The Queerty Oscar Drinking Game

Oscar StatuettesIt’s gay Super Bowl time again this weekend, as the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences serves up that annual pageant to Hollywood’s self-absorbed narcissism, the Oscars. From Joan Rivers dishing on the dresses to weeping actors thanking Jesus, there is only one proper response to the Oscars—and that’s to drink. To help you achieve the proper state of lubrication necessary to fully appreciate Oscar and his Ken-doll golden bulge, we here at Queerty Oscar Headquarters have devised a gay-themed drinking game to pass away the interminable hours.

Since we’re encouraging you to get sloshed, we ask that you do so responsibly—give your car keys to a friend, make up some Oscartinis (or if you’re inviting us, a nice Sazerac), sit back and get ready to be entertained by host Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. You think that joke is bad? Just wait ’til the show!

THE RULES

Whenever somebody mentions the length of the telecast, take one drink.

Pass your drink to someone else every time someone mentions Jesus.

Every time a winner tests the weight of their Oscar or stares at it lovingly, take a drink.

Every time a presenter awkwardly interacts with an animated character, take a drink.

Anytime a presenter mentions some sort of backstage shenanigans, take two drinks.

Take one drink anytime the word “gay” is mentioned.

Take two drinks anytime “gay” is mentioned outside the context of Milk.

Take one drink anytime Proposition 8 is mentioned in an award speech.

Take two drinks if it’s mentioned by someone not involved in Milk.

Every time the director cuts to a shot of a gay nominee sitting with his boyfriend/ lover/ trick, have one drink.

If the bf/lover/trick appears to be over 30, have two drinks.

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If Hugh Jackman references how bad Australia was, take one drink.

If Hugh Jackman sings, take one drink.

If Hugh Jackman dances, take two drinks.

If Hugh Jackman takes off his shirt, take two drinks.

If Hugh Jackman kisses another man, take three drinks.

If Hugh Jackman impersonates Harvey Milk, take three drinks.

If Hugh Jackman “does something for his gay fans”, take two drinks.

If Hugh Jackman makes a gay joke at Jack Nicholson’s expense, take one drink.

For lushes: Whenever Hugh Jackman does something that only a gay man would do, take a sip.

If Hugh Jackman comes out, down the bottle.

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If anyone besides Sean Penn wins for Best Actor, take one drink.

If Sean Penn beats up anybody, take one drink.

When someone makes a reference to Sean Penn’s politics, take one drink.

When Sean Penn references his politics, take two drinks, yell at screen.

If Sean Penn mentions Cuba or Castro during his acceptance speech, have a tequila shot.

If Sean Penn uses his Oscar speech to talk about gay rights, down the hatch and cheers!

If Heath Ledger does not win for Best Supporting Actor, take a drink.

If he wins, have a drink in his honor.

Whenever you see a shot of a Best Supporting Actor nominee looking bored, take a drink.

If any Best Supporting Actor nominee cries when Heath wins, take two drinks.

If it’s Robert Downey Jr. crying, speculate if he’s off the wagon and have another shot and wander around the nearest parking lot ranting like a crazy person.

If Kate Winslet is wearing something that doesn’t make it look like she stepped out of a Merchant & Ivory film, take one drink.

If Kate Winslet cries, take one drink.

If Kate Winslet cries so much she has trouble speaking, take drinks.

If Kate Winslet says something weird or embarrassing, don’t drink and instead start singing “My Heart Will Go On” loudly until her mouth stops moving.

If Angelina Jolie wears a color other than black, take a drink.

If Meryl Streep looks stoned, take one drink.

Whenever “beautiful people” are mentioned and the director cuts to Anne Hathaway, take a drink.

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If you are over 30, take one drink for every dead person in the Memorial Death Parade Montage yo do not know.

If you are under 30, find someone who is over 30 and keep asking them who the dead people are, even if you know. They’ll appreciate it, we promise.

Anytime Milk wins in any category, take a drink.

If someone thanks their same-sex partner, take a drink.

If Milk wins for Best Picture, take two drinks.

If the Slumdog Millionaire acceptance speech makes a mention of Milk, take a drink.

The best part about this game is that you can join along. Please share your own house rules in the comments.

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23 Comments

  • David

    This part actually made me laugh:

    “If Kate Winslet says something weird or embarrassing, don’t drink and instead start singing “My Heart Will Go On” loudly until her mouth stops moving.”

    It also made me want to listen to that song. YouTube FTW!

  • Sebbe

    Japhy, a Sazerac? Really, I soo wouldn’t have guessed that was your drink.

    Better drink quick because you gonna constantly be passing – “Pass your drink to someone else every time someone mentions Jesus.”

    If Hugh Jackman “does something for his gay fans”, take two drinks. – does him being there count?

    No red carpet rules? Last year we had someone drunk before the red carpet was even over. LOL

  • Paul Raposo

    Anytime the camera pans the audience and shows the faces of disappointed, or angry actors who didn’t win, take a drink. Hopefully, we’ll have a repeat of the Titanic fiasco.

  • Darth Paul

    Funny. I hate the “gay” superbowl just as much as I hate the actual one.

  • ConservativeRepublican

    @Darth Paul:

    Yean, not a fan of the Oscars here either.

  • Qjersey

    If someone finishes their speech before they “cue the music” take a drink. If someone goes on and on after the music starts, take two drinks.

  • cruiser

    If someone has to escorted off stage by one the presenter assistants take 3 drinks

  • cruiser

    If Joan Rivers compliments ANYONE on the Red Carpet, take 1 drink pass it along and take 2 drinks from your nearest neighbor

  • cruiser

    @Sebbe: No I don’t think that counts(although it should)

  • cruiser

    Here’s another one, if Hugh Jackman takes his shirt off WHILE singing take 4 drinks

  • Sebbe

    @cruiser – it counts for my house rules. LOL. And if Jackman takes his shirt off while singing, I’m done and there definetly won’t be any working on Monday.

    Might I add, Obama is in Canada right now! Seriously, what’s gayer than Canada?

    “Ô Canada! Terre de nos aïeux”

  • Japhy Grant

    @Sebbe: “French 75” is also an acceptable answer to the question “What drink should we serve our editor?” I’m on a a classic cocktail kick, lately.

  • Sebbe

    @Japhy – I likey, and am recently going with the theory that “a drink is seldom a drink”. I might add that boyfriend rolls his eyes whenever I say that and thinks I am trying to approach the 30 year mark to quickly. LOL

  • GranDiva

    Joan Rivers is covering the red carpet? For whom?

    Come on, kiddies, catch up. Joan was fired by E! and replaced with the subsequently-fired Star Jones and Kathy Griffin, who were in turn replaced by the anti-Kathy Ryan Seacrest & Co.

    Joan and Melissa were subsequently fired from covering the red carpet for TV Guide channel, where they were replaced in 2007 by Lisa Rinna and Joey FatOne. The Rivers women didn’t even cover the red carpet live in 2008 at all, but did do an online fashion post-show for StyleList.com, but I haven’t seen any word about what either of them will be doing, if anything, at the Oscars this year.

  • cruiser

    If Joan Rivers even shows up on the Red Carpet take 3 drinks and pray she doesn’t say anything

  • cruiser

    @GranDiva: If you really want a good laugh, watch the Clebrity Apprentice on Mar 3 (I believe)and watch the great Ms Rivers take on the Donald

  • Sebbe

    @cruiser – stfu!! I didn’t know that. Dammit, I don’t want to add any more shows to my lineup, but how can you not watch, I bet she makes it pretty far along, for comedic purposes if nothing else.

  • GranDiva

    @cruiser:
    I can’t bring myself to watch that man anymore. I gave up on Apprentice in the middle of the Los Angeles season; I just couldn’t take any more Trump. If I even watch Miss USA anymore, I break out in hives. I am allergic to all things Trump.

  • cruiser

    @Sebbe: Yeah, it’s going to be Ms Rivers, Andrew Dice(I have no talent)Clay, Dennis “the Worm” Rodman, Scott(“Really I’m Not Gay”)Hamilton & some country singer, and I forget who else, should make for an interesting “cast”

  • cruiser

    @GranDiva: Pity, should be quite an entertaining season

  • Sebbe

    @cruiser – Guaranteed Melissa makes an appearance. How could she not?

  • cruiser

    @Sebbe: She is also scheduled to be among the “(B-List at best) celebrities”

Comments are closed.