Pollution Could Cause Polar Bears’ Penises To Break During Sex. Happy Earth Day!

Polar_Bear_relaxingThis Earth Day, instead of making picture frames out of popsicle sticks, take a moment to think about an effect of human pollution you may not have considered — the snapping dicks of polar bears.

Visceral enough for you? John Oliver hopes so. He’s rallying for the weakening polar bear dick to become the new symbol of climate change, because humans may not have bones in their penises, but it sure does hit close to home.

And apparently, it’s an actual thing potentially threatening the species with extinction.

Oliver has already succeeded in making the NSA’s overreach about dicks, so why not shoot for global warming while he’s at it?

“We’ve become immune to shock,” said Oliver on Last Week Tonight. “Just look at that classic image of a polar bear balancing on a block of ice. That used to horrify people, but now it’s lost its power. It’s like looking at pornography from the 1840s. I don’t care how much shin that woman is showing, I just feel nothing.”

“Earlier this year, a study showed that environmental toxins could potentially cause them to be at risk of ‘… increased risk of species extinction… as a result of weak penile bones and risk of fractures,’” Oliver said. “To put that in layman’s terms: Pollution could cause polar bears to break their dicks.”

Solution? To “retire the polar bear on a chunk of ice as the face of global pollution, and replace it with [an] image of a polar bear clutching its shattered penis—because that will get people’s attention.”

Click here to view the clip.

Don't forget to share:

Help make sure LGBTQ+ stories are being told...

We can't rely on mainstream media to tell our stories. That's why we don't lock Queerty articles behind a paywall. Will you support our mission with a contribution today?

Cancel anytime · Proudly LGBTQ+ owned and operated