Can a person have gay sex and still identify as straight? According to a new article by the Guyliner at GQ, the answer is: Totally!
“It rather depends on what you think being gay means,” the Guyliner writes. “For most people, ask what ‘gay’ means to them and, if we’re talking about guys, they’ll say a man who has sex with other men.”
Related: At What Point Does A Person Stop Being “Bi-curious” And Just Become Bisexual?
This, the Guyliner says, is “a huge part” of being homosexual, but it’s not the only part. There’s a whole culture around being gay that doesn’t necessarily include getting naked with members of the same-sex. Reading Queerty, for instance. Or wearing designer underwear. Referring to one another as “girl,” categorizing one’s self as an animal, overusing the phrase “yaaaas.” The list goes on and on.
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“So if we remove the label of ‘gay’ from sex acts we traditionally assume are only the domain of gay men, does this mean you can take part in them and still be straight?” the Guyliner wonders.
Related: Straight Guys Reflect On Those Times They Had Gay Sex
To get to the bottom of things, the Guyliner asked three straight men who have all engaged NSA liaisons with other men in the past their thoughts on the matter. Here’s what they had to say…
James, age 28
Me and my mate would fool around but mainly he would do it to me. I wasn’t as interested in his cock as he was in mine, but I think we both got something out of it. I didn’t have a girlfriend yet and my mate was just discovering his sexuality and wanted to try. I always made it clear we weren’t in a relationship and that nobody should know. But I didn’t feel guilty and I think he was cool with it.
I’ve never been with a man since and I’m happily married now. I doubt I’d do it again as that would mean being unfaithful, but I consider myself straight. It’s fine to experiment; it’s a big part of finding out who you are.
Mark, age 28
I was in the couples room at Torture Garden [a fetish club in London] and a stranger gave me a blowjob. I was there with my girlfriend at the time and we’d both got pretty wild. I just didn’t really feel the desire to f*** him. I suppose it’s possible I might go further one day but I think it’s very unlikely. I almost never think men are attractive.
Why do I continue to identify as straight? I suppose it’s because I couldn’t imagine myself having a relationship with a man. In the same way I have gay friends who’ve f***ed women, but would never identify as bi, or worry they’re straight.
I think that ‘being gay’ or ‘being straight’ is about much more than some sexual contact.
Zac, age 25
I’d never really thought about being bi or gay. I’d only ever been with girls and had never really been sexually attracted to any guys.
When I was 20 a load of our sixth form year got together for a party. George was a guy from my year I’d known fairly well but never been close to. We were both fairly drunk and I remember just feeling happy to see him for the first time in ages and for some reason, knowing he was gay, I kissed him rather than hugging him. We chatted for a bit and then we both carried on with the night – not really thinking much about it.
Later on, we were both alone on the landing and he kissed me again. This time, for some reason, I didn’t really stop him and before long we were fully making out – we snuck into one of the bedrooms and one thing led to another.
I did enjoy myself. I suppose I’m quite a sexually liberal person and didn’t really think of it as being ‘gay’, it was just was fun and at the time I was enjoying it. We had sex, both oral and anal. I topped. I don’t think I’d have been comfortable with it the other way around.
So what can be made of all this?
“You as an individual get to decide how you label your sexuality, if at all,” the Guyliner concludes. “As long as nobody’s feelings are getting screwed over, you’re free to have sex with men or women at will and still call yourself straight. But it’s worth acknowledging that you’re merely a tourist.”
The Guyliner continues: “Having sex with a man doesn’t mean you’re gay, definitely not. You get to be who you want to be. But don’t forget the sacrifices your gay brothers make on a daily basis so you can have that freedom to choose. You get to go back to your privileged status in the world – we can only be us.”
Related: Ten Sexual Orientations Besides Gay, Straight Or Bi To Round Out Your Sexicon
h/t: GQ
Paco
I’ll still point out that these “straight” men are still having and enjoying homosexual sex just the same as gay and bisexual men. And yes you can call yourself whatever you want, even if your actions prove you are not what you are labeling yourself as, but don’t expect others to feed your delusional pretzel logic because you think gay only means snapping your fingers and saying – gurlll!!!
It would be interesting to know how many of these ‘straight’ men enjoying homosexual sex privately, then go to the voting booths to make the rest of us pay by voting against our rights, while they happily live their lives of straight privilege.
Hussain-TheCanadian
My first sexual encounter was with a female; I also had sex with a straight friend who wanted to try it out. I’m still gay and he’s still straight.
So I agree, to try something (for whatever reason) is one thing, and to be biologically and psychologically attuned to one gender over the other, is another.
DDstar1me
Is it me? or, is every retelling of the so called “accidental” encounter str8 men have with another man is somehow a fault of being too drunk. LOL…
MikeE
the problem is that being gay has nothing to do with “culture”.
Hussain has it right in that it’s biologically and psychologically attuned to one gender over the other.
you can be gay and do all the things the straight boys do (obviously other than screw women).
And lord knows I’ve met a ton of straight guys who are into all the clichéd “gay” things that interest almost none of my gay friends.
culture is activities, it’s a choice, it’s a lifestyle.
being gay is none of those things.
eddyjrsf
This isn’t new. Straight men have been having sex with men, straight and/or gay, for centuries. In some cultures it’s silently accepted, based on the “needs of men”, especially when there aren’t women around. The two most active are Latinos and Middle Eastern men.
DDstar1me
@Paco…I’m somewhat inclined to believe your theory. LOL.
Bascha
It’s one thing if you randomly get a blowjob from a guy at a sex club, or let your friend jerk you off, but if you have full on sex with another man and enjoy it, you’re at least bi. You don’t have to identify with gay culture, I’m gay and I sure as hell don’t for the most part, but if you fully enjoy having sex with someone of the same sex, you’re at least bisexual. All this nonsense with no labels is really quite ridiculous. You’re either straight, gay, or bi. Being “fluid” is nonsense, it’s just bisexual. You like both sexes. That’s all. There’s no shame in it, but it is a fact of your person.
jheryn
@Paco: I don’t think any of those straight guys think that “gay ONLY means snapping your fingers and saying – gurlll!!!” I think they are saying being gay is more than just having sex with another guy.
I have a friend, Elliot, who used to have sex with men on occasion but never even considered himself even bi. He would say he was straight. He is divorced with kids now and still considers himself straight. We were golfing last year and I asked him about one of the guys he had sex with and would he have sex with a guy again. He said “Yeah, but I could never be in a relationship with one. Just not my thing.”
So I think there are legitimate straight men who occasionally pinch hit for the other team.
Paco
@jheryn: So on the flip side… Being straight is more than only sleeping with women?
Twist the definitions all you want. Straight means only heterosexual, and gay means only homosexual. Not sometimes for either. That would be bisexual. This thing about only tying your identity to which sex you could romantically have feelings for is a cop out. Many, many gay men have proven that to be false by only having non-romantic sex devoid of any feelings other than the physical.
Once again the “no labels” crowd ardently defend the straight label and make excuses for it while trashing the non-default labels (gay and bisexual) that carry no privilege. No labels except that straight one.
We should all call ourselves straight and see what new label these closet cases come up with to make sure they separately identify themselves from us while they continue enjoying the same homosexual sex as we do.
PolishBear
Defining “Gay” and “Straight” is a little complicated, and it depends on who you ask. There are Straight guys who have wives and girlfriends and even kids, who form their most intimate emotional connections with women, and who LOVE women, but they still enjoy having recreational sex with other men.
If you are a guy, and a handsome man turns your head, but equally beautiful women don’t, you’re probably Gay. If you only have erotic or romantic dreams about people of the same sex as yourself, you’re probably Gay.
Paco
Honestly, I would love to hear more about the, out and proud, gay identifying men that regularly have recreational heterosexual sex just for fun. Why is it so rare to hear from them? What’s up with that? Is it only a one way street of straight going gay just to get off?
Tobi
@Paco: Interesting point!!
DDstar1me
I think the world puts a lot of pressure on masculinity and all it’s characteristics. It’s about acceptance for many straight men. It’s funny Paco, I believe most straight men would subscribe to your arguments on labels. After all, having a label is why str8 men feel the need to conceal these feels about their sexual encounters with men.
Hussain-TheCanadian
@Paco: No I think labels do exist because they are legitimate; however I don’t find woman sexually attractive, arousing, or coveting. I only have erotic, romance fantasies, and dreams about men.
Would you consider me straight or Bi?
I had sex with two woman in my teen years, I wanted to change my sexuality, obviously couldn’t – but had some fun, after all it is sex, it wast satisfying or full-fulling in anyway – besides, during sex, i had to think i wast screwing tom cruise (circa top gun) just to get it up.
So there are alot of things these stories we read about don’t include, so we have to be careful in not being absolutists. If I said to you that I have been having sex to woman all my life, enjoying it, then having sex with men, also enjoying it, but im not really Bi, im straight, because I don’t think about men romantically or erotically, I’d bullsh*t right here.
Tobi
I think part of the issue is conflating identity with what one is capable of sexually. I remember watching a programme years back, where a porn star and an escort were both exclusively heterosexual in their private lives but perfectly happy to have gay sex for money. I recall laughing out loud because one confessed he could “get it up for soup” and the other said that he got hard “looking at sports cars”.
bottom250
I am there for these men when their wives won’t give them oral or anal. My holes are filled by them.
ErikO
LOL none of these men are actually hetero/straight even if they want to pretend that they are. If they were really hetero/straight and not bisexual or even gay they wouldn’t have had sex with a man or someone of the same sex at all.
ErikO
@PolishBear: No they’re not straight/hetero, they’re bisexual. If they were really hetero/straight they would not be having sex with men at all. Hetero worship… so much pride and self love (rolls eyes). But a lot of queens need the fantasy that they’re with a real straight/hetero guy and the so called gay/LGBT community has not changed much in over 50 years or so.
tomk1of1
Gay identified,I think,to me is more a romantic and or spiritual state.
I had sex with woman. I’m not str8.
Homosexual and heterosexual behavior and labels of gay and str8 are different.
Now…if you are romantically attracted to men,and see them as someone you could “nest” with,then it is a different thing. Same with women. I think the main difference is who you are drawn to romantically.
Hussain-TheCanadian
@Hussain-TheCanadian: “I’d call* bullsh*t right here”***
Paco
@ErikO: I think some gay men intentionally muddy the waters to keep the fantasy alive. Most of us probably started at the default of identifying as ‘straight’ early on before maturing enough to come out as our true selves without ever looking back at another women in a sexual way. I highly doubt these ‘straight’ men, that regularly enjoy homosexual sex and say they are still straight because there are no romantic feelings, are ever open about their regularly occurring homosexual dalliances. Their heterosexual buddies would automatically label hem as gay. They are still in a closet.
Brian
Straight and gay are terms of choice. They are chosen identities.
I’ve met lots of guys who choose to identify as straight but who are open to same-sex sessions. I’ve met them at bars in particular. This is the ideal environment as the alcohol has lubricated the brain cells and loosened the inhibitions.
But it has to be the bar or it has to be in predominantly male surroundings. Once women enter the picture, the man’s inner homophobic instincts come into play and he is no longer as keen. These men are keenly aware of the hostility that women feel towards male homosexual feelings in men who are also attracted to women.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
In this indentifarian culture you *are*whatever you *really*’believe you are whether that’s being *really* woman, or a *really* six-year-old girl, or *really* black, or *really* a cat….and we’re gonna crucify these guys for claiming straight? Fuck outta here.
Hank
there is a thing called experimentation, which is something that straights and gays can do to know if they like it or not.
Another situation are bisexuals not wanting to assume as such because they do not want to pay the price that gays pay.
I think the matter does not mention that actually ‘gay’ is a euphemism for effeminate.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
[song] Gay men loooooooove straight guys. They are obsessed with straight guuuuuuyyyyyyyys. Obsessed. Lustful and creeeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyy. Gay men looooooooove straight guuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyys. It’s saaaaaad. No self-esteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem.
And, song.
Thank you. I hope you all enjoyed my straight man song as much as I enjoyed writing it.
bottom250
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey: Straight men love us gay men. When the wives are away the men will play.
Brian
Straight-identifying guys are the best in bed. I met an ex-con once at a gay bar. He told me he had not done this before and was rather nervous. He was the second-best kisser I’ve ever had.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
@bottom250: you’re a prostitute. You have no morals and probable STD’s. Or, at least soon. Which is good.
surreal33
There is love/hate relationship between gay and straight men. Gay men love straight men because they best in bed (none of that girlie bullshit) super hot sex!
On the other hand gay men hate straight men because straight men can interact with society undetectable as gay. Whereas fembot queens are painfully obvious as gay.
SumSay
@Paco: Are you actively looking? Because there are certainly stories of exclusively homosexual men that enjoy sex with women every once in awhile. Check the subreddits and the forums, they’re there. You might be even surprised that some enjoy it more than you think. Their experience and feelings about it almost mirror how straight men feel about sex with gay men (“it’s nice, but not really my thing”, etc. etc.) Why not so many? It’s because it’s not all the rage at the parties (for gay men or straight women). Not enough interest from both sides.
CaliKyle
@Paco: I’m “out and proud” (never was in or ashamed, in fact) and have enjoyed lots of pleasurable sex with girls in my recent past – mostly in college and through my mid-20s. I am gay, not bisexual. I’m inherently both sexually and romantically attracted to males. I developed a purely sexual attraction to females – albeit one not as strong as my attraction to males – right before I started college just over a decade ago. While I have had several wonderful friends with benefits relationships with women, I’ve never felt even an inkling of a romantic or intimate attraction to any female. Only to males. I think it is inaccurate and not terribly useful to define a person’s orientation based mostly or solely on the gender of some of one’s sexual partners. I could live the rest of my life without ever having sex with another woman and would not care one way or the other. Passing it up would never amount to anything more than a missed opportunity to get off with someone who I find sexy but not as much as a guy Im attracted to – on the other hand, I could not live my life without loving and penetrating boys. Never. So, gay not bi and the same logic but reverse genders applies to straight guys.
CaliKyle
@Brian: Its very possible your ex con lied about his first time status or you must either mostly or exclusively bottom if he was one of your best. Straight identifying boy first time bottoming is an interesting experience but not one likely to be a best sex experience. Weed and poppers only go so far in relaxing curious straight guys.
Paco
@surreal33: oh I see now. The closet cases went from calling themselves “straight acting” to just calling themselves “straight”. Thanks for clearing that up. And yes they are closet cases about having homosexual sex. I bet none are open about it to their hetero buddies, because their buddies would be the first to call B.S. with the whole straight but having homosexual sex and call them gay.
Keep that closet alive.
Brian
@CaliKyle: We simply kissed in the glint. One always remembers those moments. They are imprinted in the forever kaleidoscope of an eventful life. In my mind’s eye I am still there.
Paco
@CaliKyle: I asked Google if straight men really do love sex with gay men or if it was just a gay fantasy, and it directed me to Queerty. LOL! I guess that answer was going to be obvious.
darkanser
@MikeE: Then again, there are gay identifying men who can function sexually with women. I suppose they’re actually bisexual while identifying as gay. There’s a whole continuum of sexuality.
bottom250
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey: Honey I am no prostitute for loving sex. I am a proud effeminate gay man.
Steve318
You can build a thousand bridges and may never be considered an engineer. But suck one dick and you’re gay forever. That’s bullshit is slowly going away, as people realize that sex is just sex, and who cares who you have it with as long as it’s consensual and age appropriate. We know it, hopefully the world is getting to know it.
BillSam
@Paco: Brilliant post, my friend!
BillSam
“Having sex with a man doesn’t mean you’re gay, definitely not.”
Oh, please! These “straight” guys are at least bisexual. They can’t see themselves as having a relationship or marriages with men because then everyone would know they like guys. This is just a case of internalized homophobia at play. They try to disassociate themselves from gay men because of guilt and shame, and/or because they think all gay men are stereotypical and they can’t identity with them.
And that idiot gay therapist Joe Kort hasn’t helped matters by constantly writing about the thousand and thousands of “straight” men he treats who are out there having sex with other other straight men! Give me a break!
And why is GQ writing about this nonsense!
Tobi
@Paco: If we’re going to use labels then shouldn’t they at least be helpful? If a guy tells you he’s bisexual do you really want that to cover the same thing as a man who is open equally to sex and a relationship with any gender as well as the bloke who ninety-nine-times-out-of-a-hundred would choose a woman but if there isn’t one around, he’s happy to receive a blow job from a guy?
Brian
“Bisexual” is a fraudulent word because it suggests one is attracted to men and women simultaneously.
BillSam
@Tobi: Interesting point, but bisexual men generally run the gamut you describe, or at least say they do. Besides, does the latter type of bisexual man you describe actually exist in huge numbers, or do they “prefer” women because they’re ashamed of their gay feelings? And do these men actually outnumber the bi-identified guys who could be married to either a man or a woman?
Paco
@Steve318: If it’s bullshit and sex is just sex, then why do they keep their homosexual desires hidden in the closet while declaring their straightness? Why not make it true that sex is just sex and be open about it instead of treating it like it is shameful?
Same old closets being used to help invalidate homosexuality as being normal.
Paco
@Tobi: I have had many gay men that only wanted sex and nothing else. Why should it be any different with a bisexual? If a man is having sex with me, he is not straight and whether or not he would want a relationship doesn’t change the fact that he would be a male having homosexual sex. That is not straight in my book.
Paco
@BillSam: Yea and rather convenient that the GQ article doesn’t welcome comments. I would love to read the responses from the real straight guys about how much they are loving gay sex.
Dave Downunder
What a ridiculous article. The headline states ‘Straight Guys Sound Off On All The Men They’ve Slept With (And Why They’re Still Straight)”. They interviewed three guys two of whom are obviously bi. Hardly a representation of the wider straight male community.
ErikO
@Brian: No it doesn’t. Where do you come up with this BS? A lot of bisexual people are like me and we can have partnerships/romance with both sexes and have sexual attraction that’s pretty equal to both sexes; but not all bisexuals are like this and it does not make someone more “bisexual” just because they do fall in love and have partnerships with both genders/sexes, versus someone who is bisexual that wants only sex with one or both genders/sexes.
ErikO
@Tobi: I’m sorry you got your heart broken by a bisexual but that’s not my fault or problem, and it was not me. But keep in mind that, the majority of gay men are just into NSA sex/hook ups and just want to have sex with a man and then move onto the next one. So many men so little time is their mentality but not much has changed within the so called gay men’s community in 40+ years.
CaliKyle
@Paco: Some genuinely straight males have had pleasurable sexual experiences with other males, plain and simple. What does a fake, facetious google search have to do with that fact? Absolutely nothing.
chrislic
What I don’t like about this is that it seems once straight guys decide it’s ok to do some gay stuff then it’s fine ( but I wasn’t ok before for a gay man to have sex with a man). Also, as some mentioned already, voting against rights of gay people or being prejudiced after secretly hooking up with another man.
Brian
@ErikO: I am not resiling from the notion that “bisexual” is a fraudulent term. What I mean by this is that it is imprecise and misleading.
drelocks15
This site really cares what straight guys think. It’s a little obsessive. And by a little, I mean a real lot.
Paco
@CaliKyle: Actuallly quite it bit. It means Queerty is more obsessed about bagging a “straight” guy, than any straight guy oriented site is about satisfying Queerty’s lust for them.
DCguy
@PolishBear: stated : Defining “Gay” and “Straight” is a little complicated, and it depends on who you ask. There are Straight guys who have wives and girlfriends and even kids, who form their most intimate emotional connections with women, and who LOVE women, but they still enjoy having recreational sex with other men.
———————————
No, it means that they are gay or bi and self hating enough to refuse to admit it.
Just another in the continuing stream of articles on here disturbingly obsessed with closet cases.
jdboston617
I think these articles and discussions are hilarious.
50% sexual fantasy and 50% of gay men looking for validation of some kind.
Please stop looking outside. We are queer and that’s a fact. Let’s move on and support each other. I don’t give a sh*t what straight people think. Why do you care? Release the doubt, the shame, and be the person who you were born to be.
Tobi
@ErikO: Yeah, you’re right, I forgot about all those gay sluts, my bad.
Tobi
@BillSam: I believe Eskimos have 50 words for snow. I guess we just need to add another 38 letters to LGBTQQIP2SAA+ 😉
CWM85
Straight men who willingly engage in gay sex are not straight. Queerty you guys are stupid. What is the I.Q. of the writers on this site?
OzJosh
The examples above are not typical of the vast number of “straight” and “bi-curious” (and, my favourite, “first timers”) you find these days on Craigslist, Grindr and any other gay hook-up site. You’ll see “straight” and “bi-curious” and “first-timer” guys who have been posting daily for five years, and presumably hooking up regularly in that time. Meet these guys and you’ll discover that they almost exclusively have sex with men. The wives and girlfriends in their lives are either distant memories or complete illusions. They are “straight” only in the sense that they think they’re masculine enough not to seem gay to anyone – and a good percentage of them are wrong about that too. In short, it’s nothing more than good old-fashioned internalised homophobia. And I really just want these guys to know that they’re not fooling anyone but themselves.
Sansacro
@Paco: 1) I know gay-identified men who have had periodic sex with women. But QTY editors/readers don’t want to report/hear those stories because I guess it’s not a turn on. Further, such men, are viewed with distrust, unfairly and unfortunately.
2) I have fooled around with women at parties and gay clubs, but I am definitely gay. And I would do it again, especially with another guy. so . . . still gay, but that’s me.
3) A person can have physiological response to another person (or animal, even). especially when young. That physiological response does not constitute an identity or life-long pattern. I have fooled around with straight men but their response to women is much stronger and deeper. They are as powerfully drawn to women as I am to men. But, they still were able to get off with a man, as I was with a women.
4) Heterosexuality is definitely privileged, so more gay men try str8 sex because of social pressure, and straight men with bi-tendencies avoid trying it due to the stigma (though that seems to be changing a bit in the West).
5) Finally, I think most people have the physical, if not emotional, potential to be bisexual. But gay men–a minority of the population–are understandably defensive about it because of the pain and oppression we have suffered as young boys and men because we fell in love with, and were powerfully attracted to, the same sex. (I know I did, and am, despite my sexual experiences with women.) We had no choice.
Sansacro
@OzJosh: Also true.
dustashed
@Sansacro:
Somewhat the same, I mean i’d have sex with a girl if the opportunity is served on a silver platter, but I won’t go around chasing it. I still strongly identify as gay.
Maybe it is the same for guys who maybe just want to have a “tour” on the gay side of things and not necessarily want to identify with it.
I believe there are way more straight guys who might have had a bicurious thought cross their mind at one point but never act out on it given that A) it is really not their “thing” and B) the possible repercussions are not worth it to them when weighed against the “degree” of their desire.
I mean I would be “ok” having sex with a girl, but i won’t be bothered having to exert the effort of finding a potential bedmate when grindr gives me so many more choices of my actual preferred gender. It’s like you are in a buffet of “man” dishes, and the “woman” dish is something extra you had to pay for.. it does not make sense for you to buy the extra (which you are just ok with) when you have your favorite dish free and part of the buffet.
Maybe it’s the same for the majority of “relatively straight guys”, if all the stars aligned they would experiment but it is not something they would actively chase after given their degree of desire for it is not as substantial as ours.