Previously, Queerty’s given the daddies among us some tips for being good to their boys. Now it’s time to flip that, and talk to the young ones.
So, hey, kids. Good for you, you’ve figured out something that most gays take decades to realize: experience is sexy, and smart older guys can teach you things you never knew you never knew. (That’s a quote from Pocahontas. It’s a movie. It came out the year you were born.)
1. Be honest
What are your intentions? What do you want out of this relationship? Be up-front and honest at the start of the relationship. That way you can both make sure you’re on the same page. Maybe one of you is looking for a fling while the other wants to settle down — well, you’d better make sure that’s clear before things get too far. Intergenerational relationships are particularly prone to mismatched expectations, so you’re better off clearing the air at the start. (And remember: expectations can change over time, so a periodic checkin is advisable.)
2. No more games
Older guys have learned the value of being direct and honoring their word. They’re far less likely than your flakey young friends to play mind games or manipulate, and they’ll respect you if you follow through on your commitments. Being considerate is key.
“So if you say you want to hang out on Saturday night, then make a reservation, plan ahead and for God’s sake, be on time,” says Daddyhunt CEO Carl Sandler. “Don’t ignore Daddy’s calls and drunk text him at 11 p.m., expecting him to be excited you reached out. Follow through is the key to Daddy’s love.”
3. Think like a daddy
If you’re looking for a daddy, go where daddies go. Look for hangouts like Twin Peaks in San Francisco, where mature gentlemen congregate. Or join organizations that cater to met of all ages, like Frontrunners or Gay for Good. Deliberately go outside of your usual comfort zone. You’ll never find a daddy if you only hang out at 18+ nights.
4. He deserves your respect
Being young doesn’t make you special, so don’t think that your pretty soft skin makes you more important than he is. A successful intergenerational couple enjoys mutual respect, even if he can’t figure out how to program his DVR. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he needs you more than you need him. And don’t think that just because he’s more financially successful than you are, you’re entitled to his cash. Let him decide whether he’s going to treat you to dinner. Acknowledge it when he does something nice. And if you can’t match him, dollar-for-dollar, you can still do nice things for him that don’t cost any money.
5. It’s OK to be you
Being the younger guy can sometimes feel a little marginalizing. His advanced knowledge, success, and poise might discourage you, or make you feel stupid and small. But hey, you have nothing to apologize for. It’s OK that you’re still young. Remember, your daddy was once just like you. So don’t think of your youth and inexperience as a liability. Don’t deprive yourself of doing young-person things, watching young-person shows, and hanging out with your young friends. Remember, those are the very things that attracted him to you in the first place. If he wants to cut you off from your life and isolate you, run.
And if people gossip about your age difference, just ignore them. You’re not in a relationship to please them.
“One of the central tenets of the gay rights movement is that it doesn’t matter who you love, but how you love them,” Sandler says. “I think that applies to anyone who goes against the grain, including people brave enough to enter into intergenerational relationships.”
5. Let him surprise you
You might have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what a daddy is. And to be fair, a lot of those stereotypes are true: older guys are often more genteel, more worldly, and more in-control. But they’re also full of surprises, and you might discover that your daddy can be as silly and playful as your 20-year-old friends. He might even — gasp — be a bottom. Don’t assume anything. Ask him what he likes.
6. Don’t let him take advantage
Sometimes, it’s hard to define the boundary between a fun powerplay and an unhealthy relationship. If your daddy is asking too much of you, taking more control over your life than you want him to, or being condescending, let him know. Remember, you should be in a relationship because it makes you both happy — not just to make him happy.
bottom72
Love, honour, serve and respect your Daddy. He deserves it.
dannyboy22
Just out of curiosity, is it common that older guys or daddies to want to take control and/or make decisions? Cause if so that’s cool, confidence and caring are great qualities to have.
jd2222248
What makes someone a daddy?
tdx3fan
I think the biggest thing for me was that he would like to bottom. Top/bottom for me is a total power differential thing, so I felt almost weird topping at first. When I top I like being in control, and these relationships will always have a power differential that becomes so abundantly apparent when you realize he makes in one day what you make in two months and that he will pay for everything… you feel the lack of power pretty hard. That makes topping feel REALLY weird.
On top of that, continuously having everything paid for can make you feel very weird. At first, it almost destroyed our relationship until about one year in because I felt like a male whore literally because he was working so hard and I was not and he was paying for everything and I could not begin to match what he was paying for and what he was earning.
After a few fights about the unequal power differential, I threw myself into work and worked about 70 hours a week (including many 16 hour days) as a nursing assistant for about two months. Then the fights became about never being able to see each other. Eventually, that relented.
Sure, we had our fights and our learning curve and our adjustments, but we had so much support that we got through it. His ex-wife and family (2 kids and brothers/sisters + brothers/sisters spouses) were just so supportive because they saw that we were in it for love and really loved each other.
The quote from Queer as Folk really helps here, (something like) “It makes him happy to provide for you, so why deny him making your happy?” That has always been the quote I have lived by, and it really does make him happy to provide for me.
I think the biggest common thread is that I have always wanted to help people my entire life, and I am now in a position because of him where I can help people. We are both very active in volunteering and donating and I am very active in doing two or more hug fundraisers a year and also do graduate school to become a counselor and give back to the community. He makes this possible, and that is the main tie that keeps us together.
I always joke, “I’m a gold digger for charity;” because while I spend very little money on myself I will think nothing of dropping thousands of dollars a year (or more) on charitable causes.
tdx3fan
@dannyboy22: I think they come from a place where they think they know more than you, and sometimes they are really annoyed when they think they know more than you and they really do not. Sometimes they can dismiss your ideas and your knowledge and experience and sometimes that has disastrous results. It is then when you have to resist the urge to say “I told you so!” and harp on it.
The latest time is when my man decided to let his son use the cell phone data plan as his main internet source when he moved into his apartment although I told him to get cable internet right away. $3,000 later he realized how right I was and how wrong he was, and that was REALLY hard to not harp on. I simply told him, “Sometimes you dismiss my life experience because you think your life experience trumps mine, and you NEED to learn to listen to me more; because, sometimes I know what I am talking about.”
Tobi
@jd2222248: $1m+ 😉
Ladbrook
Older/younger or intergenerational relationships work best when two basic principles are acknowledged:
The older member shouldn’t automatically condescend to his younger partner on anything and everything that comes up (Daddy is not always right!).
The younger member of the pair needs to understand that older, settled men don’t like to be toyed with and can usually spot a loser who lies and manipulates. Grey hair doesn’t make us stupid… it makes us wise.
Blackceo
I am so appreciative for the relationship I had in college with a much older guy (I will not call him a Daddy). Obviously, there was a power differential based on age (I was 20 and he was 48 and ooo had so much sexy swag) and his place in life being established in his career and settled. He was dominant without being domineering. I learned so much from that relationship and it really saved me from the pitfalls I see other people make in their 20s when they are dating and in relationships.
GQ83
All daddy BS aside, I just think older men are sexy. 🙂
Blackceo
@GQ83:
Agreed. My fiance and I are in Puerto Rico now on vacation and visiting family and its the older men who have made my head turn more than the younger guys. There is just something so sexy about a seasoned older man with some sexy salt and pepper hair and who is well groomed and stays taking care of his body.
GQ83
@Blackceo: Yeah man that’s what’s up. I’m 31 so I don’t know if older men want younger than me or not, I just know that I’ve been looking at the sexy seasoned man lately. Hopefully I’ll be on your status one day. 🙂
McShane
You know what really gets my bear daddy all sorts of hot and bothered, when I wash the dishes and get the recycling out on time. Take his car to the dealer and get an oil change. Suprise him by paying off the credit cards. Buy a pound of his favorite peppered jerky. Mow the lawn and rake the driveway. Iron the dress shirts. Cold beer in the shower. Bleach the fancy towels and fold them the way he likes it. And bj’s, lots and lots of bj’s.
Oh, you are supposed to read this in a sexy voice.
dannyboy22
@tdx3fan: oh, that sounds less romantic. I kinda pride myself in being able to do and know a lot of different things. It would be very frustrating to have my opinion glossed over due to my age.
tdx3fan
@dannyboy22: Its just par for the course, and its not like it always happens. Its always fun on the turn around when he realizes you were right all along. In a lot of ways, because his life has been so very sheltered, he has less life experience than I do.
gryphen
I like younger guys because in some ways i’m still a kid at heart. I find them refreshing and willing to try new things. Plus there is an ego boost too. It’s nice to still be considered attractive to someone who’s in the prime of youth and beauty. If you can get past what others think about not getting each others jokes or the weird idea of it being some father/son fetish, then it can be something that builds upon each others needs. It should be a give and take for both guys and not just some situation where one person is being used for money or being used for sex.
tdh1980
I’ve always been partial to older men because for me there’s nothing sexier than a man of a certain age who’s taken care of both his physical and mental selves and exudes confidence about his age and place in life amidst a world and culture that exalts youth above all else. What has been interesting, however, is having guys 15 years younger than I am tell me that I’m the hottest “older guy” they’ve seen. I’m just shy of 35.
dannyboy22
@tdx3fan: when I was 19 I used to learn a lot from older man but always be scared of dating older men because of what others thought. Maybe it’s time I try it 🙂
Steve127
I never even realized I was condescending at times, had my ex-boyfriend communicated to me DURING our relationship that I did that he would not be my EX-boyfriend. It’s a personality flaw that I have and I could have explained that to him, We started speaking again (by this time it was too late) and he told me that it was something I did to him that really hurt and played a big part of our breakup. I apologized and told him that he should have told me this when we were together and it was something that was totally fixable. So boys remember one of the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS when you are in a relationship is COMMUNICATION!
chango
I find this all very problematic.
DaddyDeWaynesBoy
It all boils down to this, a Boy’s place is love and devotion to his Daddy. I respect my Daddy, he is wiser and more experienced than I am. A good Daddy will treat his boy with love and respect but boundaries are set for a reason, neither boy or Daddy will hurt or take advantage of each other. It is this trust that my Daddy DeWayne and practice every day. My advice to novice boys out there, never be afraid to ask Daddy for instructions, if he’s a loving Daddy he will give you the structure that you need. Boys, understand the difference between being obedient and giving up your rights.