Perhaps one day, society won’t be heteronormative, homophobia will be a thing of the past, and masculinity won’t be fragile. But in the meantime, in the world that exists now, some queer guys say they find it challenging befriending hetero dudes.
On Reddit, one user recently reflected that he “always [has] a hard time making straight male friends,” and not just because he likes pop music and dislikes bro-friendly video games like the Call of Duty or FIFA titles.
“The root of the problem is that I always feel like I’m gonna end up making them uncomfortable. I want to think that I’m not dramatic per se, but I do have anxiety and depression and am a bit of a high maintenance friend, if I’m being honest. I just tend to talk about my problems to my friends a bit too often, and in the culture I live in straight guys are not used to dealing with that stuff and usually don’t know what to say,” he added. “I also worry that if I ever invite one to my house they might feel like I’m gonna get sexual with them and they could not feel comfortable near me. Furthermore, I’m scared that I could cry or something if something bad happened or they made a cruel joke or something.”
Related: If you feel nervous around straight people, you’re not alone
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Plenty of Reddit users could relate, while others said they have no trouble being buddy-buddy with their straight brethren. Here’s a smattering of responses, condensed edited for readability.
“Honestly, same. I’ve always somehow ended up in female or gay circles (or both). I’ve realized few months ago that I’m legitimately afraid of straight men. Like, will my interests ‘out’ me? Will my opinions ‘out’ me? What will be their opinion of me if they figure it out? Will they think I’m hitting on them? Will they get violent because of that?”
“I used to feel that way a bit more when I was younger. But I don’t really feel that way anymore. And I’ll be completely honest about why I think that is: As I’ve grown up — I’m in my 30s now — I’ve become much more masculine in both appearance and mannerisms than I was back then.”
“I also have hard time making friendship with straight guys whose personality is just talking about football and girls. But my close friend is a straight guy, and we have so many things in common, so don’t give up yet. He is comfortable in his sexuality. So am I. We poke fun at each other sometimes about it, and that’s it! I really do feel lucky to have a straight friend whose sexuality is not fragile or threatened when he’s hanging around a gay guy, so it is 100% possible for you to find someone like that, too!”
“I’m the same way with straight guys. I always find that they basically want me to be their girlfriend but without the sex. Like, they want to vent all of their problems to me and have me be supportive and caring of them, but they never do it back, and they never invite me to hang out with their ‘boys,’ because, well, they don’t see me as a boy.”
Related: Gay Redditor wonders if he’s the only one not into straight guys
“Same for me as well. I am closeted but seem to have a gay vibe or something. A lot of straight guys seem to be bothered with me before knowing anything about me. I noticed a lot of this at work. Especially when I am the new guy, there are always some of the more insecure guys who act immediately irritated with me when we first meet.”
“It seems like straight guys are very sensitive to even a slightly fem guy. I do think that the insecurities are largely on the part of the straight guys. Many of them seem terrified of being seen as less manly in any way and have few close friends because of this. Few of them have the confidence with themselves to be seen talking to a gay guy.”
“Straight men typically intimidate me. I have almost no straight male friends because I find it hard to trust them. And even if they are not homophobic at all, they will say little things here and there that make me uncomfortable. It’s not fair, and I’m working on it. But it is what it is. There’s a lot of trauma from straight guys we often end up needing to unpack before we can make progress in this area.”
Donston
I have one straight male friendship that sustained throughout years. But I generally haven’t had much issue getting along with “straight” guys. I guess it helps if you’re “straight passing” and/or are into things that are expected of “straight” guys to be into. I’ve also been a pseudo therapist to a handful of legit “straight” guys as well as closet cases and “straight presenting” guys struggling with the dimensions of their sexuality, sexual/gender fluidity and contradictions, or where they are in the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, relationship contentment/commitment spectrum. That therapist shit gets old quickly. A lot of these out “queer” males desperately want “straight presenting” male acceptance, approval, affection (sometimes sex). That’s their cross. I really couldn’t care less about that as long as there’s respect.
But of course, homophobia, hetero pressures, sociological friction and fractures, femme-phobia, toxic masculinity, male insecurities, “queer” insecurities, “gay” panic, “queer baiting”, “straight” superiority complexes, “gay” inferiority complexes- these are all still widespread issues. And they often don’t reveal themselves in the most overt ways (this is where micro aggression chatter comes into play). But they’re pretty well ingrained into social politics, structures and psyches.
Doug
Funny, I have a really difficult time finding gay male friends, I’ve never had any problem finding straight male friends. I envy a lot of gay men I see with a wide circle of friends.
Donston
I think that’s a widespread issue. I spent most of my 20s with only female and straight/straight-ish. Now, I’m friends with several guys who are unabashedly “gay”/“queer”/into their sex. And it is refreshing. It can be difficult depending on your personality, where you live, whether you contend with internalized phobias/gay shame/femme-phobia. But I honestly think it’s necessary to form that bond without sexual, romantic, relationship tension. This article seems to be talking about several different things beyond making friends though.
Tim44309
Completely agree!
Mark Allen
I’m a member of a cycling club that is a great mix of straight, gay and trans men and women. We ride together several times a week. I feel exceptionally lucky to have these friends. The straight guys are a mixed bag when it comes to talking about feelings, but the point is they are honestly supportive and sincerely try to understand. It helps I live in Vermont!
cubcmh
They got it backwards: they don’t have a problem making friends with straight males; straight males have the problem being friends with gay men. Their insecurities about their own gender and sexuality get in the way. Be yourself, and if you remain friends, count it as a win; otherwise, move on.
TIP: look for straights that have / had other gay men as friends. They’re already trained.
tangent
In my experience, about half of my “straight” friends aren’t entirely straight. A few drinks in, they’re daring me to make out with them. It’s hilarious.
Donston
This is why “straight presenting” and “gay presenting” are becoming popular phrases. Just because a guy presents a “straight” identity doesn’t mean he’s heterosexual or entirely hetero when it comes to the sexual, romantic, affection, emotion, commitment spectrum. But I think we all know that. Also, some “straight presenting” guys like having “queer” male friends because they feel they can let out their more feminine aspects around them and can have “deeper” friendships. Gay panic and toxic masculinity often blocks that stuff in friendships between “straight” guys. While some dudes like having “gay” associates that tell them how hot they are all the time. So, their friendship with “gays” is mostly driven by wanting ego boosts and wanting a free therapist.
People, sociology, sexuality, orientation, friendship, love, why people do what they do is all complicated and individual stuff. All I know is obsessing with wanting “straight” friends serves no purpose. Obsessing with friends in general serves no purpose. That shit will come naturally. Just demand respect.
bivector
Interesting. I agree with everyone here saying they have the opposite problem. My husband and I recently realized we didn’t have many other gay friends and have been actively trying to expand our queer social group, but it’s more difficult I think if you don’t go to clubs. We actually even tried a Grindr profile saying “friends only” LMAO
Also I’ve had a lot of straight men and women who seem to volunteer themselves as friends *because* I’m gay. Sometimes they turn out to actually be bi, but it does seem like some straight guys just love the idea of a gay bestie. My husband and I are both more or less masculine-presenting though, so maybe that’s the disconnect?
RyanMBecker
I’m available. Sunday brunch in Chelsea would be fabulous.
One of my gay friends even gave me an “Honorary Gay Man” button and a patient made me a “Fairy’s Godfather” t-shirt (even though I was half his age). Many of my straight male friends are equally available for friendships. Most of us would rather cry over a chickflick than watch football. And before COVID, some of us even greeted our gay friends with a peck on the cheek, even though we’re not European.
After brunch, we can play Gay Trivia Pursuit — if you don’t mind losing.
Plus, I’ve likely watched more gay porn than you, your boyfriend and your father combined — probably over 5000 scenes — and got paid for it. So we have lots to talk about (love the vintage 80s stuff and Corbin Fisher, even though they never replied to my application)…
Dr. RohanNeuro
Hahahaha aww. OMG. This warmed my lil’ gay heart
RyanMBecker
Dr. RohanNeuro,
Okay, I just have to ask …are you a neurologist named Dr. Rohan P…? I ask because there probably aren’t many neurologists named Rohan in the US. Then again, you can be reading from another country. I only ask because I used to work on the same floor with a neurologist named Rohan who was doing autonomic research. I even played with your tilt table (sounds slightly sexual!). We never collaborated but that Rohan asked if I wanted to go jogging with him and my then-girlfriend said that that was weird. I never thought that he was gay or hitting on me but I would’ve been flattered if he did. If you are that Rohan, my belated apologies for never replying to you. And you were cute. One of our gay patients even said that you were “tall, dark and handsome.” Heh
judysdad
Hmmm…all of my male friends are straight. I have trouble making gay friends (although I am friends with several lesbians of the lipstick variety).
wikidBSTN
Nearly all of my male friends are straight. I only have one gay male friend. 🙁 I’ve tried – but all of my attempts to gather gay male friends end up with people moving away. I’ve lived in the same place all my life – the gay men I have know all seem to be rather transient – with jobs and where they live.
MusicBoi74
While the majority of my (male) friends are gay, I have a handful of straight friends too…and I treasure those relationships. We can joke around with each other and tell stories without any awkwardness. I think this is because our friendships began when we worked together or had mutual friends we lost and mourned together. These men have also been very open and embracing of Pride events (as have their wives/girlfriends). It’s kind of cool…I even told one who came to the gay bar I worked at that I made him an “honorary fag.” He loved that title and embraced it as well! 🙂