Bi the way

Man explains how sex with other guys has helped improve his performance with the ladies

Lewis Oakley is a proud bisexual man and he’s not apologizing for it.

“I’m not gay, I’m not straight, I’m a bisexual man,” he writes in a new column for Esquire. “I’ve had sex with men, women and long lasting relationships with both. Personally, I have no preference.”

For Oakley, sex, in general, is “amazing,” regardless of who it’s with. Though he admits he gets his best sex tips from other men.

“From personal experience I can tell you why bisexual men rate better between the sheets,” he says. “I know what other men have done that’s impressed me in bed and when I see these awesome moves, I steal them [to use on women].”

“You can’t hope to use your penis right until you’ve been on the receiving end of one.”

Related: Bisexual Men Make The Absolute Best Lovers, Study Confirms

Of course, being bisexual isn’t all about sex, sex, sex. Relationships matter, too. But not everyone is interested in dating a bi guy. Oakley is cool with this, however. He says it’s fine because “it’s actually a great way to trim the fat in the pursuit of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.”

His current girlfriend has no problem with his bisexuality.

“When we first met I had my tongue down a guy’s throat,” he explains. “I knew she was something special and luckily the feeling was mutual. She’s never had an issue with me being bisexual, she’s not insecure and worried that I have ‘double the options to cheat’ on her.”

Perhaps the greatest challenge, Oakley says, is dealing with society’s expectations when it comes to gender roles.

He writes:

When you date both men and women it can be confusing when it comes to being the man. But from dating men I’ve seen what equality really means in a relationship: you play to your talents not your genitals. If you’re better at cooking, you do most of the cooking. If they’re better at picking places to eat, they pick the places to eat. … After dating a guy for two and a half years, going back out on the dating scene was an adjustment when it came to how to treat women. I was so used to things being equal, but despite what they tell you, society still isn’t entirely ready for that when it comes to men and women. Often, women I dated expected me to pay the first time we went out. … There is also this issue of being a ‘protector’ when you’re the man in a straight relationship.

At the end of the day, however, Oakley says he doesn’t need to live up to anyone else’s definition of masculinity.

“Modern society has torn up the rule book when it comes to being a man,” he says. “In this time of transition we have an opportunity to rewrite the rules. As long as we earn money, are respectful of others and can hold a decent conversation, we’re golden.”

Related: Examining the issue of bisexual visibility and erasure in LGBTQ media

 

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31 Comments

  • Donston

    “I’ve had sex with men, women and long lasting relationships with both… “. But are sexually attracted to both men and women? Why do so many bi/fluid/queer-identifying men leave that part out? (Here comes to “you’re bi-phobic” claiming people).

    • Donston

      And before people come at me I’ve read a few things he’s written. He refuses to talk about his attractions, refuses to talk about the social advantages that non-homo identifying people have, comes off as very female worshiping and gay man resenting, has hardly anything to say about homophobia, constantly trolls Jessie J just because she says her bisexual behavior was just a phase, constantly whines about the lack of bi representation.

      Like many of these “out and proud” bi identifying and behavior men with some social media fame he seems to be more driven by ego, wanting to “feel different energies” and wanting romantic and sexual attention from different sources than he seems to be driven by representing what he is inherently. I’m very much a fan of living whatever “lifestyle” you so choose. It’s just a shame that these are consistently the guys who are amped about representing the “bi-guy”.

    • DarkZephyr

      For my part, I just wonder when we will read a story about a bisexual man in a relationship with a man rather than with a woman.

    • Donston

      They had a recent article from a bi-identifying man who is married to a man and who complained about there not being enough bi representation in media. He seemed considered himself bi because he used to have relationships with women and still liked to make-out with them sometimes.

      There are certain patterns of many really proud bi/fluid/queer identifying men that continue to disturb and confound me. Besides narcissism (high degree of self-importance, overblown/convoluted ego, attention-seeking, obsession with individuality), refusing to talk about inherent attractions, the fact that most of the loudest and proudest ones are in opposite gender relationships, the obsession with looking to sexually please different people and be sexually pleased by different people, and showing resentment towards either women or gay men all seem incredibly commonplace. It also seems like many gay men who clearly resent other gay men or are obsessed with female attention would call themselves bi if they weren’t disgusted by women sexually.

      It’s a lil bit of a shame, because my closest LGBTQ male friend is bi-identifying (don’t know if it’s his orientation. You can never truly tell someone’s orientation). And he is not at all like these evasive, narcissistic, pompous, convoluted egos type dudes we frequently hear from. And I’ve spoken to men who don’t seem to be dealing with these things or are driven by these things. But these are the kind “bi guys” people pay attention to and these are the ones most desperate to rep the bi agenda.

    • SumSay

      So phrasing like “long-lasting relationships with both” and “sex with men, women..” are not enough for you to show where his sexual attractions lie? How much more do you actually need to know for him to convince you that he’s an actual bisexual?

  • DarkZephyr

    Nothing against Lewis Oakley, but I sure would love to read a story about a bisexual man who’s in a relationship with a man. In 99% of the stories I read where a bisexual man is the subject of the story, if he’s in a relationship, it’s with a woman. It would be refreshing to read about bisexual men who are in same sex relationships for a change. They do actually exist.

    • Donston

      That’s because most men who realize their sexual attractions lean greatly towards one gender yet is not entirely exclusive towards that gender but who still only want to date the gender where their attraction greatly leans usually don’t feel the need aggressively assert a bi identity. And the minuscule amount of men who are close to 50/50 mostly keep their mouths shut and date women. That leaves gay men who can’t let go of female sexual/romantic attention and hetero-dynamics, straight men who get off on gay sex because of kink, gay men who get off on straight sex because of kink, almost exclusively straight or gay men who won’t allow themselves to settle into their substantial and inherent attractions and men whose identity is entirely driven by ego/megalomania and fetish. Those types of guys represent the majority of men repping the bi flag, particularly the loudest and proudest of the bunch. And majority of those kind of guys are in relationships with women.

      The “bi agenda” needs great sorting out.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @Dark Zephyr: There’s also the factor that a lot of 100% gay guys will happily have casual sex with a self-described bi guy. Some of course even look for that, considering it a turn-on. (Personally I never totally understood that but I realize it’s true for many.)

      But would most 100% gay guys consider having a serious relationship with a bi guy? No.

      Or to put it in “scientific,” “psychological” terms: ew, ick!

    • Donston

      No need for the “ick”. But many gay men do look for relationships with bi-identifying men. They feel, even if the bi-identifying male is effeminate, it brings them closer to hetero-normalcy and makes them feel like they’re with someone who’s “complex”. A lot of gay men can’t stand other gay identifying men. Many guys also get off on knowing that their man can have sex with women. It’s usually a kink thing, a self-hate thing or a way to retain some sense of hetero-normalcy/hetero-dynamics things. Those relationships definitely exist.

      The main complaint I see you from men whose “sexual identities” are bi/fluid/queer/flexible that’s actually exclusive to their identities is that some people don’t think they’re being entirely honest about themselves. Like, that’s it? And then, instead of easing that suspicion by being open they tend to become more evasive and more prone to use pretentious/nonsensical language and more defensive. And of course rarely do these men give a crap about homosexuality. It’s all about promoting their own sense of self. And then they complain that gay men don’t give a crap about them.

      My whole thing has always been unless you’re gonna be 100 about who you are and your motivation it’s best to keep quiet. When you start to use your “identity” for self-promotion and to push your personal agenda but later are revealed to be a fraud or you’re in general incredibly evasive and defensive about who you are- it doesn’t do anyone any good. It just puts your name out there and gets you more followers. If you’re being honest there’s rarely anything to worry about, and you tend to be chill when people want insight. It seems most bi-men who are being real don’t really care about their exclusive bisexuality. It’s these guys bytching on social media and constantly reminding the world of how special they are because of their bisexual identity or behavior that tend to be the ones who are full of it.

    • Herman75

      I was with a group of men, one had a bisexual lover that still enjoyed his fascination with women. It was very interesting to me to hear this gay man and his angst about a lover that couldn’t give up his playtime with women.

      I was a lot younger then and just didn’t get it, how a man could float back and forth. But clearly this man got it. He had to face it all the time. His lover must have been something special to put up with, because this man clearly wanted his lover all to himself.

    • DarkZephyr

      @Heywood Jablowme, while what you say is sometimes true, as I pointed out in my OP, there actually ARE bisexual men in same sex relationships. My fiance is bisexual. We have been together for 4 years and he has no fascination with still having fun with women. He and I are monogamy inclined people and are very happy together and he has never given me any reason to feel threatened by his attraction to women. I would love to read about more couples like us.

    • Donston

      @DarkZephyr

      Does your fiance have a bisexual orientation? Or did he just enjoy sex and/or relationships with women at one time? People continue to confuse bi orientation with bi preferences and continue to wrongly label all DL men as bisexual. The “bi-guy cause” would definitely be helped out by men who are actually in monogamous same-sex relationships being open and direct, and by more men who are willing to say they have real and substantial sexual attraction to both genders and giving details about their instincts.

      The problem with this Oakley dude is the problem with so many of these “loud and proud” bi-guys. He’s defending and hyping his bisexuality while being in a hetero relationship and while being incredibly vague about his sexual attractions. He’s pretentious and pompous, even using the typical bi-trope of being more special and unique than others. He paints gay men as villains, claiming that he’s experienced tons of “bi-phobia” from them and them only. Yet, the only example he’s given is that a few gay dudes have assumed he was also gay over the years. That hardly qualifies as traumatic. So many of these “loud and proud” guys seem to fit on the same boat whether, on an individual basis, the bi identity and behavior is a legit reflection of their orientation or not.

      I’m just not sure what the lot of these aggressive bi-identifying men want, especially ones who are with women. The main agenda seems to be wanting to be wanted by everyone and for people to constantly know they’re not gay.

  • Celtic

    For what it’s worth, I most often am very skeptical about these testimonials. They simply underscore how sexually phobic most Americans are; men more so than women. Anyone who has read Freud (I have) will come to grasp the fact that while binary sex is necessary for procreation, it is not a mandate.

    I had straight sex, briefly, while in college. But I had this nagging yearning that was finally satisfied when I met my first partner. I totally love beautiful women. But I will have sex with beautiful men because I am not sexually attracted sexually to women. The orgasmic rush I get from gay sex has no parallel. I often say I envy the bi-guy because he gets to taste all the candy flavors.

    The American sexuality strait-jacket continues to contaminate and corrupt healthy sexual escapades. We each must be “either/or”, a terribly toxic sexual premise. Dr. Wainwright Churchill, a psychoanalyst and therapist from the 50s-60s, wrote a compendious book on male homosexuality — cross species and cross cultural. As I recall from reading this tome when I was wrestling with my own homosexuality in the late 1960s, Churchill said religion causes the crises in human sexuality. I agree. Whether Judaic, Christian or Islamic, all three “major” religions demonize the homosexual despite the fact we arrive in every family, nation, ethnicity, nationality, religion and culture.

    • Donston

      Your post seems very all over the damn place. But I guess I get your point.

      I’m a gay man who used to enjoy sex and relationships with women but realized that that wasn’t where my inherent attraction lied and I was comfortable loving a man and committing to a man and letting go of female sexual and romantic connections and hetero-normalcy. There are plenty of bi-identifying people who never have sex with multiple genders. Sexual identity and behavior is not always about inherent attraction. And that’s fine.

      However, for the people (well, men at least) whose identity is driven by something other than inherent orientation they tend to explain themselves in a muddled way and tend to present themselves to the world in a self-congratulatory way, often using these labels to hide themselves rather than truly being open. For inherently gay men who take on identities other than homo it mostly seems to be driven by societal pressures, religious guilt, not wanting to be emasculated, feeling isolated from the core of society, the ego stability they get from having relationships and sex and families with women and of course just plain old narcissism/megalomania. And I’m also fine with that. It’s the fact that many of these guys use these labels to hide behind and then cry “bi-phobia” instead of being real. That’s the real issue, and they often don’t seem to get the damage they do to legitimately and inherently bi people.

    • Donston

      I met a man who said he was bi because he only topped. So, the delusion from some and the desperation to retain hetero-normalcy or to indulge certain fetishes is definitely real. Furthermore, it’s virtually impossible to find a bi identifying man in a mono-sexual relationship, particularly with a woman. And a great majority seem to only be dealing with men until they find a woman who will allow them to have sex with guys or until they’re ready to settle down and start a family. It’s these lames who are hurting the “bi cause” not self-accepting homos, who this Lewis guy seems very resentful of.

  • NateOcean

    While there were some delitful exceptions, most the bisexual men I’ve been with weren’t that into it. Mostly they needed to be “serviced” because their wife/girlfriend was “on the rag”, pregnant, of had “outgrown” giving blow jobs.

    A few, however, wanted to suck dick or bottom, because those are things that *couldn’t* do with women.

    I anticipate the poor guy’s plight where is he busy plowing away missionary style, as his wife lays there contemplating what color to paint the ceiling.

  • jamih

    How do you end up like Donston? Where does this neuroticnes come from?

    • Donston

      neuroticnes? I’m assuming that’s a typo. And I don’t know where they come from. I guess I’m “special”.

      I love when people have no real rebuttal so they just say something dismissive/sarcastic. I at least try to engage with people who I feel are absurd.

    • jamih

      Well english is not my language. Just been reading your posts, it just looks like you seem to get triggered pretty much by every gay/bi/queer whatever (male) person who’s out. Just chill, don’t really think there’s much point going for any “rebuttal” of your rants.

    • Donston

      I do tend to be redundant and rant-y. But when I see BS patterns I call it out. That’s for people who “identify” as anything. And if I don’t know someone I tend to ignore article. But I’ve read a few things from this guy over the years including his own rants where he “disconnected” himself from LGBTQ people. He somehow wanted to own being bi but also didn’t want anything to do with homo identifying men or the “gay agenda”. He painted a picture where he had been victimized and belittled by gay men only. And now he’s suddenly trying to “re-connect”, polish up his image for a broad audience and act like a lot of what he said last year never happened.

      And like many bi-identifying men his only cause seems to be “I want people to always acknowledge my bisexuality no matter what relationship I’m in” and “I wish people won’t question who I am”. When those are typically simple inter-personal problems easily solved by basic conversation and not worthy of his emotional meltdowns and rants.

      Seems like pretty standard internalized homophobia and/or obsession with hetero-normalcy and/or narcissism no matter what he is inherently. I call BS and hypocrisy and manipulation out. That’s what I do.

  • lester_lasa

    Awesome yes been to bed with bi men awesome

  • OzJosh

    “I can tell you why bisexual men rate better between the sheets.”

    Oh really? First, you better try justifying that statement. I’ve never heard any gay guy say “Oh, those bi guys are the best sex!”. And my experience of would-be-bi guys sexually is that they’re almost invariably disappointing. A good number are only theoretically bi; they have some kind of attraction, but when it gets down to it they’re not wholly committed. They’ll be all for getting sucked off, but not so keen to return the favour. Or their preference for getting screwed will be more about submission and humiliation than actually being with a guy. I guess these guys might be seen by the women they’re with as more interesting or adventurous between the sheets. But for other guys, not so much. Give me a fully-committed, totally-comfortable-with-men gay guy anytime.

  • Richard 55

    “Bisexual” is a crappy word. I prefer the words “not 100% heterosexual”, especially if men use it. It keeps ’em guessing. A woman does not have the right to know how strongly attracted her man is to the same sex. No right at all.

    All men can be sexual with other men in the right conditions. It’s their right. Women – with their fake sexuality – have no right to control or stigmatize male homosexual desire even if their man shows signs of it.

    Suck it up, sweethearts.

    • Donston

      And here comes the patented misogyny and the opinion that’s slightly different than what he said a few days ago. Is this automated?

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    LOL Donston you need to get a hobby..okay a *different* hobby!!! Your monomania is now bordering on pathological. Who hurt you, darlin?

    • Donston

      I’m cool boo. I got a job, a husband and a couple kids. Got plenty of stuff to fill my day. But I am getting bored of site and some of it’s commentators (not you though). So, I probably will post less often.

    • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

      Oh so you had to drop the “H” bomb! Rub it in why dontcha ; _ ;

      No don’t go! I kinda grudgingly revel in your Rorschach ramblings ;)

      And at leat it’s not Pinknews

  • Tchisonai

    We bisexuals (especially bi men) just can’t win with some people. Have a history of being with both men and women? Then you’re an unreliable and possibly unfaithful partner. Stay in a committed relationship with one person? Not really bi, just gay or straight depending on who we happen to be with. Effeminate or flamboyant man who identifies as bi? Just a self-hating or in-denial gay man. Guy who could pass for straight based on general appearance and behavior? Just a kinky straight man in it for the submissive/humiliation aspect of it.

    Can’t I just be a bi man, one who is currently in a relationship with a woman but who would happily have dated a man if the right man had come along? Why does my whole sexuality need to be excused away as some aberration? I swear, I’ve gotten more acceptance and support from my conservative evangelical parents who came around on LGBT rights only in the last couple of years than i have from some gay men I’ve known. I truly don’t understand why it’s such an affront to some lesbian and gay people that us bisexuals are included in their community.

    No, we’re not straight people pretending to be gay or lesbian, we’re bi people who are bi. I don’t distance myself from the label of “gay” out of homophobia, but because I’m just not gay; it wouldn’t be accurate to call myself something I’m not. I don’t “act straight” in order to pass myself off as something I’m not, but because that’s just who I am and how I act.

    Sometimes it seems as though the only way people would believe me is if I held a threesome with a man and a woman right in front of them, except then I’d probably be accused of just being a greedy slut. Ugh. Bi men shouldn’t need to provide a full sexual resume with references to prove that we’re sufficiently “qualified” to be in the LGBT community.

  • Kenney G

    When it comes to love and sex I tend to stay in my own community, The gay community. Dating a Bi guy would be a complete wast of time and energy.
    Looking back I think of these guys who had girlfriends but wanted to have sex me, They didn’t call themselves Bi and neither did I, Like them I thought they were straight, Until I learn men who love women and like having sex with men were called Bisexual. I don’t believe in sharing a man with some chick, Ain’t nobody got time for that

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