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When Worlds Collide: Straight Stories Of Mistakenly Ending Up In Gay Sex Venues

picTBPgaysaunasEuropemainpic-360x270Last week we shared a story about a straight guy who accidentally stumbled into a gay bathhouse. Hilarity ensured, but he was also distraught over how/when to tell his wife what happened.

Many readers were quick to question how “accidental” the visit really was. How could he really be that naive?

Well amid all the marriage advice he got was sprinkled a smattering of other stories of straight people circumstantially ending up in sexually charged gay environments.

Here they are:

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What happens at Burning Man, stays at Burning Man:

So, fun story time. Burning Man is a weird place. Someone (as a prank) put up a bunch of flyers that read, “Tantric Blowjob Workshop, males needed due to overwhelming female response. 1 pm, 3pm, and 6pm daily.” They had the address to someone else’s camp.

Of course, every few hours a bunch of thirsty dudes show up to invade this poor camp, and someone staying there has to explain it. Well, this guy shows up late, and the camp member who just explained it was a prank goes to greet him.
They shake hands, talk a bit, still shaking hands. Someone comments on how awkwardly long the handshake is. Someone else exclaims “its not like they’re shaking dicks!”

One guy jokingly goes for the crotch grab. The other guy sees, then actually goes for the crotch grab. Cue awkward dick handshaking and laughing. Laughing stops. Cue shorts sliding down / sarong coming off. Cue two dudes standing face to face jerking each other off while ~20 watch.

The guest finished, the camp member didn’t. His wife showed up just at the tail end, and jokingly shouted “Damnit, Robbie! Not again!”

And that’s how a handshake turns into a double hand job.

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Daisy Dukes, bikini on rest stop:

My dad is a mid-to-tall, medium to heavy build man. Completely straight, all masculine interests, that’s just how he naturally is. He bears a strong resemblance to Joaquin Phoenix when he played Johnny Cash.

He once owned a truck with a broken fuel gauge. So naturally, he eventually ran out of gas. Luckily within sight of a gas station.

So he’s digging around for his gas can when a large black man pulls up in his truck. The man gets out, and he’s wearing daisy dukes with his shirt tucked over like a bikini top. My dad, being the sweet but sheltered Alabama man he is, freezes up completely.

The man takes this pause as a chance to cock his hip and say “You want me to get behind you and push?”

Dad practically ran for the hills. He actually didn’t tell us about it for a good two years.

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Whatever happened to professionalism:

Story I have is a naive and then young friend of mine who wanted to be a masusse. Got some training but on the second day of the job he walks in and two guys were butt fucking on his massage table. He was a pretty ineffectual guy and the image of him yelling at these guys to cut it out still cracks me up.

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The confidence booster:

I recently got turned onto just how awesome spas are when I went to one way up north with my wife. The eucalyptus steam room was SO DAMN NICE.

Looking around I found some really nice spas but they were all female only. I find another — its co-ed but really expensive. Then I find out that there is one that has the eucalyptus and so on, isn’t that expensive — but the catch is it’s a rather famous gay anything-goes bathhouse.

I have a lot of gay friends and so I asked one of them to come with me. They were really excited until I told them it’s just for the steam and he hooked me up with one of his gay friends who loves bath houses but not the sex. So I met up with him and went and honestly, it was great.

We had to turn down quite a few people but really it was a nice steam and I left feeling a bit more confident and sexy after being hit on so much.

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The good wife:

My wife and I were having dinner with a gay couple that was just about to get married. They sheepishly admitted that they met at a local “steam room,” and I was like, “How come I haven’t heard of this place? The sauna at the gym has been busted for months.”

My wife suggested they take me the next time they go there. They gave her a look, and were like, “We haven’t been there in a long time…”, “I’m not sure it’ll be what he had in mind,” etc. I’m not picking up on any of this.

So later that week I meet them there, and sure enough not even two minutes in three guys are going at it near us. It was well lit. I slowly turn my head to my friends and said “Why didn’t you just tell me this was a gay hookup joint?” And they admitted my wife had been winking at them during dinner, so they were in on the gag.

So, I sat there and said, “Fuck it. I haven’t used a sauna in months, so I’m staying.” Then I yelled at the orgy and told them to at least put towels under them. When I got home my wife laughed at me.

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Lost in Chinatown:

Some years back I needed to place a business add in the local Chinese newspaper. I looked up the address and went to find it on foot, as it was only a few blocks away.

In the middle of Chinatown I find a frosted glass door with the street number on it. No advertising or anything. Meh – Chinatown. Shit like that isn’t too unusual.

I push the door open and find that an older white gentleman is on the other side, coming out as I’m going in. Instead of being polite, he sort of tustles with the door a little. As if he is reluctant for me to go in. Weird. I keep pushing and he gives in and we both pass each other at the door.

The first thing that hits me is an odd smell. Sort of steamy with maybe something sweaty about it. The next thing I notice is a white guy on the desk. This doesn’t seem right. It was pretty dark in there as well and I see stairs going up into the steam. Music is playing. Hmmmmm…

Yeah this was not the Chinese newspaper. I was trying to force my way into a gay bath house. As a young female it wasn’t appreciated.

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9 Comments

  • jwtraveler

    Really uninteresting, and not entirely believable.

  • Marco Solo

    Went mountaineering with a long time rock climbing buddy. His orientation had never crossed my mind. He had introduced me to an ex girlfriend of his who went on to become my wife, and he had a steady stream of attractive women on his arm. The weather on the climb sucked and we stayed in a small tent on a protected ridge for most of three days waiting to see if it would improve enough to advance. The last night we decided if the weather let up we’d make a dash for the summit and if not, we’d bail and kill a couple of days in the nearest city until our flights out. I was in my sleeping bag on my elbows and I arched my neck up and pursed my lips to blow out the candle lantern and he apparently mistook that for an offer of a goodnight kiss and rose to meet my lips. I turned my head and blew out the candle. Dead silence until morning and an awkward descent.

    So, why am I here? I stopped here a couple of days ago reading up on David Messerschmitt’s demise and found it interesting.

  • RIGay

    @jwtraveler – it could be worse, this could be an endless twitter feed.

  • Bellamy

    @Marco Solo:
    “So, why am I here? I stopped here a couple of days ago reading up on David Messerschmitt’s demise and found it interesting.”
    Marco, trust me when I say that you are safer among gays than gays are among straights, so welcome. And you don’t have to be gay to read gay people news; I read straight people news all the time, like New York Times, Time magazine, National Geographic, Sports Illustrated and virtually every thing else that typically excludes gay news. I come here to Queerty news just to keep me from losing my mind.

  • Bellamy

    @Marco Solo:
    PS… and you should have kissed him and made a light-hearted joke about it. Oh well, save it for next time.

  • jwtraveler

    @RIGay: I guess i should be glad I don’t do twitter.

  • demented

    @jwtraveler: Why is it unbelievable?

  • Giancarlo85

    Lots of fiction here… and not very well written fiction at that.

  • musctop

    @Marco Solo: Hahaha don’t feel too bad the same thing happened to me on a job interview of all places. I don’t know what I was thinking but as a great interview was winding down he pursed his lips and moved forward. so I did the same to I guess kiss him goodbye. He was trying to spit is gum into the pail by me, but he laughed so hard at my reflex to kiss that he almost pissed himself. I got the job anyway and we did become good friends–and he’s straight.

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