LYNCHED MOB

The 2011 Emmy Awards Were Gayer Than The Oscars

Amazingly, the 2011 Emmys wrapped up on time (but still felt overlong). To save you an evening’s worth of uneven moments, we’ve condensed three hours of Hollywood backslapping to its most homosexualish watercooler talking points:

* Alan Cumming shows up in a black tux jacket and bright red floral pants. But that happens before the show, so it only counts as red carpet gayness. Either way, as a move, it’s pretty good. Give the man his peacock cred.

*An opening song-and-dance clip starring host Jane Lynch that begins with Leonard Nimoy calling Lynch “mannish” (she’s fine with it) and segues into Rex Lee from Entourage dancing with Jeremy Piven.

*Modern Family (quite gay) and Downton Abbey (technically somewhat less gay, but with period costumes so basically just as gay) win everything.

*Joining his TV wife/Supporting Actress winner Julie Bowen, MF‘s Ty Burrell takes home Supporting Actor  award, leaving his out co-star Jessie Tyler Ferguson as an also-ran. But both executive producer Christopher Lloyd and writer Jeffrey Richman thank their partners.

*Did Big Bang Theory‘s Jim Parsons come out yet? Everyone talks about him being gay, but he hasn’t really said either way. But he wins his second award for lead role in a comedy.

*Jane Lynch makes one boring lesbian joke and one awesome lesbian joke: The boring one namechecks Rachel Maddow, fannypacks and changing her own oil. The awesome one involves introducing the cast of Entourage and calling them reason she’s not into men.

*Lonely Island mash up all their nominated songs, including the one about having a threeway (see clip above of the show’s hands-down best three minutes). During the extravagant production number which includes gyrating male dancers dressed as water and Michael Bolton dressed as a pirate, the Lonely Island men descend into the audience to freak William H. Macy. That’s man/man/man-on-man freaking. Almost a fourgy.

*Remember the original 1980 version of Fame and its lone gay character? The actor’s name is Paul McCrane. He was the frizzy haired kid who gets taken to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Anyway, then he went on to be the mean baldie doc on E.R. He presents the Emmy to Martin Scorcese for directing Boardwalk Empire, beating gay director Jeremy Podeswa in the same category.

*Chris Colfer’s date: his mom. Such a nice boy.

*Todd Haynes’s excellent Mildred Pierce miniseries upsets the Downton Abbey streak and gives Best Actress to Kate Winslet. She’s now a Tony Award away from EGOT status.

*Modern Family‘s co-creator Steven Levitan catches the most earnest pop-up fly of the evening in his acceptance speech, telling the story of running into a gay couple —who thanked him for making America more tolerant—and turning it into a joke about making the world safer for couples comprised of old men and hot younger women.

*Glee shut-out, notwitstanding an earlier, non-televised win for Gwyneth Paltrow, who won for Best Guest Actress in a Comedy Series. Sadly there was no award for Best Abs in a Bizarre Midriff Dress.

And that’s a wrap. For a list of all the winners, check out the Emmys website.