A straight dude says he’s been thinking more and more about hooking up with his straight dude friends, but he isn’t sure what the appropriate protocol for that sorta thing is, so he’s seeking advice from sex gurus Rich Juzwiak and Stoya over at Slate.
Related: Straight dude panics after initiating sex with his gay best friend
“I am a straight man and I have a girlfriend who travels a lot,” the man’s letter begins. “When she is gone, my straight guy friends (some married) come over and chill.”
This already sounds like the beginning of a ’90s porno.
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The man continues, “By the end of their time at my home, there is usually some reference to banging. Sometimes this gets kind of awkward, and they talk about relieving themselves. I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into this, but it feels close to happening—between us.”
The man says he isn’t sure what to make of it. Does he wanna do it? Does he not wanna do it? Should he? Shouldn’t he? It’s all very confusing.
“I don’t know how I feel about getting sexy with a group of men or just one of them,” he writes. “I am wanting to know if it is ‘socially’ OK to have casual sex with your straight friends wondering if you would have to consider yourself gay if you did.”
Related: True confessions: Straight dudes share honest accounts of their first gay experiences
In their response, both Stoya and Juzwiak think the guy is getting a little too hung up labels.
“I think there will always be people whose preference for one side is so firm that they are effectively one or the other,” Juzwiak says, “but I think for many—as minds open, and taboos loosen—they’re going to find themselves in the gray area of the middle.”
“There is no one-drop rule for sexuality. Having gay sex does not make someone gay.”
Labels, he says, “cannot convey the entire complexity of someone’s sexuality.”
Stoya agrees, adding, “Most of us are much more attracted to details more specific than gender, even if we’re singularly attracted to people of one gender. So I’m wary of that when these labeling questions come up.”
“I like to say: If a label doesn’t work, use a sentence,” Juzwiak says. “If that isn’t sufficient to describe you, take a paragraph. Hell, write a book!”
“I suspect we’re going to be seeing an increasing amount of paragraph-identities in the future,” Stoya adds. “Go ahead and get yours ready.”
Related: Straight dude in a panic after watching “sexual things men do with one another” turns him on
Cam
I didn’t even have to look at the author of this post to know who it was.
Another day, another post about guys sleeping with guys who call themselves “Straight”. The fetishization of the closet is so 80s
chase_boston
that´s because we are all Queer : for goodness sake we are 100% skin : the extreme left/right split was for control : who is missing out … ¿ … Scarcity is created so is Ugly.
winemaker
Sounds like this guy’s got identity issues, is he gay or straight? He needs to be open and honest with the ‘girlfriend’, let her decide if she wants to continue with this ‘arrangement’ or wants out. Time’s precious and hoping someone you’re seriously dating with the hope of a future together while one party’s secretly playing around on the side is like high schoolers playing ‘house’ and is a waste of time for both parties
Donston
Here comes one of my “essays”.
This is actually the type of “straight guy” article I don’t mind much. It’s not entirely fetishism. There’s some actual confrontation when it comes to sexuality, sense of self and “labels”. Of course, that confrontation was not done by any writers here. I do appreciate the columnists’ response for most part. They didn’t really tackle the aspect that he would ultimately be cheating if he goes through with this without telling his gf. That is problematic. On the other hand, they did confront the reality that female friends hook up all the time without it being that big of a deal or there being a need to alter identity (though of course, those things get complicated). Hell, some “gay” dudes hook up with their female friends. So, there is a double standard. They also confronted the idea that identity is becoming more and more about sociology, ego and desired sense of self than anything else, that people are just too individual, and too many folks experience whatever degrees of fluidity, curiosities and confusions. These “labels” just can’t contain everyone.
We do need more of these “queer sites” to stop merely reporting, pushing agenda and/or fetishizing and actually confront these “labels” and dissect the sociological and ego aspects of identity and behaviors. Do we want these words to be meaningless now? Is gay, straight, bi about inherent sexuality, or lifestyle, or sexual preferences, or affections and emotional/romantic fulfillment and relationship ambition? None of that is being discussed enough. There’s also very little confrontation of internalized homophobia. While there’s not many who talk about the tendency of some to use people and manipulate. Even some dudes who are bi-identifying are using women primarily to maintain an image, for ego purposes, for sex, and/or for babies while that’s not at all where they lean on the overall spectrum. That is fine if you let your partner know this, but many do not. We are also not confronting how the obsession with “straight guys” or simply with dudes who do not have overall unabashedly homo ambitions and preferences can create a lot of dysfunctional for homosexual/overall homo-leaning/gay men. It’s “gays” who mostly pay attention to these types of stories and obsess over them, not the “straight world”.
The conversation in general is just too shallow, even beyond a basic and gossip-y site like this one. These are things that need to be more widely investigated and investigated with nuance. Until they are these types of stories will continue to come fetishistic and a bit problematic. If we want identities to not matter anymore and for people to merely embrace and be honest about the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, fascination, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum then we need to go about things differently. If you wish for that type of evolution then we have to focus on de-politicizing identity and taking away the sociological and ego importance of identities and behaviors, and we have to leave behind the propping up of “straight” guys.
Donston
He does need to be careful with assuming that his friend wants to mess around. Sometimes jokes are telling you something, but sometimes they’re not. He could be one of those “straight guys” who actually is legitimately heterosexual and doesn’t have any feelings or curiosities towards guys. It’s also douche-y to blame your gf’s traveling for why you have interests in guys.
enlightenone
Your last paragraph should have been the focus of these so-called “sex gurus!”
Josh447
Here we go again…
“Here comes one of my essays” translates to: ‘I’ll be projectile vomiting my repetitive lame uppity boring repetitive narcissistic brain grating attention seeking repetitive self grandizing blow-hard overtly long vomitous chunks at you in just a moment. Even tho so many of you have complained. Watch me mommie. Here goes’.
Dick Gozinia
Fake – I don’t believe a word of this story.
Donston
I don’t either. A lot of folks make shit up to fit their fantasies or agendas or to troll. But there are similar situations. So, I responded like it was legit.
WashDrySpin
SO VERY FAKE
Josh447
Yeah. Seems Sybil gobbled the bait.
Donston
I’d rather be “Sybil” than an insecure fraud making up “straight friends” and hiding behind multiple handles. And of course, a couple of those handles are you. They’ve used very similar language as you and only posts to attack me. Stay intimidated and lame.
Josh447
Sybil. You’re hallucinating again.
tones
They never answered his question. Is it ok or not?
MrMichaelJ
Give me a flipping break. Who cares who he wants to have sex with. But WTF? He has a girlfriend. Where’s the “don’t cheat on the one you’re with.” Unless he’s in an open relationship then it’s unreal this isn’t even touched upon.
CityguyUSA
You essentially want society to give you permission to cheat on your partner and because it’s not with the same gender it doesn’t count. Wrong! Cheating always counts and it depends on your rules in your relationship. In some relationships porno and talking to certain people online can be off-limits. Now do you really need us to tell you how to use your morality?
Donston
The story is likely BS, or there’s a lot of elements he’s leaving out. However, if it has legitimacy, it’s pretty fvcked up. It seems like he was both looking for permission to cheat and looking for some re-assurance that he’s not “gay”. The columnists did not focus at all on the cheating aspect. While the answer to a guy not wanting to feel “gay” should not simply be “you’re not ‘gay”. That doesn’t really tackle these type of guys’ insecurities. Focusing on not wanting to feel “gay” tends to just lead to more confusion, manipulation and internalized homophobia. It doesn’t instigate someone self-evaluating and doesn’t help lead to people understanding sexuality or the orientation spectrum.
Jack Meoff
Another fake sexual fantasy by some gay guy trying to get in his straight mates pants.
WashDrySpin
AGREED!!!
My gayness is not an erotic story it lives in the real world…all these stories are an extension of their lack of self-respect and self-identity
sfhairy
Fantasy Island is waiting for Graham to visit. This “letter” smells of bullsh*t. Just like Graham.
Steve 75043
Are people REALLY this stupid? Two things… 1-Cheating is cheating! 2- justifying lables, if you wanna be a douchebag then be a douchebag why do you need permission?
Rock-N-RollHS
Most gays I know have open relationships, with their own guidelines. Works for everyone!
The emotional (not medical) consequences of sex are sooo overblown (hehe), and always have been in Puritan, USA, even before the non-story that is #metoo.
Donston
Cheating is still cheating. And many gay relationships break up because of it. While this (likely fake) story clearly is not about an “open relationship” situation. Hooking up with genuine friends could also get problematic and messy. That’s not the same as random hook ups with strangers. In order for a relationship to work with outside indulges, there needs to be a very solid foundation and a clear understanding of limitations. And there needs not be any desire to receive constant affections, romantic attention, affirmation, emotional support, commitment, love from someone other than your spouse. Once those other things come into play it tends to lead to dysfunction. My husband and I have had a couple of bi and homo threesomes. But we’ve also seen a few couples fall apart and get drama filled in non conventionally monogamous situations. It’s all a crap-shoot. But you need always be entirely honest with yourself and your partner.
Donston
I also didn’t get why #metoo had to be brought up. Then I remembered how you defend guys who sleep with borderline children and are overall dismissive towards harassment and sexual trauma.
Rock-N-RollHS
I remember when frat boys used to make up letters and send them to Penthouse.
Of course, Fake News even easier do today.
Alex0267
I don’t see anything wrong really, I am gay and I have a straight friend who has a girlfriend and we have “messed around” together but it doesn’t mean anything
djmcgamester
He has a girlfriend, so not okay. I have lots of straight guy friends, single and not. You know how many times we consider sex with one another? Zero. We’re friends, not FBs.