Max Bemis, lead singer of the rock band Say Anything, just came out in an emotional nine-page letter to fans.
In the missive, Bemis opens up about his mental health struggles and his sexuality, which he describes as “bi-ish or queer or a straight guy who can also like boys.”
“I always talked or joked about it with my friends and found it to be blatantly clear I was,” he writes. “I was bullied for it and called a ‘f*g’ (without irony). This is, sadly, common.”
The 34-year-old rock-and-roller continues, “I’m not special. I even went so far as to tell people I was also attracted to guys repeatedly. They chalked it up to my bipolar sh*t, which was hurtful.”
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Bemis describes most of his queer experiences as “limited and remain mostly emotional” and says he’s often felt people don’t take his sexuality seriously because he’s married to a woman.
“So yeah, I’m a queer, Jewish, Christian skeptic pseudo-anarchist with a belief in metaphysics and the application of ‘magical’ stuff. Woof,” he writes
Bemis also talked about Say Anything’s forthcoming album, Oliver Appropriate, which he says is “a critique of ‘new age masculinity” and which will be the band’s final album… probably.
“There will be no full U.S. tour to support the record or in the near future. I am done being a touring musician as my main profession,” Bemis writes. “Say Anything is retiring in the sense that Jay-Z did. It’s not an indefinite hiatus or a breakup because that’s impossible.”
Donston
Never heard of this dude. I don’t want to get into argument about identity and sexuality. It’s all a spectrum people. Many people have many facets. And many people go through things that shape them.
I will say that the struggle for self-understanding, mental health and figuring out your “lifestyle” does seem more prominent among individuals who do not have an orientation that romantically and sexually both veer a certain direction. Guys who only want to have real relationships with women and only have real romantic bonds with chicks yet have some sexual passion for guys or like to sometimes hook up with dudes get hyped up a lot. But there’s a pretty decent amount of men out there who have more immediate sexual attraction and/or arousal towards females or are sexually about 50/50 but have stronger romantic and emotional bonds and instincts towards dudes. It would be nice if more men who are actually in a relationship with a guy or looking to be in a relationship with a guy were as straightforward about their struggles and nuances. That would help to cut out some of the resentment of men like this who “come out”, help to cut out some of the hetero worship and obsession with heteronormalcy for men who are romantically homo-leaning, help to cut out some people’s internalized homophobia and help people to realize that not being completely, entirely hetero or homo is nothing unique.
Donston
You guys initially rejected this post and as soon as I posted something similar it gets posted?
Josh447
How bout str8 guy with benefits?
Josh447
Wrong placement. See below.
Mick406
Donston
Excellent analysis!
Lacuevaman
queerty, you need to censure Dumbston completely. what a fool.
bjbalme
Completely agree! And I want to emphasize the point you made about hearing or seeing stories about men who actually have romantic/relationship-like interests in men as opposed to just sexual but date and marry women. I want to be open and understanding, but I can’t help but feel like alot of “straight” guys use gay men like toys or try them on like costumes. They have no actual interest in possibly dating or marrying the same sex, they just use gay guys to get off. And it would be nice to see more examples of men would actually have a romantic interest in both. Or even the other way around, men who are in relationships with men but have sexual interests in women too.
DCguy
So he says he’s a “a straight guy who can also like boys”??
Wow, the desperation to still use some variation of “Straight” is getting ridiculous (Remembering the attempt to make “Hetero-Flexible” a thing a few years ago).
“Straight guy” and “Likes Boys” are two different things. The fact that he is struggling so much to even come to grips sounds like he’s still carrying some major baggage. If he’s bi just say it, stop erasing yourself! IF you’re wife is cool with it, what’s the problem?
Donston
I do think you’re being a bit crass and jumping to conclusions. Some people see “straight” as meaning mostly into the opposite gender and only wanting to legit be with someone of the opposite gender. Just like some see “gay” as meaning mostly into the same gender and only want to fo’ real be with someone of my gender. I don’t want to get into argument about identity and sexuality. It’s all a spectrum people. Many people have many facets. And many people go through things that shape them.
I will say that the struggle for self-understanding, mental health and figuring out your “lifestyle” does seem more prominent among individuals who a very convoluted orientation or an orientation that romantically and sexually go in different directions. Guys who only want to have real relationships with women yet have some sexual passion for guys or like to sometimes hook up with dudes get hyped up a lot. But there’s a pretty decent amount of men out there who have more immediate sexual attraction and/or arousal towards females or are sexually about 50/50 but have stronger romantic and emotional bonds and comfort towards dudes.
It would be nice if more men who are actually in a relationship with a guy or looking to be in a relationship with a guy were as straightforward about their struggles and nuances. That would help to cut out some of the resentment of men like this who “come out”, help to cut out some of the hetero worship and obsession with heteronormalcy for men who are romantically homo-leaning, help to cut out some people’s internalized homophobia and help people to realize that not being completely, entirely hetero or homo is borderline commonplace.
batesmotel
I think it basically means he’s bi, which many are but they don’t use the label much because it’s no longer trending. If you’re attracted to both genders and you’ll sleep with both genders, then you’re bi. It’s not, “I’m straight but I like boys.” In the end it’s just a label and really doesn’t mean much in the end except to explain to others what you are. Shouldn’t matter anyway.
Robothedestroyer
I feel like people really need to get over being upset at others for language which isn’t meant to be harmful (such as using the word straight).
He mentions, all be it passively, that is attraction to men is emotional… in a way to suggest that it starts there. Meaning his go to is women but he admits, and acknowlages that, given the right circumstance he will be attracted to a man enough to get down. In a nutshell: women are his Taco Bell while men are his Olive Garden. He trolls for dirty anon sex on tinder, not grindr… lol.
Anyway…
Thinking of it this way he probably does not know what to call himself because he does not fit into a category layed out on paper for him. So, considering he lusts after the opposite gender most of the tine and with less conditions attached (this is speculation but how I took it) straight guy who likes boys really is very accurate.
The real difference between this and bi to me is romance. He may become so emotionally attached to a man to sleep with him but are those emotions romantic in an “I’m gonna marry the hell out of you” kinda way or just “BJs and maybe some bro-cuddles sound awesome tonight but get your own damn beer.”
True friendship.
Josh447
DCguy
How bout str8 guy w benefits?
Donston
Batemotel, “labels” can be important to the individual. Identity isn’t always about how you are perceived socially. It can also be a big part of your esteem and self-comfort. I know I didn’t feel completely comfortable identifying as simply “bi”, not because it’s no longer “trending” but because I felt (like a lot of people feel) that “bi” remains an identity too tightly connected to heteronormalcy and living a mostly hetero lifetsyle. Identifying as a “gay-pansexual” allowed me to feel I was being more honest about my dimensions, showing no gay shame and respecting that most of my passions, romantic fulfillment and relationship ambitions was same-sex. So, it’s not always about trying to feel special or trying to be on trend, though yes, sometimes it is that.
There are many gay-identifying men who have some attraction to non cis men/some emotional connection to females. It would be nice if some of those dudes (well, the famous ones) stepped up about their nuances and were honest about them. That would help people realize that “gay” itself is a sprectum. It seems only guys who primarily date women have any interests in honestly sharing their nuance. As I mentioned earlier, most people fit on the spectrum somewhere and in some way. Being absolutely 100% inherently hetero or homo romantically, sexually and emotionally is actually the non-norm.
DCguy
Robothedestroyer said..
I feel like people really need to get over being upset at others for language which isn’t meant to be harmful (such as using the word straight).
————————-
Easy, because “Straight but likes boys” is one step away from “Being LGBT is just a phase” and 2 steps away from “Lets send them to get cured”. The desperation not to “Label” it as real is a red hearing from the anti-lgbt folks.
sfmike64
Why does it matter what someone else calls themselves? It’s not zero sum game.
He’s really cute. He can come sit on my lap anytime he wants. I’m patient. 🙂
What I think is odd is how often men in particular avoid the term “bisexual.” But ultimately it doesn’t matter to me. It only matters to him and the people who are in his life.
Donston
Most men (particularly men who are hetero-leaning) that don’t have substantial and sustained romantic and sexual interests, passions and satisfaction towards men and women are not interested in “bisexual” or at least become uninterested in it as a longterm “identity”. For unbashedly homo-leaning men it’s too tied to heteronormalcy, having a “mostly straight” lifestyle, internalized homophobia and hetero worship. For men who only really want to be with a female it’s too tied to “gayness”. I also think more people are becoming uncomfortable with their orientation being tied purely to attractions and sexual behaviors/enjoyment. Bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual and pansexual are identities that forces that on individuals.
Paco
Pretty sad when men having emotional, non-sexual attachments to other men, is now being called queer or “bi-ish”.
You can still be straight and have an emotionally close friendship with another man that includes affection. Sheesh.
Donston
Some people need to get a greater understanding of the differences between sexual, romantic and emotional feelings, just like some need to get a greater understanding of the differences between attraction, arousal, sexual enjoyment, sexual passion and sexual fulfillment. Having an emotional bond is important in a relationship and to orientation, but it doesn’t mean much if you don’t have romantic and/or sexual feelings and satisfaction towards that person.
Paco
Women are not labeled queer or ‘bi-ish” when they have close friendships with other women that do not include sex but has plenty of physical affection.
Straight guys can’t have the same and show affection for one another without it having to be labeled “other”.
Maybe I am misunderstanding what he was saying, but that was what I was getting from it.
Donston
I think labeling yourself “queer” or “bi-ish” because you have some emotional bond beyond one gender but don’t really much or any sexual and/or romantic desire and fulfillment towards that gender is perhaps sorta, kinda lame. But there are women who enter relationships primarily because of emotional bonds and emotional contentment rather than romantic/sexual passion and fulfillment. Men do as well, but it tends to be guys who are romantically and sexually homo-leaning but choose to mostly date women due to emotional comfort (although, yes, that is sometimes driven mainly by internalized homophobia or obsession with heteronormalcy). However, there are some men who don’t have a ton of romantic/sexual passion and affection towards guys, but do enter relationships with men because of emotional comfort/connection. Those relationships tend to not last long. But it does happen.
We do need to get the point where people don’t feel the need to embrace a “label” just because they’re willing to talk about “quirks” in their orientation. The more people who talk about their dimensions the more people will realize that most of us have “quirks”.
DCguy
There was nothing in the post that said it was non-sexual.
maxdadmark
Once again, the scolding bandwagon is in full force. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, AS LONG AS IT MATCHES YOURS, right?
djmcgamester
Oh, good. Thought I was the only one around here who allows people to be whoever that are.
Craig
“Popular” singer? ?
djmcgamester
I love that this guy is willing to open up about himself. Sadly, I’ve heard so many times in the past that bisexual men are just those not yet willing to fully accept their homosexuality. I never liked that idea. That this guy doesn’t have to slap a particular label on himself is something I wish we could all do. I’ve probably done as much with women after coming out than before. Things just happened but I still identify as gay.
I participate in a very geeky forum about video games. Some guy posted something, I responded, and then I private messaged me that he was bi. (It made sense in context of the thread.) He’s married, his wife knows and he said though he’s not especially attracted to men he does like sex with them. What do we make of that? Bi-ish sounds about right.
Paco
“That this guy doesn’t have to slap a particular label on himself is something I wish we could all do.
Except he did slap a label on himself.
“He’s married, his wife knows and he said though he’s not especially attracted to men he does like sex with them. What do we make of that? Bi-ish sounds about right.”
I wouldn’t know. I don’t like sex with people I am not attracted to.
mujerado
If someone wants to adopt a “label” and tell others who and what they are, why is it the others’ right to tell them they shouldn’t? I am who I am, and if I tell you, that’s my business, whether you like labels or not. There should be no argument, not with this guy, not with anyone who honestly tells us who they are and what they feel. We have no right to argue or to put them down for it. None. People should all just mind their own damn business and accept it when someone comes out and self-identifies in a certain way. Anything more is intrusive judgmentalism.
dash_board1
@mujerado, when did it become verboten to hold a differing opinion? Just because someone says something doesn’t mean it’s accurate, they may be lying, mistaken or ignorant.
For example, @djmcgamester hooks up with men and women, but identifies as gay. That’s his prerogative. That doesn’t stop me from disagreeing with him. To me, a man who is sexually attracted to men and women is bisexual because, well, that’s what the word means. I’m not going to insist that he identify as bisexual but, by the same token, I’m not going to change my understanding of the word ‘gay’ to include a sexual attraction to the opposite sex.
Donston
dash_board1, what are the differences between sexual attraction, sexual instincts, sexual arousal, sexual passion, sexual enjoyment, sexual fulfillment? The differences between such things often leave people amiss about who they are and what to identify as. There are indeed some men who don’t even have much of any sexual attraction or arousal towards men but primarily date men because of romantic bonds and emotional contentment. They just prefer receiving romantic/sexual affection from guys. They just prefer sleeping next to a guy. They prefer a guy’s smile and laughter. Etc. All these different nuances make labels less important than thoroughly understanding your dimensions, motivations, what makes you happy and being honest with yourself (and who you date) about that stuff.
mr guy
I agree with @mujerado. At last somebody talkin some sense!
— Rachel Dolezal
Celtic
As a gay man who “came out” with my first partner fifty — yes, fifty — years ago, I understand the complexity of sexual orientation identity. My “straight” sexual experiences were mechanical. “Getting off” is a crude way of expressing it. My subsequent gay sexual experiences were powerful and exhilarating; fulfilling.
Bemis’ struggle comes in large part from: 1) Religion, both Judaism and Christianity; 2) How we are “expected” to fit into one sexual model or the other without any variations; 3) How larger society looks at us and how we respond to the negativity or demonizing.
It is likely I am the oldest gay man in this post. I am healthy, successful, well-educated and anchored. What saddens and disturbs me is how even in today’s society we must qualify who or what we are sexually, and then brace for the reactions. Our sexuality / orientation forms the core of who we are. There never should be shame; only celebration. Bemis is married. Hopefully his wife is supportive.
Donston
I wouldn’t say my relationships with women were mechnical. There was attraction and sexual enjoyment and emotional steadiness. But they weren’t particularly fulfilling or close to feeling complete. It’s hard to say what this dude’s thing is because he gave some details but didn’t give a ton. And because he is married and religious he probably held back quite a bit about his struggles and sense of self.
No one’s orientation is exactly the same. Attraction, arousal, sexual instincts, sexual enjoyment, sexual fulfillment, romantic passion, romantic fulfillment, emotional bonds, emotional comfort- these things come in different forms and rates for everyone. We all fit on the spectrum. And as much as people make a big deal about attraction and sex and who you can love, it often comes down to things like who do you prefer sleeping next to, who do you prefer holding, who you prefer pleasing.
frankcar1965
Oh god, not more Bi bullshit again!! Get over yourself.
meghanada
What Queerty is concealing is that, in his letter, he also says that, “I don’t want to hook up with guys”.
Not that I totally believe him.
Jason Mraz also tried to say when he started hinting that he was bi that he had never been with a guy. Only later did he admit that not only he has been with men but was also having sex with them while dating his wife.
There’s a weird tendency in Hollywood where guys downplay their homosexual experiences even after admitting they’re not at all straight.
Didn’t Colton Haynes also try to say he was a virgin when he came out as gay?
Anyway, this Max person sounds very confused, self-centered, and exhausting.
Donston
I don’t know how Colton initially tried to come off when he came out. But he later said he has a few sexual experiences with dudes and girls at young age.
There are still some social issues with the bi/pan/fluid/queer/flexible “movements”.
Most bi/fluid/queer/pan/flexible etc. identifying dudes who primarily or only date women constantly talk about their love, affection, passion for females or their female partners and hype up their “open-mindedness”. While at least half of bi/fluid/queer/pan/flexible etc. identifying guys who primarily or only date dudes tend to be more elusive or cagey or defensive or seem obsessed with reminding people that they’re not absolutely 100% inherently homo. It can make everything non-gay feel too tied to heteronormalcy, hetero dynamics and obsession with maintaining some type of hetero image, which for many non hetero worshipping gay-indentifying men can make it all uncomfortable to fully embrace.
These things kinda hurt the people who are simply trying to be honest about themselves or the people legitimtely trying to “find themselves” and figure out what they want. All this and more is why we need to lessen the weight and importance of identity.
GayVeteranUSAF
He can call it whatever he wants it doesn’t bother me. His life, his feelings. This being said, never heard of him. Not sure why this is a story.