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Dan Savage tells a straight kinkster: BDSM with men doesn’t make you queer

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Gay sex columnist Dan Savage has issued some surprising advice to a married, straight-identifying man obsessed with kink.

“I’m extremely kinky, with an emphasis on extreme,” the reader, identified as “Brooding Over Unmet Needs Daily” writes. “To give an example, I love long-term and extremely restrictive bondage. Think full-body casts or getting locked up for an entire weekend. I’m a 32-year-old straight male who has been married for five years. In the last year, we opened up our marriage because my sexual desires were putting too much of a strain on the marriage.”

“Since then,” BOUND continues, “I’ve seen some other women but looking around I came to the realization that gay men have all the fun! I often see these incredibly intense sexual experiences that I so desire in amateur gay adult films or on various gay men’s fetish profiles. I think men have a higher propensity to pursue these kinds of things. I’ve been talking to a guy who shares a very similar set of kinks, and it’s been great. He showed me Recon, which has opened a whole new world up to me.”

“I’m struggling right now,” BOUND claims. “It’s like a battle between my identity as a kinkster/fetishist and my identity as straight. I think the former is going to win, but certain things concern me. I don’t know if I’ll feel repulsed to have, say, a d*ck in my mouth. And I don’t want the poor guy that I play with to have to deal with my own internal psychological drama. I grew up in a very rural area that was extremely homophobic. I was bullied and called a f*ggot constantly. I’ve just recently been feeling less shame about being kinky and now there’s this whole other level of shame that I am scared to contend with.”

“Am I silly for considering doing stuff with men even though I’m a lot more attracted to women, just in order to fulfill these kinks?” BOUND wonders.

Savage, ever the sexual pragmatist, takes a bit of advice from adult film performer James “Heavy” Woelfel. Woelfel has made a career out of appearing in fetish videos.

Related: Dan Savage doesn’t hold back in his warning to straight guys flirting with gay guys

“Just like you, BOUND, Heavy was always turned on by extremely heavy bondage scenarios,” Savage notes. “That was the reason he chose ‘Heavy Bondage For Life’ as his porn name. And just like you, BOUND, Heavy once felt conflicted about getting tied by other men because he didn’t identify as gay or bisexual at the time.”

“Heavy’s identity ultimately did change,” he continues, “he now identifies as queer – but he wants you to know that your identity doesn’t have to change. ‘I view bondage the same as getting together with friends for a round of golf, or shooting hoops, watching a movie or game together,’ said Heavy. ‘I’ve had many bondage encounters that involved sex, but I’ve had even more that were simply about the bondage itself.’”

“What Heavy is suggesting here, BOUND, is that you can meet up with another guy for a heavy bondage scene and enjoy the bondage – and even get off on the bondage – without having ‘sex,'” Savage explains. “You can consent to being a guy’s bondage sub for an evening or a weekend without having to consent to sucking his d*ck or letting him f*ck your *ss.”

“So, how do you know if you’re interacting and negotiating with and possibly playing with the right kind of guys?,” Savage asks rhetorically. “In addition to trusting your gut – always trust your gut – check their references. If you’re meeting bondage tops on Recon, you can send messages directly to the guys listed as friends on their profiles. Someone with a lot of friends (and a lot of original play pics) is a much safer bet than someone with no friends or pics, BOUND, but if you’re tempted to play with someone without friends listed on his profile, ask to be put in touch with other men he’s played with. If he refuses, BOUND, don’t play with him.”

“’The gay men I played with when I was still identifying as straight were generally very respectful,’ added Heavy,” Savage relates. “’I did have a few experiences where my limits weren’t respected. But thankfully I’m okay and I learned from those experiences.’”

Sounds like BOUND has a lot of exploring to do.