Straight males are unpredictable creatures. Some are allies. Some are bigots. And some just wanna make out. So it’s all too understandable that one Reddit user expressed feeling nervous and afraid around heteros.
This Redditor explained that he had no one to talk to about being gay until he was 21. Along the way, some people he thought were friends or potential allies bullied him, harassed him, and even sent him death threats. “I’m in a much better position now,” he said in an r/askgaybros thread. “I’m strong enough to fend and stand up for myself, but no matter what, no matter how long I’ve known the person, in the back of my mind there’s still that nervous energy when I’m around straight people. Do you ever feel that?”
Related: Advice columnist shuts down straight guy complaining about flirty gay friend
A lot of lucky people couldn’t relate, having never experienced homophobia. But some commenters felt this Redditor’s pain.
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“Yes, I feel nervous around straight people I don’t know, especially if I’m with my boyfriend,” one wrote. “I’m worried they’ll be homophobic and I don’t want them asking questions.”
Another said: “Yes. I definitely have that fear, sometimes even with family. Of course, I also fear myself. I’ve had blackouts where I start throwing punches out of feeling cornered and I know they could happen again if people come at me the wrong way about my ‘choices.’”
Others, meanwhile, have memories of this anxiety. “I used to struggle with that but now I view it differently,” one explained. “I think I have a broader range and greater understanding of my own masculinity than any straight man ever will. I’ve been thinking of myself in a way too pessimistic mindset even when I was fully out and accepted myself. It sounds kinda extreme but it’s true.”
Said another: “I remember feeling that ‘nervous energy’ you mentioned around groups of straight guys in high school, but I was never afraid of them, just confused. I was also never bullied, though, so your life experience probably tinges your perspective on this a bit.”
Related: Gay Redditor wonders if he’s the only one not into straight guys
For what it’s worth, more than one commenter reported feeling more uncomfortable surrounded by gay men than surrounded by straight ones. “With gay men I always think there’s some underlying tension,” one said. “Like I’m being judged as a sexual prospect and not just as a regular person. I feel like I’m being sized up or flirted with. With straight guys there is obviously no sexual component to the interaction, it’s just two people being regular people.”
Added another: “I’m more at ease walking into a room full of straight men than a room full of gay men.”
And you, dear Queerty reader? Hit up the comments to let us know your comfort level with the straights.
nunya
I definitely feel more anxiety around a group of gays far more than I feel a round straights. Gays are so much more judgmental and predatory than straights.
C_Alan
Don’t flatter yourself
A_Fremen_Naib
C_Alan. I think you just proved his point.
Luxury
He proved his own “point” by making such a prejudicial statement of generalization.
Cam
Another Right wing troll.
Here’s an idea. Let’s ask a group of 1000 college women if they agree with you that straight men aren’t predatory.
jksmith
Have felt uncomfortable around straight men my entire life. Not into sports especially football growing up in Oklahoma. I have always loved vintage and classic cars. I don’t care for muscle cars which seems to be a straight man’s car. Always skinny and tall and not muscular so felt inferior around straight muscular guys. Spoke with a lisp until school provided speech therapy in middle school. Developed a stutter in grade school which further destroyed my self confidence. I have little facial hair making me feel even more inferior around straight guys with their full beards and hairy arms. Finally I am in my mid sixties and many of these things just don’t matter any more. Nonetheless a life of regrets I tried suicide once but was even unsuccessful at that. If there is another life after this one I hope to have a better chance or have the personality to overcome my insecurities.
Kevan1
So sorry to hear that. There are other guys straight and gay who have felt the same. You are and we’re always a worthy person. It is hard , but you have to eventually tell yourself they are no better than me, so f-ck them. I know, easier said than done. I have met many men who have felt that way. I always tried to tell them what I said above. Life is too short to worry about others judgement, also easier said than done. Glad you are more confident in who you are now, and glad you were unsuccessful in your attempt to harm yourself.
carlton
Most of my straight male friends have come from the Episcopal Church and we’re a fairly tolerant lot- as churches go. However….I would certainly feel nervous in a room full of straight men who I didn’t know. I used to be nervous around a crowd of gay men until I got older and realized how many young gay men find us older guys desirable
Karrnal
Fear of being judged = internalized homophobia
Donston
There has to be decided homo shame or homo resentments or gay inferiority complexes or non-homo superiority complexes of femme-phobia, etc. for internalized homophobia to be a thing. Just feeling fear or self-consciousness is not enough to claim someone contends with internalized homophobia.
bachy
I’m much more comfortable around a small group of gay – or straight – men than I am in any kind of a crowd. Prefer opportunities to engage with people as individuals. In larger groups, men often hide their individuality and merge instead into a kind of group mentality – a dynamic I find disturbing. Mobs are the worst example of this.
Kevan1
Only if it is a hot straight guy I am attracted too. Doesn’t happy that often though. Otherwise, I am sometimes just bored.
DavidIntl
Yeah, I agree that I am actually more comfortable in a crowd of straight guys than in a crowd of gay ones. Walk down the street in Dubai, where no one is openly gay? No problem. Walk down the street in Sitges, where most are openly gay? Awkward.
Cam
Dubai? Many people are gay, they are just hiding it because they’d be arrested.
Heywood Jablowme
Half the year, straight guys have only one topic of conversation: football! Unlike with baseball or basketball – boring games where at least the uniforms are cute – I’m unable to pretend to be even slightly interested in football. So I avoid straight guys from about August til the Super Bowl in Feb. (when I usually go to my local art house theater and see something foreign, preferably with subtitles).
This year it’s worse bc of Trump, who causes them to talk about football and Trump at the same time! Horrifying! Straight white guys over a certain age, 55 or so, see a white guy their age, assume I must be on their side (even though I’m wearing a mask and they’re not) and they immediately start babbling about their Orange God. I finally got a BIDEN 2020 mask to scare them away!
Smith David
Welp, I’d rather be in a room with a bunch of gay men judging me opposed to straight guys. At least I wouldn’t be bored out of my mind. We have to be kinder to each other. There is too much pain and hate in the world right now. As gay men we need to come together and watch out for each other because the world wants us all dead. Period!