New Chat Logs Reveal Bradley Manning Is An Abused, Depressed, Trans-Curious, Queerty Reader

Today published the full instant messenger chats between accused WikiLeaker Bradley Manning and Adrian Lamo, the ex-hacker who turned him in.

Just like we did with Manning’s Facebook page, we’ve combed through the IMs and picked out the queerest bits including and mentions of his depression, the abuse he allegedly suffered at the hands of an alcoholic father, his unhappiness in the army, his associations with Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, a reference to Queerty, and his possible transgender identity.

You may disagree on whether you think Manning’s a patriot or a traitor, but it’s important not to assume that he acted out because of his trans identity or treatment at the hands of the military but at least in large part to a hope that the leak would somehow change US policy.

FYI, this chat begins May 21, 2010 though Wired says that the “logs contained time stamps but no dates.” Also, since we’re only reprinting the parts that have to do with queer issues, we have put ellipses in the gaps that skip over technical details and other non-queer issues.

(1:47:01 PM) bradass87:im an army intelligence analyst, deployed to eastern baghdad, pending discharge for “adjustment disorder” in lieu of “gender identity disorder”…

(10:19:53 AM) [email protected]: You mentioned gender identity, I believe.

(10:19:59 AM) bradass87:ive had an unusual, and very stressful experience over the last decade or so

(10:20:53 AM) bradass87:yes… questioned my gender for several years… sexual orientation was easy to figure out… but i started to come to terms with it during the first few months of my deployment

(10:21:09 AM) [email protected]: May I ask the particulars?

(10:21:34 AM) [email protected]: I’m bi myself, and my ex is MTF.

(10:21:34 AM) bradass87:im fairly open… but careful, so yes..

(10:22:00 AM) bradass87:im aware of your bi part

(10:22:24 AM) bradass87:uhm, trying to keep a low profile for now though, just a warning

(11:22:50 AM) bradass87:uhm… anyway… i guess i can talk a little bit about myself… i mean, i’ve really got nothing to lose [i know, sounds desperate]

(11:23:19 AM) bradass87:i was born in central oklahoma, grew up in a small town called crescent, just north of oklahoma city

(11:23:59 AM) bradass87:dad was a manager of computer programmers at hertz corporation, doing legacy maint., etc

(11:24:41 AM) bradass87:mother was british (specifically welsh), married father while he was stationed at an air force base in southwest wales

(11:25:18 AM) [email protected]: I’m of Scottish & Welsh descent.

(11:25:22 AM) [email protected]: On one side.

(11:27:18 AM) bradass87:i was a short (still am), very intelligent (could read at 3 and multiply / divide by 4), very effeminate, and glued to a computer screen at these young ages [MSDOS / Windows 3.1 timeframe]… i played SimCity [the original] obsessively

(11:27:40 AM) bradass87:an easy target by kindergarten…

(11:28:07 AM) bradass87:grew up in a highly evangelical town with more church pews than people

(11:28:48 AM) bradass87:so, i got pretty messed up at school… “girly boy” “teacher’s pet”, etc

(11:29:57 AM) bradass87:home was the same, alcoholic father and mother… mother was very nice, but very needy emotionally… father was very wealthy (lots of nice toys / computer stuff), but abusive

(11:31:07 AM) bradass87:my favorite things growing up were reading my encyclopaedia, watching PBS (the only channel i could get on my TV) building with lego, and playing on my dad’s hand-me-down computers

(11:31:42 AM) bradass87:i lived in the middle of nowhere, so i had no neighbors to hang out with… and my dad would never take me anyway, because after work he’d hit the bottle

(11:32:58 AM) bradass87:i was a science fair buff… won grand prize in my town 3 years in a row… and played on the “academic bowl team” as team leader (which meant state championship!)

(11:33:46 AM) bradass87:i didnt like getting beat up or called gay [didn’t really know what gay meant, but knew it was something bad]

(11:34:06 AM) bradass87:so i joined sports teams, and started becoming an athlete

(11:34:19 AM) bradass87:around this time (middle school)… my parents divorced

(11:36:34 AM) bradass87:my father in a drunken stupor got angry with me because i was doing some noisy homework while he was watching TV… he went into his bedroom, pulled out a shotgun, and chased me out of the house… the door was deadbolted, so i couldn’t get out before he caught up with me… so my mother (also wasted) threw a lamp over his head… and i proceeded to fight him, breaking his nose, and made it out of the house… my father let off one or two shots, causing damage, but injuring nobody, except for the belt lashing i got for “making him shoot up the house”

(11:36:59 AM) bradass87:i went to school the next day, and my teachers noticed the wounds, and got social workers involved

(11:37:11 AM) bradass87:he immediately stopped drinking, and my mother filed for divorce

(11:37:29 AM) bradass87:after the divorce, my mother attempted suicide…

(11:38:23 AM) bradass87:after taking care of her for awhile, and gaining custody of me, my mother took me to her hometown, haverfordwest, wales… to live and go to school

(11:38:49 AM) bradass87:i spent four years in the UK, continuing my education

(11:39:13 AM) bradass87:i also started playing around more and more with computers, specificially webservers

(11:39:54 AM) bradass87:to try and mitigate various financial problems while going to school, i got the idea with a rather sly friend to form an internet startup…

(11:40:25 AM) bradass87:*/ <- archive (11:40:57 AM) bradass87:we fell out over various issues… and the project was ended, luckily without any losses

(11:41:57 AM) bradass87:i learned a lot about running LAMP servers… sql jazz, routing, as well as the business stuff, PR etc…

(11:42:24 AM) bradass87:after that fell through, my education started to slip behind… as my mother started getting very ill

(11:42:43 AM) bradass87:she had a minor stroke… then a mild one… and i was getting desperate

(11:43:02 AM) bradass87:so i called my father, and begged him to live in the US again

(11:43:19 AM) bradass87:my passport had expired though… so i had to travel overnight to london

(11:44:11 AM) bradass87:i stayed at a hostel in the kings cross area overnight, and left to go to hyde park [where all the embassies are]

(11:45:13 AM) bradass87:what really sucked though, was that as i entered the station… all hell started breaking loose… there was a horrific boom, screaming, sirens, and thick black smoke… it was july 7th 2005…

(11:45:39 AM) bradass87:i panicked and went by foot, not knowing what was going on

(11:45:47 AM) [email protected]: sorry for latency … things demanding my attention are exceeding my capacity to allocate resources, forcing me to double-book mentally, and that only scales so far.

(11:46:04 AM) bradass87:its ok, im just venting a lot

(11:47:28 AM) bradass87:im very isolated atm… lost all of my emotional support channels… family, boyfriend, trusting colleagues… im a mess

(11:49:02 AM) bradass87:im in the desert, with a bunch of hyper-masculine trigger happy ignorant rednecks as neighbors… and the only safe place i seem to have is this satellite internet connection

(11:49:51 AM) bradass87:and i already got myself into minor trouble, revealing my uncertainty over my gender identity… which is causing me to lose this job… and putting me in an awkward limbo

(11:50:54 AM) bradass87:i wish it were as simple as “hey, go transition”… but i need to get paperwork sorted… financial stuff sorted… legal stuff… and im still deployed, so i have to redeploy back to the US and be outprocessed

(11:52:09 AM) bradass87:i could be hanging out here in limbo as a super-intelligent, awkwardly effeminate supply guy [pick up these boxes and move them] for up to two months

(11:52:23 AM) bradass87:at the very least, i managed to keep my security clearance [so far]

(11:57:49 AM) bradass87:im sorry, im a total mess right now… :’(

(11:58:33 AM) bradass87:and little does anyone know, but among this “visible” mess, theres the mess i created that no-one knows about yet

(11:58:59 AM) bradass87:i have no idea what im doing right now

(12:00:34 PM) bradass87:im so sorry

(12:04:36 PM) [email protected]: don’t be sorry, just give me a chance to read :P

(12:31:09 PM) [email protected]: (12:26:09 PM) bradass87:lets just say *someone* i know intimately well, has been penetrating US classified networks, mining data like the ones described… and been transferring that data from the classified networks over the “air gap” onto a commercial network computer… sorting the data, compressing it, encrypting it, and uploading it to a crazy white haired aussie who can’t seem to stay in one country very long =L

(12:27:13 PM) bradass87:im here

(12:27:24 PM) [email protected]: Depends. What are the particulars?

(12:31:43 PM) bradass87:crazy white haired dude = Julian Assange

(12:33:05 PM) bradass87:in other words… ive made a huge mess :’(

(12:35:17 PM) bradass87:im sorry… im just emotionally fractured

(12:39:12 PM) bradass87:im a total mess

(12:41:54 PM) bradass87:i think im in more potential heat than you ever were

(12:41:54 PM) [email protected] : I have more messages than resources allocatable to action them. Please be very patient.

(12:45:59 PM) [email protected]: not mandatorily

(12:46:08 PM) [email protected]: there are always outs

(12:46:17 PM) [email protected]: how long have you helped WIkileaks?

(12:49:09 PM) bradass87:since they released the 9/11 “pager messages”

(12:49:38 PM) bradass87:i immediately recognized that they were from an NSA database, and i felt comfortable enough to come forward

(12:50:20 PM) bradass87:so… right after thanksgiving timeframe of 2009

(12:52:33 PM) bradass87:Hilary Clinton, and several thousand diplomats around the world are going to have a heart attack when they wake up one morning, and finds an entire repository of classified foreign policy is available, in searchable format to the public… =L

(12:53:41 PM) bradass87:s/Hilary/Hillary

(12:54:47 PM) [email protected]: What sort of content?

(12:56:36 PM) [email protected]: brb cigarette

(12:56:43 PM) [email protected]: keep typing <3 (12:59:41 PM) bradass87:uhm… crazy, almost criminal political backdealings… the non-PR-versions of world events and crises… uhm… all kinds of stuff like everything from the buildup to the Iraq War during Powell, to what the actual content of “aid packages” is: for instance, PR that the US is sending aid to pakistan includes funding for water/food/clothing… that much is true, it includes that, but the other 85% of it is for F-16 fighters and munitions to aid in the Afghanistan effort, so the US can call in Pakistanis to do aerial bombing instead of americans potentially killing civilians and creating a PR crisis

(1:00:57 PM) bradass87:theres so much… it affects everybody on earth… everywhere there’s a US post… there’s a diplomatic scandal that will be revealed… Iceland, the Vatican, Spain, Brazil, Madascar, if its a country, and its recognized by the US as a country, its got dirt on it

(1:01:27 PM) bradass87:i need one myself

(1:10:38 PM) bradass87:its open diplomacy… world-wide anarchy in CSV format… its Climategate with a global scope, and breathtaking depth… its beautiful, and horrifying…

(1:10:38 PM) [email protected] : I have more messages than resources allocatable to action them. Please be very patient.

(1:11:54 PM) bradass87:and… its important that it gets out… i feel, for some bizarre reason

(1:12:02 PM) bradass87:it might actually change something

(1:13:10 PM) bradass87:i just… dont wish to be a part of it… at least not now… im not ready… i wouldn’t mind going to prison for the rest of my life, or being executed so much, if it wasn’t for the possibility of having pictures of me… plastered all over the world press… as boy…

(1:14:11 PM) bradass87:i’ve totally lost my mind… i make no sense… the CPU is not made for this motherboard…

(1:14:42 PM) bradass87:s/as boy/as a boy

(1:30:32 PM) bradass87:>sigh< (1:31:40 PM) bradass87:i just wanted enough time to figure myself out… to be myself… and be running around all the time, trying to meet someone else’s expectations

(1:32:01 PM) bradass87:*and not be

(1:33:03 PM) bradass87:im just kind of drifting now…

(1:34:11 PM) bradass87:waiting to redeploy to the US, be discharged… and figure out how on earth im going to transition

(1:34:45 PM) bradass87:all while witnessing the world freak out as its most intimate secrets are revealed

(1:35:06 PM) bradass87:its such an awkward place to be in, emotionally and psychologically

(1:35:06 PM) [email protected] : I have more messages than resources allocatable to action them. Please be very patient.

(1:39:03 PM) bradass87:i cant believe what im confessing to you :’(

(1:40:20 PM) bradass87:ive been so isolated so long… i just wanted to be nice, and live a normal life… but events kept forcing me to figure out ways to survive… smart enough to know whats going on, but helpless to do anything… no-one took any notice of me

(1:40:43 PM) bradass87::’(

(1:43:51 PM) [email protected]: back

(1:43:59 PM) bradass87:im self medicating like crazy when im not toiling in the supply office (my new location, since im being discharged, im not offically intel anymore)

(1:44:11 PM) bradass87:you missed a lot…

(1:45:00 PM) [email protected]: what kind of scandal?

(1:45:16 PM) bradass87:hundreds of them

(1:45:40 PM) [email protected]: like what? I’m genuinely curious about details.

(1:46:01 PM) bradass87:i dont know… theres so many… i dont have the original material anymore

(1:46:18 PM) bradass87:uhmm… the Holy See and its position on the Vatican sex scandals

(1:46:26 PM) [email protected]: play it by ear

(1:46:29 PM) bradass87:the broiling one in Germany

(1:47:36 PM) bradass87:im sorry, there’s so many… its impossible for any one human to read all quarter-million… and not feel overwhelmed… and possibly desensitized

(1:48:20 PM) bradass87:the scope is so broad… and yet the depth so rich

(1:48:50 PM) [email protected]: give me some bona fides … yanno? any specifics.

(1:49:40 PM) bradass87:this one was a test: Classified cable from US Embassy Reykjavik on Icesave dated 13 Jan 2010

(1:50:30 PM) bradass87:the result of that one was that the icelandic ambassador to the US was recalled, and fired

(1:51:02 PM) bradass87:thats just one cable…

(1:51:14 PM) [email protected]: Anything unreleased?

(1:51:25 PM) bradass87:i’d have to ask assange

(1:51:53 PM) bradass87:i zerofilled the original

(1:51:54 PM) [email protected]: why do you answer to him?

(1:52:29 PM) bradass87:i dont… i just want the material out there… i dont want to be a part of it

(1:52:54 PM) [email protected]: i’ve been considering helping wikileaks with opsec

(1:53:13 PM) bradass87:they have decent opsec… im obviously violating it

(1:53:34 PM) bradass87:im a wreck

(1:53:47 PM) bradass87:im a total fucking wreck right now

(1:54:04 PM) [email protected]: not really. 2600 is an ally of wikileaks.

(1:54:10 PM) [email protected]: how old are you?

(1:54:15 PM) bradass87:22

(1:54:55 PM) bradass87:but im not a source for you… im talking to you as someone who needs moral and emotional fucking support

(1:55:02 PM) bradass87::’(

(1:55:10 PM) [email protected]: i told you, none of this is for print

(1:55:16 PM) bradass87:ok, ok

(1:55:19 PM) [email protected]: i want to know who i’m supporting

(1:55:25 PM) [email protected]: no names as yet

(1:55:26 PM) bradass87:im flipping out…

(1:55:32 PM) [email protected]: security.

(1:55:43 PM) bradass87:huh?

(1:55:51 PM) [email protected]: re. no names as yet.

(1:55:56 PM) [email protected]: except brad, i assume.

(1:56:23 PM) bradass87:ive already sent you full name in emails…

(1:56:43 PM) [email protected]: oh! you’re the PGP guy

(1:56:52 PM) bradass87:yeah, im sorry

(1:56:57 PM) [email protected]: i’m an idiot

(1:57:33 PM) bradass87:im pretty reckless at this point

(1:57:53 PM) bradass87:but im trying not to end up with 5.56mm rounds in my forehead…

(1:58:38 PM) bradass87:that i fired..

(2:00:18 PM) bradass87:im not lying when i say im totally out of it right now

(2:01:02 PM) bradass87:ok, so… im not suicidal quite yet…

(2:01:14 PM) bradass87:but im pretty desperate for some non-isolation

(2:02:34 PM) bradass87:idk anymore

(2:04:29 PM) bradass87:im a source, not quite a volunteer

(2:05:38 PM) bradass87:i mean, im a high profile source… and i’ve developed a relationship with assange… but i dont know much more than what he tells me, which is very little

(2:05:58 PM) bradass87:it took me four months to confirm that the person i was communicating was in fact assange

(2:10:01 PM) [email protected]: how’d you do that?

(2:12:45 PM) bradass87:I gathered more info when i questioned him whenever he was being tailed in Sweden by State Department officials… i was trying to figure out who was following him… and why… and he was telling me stories of other times he’s been followed… and they matched up with the ones he’s said publicly

(2:19:37 PM) bradass87:i can’t believe what im telling you =L

(2:19:50 PM) bradass87:ive had too many chinks in my armor :’(

(2:20:52 PM) bradass87:im a broken soul =L

(2:21:22 PM) bradass87:i need to go eat, ill brb

(2:21:26 PM) [email protected]: *hug*

(2:21:39 PM) bradass87:thank you :’( it means a lot

(2:54:21 PM) bradass87:im sorry

(2:54:21 PM) [email protected] : I have more messages than resources allocatable to action them. Please be very patient.

(2:55:00 PM) bradass87:im just… ugh

(2:56:34 PM) bradass87:my family is non-supportive… my boyfriend ditched me without telling me… im losing my job… losing my career options… i dont have much more except for this laptop, some books, and a hell of a story

(2:57:25 PM) bradass87:…im honestly, scared

(2:57:32 PM) bradass87:and i have no-one i trust

(2:58:21 PM) bradass87:i need a lot of help…

(2:58:48 PM) bradass87:i dont know if i can rebuild from here…

(3:00:43 PM) [email protected]: you can always rebuild.

(3:01:03 PM) bradass87:yes, but i cant KEEP rebuilding all the damn time… im exhausted

(3:01:26 PM) bradass87:i didnt get into my bout with homelessness across the country in ‘06

(3:01:45 PM) bradass87:i drifted from oklahoma city, to tulsa, to chicago, and finally landed at my aunt’s house in DC

(3:02:29 PM) bradass87:im exhausted… in desperation to get somewhere in life… i joined the army… and that’s proven to be a disaster now

(3:02:49 PM) bradass87:i’ve done a lot of random stuff, that no-one knows about…

(3:03:09 PM) bradass87:its just such a disconnect between myself, and what i know… and what people see

(3:04:57 PM) bradass87:and now i’m quite possibly on the verge of being the most notorious “hacktivist” or whatever you want to call it… its all a big mess i’ve created… im sorry, adrian…

(3:05:51 PM) bradass87:im pouring my heart out to someone i’ve never met, and i dont exactly have a lot of proof of anything

(3:05:59 PM) bradass87:im shattered

(3:06:47 PM) bradass87:im so exhausted :’(

(3:07:10 PM) bradass87:im a real downer…

(3:11:13 PM) [email protected]: no apologies needed

(3:12:00 PM) bradass87:>gulp< (3:12:34 PM) bradass87:i wish i could explain the pain

(3:12:39 PM) [email protected]: are you on Facebook?

(3:12:56 PM) [email protected]: As an aside, are you concerned about prosecution?

(3:13:02 PM) bradass87:sort of… you cant find me

(3:18:59 PM) [email protected]: remember, finding stuff is what I do. and curiosity is my game.

(3:19:08 PM) bradass87:i know

(3:19:23 PM) [email protected]: including your personal ad from 3 years ago.

(3:19:32 PM) bradass87:which one?

(3:19:50 PM) [email protected]: i closed the window; it wasn’t relevant

(3:20:13 PM) bradass87:oh… via bradass87… i dont know how that one got set up…

(3:20:14 PM) [email protected]: sadly, it lacked a photo

(3:20:33 PM) bradass87:its from some kind of weird fetish site…

(3:20:37 PM) bradass87:they wouldn’t let me delete it

(3:21:07 PM) bradass87:im pretty ghostly… interwebbies-wise

(3:28:10 PM) [email protected]: you’re kinda cute.

(3:36:07 PM) [email protected]: You already have my most permissive privacy settings.

(3:36:26 PM) bradass87:you can see all of my albums?

(3:38:39 PM) bradass87:we have two mutual friends, how interesting

(3:40:08 PM) bradass87:small world

(3:41:39 PM) bradass87:>sigh< (3:41:51 PM) bradass87:lauren your “ex” ?

(3:42:15 PM) bradass87:tyler watkins would be mine… fucking ditched me

(3:42:30 PM) bradass87:im still utterly flabberghasted

(3:43:13 PM) bradass87:i dont know… i cant seem to hold a relationship… i’ve got so much baggage

(3:45:04 PM) bradass87:im all mixed up

(3:46:14 PM) bradass87:lost a lot… in a short period of time

(3:48:20 PM) bradass87:im a mess, huh

(3:49:41 PM) [email protected]: i’m familiar with loss

(3:49:52 PM) [email protected]: lauren’s in AZ

(10:12:57 AM) [email protected]: are you baptist by any chance?

(10:13:34 AM) bradass87:raised catholic… never believed a word of it

(10:13:59 AM) bradass87:im godless… i guess i follow humanist values though

(10:14:15 AM) bradass87:have custom dogtags that say “Humanist”

(10:15:19 AM) bradass87:always been too intellectual, if not just plain queer, for religion

(10:15:48 AM) bradass87:why?

(10:17:15 AM) [email protected]: regional religions in the U.S. – incorrect hunch

(10:17:34 AM) bradass87:i suffered out there

(10:17:56 AM) bradass87:i was the only non-religous person in town

(10:18:17 AM) bradass87:more pews than people…

(10:18:37 AM) bradass87:i understand them though

(10:18:53 AM) bradass87:im not mean to them… they *really* don’t know

(10:19:39 AM) bradass87:i politely disagree… but they are the ones who get uncomfortable when i make, very politely, good leading points…

(10:20:48 AM) bradass87:(by leading points, i mean ask multiple questions, with obvious answers, then ask a question based on the answers from the previous questions that challenges their normal response to the same question)

(10:21:26 AM) bradass87:[excellent example of this:]

(10:28:21 AM) bradass87:new yorker is running 10k word article on on 30 may, btw

(11:31:13 AM) bradass87:i dont know what im going to do now… =L

(11:31:13 AM) bradass87:well, wait… obviously

(11:31:17 AM) bradass87:i guess i could start electrolysis as soon im back in the states… even before im outprocessed

(11:36:12 AM) bradass87:still gonna be weird watching the world change on the macro scale, while my life changes on the micro

(11:36:12 AM) [email protected] : I have more messages than resources allocatable to action them. Please be very patient.

(11:36:12 AM) bradass87:never been good at the micro

(01:58:40 PM) bradass87:hi

(02:00:30 PM) [email protected]: hey

(02:00:37 PM) [email protected]: just woke up from a nap

(02:00:42 PM) bradass87::)

(02:00:58 PM) [email protected]: feel hung over, without any alcohol to blame for it

(02:01:10 PM) [email protected]: how’s stuff?

(02:01:14 PM) bradass87:haven’t had any alcohol since September

(02:01:24 PM) [email protected]: i don’t usually drink

(02:01:28 PM) bradass87:nor do i

(02:01:52 PM) bradass87:but i had a few drinks in September, since i knew i wasn’t going to have any for awhile

(02:02:05 PM) [email protected]: good enough reason.

(02:02:12 PM) bradass87:uhm, i was reduced in rank today

(02:03:23 PM) [email protected]: to what?

(02:03:27 PM) bradass87:received a “Company Grade Article 15? — a formality (they only reduced me in grade, and aren’t making me do “extra duty”) since they needed to punish me in some way

(02:03:36 PM) bradass87:PFC

(02:04:59 PM) bradass87:i punched a colleague in the face during an argument… (something I NEVER DO…!?) its whats sparked this whole saga

(02:06:24 PM) [email protected]: did they have it oming?

(02:06:33 PM) bradass87:yes

(02:06:44 PM) bradass87:as a result, i was referred (forced) to behavioral health… to evaluate me… as a result, my commander had access to all of my mental health files… ergo how they found out about my cross-dressing history, discomfort with my role in society, and the environment i’ve placed myself in

(02:07:03 PM) bradass87:it was a minor incident… but it brought attention to me

(02:07:46 PM) bradass87:the person kind of deserved it… but kind of didn’t… it wasn’t worth this mess at all

(02:08:14 PM) bradass87:(had a lot of high fives and “Go Mannings!”)

(02:08:31 PM) bradass87:not proud of it at all

(02:08:38 PM) [email protected]: These things happen.

(02:08:41 PM) bradass87:and very surprised

(02:08:52 PM) bradass87:im not a violent person

(02:09:05 PM) bradass87:(odd to hear from someone in the Army?)

(02:09:13 PM) [email protected]: neither am i. but i’ll be violent if i have to.

(02:09:58 PM) [email protected]: most people in the Army aren’t in specialties that involve directly servicing targets.

(02:10:14 PM) bradass87:im glad you realize that

(02:10:27 PM) bradass87:(forgot you dated a CI guy)

(02:11:16 PM) [email protected]: I make it my business to know as much as I can about relevant topics.

(02:11:43 PM) bradass87:indeed, a heavy curiosity

(02:11:51 PM) bradass87:find much more about me?

(02:12:13 PM) [email protected]: Only by talking to you :)

(02:12:27 PM) [email protected]: it’d be rude to deep search you.

(02:12:45 PM) bradass87:its something im used to

(02:12:58 PM) bradass87:i barely exist…

(02:13:07 PM) bradass87:because i anticipate interest

(02:13:15 PM) [email protected]: words and actions say more than records on paper

(02:13:29 PM) bradass87:>nod< know this all too well (02:13:54 PM) bradass87:gathering as many documents as possible re: my career

(02:14:12 PM) bradass87:trying to control the narrative

(03:03:38 PM) bradass87:iono, im not so paranoid… ive seen the way the system works, and the way the public reacts, and the way the PR people react… ive never felt threatened

(03:06:10 PM) bradass87:i dont know whats wrong with me…

(03:07:01 PM) bradass87:i just… couldnt let these things stay inside of the system… and inside of my head…

(03:07:26 PM) bradass87:i recognized the value of some things…

(03:07:33 PM) bradass87:knew what they meant… dug deeper

(03:07:53 PM) bradass87:i watched that video cold, for instance

(03:10:32 PM) bradass87:at first glance… it was just a bunch of guys getting shot up by a helicopter… no big deal… about two dozen more where that came from right… but something struck me as odd with the van thing… and also the fact it was being stored in a JAG officer’s directory… so i looked into it… eventually tracked down the date, and then the exact GPS co-ord… and i was like… ok, so thats what happened… cool… then i went to the regular internet… and it was still on my mind… so i typed into goog… the date, and the location… and then i see this

(03:11:07 PM) bradass87:i kept that in my mind for weeks… probably a month and a half… before i forwarded it to them

(03:11:54 PM) bradass87:then there was the Finkel book

(03:12:16 PM) bradass87:im almost certain he had a copy

(03:12:16 PM) [email protected] : I’m not here right now

(03:13:31 PM) bradass87:it was unreal… i mean, i’ve identified bodies before… its rare to do so, but usually its just some nobody

(03:13:48 PM) bradass87:it humanized the whole thing… re-sensitized me

(03:15:38 PM) bradass87:i dont know… im just, weird i guess

(03:15:49 PM) bradass87:i cant separate myself from others

(03:16:12 PM) bradass87:i feel connected to everybody… like they were distant family

(03:16:24 PM) bradass87:i… care?

(03:17:27 PM) bradass87: <– sums it up for me (03:18:17 PM) bradass87:i probably shouldn’t have read sagan, feynman, and so many intellectual authors last summer…

(03:21:11 PM) bradass87:>sigh< (03:22:14 PM) [email protected]: i get that

(03:22:45 PM) bradass87:get what… that connection?

(03:23:38 PM) [email protected]: yeah.

(03:24:08 PM) [email protected]: which is why i’m sad for the people i sometimes have to hurt.

(03:24:10 PM) bradass87:we’re human… and we’re killing ourselves… and no-one seems to see that… and it bothers me

(03:24:26 PM) bradass87:apathy

(03:25:28 PM) bradass87:apathy is far worse than the active participation

(03:26:23 PM) bradass87:>hug< (03:29:31 PM) bradass87: Elie Wiesel summed it up pretty well for me… though his story is much much more important that mine

(03:29:48 PM) bradass87:*than

(03:31:33 PM) bradass87:I prefer a painful truth over any blissful fantasy.

(03:31:48 PM) bradass87:s/a/the

(03:32:05 PM) [email protected]: *hugback*

(03:34:16 PM) bradass87::*

(03:35:44 PM) bradass87:i think ive been traumatized too much by reality, to care about consequences of shattering the fantasy

(03:36:18 PM) bradass87:im not brave, im weak

(03:39:00 PM) [email protected]: sometimes they’re the same thing

(03:40:33 PM) [email protected]: brb

(03:40:43 PM) bradass87:k

(03:52:34 PM) bradass87:like i think ive said before…. im not so much scared of getting caught and facing consequences at this point… as i am of being misunderstood, and never having the chance to live the life i wanted to…

(03:52:34 PM) [email protected] : I’m not here right now

(03:53:38 PM) bradass87:im way way way too easy to marginalize…

(03:55:52 PM) bradass87:i dont like this person that people see… no-one knows who i am inside

(04:24:21 PM) [email protected]: are you in the green zone? *random*

(04:26:02 PM) [email protected]: i know all about having a persona vs. a real person

(04:26:06 PM) [email protected]: <3 (04:28:46 PM)[email protected]: yt?

(01:36:28 AM) bradass87:i had an hour session with my therapist

(01:36:40 AM) bradass87:i didnt say word for like 30 minutes

(01:36:47 AM) bradass87:i just sat there, and he took notes

(01:37:18 AM) bradass87:im an awkward patient

(01:38:13 AM) bradass87:its difficult to communicate with therapists

(01:38:27 AM) bradass87:i try to explain something, and they twist it around

(01:39:04 AM) bradass87:and then they ask why i dont want to say anything

(01:39:43 AM) bradass87:one of my friends is in the Democratic Primary for a South Dakota Senate seat… Angie Buhl… we played Guitar Hero together

(01:40:15 AM) bradass87:very very gay friendly… =)

(01:41:22 AM) bradass87:State Senate that is… [not federal]

(01:42:05 AM) bradass87:

(01:42:36 AM) [email protected]: I gathered

(01:43:53 AM) bradass87:same circle of friends as [redacted]… he’s cute, but he’s a bottom… so we didn’t work out [redacted]

(01:44:40 AM) bradass87:slept with him a few times, but sex was awkward…

(01:44:50 AM) [email protected]: howso?

(01:45:04 AM) bradass87:two bottoms…

(01:45:40 AM) bradass87:so, yeah… we’re friends

(01:46:48 AM) bradass87:though, its been a year… and political friends can forget you exist in three news cycles

(01:47:19 AM) bradass87:kind of reinforces my cynicism

(01:47:55 AM) bradass87:i still have a little spark of a dream though… call me crazy…

(01:48:30 AM) bradass87:but, i’d like to insert myself into politics, as a technical person with real ideas…

(01:49:28 AM) bradass87:too many words in political spheres… too short of an attention span… too short of goals

(01:50:38 AM) bradass87:humanity can accomplish so much… but its like herding cats

(01:50:57 AM) bradass87:getting the smart people with ideas to cooperate, that is

(01:51:59 AM) bradass87:im probably suffering from depression

(01:51:59 AM) bradass87:={

(01:52:03 AM) bradass87:={

(01:52:06 AM) bradass87:=P

(01:52:15 AM) [email protected]: Who isn’t :(

(01:52:20 AM) bradass87:goddamn, i missed the “P” key twice

(01:52:27 AM) [email protected]: I’m supposedly bipolar.

(01:52:38 AM) bradass87:oh well, still not medicated

(01:53:00 AM) bradass87:i dont believe a third of the DSM-IV-TR

(01:53:58 AM) bradass87:so many Disorders that so many people fall into… it just seems like a method to categorize a person, medicate them, and make money from prescription medications

(01:54:04 AM) [email protected]: brb

(01:54:31 AM) bradass87:i’d like to meet a single person that wouldn’t fall into a Disorder in the DSM-IV-TR

(01:55:31 AM) bradass87:[I’m random, too]

(02:01:12 AM) [email protected]: no such animal

(02:02:25 AM) bradass87:indeed

(02:02:39 AM) bradass87:

(02:03:10 AM) bradass87:amazing how the world works

(02:03:27 AM) bradass87:takes 6 degrees of separation to a whole new level

(01:42:28 PM) [email protected]: are you seeing anyone in the .mil?

(01:42:40 PM) bradass87:ew, no

(01:43:01 PM) bradass87:i dated once… having two paranoid people doesn’t work

(01:43:12 PM) [email protected]: my ex said CI was lousy with queers ;>

(01:43:18 PM) bradass87:i’ve had sex with .mil people… but overall its bad

(01:43:32 PM) bradass87:CI?

(01:43:37 PM) bradass87:why would CI be involved

(01:43:45 PM) [email protected]: my ex was 97B

(01:44:14 PM) bradass87:i forget it was probably pretty bad in the past

(01:44:33 PM) bradass87:DADT isnt really enforced

(01:44:56 PM) bradass87:top interrogator here has a civil union in NJ

(01:45:18 PM) bradass87:i punched a dyke in the phace…

(01:45:22 PM) [email protected]: lol

(01:45:43 PM) bradass87:half the S2 shop was at least bi

(01:45:57 PM) [email protected]: you know this personal-like? ; )

(01:46:05 PM) bradass87:it was all female

(01:46:10 PM) [email protected]: ah

(01:46:46 PM) bradass87:i got sick of these dykes and their drama… it was worse than “The L Word”…

(01:52:30 PM) bradass87:funny thing is… we transffered so much data on unmarked CDs…

(01:52:42 PM) bradass87:everyone did… videos… movies… music

(01:53:05 PM) bradass87:all out in the open

(01:53:53 PM) bradass87:bringing CDs too and from the networks was/is a common phenomeon

(01:54:14 PM) [email protected]: is that how you got the cables out?

(01:54:28 PM) bradass87:perhaps

(01:54:42 PM) bradass87:i would come in with music on a CD-RW

(01:55:21 PM) bradass87:labelled with something like “Lady Gaga”… erase the music… then write a compressed split file

(01:55:46 PM) bradass87:no-one suspected a thing

(01:55:48 PM) bradass87:=L kind of sad

(01:56:04 PM) [email protected]: and odds are, they never will

(01:56:07 PM) bradass87:i didnt even have to hide anything

(01:56:36 PM) [email protected]: from a professional perspective, i’m curious how the server they were on was insecure

(01:57:19 PM) bradass87:you had people working 14 hours a day… every single day… no weekends… no recreation…

(01:57:27 PM) bradass87:people stopped caring after 3 weeks

(01:57:44 PM) [email protected]: i mean, technically speaking

(01:57:51 PM) [email protected]: or was it physical

(01:57:52 PM) bradass87:>nod< (01:58:16 PM) bradass87:there was no physical security

(01:58:18 PM) [email protected]: it was physical access, wasn’t it

(01:58:20 PM) [email protected]: hah

(01:58:33 PM) bradass87:it was there, but not really

(01:58:51 PM) bradass87:5 digit cipher lock… but you could knock and the door…

(01:58:55 PM) bradass87:*on

(01:59:15 PM) bradass87:weapons, but everyone has weapons

(02:00:12 PM) bradass87:everyone just sat at their workstations… watching music videos / car chases / buildings exploding… and writing more stuff to CD/DVD… the culture fed opportunities

(02:01:44 PM) bradass87:hardest part is arguably internet access… uploading any sensitive data over the open internet is a bad idea… since networks are monitored for any insurgent/terrorist/militia/criminal types

(02:01:52 PM) [email protected]: tor?

(02:02:13 PM) bradass87:tor + ssl + sftp

(02:02:33 PM) [email protected]: *nod*

(02:03:05 PM) [email protected]: not quite how i might do it, but good

(02:03:22 PM) bradass87:i even asked the NSA guy if he could find any suspicious activity coming out of local networks… he shrugged and said… “its not a priority”

(02:14:21 PM) bradass87:listened and lip-synced to Lady Gaga’s Telephone while exfiltratrating possibly the largest data spillage in american history

(02:15:03 PM) bradass87:pretty simple, and unglamorous

(02:16:37 PM) bradass87:*exfiltrating

(02:17:56 PM) bradass87:weak servers, weak logging, weak physical security, weak counter-intelligence, inattentive signal analysis… a perfect storm

(02:19:03 PM) bradass87:>sigh< (02:19:19 PM) bradass87:sounds pretty bad huh?

(02:20:06 PM) [email protected]: kinda :x

(02:20:25 PM) bradass87::L

(02:20:52 PM) [email protected]: i mean, for the .mil

(02:21:08 PM) bradass87:well, it SHOULD be better

(02:21:32 PM) bradass87:its sad

(02:22:47 PM) bradass87:i mean what if i were someone more malicious

(02:23:25 PM) bradass87:i could’ve sold to russia or china, and made bank?

(02:23:36 PM) [email protected]: why didn’t you?

(02:23:58 PM) bradass87:because it’s public data

(02:24:15 PM) [email protected]: i mean, the cables

(02:24:46 PM) bradass87:it belongs in the public domain

(02:25:15 PM) bradass87:information should be free

(02:25:39 PM) bradass87:it belongs in the public domain

(02:26:18 PM) bradass87:because another state would just take advantage of the information… try and get some edge

(02:26:55 PM) bradass87:if its out in the open… it should be a public good

(02:27:04 PM) bradass87:*do the

(02:27:23 PM) bradass87:rather than some slimy intel collector

(02:29:18 PM) bradass87:im crazy like that

(02:52:47 PM) bradass87:state dept fucked itself… placed volumes and volumes of information in a single spot, with no security

(02:53:28 PM) [email protected]: only the people you trust can fuck you – infowise ;>

(02:54:03 PM) bradass87:so anything published, and classified up to SECRET//NOFORN

(02:54:44 PM) [email protected]: in all seriousness, would you shoot if MP’s showed up? ;>

(02:55:04 PM) bradass87:why would i need to?

(02:55:18 PM) [email protected]: suicide by MP.

(02:55:34 PM) bradass87::L

(02:55:39 PM) bradass87:do i seem unhinged?

(02:56:04 PM) [email protected]: i mean, showed up – for you – if Julian were to slip up.

(02:56:46 PM) bradass87:he knows very little about me

(02:56:54 PM) bradass87:he takes source protection uber-seriously

(02:57:01 PM) bradass87:“lie to me” he says

(02:57:06 PM) [email protected]: Really. Interesting.

(02:57:34 PM) bradass87:he wont work with you if you reveal too much about yourself

(02:58:13 PM) [email protected]: why talk to me?

(02:58:47 PM) bradass87:because im isolated as fuck… my life is falling apart, and i dont have anyone to talk to

(02:59:02 PM) [email protected]: I’m flattered ;)

(02:59:09 PM) [email protected]: How is it falling apart?

(02:59:41 PM) bradass87:GID… discharge… family issuess… and possibility of transition in near future

(03:00:21 PM) bradass87:its all happening so quick for me… its overwhelming :’(

(03:00:35 PM) [email protected]: but you make a cute boy! ;>

(03:00:53 PM) bradass87:im not comfortable with myself

(03:01:06 PM) bradass87:im in an awkward state

(03:01:23 PM) [email protected]: i don’t understand, but i understand the idea, if that makes sense.

(03:01:39 PM) bradass87:and the weird part is… i love my job… i was very good at it… i wish this didnt have to happen like this

(03:01:48 PM) [email protected]: one of my ex’s is living as a girl in .au

(03:02:05 PM) bradass87:i dont understand it either

(03:04:05 PM) bradass87:its clearly an issue… i mean, i dont think its normal for people to spend this much time worrying about whether they’re behaving masculine enough, whether what they’re going to say is going to be perceived as “gay”… not to mention how i feel about the situation… for whatever reason, im not comfortable with myself… i mean, i behave and look like a male, but its not “me” =L

(03:04:34 PM) bradass87:its… odd

(03:04:40 PM) bradass87:or at least painful

(03:05:31 PM) bradass87:8 months ago, if you’d have asked me whether i wanted i would identify as female, i’d say you were crazy

(03:06:11 PM) bradass87:that started to slip very quickly, as the stresses continued and piled up

(03:06:48 PM) bradass87:i had about three breakdowns… successively worse, each one revealing more and more of my uncertainty and emotional insecurity

(03:07:57 PM) bradass87:now… i spend a lot of time thinking of transitioning… im now very familiar with the process… and have a rough plan of how to get portions of it to work

(03:10:34 PM) [email protected]: *nod*

(03:10:39 PM) [email protected]: *makes the bed*

(03:11:15 PM) bradass87:have you heard similar?

(03:11:22 PM) [email protected]: yes

(03:12:25 PM) bradass87:what did your ex say? if you dont mind me asking?

(03:14:15 PM) [email protected]: they felt uncomfortable in their own body, they hated their genitals, they didn’t like looking manly

(03:14:49 PM) bradass87:im uncomfortable with my role in society in particular…

(03:15:30 PM) bradass87:im not so uncomfortable with my genitalia, i mean, it works for me… but i dont like the masculine features in my appearance

(03:17:04 PM) bradass87:i went on leave in late january / early february… and… i cross-dressed, full on… wig, breastforms, dress, the works… i had crossdressed before… but i was public… for a few days

(03:17:33 PM) bradass87:i blended in….

(03:17:34 PM) bradass87:no-one knew

(03:18:06 PM) bradass87:the first thing i learned was that chivalry isn’t dead… men would walk out of their way and open doors for me… it was so weird

(03:18:19 PM) [email protected]: awww.

(03:18:51 PM) bradass87:i was referred to as “Ma’am” or “Miss” at places like Starbucks and McDonalds (hey, im not a fancy eater)

(03:19:35 PM) bradass87:i even took the Acela from DC to Boston… whatever compelled me to do that… idk… but i wanted to see my then-still-boyfriend

(03:20:01 PM) bradass87:i rode the train, dressed in a casual business outfit

(03:20:36 PM) bradass87:i really enjoyed the trip… minus the conductor

(03:21:06 PM) bradass87:as he asked for my ID, and clipped my ticket… he made a fuss

(03:21:24 PM) [email protected]: that sucks =z

(03:21:26 PM) bradass87:“Thank you, MISTER Manning…”

(03:21:31 PM) [email protected]: asshole

(03:21:35 PM) [email protected]: him, not you

(03:21:41 PM) bradass87:i know

(03:21:53 PM) bradass87:it was… an experience i wont forget…

(03:22:36 PM) bradass87:i mean… 99.9% of people coming from iraq and afghanistan want to come home, see their families, get drunk, get laid…

(03:22:56 PM) bradass87:i… wanted to try living as a woman, for whatever reason

(03:23:14 PM) bradass87:obviously, its important to me… since there were plenty of other things i could’ve done

(03:23:23 PM) [email protected]: Overall, how did you feel about your sojourn?

(03:25:50 PM) bradass87:idk, i just kind of blended in… i didn’t have to make an effort to do so, it just came naturally… instead of thinking all the time about how im perceived, being self conscious, i just let myself go… …well, i was still self-concious, but in a different way… i was worried about whether i looked pretty, whether my makeup was running, whether i spilled coffee on my (expensive) outfit… and to some extent whether i was passing…

(03:28:12 PM) bradass87:but i went to get gas… and bought cigarettes (i know, need to quit)… and the man asked to see my ID… so i did… and he about had a heart attack… he couldn’t hold himself back, he looked up and down twice… and gave me this look like… WTF, it is the same… handed it back to me… and tried to keep himself composed… so i wasn’t worried about whether i was passing as much, because he had no idea whatsoever

(03:28:55 PM) [email protected]: i smoze zero to five a day myself.

(03:29:44 PM) bradass87:but the point was, i guess my face is androgynous enough that i can pass with ease

(03:30:11 PM) bradass87:my prominent adams apple is the only issue i was concerned about

(03:30:26 PM) bradass87:so i wore a turtleneck, and had collar up with my coat

(03:30:29 PM) [email protected]: yeah, i’d say that re. the former.

(03:30:38 PM) [email protected]: which i find cute.

(03:56:16 PM) [email protected]: anyone I should talk to if you disappear one day?

(03:56:29 PM) bradass87:good question

(03:57:10 PM) bradass87:i gave ex-bf a list… some use he is now

(03:57:29 PM) [email protected]: I have more cred with the press :x

(03:57:37 PM) bradass87:indeed…

(03:58:05 PM) bradass87:I’m a source for Chris Johnson of Washington Blade… i feed with my sub-sources

(03:59:03 PM) bradass87:not to mention objective personal experience of DADT… and how its actually working out “on the ground”

(03:59:11 PM) [email protected]: what about the sub-sources themselves? just out in the cold?

(03:59:38 PM) bradass87:yes, they’re politically tied

(04:00:50 PM) bradass87:so, they wouldn’t be in the cold, per se

(04:00:57 PM) bradass87:but i would disavow them

(04:00:58 PM) [email protected]: … everything else, but you don’t trust me with that? heh.

(04:01:19 PM) bradass87:these are good people, who just happen to be gay

(04:01:29 PM) bradass87:it would be wrong of me to confirm / deny

(04:01:46 PM) bradass87:check (mostly accurate)

(04:01:50 PM) bradass87::P

(04:01:52 PM) [email protected]: fair enough

(04:02:16 PM) bradass87:ask them, not me… i say

(04:02:46 PM) bradass87:(i keep my promises to my friends, believe it or not)

(04:03:15 PM) [email protected]: I can respect that.

(04:03:21 PM) [email protected]: And do.

(04:04:10 PM) bradass87:Just hang around the right bars at the right times in Dupont Circle… and you can meet them yourself, you wouldn’t need me =P

(04:04:26 PM) [email protected]: I have. Hung out there :P

(04:04:42 PM) [email protected]: Any bars in particular?

(04:04:52 PM) bradass87:they keep freakin’ changing

(04:05:14 PM) [email protected]: heh

(04:05:16 PM) bradass87:changing names and locations… its been a different scene every time i go back to DC…

(04:05:38 PM) bradass87:and im only gone 4-6 months each time =[

(04:06:22 PM) bradass87:i usually give [redacted] a call if i need to know whats hot in town

(04:07:47 PM) bradass87:here’s some public advice:[redacted]/status/[redacted] =P

(04:08:08 PM) bradass87:[Tweet redacted]

(04:09:11 PM) bradass87:i was [redacted]’s first boyfriend after [redacted]

(04:09:28 PM) bradass87:i encouraged him to seek out relationships again”

(04:09:31 PM) bradass87:

(04:10:04 PM) bradass87:now he’s engaged to his fiancee [redacted]

(04:10:32 PM) bradass87:(im a pretty connected guy for a ghost, i guess)

(04:12:01 PM) [email protected]: :)

(04:13:27 PM) bradass87:i guess in a way, im just getting started

(04:13:43 PM) bradass87:i mean… im not even 23 ye

(04:13:48 PM) bradass87:*yet

(04:19:02 PM) [email protected]: this is true

(04:22:03 PM) bradass87:i keep my DADT trail semi-secure

(04:22:11 PM) [email protected]: howso?

(04:22:17 PM) bradass87:i figure its plausible deniability

(04:22:43 PM) bradass87:for the more extreme stuff

(04:22:56 PM) [email protected]: …. howso?

(04:23:13 PM) bradass87:well, if investigated, it provides a huge number of red herrings

(04:23:57 PM) bradass87:politically sensitive… it would be a small domestic scandal

(04:25:33 PM) bradass87:one of my contacts is the Special Forces officer who was involved in the (awful) interrogation of John Walker Lindh

(04:26:07 PM) bradass87:he witnessed the death of his CIA colleagues

(04:26:23 PM) bradass87:he’s a hero… and he’s gay

(04:27:34 PM) bradass87:*capture and interrogation of

(04:28:13 PM) bradass87:i know, its all very complicated and difficult to believe, which is good for me

(04:28:56 PM) bradass87:but, i hope i can live a less ambiguous life soon… as i transition

(04:29:30 PM) [email protected]: I wish you a less ambiguous life as well.

(04:29:41 PM) bradass87:thank you

(04:29:57 PM) bradass87:i sincerely believe i deserve one :(

(06:08:53 PM) [email protected]: What’s your greatest fear?

(06:09:24 PM) bradass87:dying without ever truly living

(06:10:16 PM) bradass87:cliche, but honest

(06:10:33 PM) [email protected]: i keep forgetting you’re 22

(06:11:50 PM) [email protected]: i had my first /really/ ltr (more’n six months) at 22

(06:12:13 PM) [email protected]: They went on the run from the FBI /w me

(06:12:30 PM) [email protected]: that’s love/

(06:12:46 PM) [email protected]: Crazy as a shithouse rat, tho.

(06:16:09 PM) bradass87:lol

(06:16:21 PM) bradass87:i dont know if i can meet people who love me

(06:16:37 PM) bradass87:no-one ever sticks around long enough to know me

(06:16:45 PM) bradass87:those who do, become good friends…

(06:16:51 PM) bradass87:but thats not the same

(06:17:18 PM) bradass87:i just ended my first ltr

(06:17:30 PM) bradass87:so im probably still depressed

(06:17:45 PM) bradass87:(i dont know my own emotions that well)

(06:17:58 PM) bradass87:[repression is a bitch]

(06:19:08 PM) bradass87:i often get to know people intimately well

(06:19:14 PM) bradass87:but it doesn’t reflect

(06:24:29 PM) bradass87:ive seen far more than a 22 y/o should

(06:25:00 PM) [email protected]: so had I =z