It all started when another gay man told Lee Suckling and his fiancé: “You’re so brave. I can’t imagine why two men would want to get married.”
“It took my husband and I a while to figure out what he meant,” Suckling writes in a recent op-ed titled Why do gay men act like teenagers? published by the New Zealand Herald. “Why wouldn’t two men want to get married?”
We can think of a number of reasons why, but our readers are probably already aware of them.
Suckling continues: “In the lead up to my wedding, I’d started to realize there was a certain adolescence I was letting go of. What I didn’t quite comprehended, until I thought that older gentleman’s comment through, was that such an adolescence isn’t something a lot of gay men want to let of go of.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
What follows next is an assault of outdated stereotypes and generalizations about gay men and their “Peter Pan syndrome.”
“Our culture permits — even encourages — an eternal Peter Pan syndrome whereby we can choose to remain young and free at heart,” Suckling writes. “And we do the best we can to keep our physicality in such a state too.”
He cleverly refers to this “eternal Peter Pan syndrome” as “gaydolescence.”
“For the most part, the gaydolescence comes from being denied a legitimate adolescence in our teenage years,” he theorizes. “The consequence of this is often young gay men don’t partake — and actively distance themselves — from the adolescent experiences of teenage love, sex, even good friendships.”
Maybe for some people. But these days, more and more LGBT youth are coming out at a younger and younger age.
“The fall out effect of this becomes apparent when we accept who we are, at 18, 22, or sometimes 30 or older, and then we become 16 year old boys all over again,” Suckling continues. “Sex drives ramp up. We join a party culture that doesn’t stop for anything. We date around and finally get the sexual education we missed out on (and then some).”
Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. Suckling continues: “It’s obvious that gaydolescence extends to some gay mens’ physical appearance, too.”
They do this, he says, by getting “buffed up” at the gym, paying more attention to their “skincare and hair regimes,” and wearing “hi-tops and tank tops at 38.”
“For some guys, the gaydolescence never really ends,” Sucking writes. “Others might drag it out until their mid-40s when they realize a the benefits of a prolonged adolescence are no longer outweighed by the effort it takes.”
“But for the gay men coupling up and getting married early-ish in life (myself included),” he says, “our gaydolescence isn’t even going to last into our 30s.”
So there you have it, fellas. Lee Suckling is better than you because he decided to get married and stop being a “gaydolescent.” Now you can either follow his lead or grow into one of those tired, old 40-something gay men wearing a tank top at a gay bar on a Saturday night. Your choice.
Related stories:
If You’re Over 40 You Should Stay Out Of Gay Bars, Says Ageist Blogger
Are Hookup Apps Destroying Gay Culture? This Guy Thinks They Perpetuate Stereotypes
Xzamilio
Ugh… typical preachy gay guy who thinks he has an entire culture and community figured out because he looks at everything through his own experiences. Dude… get over yourself. I have no plans to get married, and not because of some “gaydolescence.” It’s because the institution of marriage to me means nothing and would not somehow enhance my relationship, although I do see the benefit of it as gay couples who do have children and want to have their unions recognized by their state and our government should have the same damn rights as our straight counterparts. I do get the point he has, as there are those gym bunnies who are over the hill still trying to cling to some vain concept of the gay life that either eluded them when they were younger or has evaporated with the new crop of pretty boy wonders out there.
But let’s be real: If married people had their shit together, divorce would not be as commonplace as it is, and I’m not just talking the straight couples. Your relationship should be your truth and your experience, not some weapon to wield against individuals you perceive as lonely or pathetic. So Lee Suckling — like the name by the way — good for you that life worked out so well, but your nose is so far in the air, 747’s are trying to land on your forehead. Just because you went dick crazy and reversed cowgirled anything that smiled at you doesn’t mean others of us have or even want to.
Aromaeus
@Xzamilio: Love that last line.
dhmonarch89
sadly- 90% of the 40 year olds want guys under 30, or worse, teenagers!
QJ201
@dhmonarch89: and so many guys under 30 are looking for over 40 dominant daddies
lunchable
Good thing this is an op-ed piece of an op-ed piece because I disagree with you, Graham Gremore, and agree with him.
Alton
Fuck you, Lee Suckling. I love being 50, and I love being single. I don’t dress like a teenager, I don’t go to clubs, and I’m enjoying the hell out of my life.
Just because you can get married now doesn’t make you straight, sweetie. Maybe try coming to terms with the fact that you’re a big old queen instead of looking down on other people who make different choices, and are comfortable with who they are.
Cy
This guy is fooling himself if he thinks this is a gay man’s issue alone. I know so many straight guys (and young women) that fit into the same Peter Pan syndrome, but through my experience, it’s more of an issue of those who don’t want to grow up because it simply means more responsibility and they are usually coddled by their mothers/fathers, girlfriends/boyfriends, bros, etc. and never encouraged to grow up. Often, throwing an unexpected child into their mix can make them grow up pretty fast, but sadly I’ve seen that fail too often as well, especially if they’re lucky enough to have parents that pick up all their slack. Hell, I’ve even met several 40 and 50 year old single men who still like to “play the field” because they’re not ready to settle down. In any case, it’s not a “gay” issue so much as a “human” issue, and that being said, really isn’t anyone else’s business. By the way, my husband just brought up a good issue and asked, “if this is a gay man’s issue, why are there so many female hookers and prostitutes throughout the world?”
Trippy
This is just another example of someone using a personal and limited observation about a few people in his own orbit and then expanding it to create an “Us vs Them” view of the world. This type over-generalization is ridiculous… and meaningless.
It’s also rather telling that Suckling seems to think that being a grown-up means living a lifestyle that has been historically defined as stereotypically heterosexual: spouse, kids, house in the ‘burbs, mortgage, 2 dogs, 1 cat, and white picket fence to frame it and sell it as blissful perfection. Meaning, of course, that any variation on this theme is just, you know, wrong.
Yeah, you go with that. Ugh.
Cam
Also, this is an article out of New Zealand.
NoCagada
@dhmonarch89: Your proof of that is…?
And you think straight men of the same age who leave their wife and family for a younger woman are doing…?
NoCagada
I have worked with mostly straight women my entire working life. Funny…they complain about the same thing about their husbands…who often leave them for younger women later on in life…
level75RDM
@Cy: While you’re not wrong that delaying marriage isn’t exclusively a gay issue, I think you’re being unfair about your reasons why. A lot of people can’t help delaying independence because it’s so much harder to be so now. More people are going back to school because a high school GED just won’t cut it anymore- meanwhile, school is getting more expensive. Not to mention increasing divorce rates make marriage look like a lousy investment.
If gay people could foresee the future, we would’ve fought for ENDA from the beginning rather than marriage equality- not everybody is going to marry, nobody can survive without a job..
@Trippy Ironically, that is a fantasy that primarily straight, white, upper class people promoted as an ideal. Because lower class people could never obtain it, thereby proving their inferiority.
Mykaels
Lots of us either stopped with the “tank top Saturday night club” thing (or in my case, never did it to begin with) and STILL don’t want to get married or co-habitate. Lots of straight men and straight women do not want to as well. It has nothing to do with “growing up”. My boyfriend owns a house, lots of collections and “clutter”; I live in a studio with my minimalist self. No intention of getting married, moving in, etc.
In 2014, we get to define our own happiness, needs, and space. Those that want to marry, marry. Those that don’t, don’t. You get one shot at life, why do something you don’t want to do and be unhappy, just for the sake of “growing up”.
48 year old wants to hit the gym and wear tank tops and try to get 20 year olds, hey: he pays his bills, earns his paper, buys his groceries, who am I to tell him he is not happy and content.
I wonder what is wrong in Lee Suckling’s life to cause him to have to critique other peoples life, rather than enjoying his own.
Thomathy
Really?
Good for Lee Suckling that he and his husband decided to go in for the heteronormative cultural experience. Good for him that he can use his experience as a place from which to judge all unmarried gay men.
It’s so good that he can ignore all the myriad reasons gay men might not get married, all the various kinds of relationships that gay men can have and are in and all the obvious and nuanced ways in which gay men live such different lives.
He’s managed to reduce every unmarried gay man to a gym-bunny club-goer who just doesn’t want to grow up.
It’s a convenient thing to be able to do, to place a stereotype on a diverse group of people who share a common attribute, conservatives do it all the time. Gays can be everything to everyone this way. When gay men aren’t all ‘gaydolescent’ or living an ‘eternal Peter Pan syndrome’, we can all be HIV-ridden heathens or child molesters.
Now, all he has to do is figure out how to stereotype all those unmarried straight people. Maybe Lee Suckling thinks they’re all fag-hags or bisexuals, hanging on to their youth in an endless party scene just to be near all the single gay Adonises in tanks and high-tops?
Or maybe the world is just a bit more complex than Lee Suckling thinks it is? It can be hard to see through such dense internalised homophobia after all.
Cam
@level75RDM: said… “If gay people could foresee the future, we would’ve fought for ENDA from the beginning rather than marriage equality- not everybody is going to marry, nobody can survive without a job..”
_____________________________
The issue isn’t whether everybody is going to marry, or in the case of DADT join the military. It’s the fact that marriage and the military were Federal Laws that said gay people were 2nd class citizens. In other words, even if Congress passed ENDA, a corporation could still bring up DOMA and DADT in court as a reason to discriminate saying that the Federal govt. can’t force them to treat gays equally when they themselves wouldn’t. And if that case went up before the 6th circuit chances are that argument would have worked.
Additionally, HRC was raising 50 million dollars a year, and ENDA has been their one focus for something like 2 decades. It was their focus to the point that they actually tried to get couples to drop their suits for marriage or DADT repeal, AND went on the attack against Dan Choi and Get Equal when they were pushing for Marriage and DADT repeal.
And what has the result been? HRC’s signature issue, after hundreds of millions of dollars spent is still not a reality.
The other issues that they were not supportive of fighting have both been inexpensive victories.
If ENDA passes what can they raise money on? Might explain the 2 decades of no movement.
Ladbrook
@Cam: Which, unfortunately, explains why so many of us stopped donating to HRC so long ago.
onthemark
@Cam: You ask, “If ENDA passes what can they [HRC] raise money on?”
My guess would be a quixotic decades-long attempt to stamp out bullying at all schools while simultaneously opposing any and all public school reform and sucking up to the teachers’ unions?
onthemark
If you click on the link, it’s not QUITE as bad an article as I expected.
The main reason I clicked on it was to see if Queerty had somehow misquoted this line: “What I didn’t quite comprehended” [sic]. I owe you guys at Queerty an apology – apparently they don’t have editors in New Zealand either.
At the end there’s this line: “there are some things I have now – things I never had as a teenager – that I’ll never give up.” This makes me wonder why Suckling didn’t use marriage as an excuse to give up his last name. What’s his husband’s last name, Fuckling?
Trippy
@onthemark: LOL.
VivaViejo
@dhmonarch89: Could you provide a link to the poll/study that provided you with the statistic of 90% of gay men over 40 want men under 30 or worse, teenagers”?
DarkZephyr
@Thomathy: While I don’t agree with Lee for looking down his nose at unmarried gay men, I certainly wouldn’t call one man marrying another man “heteronormative”. Just because he looks down his nose at us doesn’t mean we should look down our noses at same sex marriage itself. I intend to marry my man eventually.
tdh1980
Suckling exemplifies the problem that many of us have with the marriage equality movement. For some it’s not solely about seeking the same rights and protections under the law as our straight counterparts but also ensuring that we all subscribe to heteronormative paradigms in an effort to combat negative perceptions about who we are. It stinks of internalized homophobia.
benandy
I met my now husband in the month I turned 50. he was 45 and soon turned 46. I had been doing aerobics multiple times a week [3] since I was 27 or 28. I still “look younger” than he does, when I shave. He runs and bikes to cope with his carb addiction. I wasn’t gaydolescent classically, but I was trying to be healthy for as long as possible. I came out to my family at 27. He came out at 44 but had a much more restrictive conservative xtian upbringing. Neither of us are BOQ, nor do we particularly understand the bathhouse/bar/disco culture yet we live in LA. This piece helps a bit. Gay bars are dying and dance clubs have become “all skate” as the kids freely mix [Circus Disco is a stone’s throw from us, and I absolutely DO throw like the gay boy I was on a Little League team at 8, ie, not well or far].
I’ve always looked for community and didn’t find it as an adult until I helped make it. I went into a relationship at 25 and when it was over, the plague was upon us. Others made and make other decisions. I have a friend who went on Truvada, not because he sleeps around, but because his husband is an 80’s disco bunny. He’s also a lovely man, just still a teenager in many ways. This is not just a “gay thing”. The Peter Pan Syndrome was not written about GAY men, we just have a larger culture to express it in more openly. Life is different with a partner/husband. It isn’t for everyone. It works for me.
Thomathy
@DarkZephyr: I wouldn’t bandy about the term ‘heteronormative’ for no reason. Perhaps it can be chalked up to internalised homophobia, but for lack of any other information I can’t see a reason not to presume that his experience isn’t all wrapped up in heteronormativity.
Apart from even more cynical interpretations of his op-ed that wander close to internet diagnosis of pathological jealousy, presuming him to have drank deep the Kool-Aid of heteronormative culture isn’t unreasonable.
There’s so many other problematic and telling things he says that reveal, with almost no effort, that Suckling holds some odd (even contradictory) stereotypes about gays and about people in relationships.
Right at the end of his article he mentions how he still cares about his image and body, even though he’s married, and he even hints that he still has a life to live! What? In his experience do all married people just let it out and become codependent slobs with no lives of their own? It’s a weird thing to get defensive about at the end of an article wherein he expounds on ‘gaydolescence’ and carries on a really tired stereotype of gay men.
I don’t, on the whole, think that gay marriage is necessarily heteronormative. People can (and should) build the kinds of relationships that they want to have. If Suckling weren’t so bloody judgmental, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Rather than writing about his positive experience in marriage and enlightening people about another kind of relationship that gay men can have, instead of telling us about why he chose marriage, he’s instead created a stereotype of all unmarried gay men to look down upon. For what other reason would he believe that marriage is the single best option if not because marriage has traditionally been the pinnacle aspiration of straight relationships? And, perhaps more importantly, on what basis does he presume to have the right to question the choices of other gay men?
Oh, right, he has a column in the New Zealand Herald.
Tracy Pope
I’m none of the things Mr. Suckling describes as “gaydolescent” yet I have no desire to ever marry. He sounds like a man fearful of the life change he’s making and lashing out at those who simply don’t care to do the same.
Chris
The main reason I support(ed) gay marriage is because of how many gay friends were being ruined by their gay divorces (i.e., when they split from someone after years of living together) and/or gay widowing (i.e., when their life partners died). I want these protections for my friends who wish to take advantage of them. ….. Adolescence? What in the world does that have to do with anything? That was a time when I was bullied, had zits, was confused, and depended on my parents for everything. ….. Don’t cast on others your own autobiographical neuroses, please.
spiffy
It’s not because we’re teenagers, we gay men are just culturally raised to be uber-judgy about everyone and everything. If not marriage, it’ll be about something else. Check amongst yourselves.
barkomatic
Apparently, according to Suckling if you are over 40 and you aren’t obese than you’re an immature Peter Pan.
callenstewart
So… you’ve stereotyped the stereotype?
There are MANY of us out here who do not fit that mold.
SammySeattle
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSMuDf3u4H4
SteveDenver
Suckding needs to pay attention to his own relationship and leave people alone who are still forging their path. He says a few sensible things, but his self-impressed idiocy is tiring.
Jacob23
lol at the pseudo-intellectual drones who screech “heteronormative!” in response to this piece. What drivel. Simply because something is “heteronormative” doesn’t mean that it is bad and that it can’t be “homonormative” as well. Heterosexuals and homosexuals are all homo sapiens, and thus it stands to reason that some, if not most, norms will be common between them. The question really is whether a particular norm is good or bad. That is what this author is prompting us to consider.
Of course, for a certain group of folks of a certain age, nothing is more galling than being asked to consider their own choices in life. So they wrap themselves up in a cocoon of sarcasm and insults and queer jargon and thus ensure that not a moment of self-introspection will ever darken their day. That’s their choice. But for younger LGBs, we have no problem living a mindful life, being conscious of our choices *and* the consequences of those choices. And we have no problem with being held to defensible moral standards. I highly prefer it to the alternative, which has been to assume that gay people are incapable of anything greater than hedonism and ephemeral dalliances.
Jacob23
PS
To the sneering Graham Gremore: How amusing that you write such a judgmental piece denouncing Suckling for being judgmental. And how fitting that, of all the writers on Queerty, it would be you to object to Suckling’s “gaydolescence” theory. You, the mature, adult author, whose work is worthy of middle school bathroom wall:
“Five Tips To Losing Your Anal Virginity With Aplomb”
“Don’t Be That Gay: The 10 Most Obnoxious Types Of Homosexual Men”
“Back To School: 10 Essential Items Every Gay Guy Must Bring To College”
“10 Fascinating Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About Penises”
Coming next from Mr. Gremore: “Why Everyone Should Love One Direction! Especially Harry!”
vive
““Our culture permits — even encourages — [a Peter Pan syndrome] we can choose to remain young and free at heart,” Suckling writes. “And we do the best we can to keep our physicality in such a state too.””
…and what is wrong with that precisely? So we should just grow up and become old and unfree at heart, and let our bodies go?
You go ahead and become an age-appropriate tired old heap of bones. I’ll plan on leaving my Peter Pan syndrome uncured and keep dancing into my 90s.
charlietex
My bf of 6.5 years left me this week over something that we could have probably gotten past or at least tried to work it out. Maybe if we had been married the extra time and effort it would have taken to walk away would have worked in our favor? I am with this guy.
vive
@charlietex, I am sorry about your breakup, but someone who would leave you over something trivial is not worth being with – being married to him would only have made your problem worse – in addition to discovering that he is a jerk, you would have gotten taken for half your money too.
GeoffreyBridgman
I think this is one of the many situations in which dumb ass people should just refrain from forming intellectual opinions. Referring to the New Zealand article. Maybe everything would be better off if they didn’t try to pretend that they had some sort of understanding of the world. They should concentrate on more attainable goals, such as mundane, day-to-day interactions. And leave the interpretation to people who are more intelligent than themselves.
Bungy32
I’ve been in a relationship with another man for 20 years; we’ve been state-recognized “married” for the last year (“civilly united” for the two years before that). I turn 50 in two months. As I look around my cluttered home, my eclectic closet, our toy animal menagerie, my goofy hat collection, etc. I know that marriage or even a committed partnership did not magically make me “grow up.” I don’t know if I am perpetually Peter Pan gaydolescent or just have a healthy inner child and a partner who shares that quality with me (for better or worse). I do know that marriage is no guarantee of maturity, AND that snarky blind faith that it will be indicates a need for growth. Or maybe just the admonishment, “Get over yourself!”
I also know that marriage equality is not and cannot be about normalizing marriage as the goal for all queer people and their meaningful relationships. There are legitimate concerns with the state-recognized institution of marriage, and there are myriad alternatives to committed, potentially monogamous or otherwise “exclusive” dyadic relationships.
I’ve spent the better part of the last decade advocating for marriage equality and arguing with queerer-than-thou critics of marriage equality that it need not be some assimilationist normalizing of our queer fabulousness. Thank-you, Mr. Suckling, for kindling their concerns. Now if you will pardon me, I’d like to get back to my husband, who is playing with the plastic animal collection (he always hides my favorite per-historic mammals).