Are there things you wish you’d known before you got into your first gay relationship?
That’s the subject of a recent post on Reddit that has prompted hundreds of responses.
“Generally speaking, what are some things that every young gay person should know going into their first relationship?”, asked the original poster (@MCsinister765) in the gaybros subreddit.
Many of the responses could apply to anyone, regardless of sexuality. Others were particular to gay men. Here are ten of the best, most well-liked answers.
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1. “Don’t be blind by infatuation,” said one (@DisconnectedDays). Others felt this can be something LGBTQ are particularly prone to if they’ve spent time in the closet during their formative years
“A lot of LGBTQ folks can come out of the closet and dive straight into the idea of relationships and romance and intimacy that we formed in our heads rather than what’s real,” agreed @PhiloPhocion. This can manifest as, “Ignoring red flags, putting up with things you wouldn’t normally, or sometimes even almost the reverse and having unrealistic expectations on the perfect meet or the perfect person.”
2. “I regret every minute I spent chasing guys,” chipped in @zanmato1109. “Every time I’ve had a successful relationship, there was mutual interest from the get-go. I never pulled off the romantic movie story arc where I developed a crush on someone uninterested in me, heroically demonstrated my worth to them, and then had them suddenly start loving me … all I did was waste time I could have spent on people who actually cared for me or time I could have spent working on myself.”
3. “Be honest, with yourself and the other person,” offered @kylekatarn00. “Don’t let an image or perception dictate you or your relationship. Know and respect each other’s boundaries and take things slow.”
4. “In ten years you’re going to look back at yourself as naive no matter the outcome of the date,” suggested @Gvt_Surveillance_Van. “Have fun, be safe, treat them with respect, communicate, don’t tolerate others taking advantage of your kindness, communicate, listen, experiment, communicate. Don’t forget about your friends/support system. Your partner will never be your ‘everything’ and you need friends/family for support too.”
Related: Older gay gentlemen offer 15 life lessons to their younger gay counterparts
5. “Learn to de-escalate,” offered @DrAldrin for anyone entering a relationship. “I ask my mom why my parents have a good relationship. She said when one is mad the other tries to keep calm. A lot of things are said and done in the heat of the moment, but things are handled easier when no one is fighting.”
6. “The guy who wants to fuck you raw and swears he just got tested? He’s probably lying to you,” says @kt99_. This comment prompted many responses, with most in agreement. It may sound harsh, but the important point to take away is to always take responsibility for your own sexual health, and not to go on the word of others.
7. “Jealousy isn’t healthy or romantic. It’s toxic, and when it gets unchecked it can lead to violence,” cautioned @jamesfluker. He also contributed the important reminder: “You don’t have to agree with them all the time – but you should share common values that connect you.”
Related: Teen loses his virginity to a Grindr catfish and ends up fleeing in tears
8. Many reiterated the importance of establishing boundaries. “Doesn’t matter what other people say about your relationship. Doesn’t matter what other people do in their relationship. What matters is your personal boundaries and that of your partner,” said @childof_jupiter. “Gay dating is more ‘confusing’ than straight dating because we don’t grow up seeing the rituals of courtship like straight people do. It’s a constant work in progress but you should have fun with it because you also have less restrictions about what it can look like.”
9. “If anything at all makes you think twice, listen to it. Real life is not a movie where you can just recklessly get into your first relationship, and get to go into happily ever after,” said @geekbot74.
10. “Take care of yourself (PrEP, condoms), be patient, know your limits/boundaries, communicate, and try not to be too harsh on yourself. You’ll make mistakes [but] it’s important to learn from them than feel ashamed/embarrassed,” summarized @MelbTwinkCuck. He was one of several commentators to mention PrEP as a means to protect one’s self from acquiring HIV.
What advice would you give to a gay person entering their first relationship?
radiooutmike
One thing I learned is that you can write your own rules. You really don’t have to follow the hetero-normative script.
ryeguypdx
I would try to convey that it’s okay if you get your heart broken. Statistically, you’re probably going to get your heart broken. It’s an intense pain that’s akin to grief, it’s all-encompassing, and it’s totally fine because it passes in time and it makes you a better person. It might actually be the point.
Along those lines, there are so many fish in the sea. Even if he was your soul mate, you can have many soul mates in your life. 20’s, 30’s, 40s, so on. Don’t get hung up for long.
I’d also convey that, for most people, anal sex is complicated, and needs a lot of practice, trial and error, and even planning. This is especially true for bottoms. Shake it off, try again, and find what works.
Openminded
Sorry, but to read “shake it off” immediately after your comment about potential issues bottoms can have, just made me giggle.
JJinAus
As above. You don’t conform to “normal” society. Make your own life. There are no gender stereotypes. It pains me to say this, but you are probably both mentally damaged by your experiences. If not, great, but if you are, you have to make a life with all your scars.
oBose
Be yourself. Set aside preconceptions and stereotypes. Listen carefully, yet open to the possibilities.
Back in the days of newspaper personal ads (mid-90s), I got a few replies to my quirky ad leading to quickly-terminated coffee dates. (Best example: 30-y/o guy, not at all the physique he described, admitting that we could go back to his place… with a private entrance to his lower-level apartment and the not-quite-ex wife and kids on the main floor.)
And yet, quirky phone conversations played out with BK, another respondent. Zero neediness or pressure between us. Playfully random humor and nonsense talk. I was newly out with my barely-inked divorce in my mid-30s, he had blasted out of the closet as a teen 20 years earlier.
We decided to break all the first-date rules by paddling his canoe around a small lake 30 miles away… no easy escape hatch, but leaving the option to abort open, judgment-free. Instead of a worst-case scenario, we kept stretching the conversation at the lake, escape-option free. Coming back to my place, late afternoon, I offered to grill up a couple of pork chops and chop up a salad, which he answered with, dude, I’m too sweaty, but i can go home, shower and come back.
The next morning, after an amazingly mind-bending night, I said, “I think my life just changed.” He agreed, on his way out.
We made it work for most of 2 years, interconnecting our families and holiday travels. My thought for first-daters is just to be open to whatever might come, because there might be a balance b/t what might be awful vs awesome… just be present, OK?
winemaker
All great responses to say the least. That said, how many of us see ourselves here getting up the courage to meet someone and worried about possible rejection? Yet many of us always end up giving more than we got or get to hopefully see the other person open up and reciprocate affection? Sadly too many gay men have intimacy issues play it cool and aloof and have unresolved drama making them unable to get close to someone who’s given the signs they’re interested in you. Many gay men play endless mind games that often result in endless hookups that for the most part are a meaningless waste of emotions and leave both parties unfulfilled.
CityguyUSA
PreP is BS! Use a condom.
Consider This
WHY do you say PreP is BS?
Openminded
Don’t know why you think Prep is BS. Might be better to recommend Prep for AIDS protection AND a Condom for other STD protections. Especially with “new” dates until you can positively establish disease free status.
Doug
You can’t change anyone, only yourself. I can agree wholeheartedly with No. 2, and I wasted a great deal of my life thinking I could stop someone from drinking or using drugs with “true love.” Now that I finally understand that, I’d do anything to have those years back, they really screwed up my self-esteem for awhile.
BigTX
I really like and appreciate this article. I am actually an older person who has just started dating men this year (I was married to a woman for almost 30 years before she passed away almost four years ago). It is hard in these streets! I have come across so many guys that think I’m going to be a sugardaddy, they are just plain immature, and will ghost you in a second. I have learned to set boundaries, which is why me and a guy that I talked to, and had some fun with ?, for two months didn’t work out. He thought I was going to pay for every date and was so immature (he was 40!). I had to turn him loose. Like they say, I can do bad by myself.
eeebee333
The thing I wish I had known before I got into a relationship is that I was not cut out to be in one.
Huron132
Oh my gosh I totally agree with you. I was not a good partner. I didn’t know how to be. I had no one or couple to show me what was a real ship. I became codependent with codependent men. I let them help me spend all of my money against my better judgement. I was miserable and the were too. I waited for them to leave me and blamed them. It took me some 30 years to learn. Finally I learned to love me. I so happy now.
Joshooeerr
The first person who loves you back isn’t necessarily “the one”. So many gay guys have spent years of their adolescence and/or years in the closet feeling awfully alone, denied of any reciprocal love and care. Then they’ll pin all their hopes on the first thing that feels like a viable relationship, even if there is much that doesn’t work about it. And even if they’re really not ready for a real relationship. Go slow, don’t be too eager to commit. There’s plenty of time.