t have to perform and they can keep their relationship going. And it seems to work for them.
The key is honesty.
alanballs
Every guy is different. Every relationship is different. Honesty, communication, compassion in large doses to keep a relationship going, whether open or closed.
MaxTaste
Run. Run as fast as you can and as far away from this guy as possible. He’s trouble. He’s gonna cheat and probably bring home an STI.
Jack Meoff
If a guy asks for an open relationship and his partner says no he is only going to do it behind his back anyway. The point of asking is only to allay their guilt and take the pressure off.
JJinAus
@Hussain-TheCanadian: I would “of” reacted the same way if my partner of 17 years said “would of” instead of “would have”. It’s not difficult. It’s the little things.
Danny279
@Jack Meoff: Actually the studies on this don’t show that at all. Gay men who discuss this issue openly will rarely secretly break the agreement. Even if there is dissatisfaction, the parties will almost always stick with the arrangement as initially agreed or else end the relationship. But secret cheating is not a thing among those who communicate. It is more of an issue for couples who do not explicitly agree to monogamy.
Sluggo2007
Bad match. Now that he’s brought an open relationship to the table, he’s already made up his mind. If the other guy doesn’t want it, there’s no need to drag this out.
radiooutmike
DTMFA! (advice, direct from Dan Savage)
Sexual compatibility is important in any romantic/intimate relationship. If you can’t get what you need from your partner, and they’re not willing to let you get it from others? What are you supposed to do…?! Be unhappy, but in love?
I had tears of joy in my eyes, when my boyfriend told me I could pursue other sexual partners safely, if I needed to get my gay oats out. Myself, coming from a heterosexual marriage, that just is really unheard of.
Life is to short not to get what you need from it.
f4bles
I’d die if he asked me to open up our relationship.
Matt Achine
@radiooutmike: You’re living the dream!
lauraspencer
Time to break up. If he wants to be with other guys then he should be single and continue to play the field. No need to be in a relationship if you don’t want to be with one partner.
barkomatic
if he asks you to open the relationship, then it means he’s already at the point where it’s not really an “ask”. Sure, you could say no and pretend he’ll accept the answer — but if you’ve got more than a few years experience dating guys you’ll know what happens next.
As for me, I’m fine with it. There are so many Netflix shows to catch up on I could use the extra time.
Daniel
I’ve been in open relationships and not found them especially desirable. The last time it came up I refused and it ended within a month afterward.
Maybe it’s “selfish” that I want a “heteronormative” relationship but so what? I’ve watched my parents have an amazing marriage for 54 years. Why would I look down on that?
Liam
I’ve had two long term relationships: the first ended after 8 and a half years when my partner died, and the second is still on-going at 22+ years; both were open/non-monogamous from their beginnings. I doubt I’d have ever gotten serious with anyone insisting on monogamy.
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