Imagine a couple. Let’s call them Todd and Carl. They love one another like crazy and continue to be amazed at how much they have in common.
They work out together at the same gym, enjoy watching the same nerdy, sci-fi and fantasy series on Netflix, and share a love for Japanese and Korean food.
They seemed to effortlessly merge their groups of friends when they got together and share the same values when it comes to working hard and building their careers.
Although neither has popped the question yet, they’re likely heading toward marriage somewhere down the line. They love, trust and support each other.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Oh, and the sex? The sex is mind-blowing. It helps that Todd’s around 20% top and 80% bottom and Carl’s the opposite. They just click. They make that ridiculously cute couple that others envy.
Sounds good, right?
Except it never happened. Despite both catching each other’s attention on an app, Todd and Carl never went for that first date. They never made it to the bedroom stage, let alone realize that they both shared a dream of adopting a kid and trekking across South America one day.
See, Todd stated on his profile that he’s HIV positive. And when he messaged Carl, he wasn’t rude, but he simply responded, “Sorry, not quite what I’m looking for.”
And with that, a relationship that would have changed both their lives disappeared into the ether. Mr Right was pushed right back out of the door.
A few weeks ago, I wrote a story on Queerty about an HIV positive man who finds himself often – sometimes rudely – rejected on apps.
Related: HIV positive gay guys blocked on Grindr by guys on PrEP
Some of those who commented on the article appeared to feel attacked by the piece.
“It is insane to shame people for attempting to protect their own health,” said one.
“Everybody has the absolute right to make whatever decisions they want about their own sex life, period, full stop, no qualifiers,” said another.
Others agreed that everyone has the right to take responsibility for their sexual health and, for some, this includes not having sex with people who they know to be HIV positive.
I don’t disagree that everyone should take responsibility for their own sexual health. My purpose in writing this is merely to ask you to give a thought to the potential consequences of your particular decisions.
Related: If you meet Mr. Right and he turns out to be HIV-positive, he’s still Mr. Right
If someone is HIV positive, knows their status, is on effective medication and has consistently had an undetectable viral load, they cannot pass on the virus. PrEP is also widely available in the US and several other countries to prevent people from acquiring HIV. And condoms are also, of course, widely available.
I know a couple of long-term serodiscordant couples. A serodiscordant relationship is one in which one partner is HIV positive and one is HIV negative. Single myself, I look upon these relationships with awe. Not because of the HIV side of things, but just because I’m always impressed and inspired by any longterm couples.
I can’t imagine one without the other, or what would have happened if a fear of acquiring HIV, or a decision to reject someone for being HIV positive, had prevailed.
When friends go through bad break-ups, we console them by telling them there are plenty more fish in the sea. There is a presumption – perhaps even an arrogance – that we can just move on to the next guy and that he might be “the one.”
Well, you don’t meet many of “the ones” during life, actually. A survey by AARP last year found that “57% of gay men over the age of 45 are single compared to 39% of lesbians.”
There are many reasons for this, and yes, plenty of us are content being “self-partnered”, as actress Emma Watson recently put it. But many others are less happy at not being in a relationship.
So yes, take responsibility for your health and do what you feel is best for you. But do so with an awareness of the potential consequences of those decisions. Refusing to entertain the idea of dating an HIV-positive person might just mean you miss out on the love of your life.
If you find yourself single and contemplating why, bear in mind it might be because you blocked ‘Mr Right’ when you read he was HIV positive on Grindr.
Of course, some will say, “My perfect man doesn’t HIV!”. Well, I hope you’re not too old before you realize: Nobody’s perfect.
David Hudson is a freelance contributor to Queerty. @davidhudson_uk
Chrisk
Yikes. Nearly 60% of us are single over the age of 45. Not a good statistic.
Bob LaBlah
The stats are about the same for gay men in that age range who have no one to turn to in the event of an emergency (medical, financial..etc). Thats what happens when you get older and discover the only thing you have to look back at are sexual partners and not friends.
1898
that seems to be a deliberate choice for a lot of gay men though. most of the single guys i see on gay apps/sites have “friendship only, hookup/NSA” written in the “what i’m looking for” section of their profiles, indicating that they wish to remain single. i see fewer and fewer guys who are putting “dates and relationship” in that section. the rest are in open relationships or open marriages. i’m not saying that’s a bad thing or a good thing; it’s just an observation
Catholicslutbox
You lose the risk of getting HIV. Fair trade off me.
Stop trying to normalize hiv.
1898
@Catholicslutbox — you do NOT “lose the risk of getting HIV” by refusing to date people who are openly HIV positive, and if you don’t understand why that’s the case, you should probably attend a middle school sex ed class.
evanxx
I was “married” to a man for 20 years; he was HIV-neg, and I was diagnosed with AIDS in the 80s. When he passed away from heart disease, he was STILL HIV-negative.
_ I feel pity for those who have never experienced a physical, mental, & spiritual connection simultaneously with someone during sex.
Knowing that guys who have HIV, and are “undetectable” because of their HIV-medications pose ZERO risk of passing the virus to others, I would ONLY have sex with someone who is HIV-poz. People who are NOT on anti-viral medications are the most dangerous unless they get a full screening by a doctor (4 times a year). _ But how many do?
There are horrible STIs that scare me way more than HIV! Condoms are still absolutely necessary.
gymmuscleboy
Normalising HIV is not a good thing. HIV is a terrible disease that costs the individual/taxpayer dearly in money, heartache, and health outcomes over a lifetime. Some youth today have the attitude “It’s just HIV. If you get it, you can just go on medication and you’re fine”.
1898
i agree that normalizing it is not good, just as it would not be good to normalize diabetes or skin cancer, but it IS good to get rid of outdated stigmas and prejudices. it would be a lie to say that “you just go on medication and you’re fine” — obviously there’s much more to it than that. but it’s no longer a death sentence, and it is quite possible to be in a sexual relationship with an HIV+ person and not be putting your life or health at risk
Creamsicle
The virus is bad. The people who have it are not. There are people living with HIV who got it through blood transfusions, accidental contact with body fluids during medical treatment, and some who were born with it prior to the development of anti-virals effective enough to prevent the transmission of HIV from mother to fetus. People who contacted the virus through sex also don’t deserve to be looked down upon.
HIV is a virus. It is not Divine punishment nor a judgement of character. It will be a grand day when the WHO declares that there are no new infections, but that doesn’t mean that the people living with the virus are bad people or deserve to be pariahs, especially if they are responsible and in charge of their health.
Stigma does nothing to help. Only education, basic human decency and dignity will stop the spread of the virus. And yes it will be expensive. It was expensive to eradicate smallpox and polio too, but nobody claims that effort was a waste of time and resources that could continue to be hoarded by the top 1% of the population.
frankcar1965
Yes and all th fat pigs who have diabetes and heart disease should not be normalized either. You self hating gays are just one broken condom away from and just one “monogamous” partner away from HIV. I hope each and every one of you get infected. Hater Christians and hater gays, gotta love it!
Chrisk
Oh noes. This statement is literally…What will the children think!!!!!!!!!! Not every post about this needs the complimentary shaming.
I guess we should shame those with diabetes and heart disease as well. Hey they played a part in it and why should tax payers have to foot the bill.
1898
that’s literally what happens every time queerty posts an article that is in any way complimentary of guys who have a few extra pounds: the commenters shame the guys in the article for “glamorizing obesity” and then they shame queerty for “normalizing diabetes” or some such foolishness ?
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
It’s not the death sentence it once was. I know guys healthy and living with it for 20+ years. It thankfully has become a manageable chronic condition. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences but to keep a HIV + guy out of your potential matches eliminates your possible Mr. Right….
However the guys who indicate “bug chasing” on their profiles are simply insane…
tf3.0
Personally, I would rather miss out on ONE of Mr. Rights in my life in exchange for not having to purchase extremely expensive medicines, either Prep or Antivirals for active HIV.
Eventually, I want to not have to use a condom on a lover, and I would not want to risk catching HIV especially when the success rate for Prep is not 100%.
Rock-N-RollHS
@ tf3.0 Do you live in a cave? Know anything about how HIV works in this day and age, including the actual costs of HIV drugs with health insurance (nothing)?
No wonder Trump won–proud ignoramuses run rampant like rats on subway tracks
Brian S
You say it’s not a death sentence and maybe not. I have several friends who have been positive for a very, very long time. There is still a lot of illness and suffering because of HIV, like devastating drug side effects and medicines that stop working not to mention continued suffering from things like neuropathy. Lifelong suffering is sometimes worse than death. HIV is not something to take lightly.
maoriboy89
However other sexually transmitted infections and diseases have increased oddly enough while prep has been around, and it’s been found that 47% of those on prep have been found to no longer want to use condoms because “hey I can’t get HIV anymore”, this has aided the strength of infections that we assumed would die out like syphilis, and gonorrhea, now these viruses are incurable plus they have just found a new strain of HIV that’s immune to prep because some people have been misusing prep (these guys don’t remember to take there pills on the daily). That’s been the cause of more complications. So no, I’m not willing to take those chances since I have seen the worst of what HIV can do, watching family member slowly dying because the medication they were taking ended up destroying there vital organs.
Prep is new still today and we do not know the damage prep is doing to the body like we know what past HIV drugs have done, those drugs destroyed the body, how do we know prep is not doing the same?
gavo92
Yeah…OK
I know a lot of gay couples who don’t have HIV, like my and my boyfriend for example. We even know older couples in their mid 40s What is the point of this article?
Rock-N-RollHS
The point of the article is clear. Did you read it?
But, hey if you can have a b.f., guess anyone can, even those HIV positive. So that’s encouraging.
gavo92
I did read it, want to explain? If not stop replying to my post. Get a life.
Chrisk
gavo92
Apparently it went way over your head. “We don’t have it. Whats the point in talking about it for?”… Slaps forehead.
Here’s some advice. If you have nothing of value to add you don’t need to respond to every post.
gavo92
LOL Take your own advice. Let’s talk about how people got it. *Rolls EYES* Would be more useful.
atomicwanderer
My boyfriend is poz. I’m negative. He takes his medication faithfully and I’m on PreP. I don’t worry in the slightest. Science is wonderful.
chris_CA
….”because you blocked ‘Mr Right’ when you read he was HIV positive on Grindr.”
David: are you really trying to find ‘Mr. Right’ on Grindr? You are a freelance writer for a Gay magazine, you should know better ….
Brian
Right? People scroll past other people for reasons way more shallow than that. I’m sure we’ve all missed out on several Mr Rights throughout our lives because the context of where we met them.
Maybe guys should start bringing dating questionnaires to sex clubs just in case the guy anonymously pounding them through a gloryhole is Mr Right?
Josh447
Absolutely! He can fill it out while he’s getting pounded.
JamesY26
This is such extreme “whatifism” it’s insane. What if you didn’t get up now and walk to the store and bump into the man of your dreams, seriously what if RIGHT THIS SECOND reading this you didn’t get up and go out and meet someone. “Whatifism” could be applied to any choice any second of everyday, however, choosing NOT to have sex with someone who could *possibly* give you a deadly disease is considered a GOOD life choice not a bad one. Also, your title clearly says – SEX and not RELATIONSHIP. So, really, I think your point here is not to try and convince people to being open to having meaningful relationships with others but to shame fck people they don’t necessarily want to.
Politically_incorrect
i can personally vouch, as a HIV Negative guy who has had lovers and BF in LTR’S and provided you educate yourself, communicate with your partner their is no risk if they are virally supressed aka have an undetectable viral load and maintain it. Having said that, I am getting very annoyed at the dismissive attitude of those people who are either Poz, or have had a Poz partner towards those who are reluctant. People are entitled to make their own decisions, free from moralising lecturing about how hard it is to be HIV Poz. Most Poz guys are genuienly aware of how scary it may be at first for some people, so judging them iss no better than the judgement thier accused of doing and it just turns people away.
My biggest beef with the U=U campaign to reduce ‘stigma’, is that the information that is provided as evidence is heavily tilted towards people who are Poz, gives almost no indication on how a HIV Negative person can verify that their new partner is actually undetectable at the point in time sex is going to happen. Keep in mind, Gay guys tend to have sex early on and don’t wait, all the UVL U=U info is based on studies of couples who clearly have the opportunity to confidently know their sero-discordent partner is still has a UVL. Add to that, thanks to the hyper-focus of AID Councils on how BB sex is safe, it is no wonder many Poz guys develop an expectation that BB will happen straight away or early on at least and for good reasons, many Neg guys aren’t comfortable with that.
I would go so far as to say that if you are HIV Neg and want to stay that way, basing the decision on only the word of their new lover to have BB sex is highly risky. Yes i know the science, but i also know Gay men will do whatever is needed to get sex at times. Not saying they are all out to infect, or are reckless, however discrimination based on perceived self preservation is rational, no matter what others want to think (Stigma is not the appropriate word).
Statistically, HIV Poz men have higher rates of STI’s, higher rates of substance misuse than HIV Negative people. Also, while anyone could have the virus, the transmissions are largely from cohorts of men who like wild and frequent BB sex, of which they shouldn’t be judged, but nor should those who perceive those people as too risky. The big lie is that one which says that sero sorting doesn’t work at all. It does, if you also filter the men who’s sexual & general behavior is high risk, you exclude the high risk still neg and many of the Poz. Of the remainder, there is still a small risk however even if you base your decision on BB on his stated HIV Neg status and have excluded people with other high risk factors, getting HIV is statistically very very low.
To me, a better approach is practice sex with condoms, some Poz guys will roll their eye, until such time as the HIV Neg guy can be sure his partner is Undetectable. If you use Condoms, which despite the lies, when used properly are equally as protective as Prep plus you avoid other STI’s. Yelling at or criticising people when you don’t know their circumstances is not going to make discrimination of HIV Poz guys as partners go away nor will it educate and potentially change the minds of Neg guys.
Most of all, AIDS Councils need to provide better ways for those Neg guys not on Prep to be able to verifty thier partners status. Last time i checked, their is no truth enzime in HIV and like neg guys they lie, no more but no less
Also, to Poz guys Achieving an UVL is fantastic but the reward is your health and peace of mind, it is not the licence to demand, guilt or con Neg guys you barely know to just believe you at your word. Neg guys, get educated, be vigilant about your health but don’t let it prevent you having a great relationship I will also add, UVL as a status on a hookup app is commonly known to be code for I only do BB, even if not eveyone post that means it, that is how you are interpreted. Changing that might help remove stigma/Discrimination by actions speak much louder than moralising ‘You should sleep with Poz guys’ articles
djmcgamester
I’ve dated two men who were HIV+. The sex was mind-blowing and I mean that. The two best sexual partners I’ve ever had, even if the romance side didn’t work out. I don’t think there’s a connect but discounting them for that reason just seems wrong. It won’t kill you to wear a condom and you’re probably on PrEP anyway.
basedclownworld
Quit trying pass HIV off as normal. It’s a horrible disease that needs to be eradicated. Nobody cares how much faith you have in your tax funded medication, no person with a sane conscious wants to risk the infection and stigma. If you contracted HIV from birth or another means out of your control then I’m sorry for you. If you got HIV by carelessly sleeping around, reusing needles, or other bad choices, then you’ve only yourself to blame and you can’t shame others for not wanting to touch you with a 50 foot pole. The commenters on here zealously defending this are either out of their minds or suffering from HIV and want to spread the misery. HIV should have been quarantined decades ago so we didn’t have to fear accidental infection or outright lying partners. If you really want to fight HIV then stop trying to spread it, partner up with a fellow infected if you’re that lonely, and for the love of all we hold dear please don’t have kids and risk infecting them as well.