I was at the playground with my older son when he found a toy and wanted to take it home. (It was a broken robot I’d wager was abandoned.) I told him he needed to ask around to see if it belonged to any other children and, if not, he could take it home.
He approached a nanny a few feet away. I couldn’t hear what he asked or how she responded, but as he turned away from her he said, “No I don’t have a mommy. I have a daddy.”
He took a step, turned back, and finished, “No. I have two daddies. I have Daddy and I have Tatty.”
Then he ran onto the next guardian at the playground to continue his canvassing.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
The nanny turned to me and we both smiled. That was the first I’d ever heard my son reference our family make-up.
It was awesome.
My partner and I didn’t specifically discuss Mother’s Day during our months of debate over having a child. We did, however, discuss the significance of not having a familial mother in the household. He postulated, “But really — what if our kid’s missing something?”
I knew how I felt about the lack of a mother figure in our household: they wouldn’t be missing anything. We would love our kids as much as anyone else could and that was what mattered.
According to convention, and with several bottles of wine and hours of discussion, one could argue that my children might miss something by not having a biological mother in the household. What that might be is subject to animated debate. But wasn’t I “missing” something when my father passed away when I was 8 years old? Aren’t innumerable kids “missing” something when they’ve lost a parent, or their favorite grandparent passes, or they lose both parents in a tragic accident.
The “what ifs” are endless.
But what my kids might theoretically lack (according to archaic definitions) is over-shadowed by what they have: a loving family unit that will unconditionally love, support, educate, entertain, and enrich them.
My partner and I do not identify as mothers. So…how do we “deal” with Mother’s Day?
It annoys me when people joke, “Happy Mother’s Day to you! Wait. Are you the mother? Or should we say it to your partner?”
Yeah, it’s happened a lot.
Listen, I know two dads is still a novelty. But neither of us magically sprouted two X chromosomes when we became fathers. We’re two dads, not a dad and a pseudo-mom. We fill all the roles of child-rearing, whatever stereotypical gender rules have existed in the past. So…really – you don’t need to wish us a happy day. It’s not our day. You can simply wish us both a “Happy Father’s Day” in about six weeks.
My older son has been in preschool for two years and each teacher has given us a heads-up: “There’s going to be a Mother’s Day project. We hope you don’t mind.”
Of course not. How can we be offended? Our kids know that some (nay, most) other kids have mothers. In each case, though, we’ve said, “Hopefully you’ll just discuss different types of families. Not everyone has a mother.”
“Of course, of course. We definitely will discuss family types,” was the response both years.
And each year, our son came home with projects made for us: his daddies. We were delighted.
(Funny enough, last year my son came home with an adorable clay planting pot he’d painted. Attached was a pre-printed letter wishing us, “Happy Mother’s Day.” I was mildly annoyed by that. The teacher didn’t need to include the letter. But whatever.)
I wouldn’t be opposed to “Parent’s Day.” Why do parental holidays need to be separated? except stores might not as easily spread out the mass consumption of cards, flowers, spa treatments, ties and barbecues. But why couldn’t we combine these days into the celebration of “people who love their children?”
Just to be clear: I’m not offended by Mother’s Day or even wishes of Happy Mother’s Day. I know it comes from people who want to include me in everything that is the beauty of parenting. I just don’t think the Hallmark holiday really applies to me. So why not Parent’s Day?
Just a thought.
For me, Mother’s Day is a day when I think about the mother I lost at far too young an age (both hers and mine). I appreciate the increasing number of Facebook posts I see stating, “Here’s to those who’ve lost their mother and feel loss on this day.” Heck, I’m the one feeling loss, not my kids.
But for me, Mother’s Day is also a celebration of my mom’s success as a parent, without which I wouldn’t have a family at all.
So my kids aren’t missing anything. Instead, they have something equally full and rich and beautiful as any other family with two parents, two kids, a dog and piles of dirty laundry.
In a few years, we will probably have more in-depth conversations about it. Perhaps jerks will make them think they’re missing something. Or maybe they’ll grow up identifying one of us as the “mother”…and then I promise to write about a change in my own perspective.
Regardless, we will roll with the changes. Embracing our family reality will hopefully be the least of my sons’ worries.
At least that’s how I intend for it to be.
Most important: to everyone who is a mother or identifies as a mother, thank you for loving us: your children. Happy Mother’s Day. And for those who feel loss and just a tinge of sadness as they remember their wonderful mothers: you’re not alone.
[This essay was first published on DaddyCopingInStyle.]
Masc Pride
“I knew how I felt about the lack of a mother figure in our household: they wouldn’t be missing anything.” That’s really arrogant, selfish, delusional and borderline misogynistic. This is like single moms that shamelessly proclaim, “I’m mommy and daddy.” No. Single mom doesn’t replace dad, and two daddies don’t replace mom. Luckily, statements like Gavin’s are actually offensive to lots of bi and gay dads (myself included). Most of us acknowledge that the role of mom is VERY IMPORTANT. Gavin’s logic also becomes quite contradictory when he follows up with, “But for me, Mother’s Day is also a celebration of my mom’s success as a parent, without which I wouldn’t have a family at all.” So he grew up with a mother that he obviously appreciates but doesn’t feel that the same experience is a necessity for his kid?
Tom Gonzalez
Probably how Veterans Day is to a non veteran or valentines to a single person, slightly depressing but who cares.
Allan O'Shea
You celebrate Father’s Day!
Amy Besnoy
It’s kinda like what Father’s Day is for 2 moms; just another Sunday. What’s the big deal?
martinbakman
Non-traditional families means non-traditional.
Having a mother doesn’t necessarily save children from some undesirable fate, unless you believe the whacky X-tian’s baseless claims about mother/father families being the gold standard.
I agree with Allan: you double down on Father’s day.
Hopefully their “couple of bottles of wine” method doesn’t guide all their parenting decisions. That seems much worse than lack of a mother could ever be.
Bauhaus
@Masc Pride:
You say:
” Most of us acknowledge that the role of mom is VERY IMPORTANT.”
Of course. As a gay dad, you also know that children raised with ANY present, loving and caring parent[s] is THE most important thing. Children do fare better in two parent households, for financial, emotional, and support reasons. It doesn’t seem to matter the gender of the parents. It’s really not a matter of one parent replacing the other, but of any parent being able to ignore absurd gender roles to provide for and be an example to their child.
Paco
He comes off as insecure and defensive. Some kids don’t have mothers and they survive the yearly ritual of Mothers Day just fine. I bet he used to whine about Valentine’s Day when he was single, too.
I’m sure it’s nothing “several bottles of wine” couldn’t solve.
DuMaurier
“You can simply wish us both a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ in about six weeks” pretty much covers it. It was more or less my automatic thought when I saw the headline. And I don’t see any reason to do away with separate days and morph them together into a “Parent’s Day.” It isn’t just kids being raised by gay parents who might not have a mother (or father) When schools have their big classroom celebrations for these “Days” I hope they’re sensitive to children in that situation, but we don’t need to change everything around for everybody because of it.
jason smeds
The problem I have with the two dads scenario is that it appears to put the interests of the two partners before that of the children. The children were born from a mother – it’s sad that some men and women have decided that somehow this is of minimum importance.
Don’t get me wrong – I think these types of children are much loved and well-adjusted. But there’s still that lingering issue that won’t go away – ie the absence or minimization of the mother in the child’s life.
Tom Belkowski
Just as there are now families with two dads, there are families with two moms. I hope that, now we have the ability to marry our same-sex partners, we are not going to start taking offense to every heterosexual tradition that there is. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are both fine traditions…
Julie Small
Great article. Your boys aren’t missing a thing. They obviously have two dads who love them very much.
DC_FamilyMan
@Tom Belkowski: well stated Tom
Masc Pride
@Bauhaus: I actually agree with everything but this:
“It doesn’t seem to matter the gender of the parents.”
It matters. Is it all that matters? No. But does it matter? Absolutely. I can’t be mommy to my daughter. Sure, when she becomes a teenager, I could drop her off at the makeup counter at the mall or let her bond with the female sales associate in a clothing store while she picks out her prom dress, but that’s so impersonal. There will be certain moments that require the incomparable mother-daughter bonding that dads can’t provide. This “moms aren’t really necessary” logic is quite ignorant. At times, it seems like the author is even using his kids as some kind of gay rights argument much in the same way some single moms turn their kids into a twisted feminist argument with statements like, “I don’t need a man” and/or “I can do it all on my own”. Maybe they don’t need men, but their kids might want their fathers. These people are just fooling themselves and consequently shortchanging their own kids.
Mark Alan McRoberts
Beautiful family
Cory Manson
uhmmm just another day then lol…… wait until fathers day……
Saint Law
@Masc Pride: You’re wrong but at least you’re consistent.
Every study – bar the one authored by a social conservative and sponsored by Christian fundamentalists – has shown that kids with same sex parents are as well adjusted as those with opposite sex parents. The most comprehensive – an Australian study – demonstrated that in certain areas: adaptability of gender roles – the children of gay parents fared better.
Neurological studies mapping the brain show that gay male parents exhibit both traditional masculine ‘fatherly’ characteristics and ‘maternal’ characteristics. When applied to lesbian parents the findings were reversed but equivalent.
Now you may be deficient in this regard. Your posts indicate as much. But don’t despair. When it comes to prom dresses and make up parental input – from mother or father – is much less significant than that of a child’s peers.
Also, where finances and time are not an issue children of one parent families thrive. Even where a lack of both money and time are at issue it is still better that children are raised by a single parent that loves them than that that parent should remain in an unhappy or abusive relationship.
Hope this helps.
vonric
some recent studies show that the behaviors, instincts and “mother’s awareness” tend to be behaviors that one partner in a same-gender marriage picks up. Key to the study was that profound nurturing caring is a learned and acquired behavior, not, somehow, associated with a mother’s specific gender.
and yea, parent’s day would be a great idea…
Óscar ML K
Seriously?
jason smeds
It’s not that kids with same-sex parents can’t be well adjusted, it’s that they are missing the importance of both their biological parents’ presence in their lives.
Masc Pride
@Saint Law: Once again, you’re not letting your total misunderstanding hold you back from rushing to oppose. No one said these two guys are incapable of being loving parents. What I clearly stated is that it doesn’t compensate for the absence of the experience a mother provides. This writer repeatedly states that moms aren’t really necessary, which is simply not true at all. This incredibly flawed logic of deeming moms unnecessary because one chooses not to provide one is more about the parent’s ego and what the parent wants rather than the child’s well-being and what the child wants, which can clearly be seen all throughout this essay.
I’m just curious, how many kids does a parenting expert such as yourself have? And your answer should only be a numeric value.
CCTR
Interesting read. I would think on some calendar somewhere there is a designated “Parent’s Day” holiday noted, but I like the idea of adding that to one of the “Hallmark” holidays. There are so many types of families where parenting and guardian situations do not consist of the traditional mother and/or father.
Rob Moore
I think children want to be secure and loved. Even children raised by one parent who is present, trustworthy, and teaches how to be adults is better than children with a mother and father who are both too self-involved and unpredictable and treat the children as an afterthought, a nuisance, or worse a burden.