Drunken Debauchery

“I’m dating WeHo’s most popular glory h—,” and more pearls from “What Happens at the Abbey”

The cable network E! continues its barrage of reality television, this time with their skin-driven What Happens at the Abbey. Set at the West Hollywood landmark, the series centers on proprietor David Cooley and his battalion of vapid, pretty and often surgically enhanced staffers.

In each episode, the crew gets naked, has sex, fights and pours drinks for a crowd that mixes celebrities, wannabes, socialites, tourists and locals willing to pay for overpriced, if tasty, drinks. The series, however, revolves around the personal drama and rivalries of these staffers, framed against the backdrop of loud music and inebriation. Also, despite ostensibly being about the iconic West Hollywood gay bar, the show tends to focus more on the straight or questioning characters.

Hey, what do you expect from reality television?

And of course, because What Happens at the Abbey is reality television, the half-naked cast has stumbled across fascinating insight into life, the universe and everything else.

If the series is not your cup of Vodka, or if you’d like help figuring out whether to invest your valuable viewing time, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite quotes from the pilot episode that give an impression of their personalities, and of just what does happen at the Abbey…

“My biggest dream is to meet Kelly Ripa”—Marissa, former Long Island hooters girl who proudly boasts fake boobs on her list of career aspirations

“I actually believe in my heart that I will start the fanny pack up again, just like I started the man bun!”–Daniel, self-proclaimed fashionista and model

“Girls at the Abbey are pretty slutty girls.”—Billy, bartender, on why he loves his job

“My psychic told me not to date anyone for 3-6 months because I tend to gravitate toward douche bags.”–Kim, the bi-curious bombshell showing off her own gift of prophecy

“We don’t like wrinkles. That’s what Botox is for.”—Lawrence, gay dad-to-be on how to survive in a cutthroat career

“I feel like I’m dating WeHo’s most popular glory hole.”—Cory on doppelganger boyfriend Murray Swanby who shares his sexiest underwear selfies with ENews

Related: Murray Swanby is so much more than a pretty face

“I felt like one of her eyelashes was gonna stick to her mouth! I don’t know…that was mean…”—Brandy on straight girl Tamer weeping over Lawrence’s choice to incubate his sperm elsewhere

“It’s not black and white here at the Abbey. It’s very gray, and very messy.”—Elizabeth, stating the obvious.

What Happens at the Abbey airs Sunday nights at 10pm ET/PT on E!.