No homo?

More and more straight guys are giving up “bro jobs” and engaging in “dude sex”

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What is dude sex? And how is it different from gay sex? Let’s find out…

Tony Silva is a researcher at University of Oregon who recently did a study on the growing phenomenon and just published a paper called Bud-Sex: Constructing Normative Masculinity among Rural Straight Men That Have Sex With Men about it.

Related: Straight Guys Are Giving “Bro-Jobs” And Hooking Up On The DL Using New App

According to Silva, dude sex (or “bud-sex”) is when two guys, usually from a rural area and who identify as straight, hook up together in a discreet, NSA sort of way. They have wives. They have kids. They consider themselves to be heterosexual. But they’re also able to compartmentalize sex in a way that allows them to occasionally bump uglies with other guys without complicating anything.

Silver interviewed 19 white, rural, straight-identifying men who say they’ve had dude sex. He found most of them on the pages of Craigslist’s M4M casual encounter ads. All of the guys came from socially conservative and predominant white populations in Missouri, Illinois, Oregon, Washington, or Idaho, and most of them identified as either “exclusively” or “mostly straight,” with a few identifying as “straight but bi, but more straight.”

Related: He Hooked Up With His Straight BFF, Now He’s Not Sure What To Do

Silva spoke with them for about an hour and a half each, and what he learned was pretty interesting.

Many of the guys said they engaged in dude sex as a way of “helpin’ a buddy out,” relieving “urges,” or simply experimenting and/or satisfying curiosities without experiencing any sexual attraction for the person with whom they were experimenting.

Silva also found that dude sex guides their “thoughts, tastes, and practices. It provides them with their fundamental sense of self; it structures how they understand the world around them; and it influences how they codify sameness and difference.”

In other words: it helps them scratch a certain curiosity itch while simultaneously reaffirming their heterosexuality because, now that they’ve tried it, they realize that man-on-man sex isn’t for them… Or maybe it is… It’s all about learning and growing as individuals.

Related: “Bro-Jobs” Author Talks Straight Man-On-Man Sex And “Repressed Homosexual Desire”

One thing Silva noticed was that most of the men were seeking other men like them–straight-identifying, married, etc., etc.

“This is a key element of bud-sex,” he writes in his study. “Partnering with other men similarly privileged on several intersecting axes—gender, race, and sexual identity—allowed the participants to normalize and authenticate their sexual experiences as normatively masculine.”

By hooking up with guys similar to them, Silva noted, many of the men didn’t feel their heterosexual identities were threatened. But having sex with a gay man somehow made them feel more gay. In fact, a handful of subjects said they were turned off by “effeminate faggot type[s]” or “flamin’ queers” who were “too flamboyant.”

“If I wanted someone that acts girlish, I got a wife at home,” one subject said.

Related: Has Gay Men’s Obsession With ‘Straight’ Guys Gone Too Far?

“A guy that I would consider more like me, that gets blowjobs from guys every once in a while, doesn’t do it every day,” another subject said. “They’re manly guys, and doing manly stuff, and just happen to have oral sex with men every once in a while. So, that’s why I kinda prefer those types of guys.”

Other reasons the men said they preferred to have dude sex as opposed to gay sex was because it happened quicker and didn’t involve lengthy email exchanges, or they felt there wasn’t the threat of the other man becoming emotionally attached to them.

“I think I identify with them more because that’s kinda, like [how] I feel myself. And bi guys, the same way. We can talk about women, there [have] been times where we’ve watched hetero porn, before we got started or whatever, so I kinda prefer that.”

Related: Curious Straight Guy Absolutely Cannot Stop Fantasizing About Experimenting With Another Dude

Other men reported that they enjoyed the friendship part most, and that the sex was just sort of a naturally-occurring afterthought.

“We talk for an hour or so, over coffee,” one guy said. “Then we’ll go get a blowjob and then part our ways.”

“I go on road trips, drink beer, go down to the city [to] look at chicks, go out and eat, shoot pool, I got one friend I hike with,” another guy explained. “It normally leads to sex, but we go out and do activities other than we meet and suck.”

“If my wife’s gone for a weekend,” a third guy said, “I’ll go to his place and spend a night or two with him … We obviously do things other than sex, so, yeah, we go to dinner, go out and go shopping, stuff like that.”

You know? Stuff like that.

Related: What Exactly Is The Protocol After Hooking Up With A Straight Guy?

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112 Comments

  • Low Country Boy

    No offense to Prof. Silva, but he is a typical academic. He takes an issue we all know about, over intellectualizes it and then explains it back in typical academic babble-speak. Let me boil this all down to a phrase we used to say in the Navy: “Any port in a storm.”

  • Paco

    Stop trying to normalize the closet.

    They keep using the same lines over and over to let people know they aren’t like those other gays. In total denial about themselves. I would say live and let live, but these same guys also vote against our equal rights while they remain hidden in the closet and get to benefit from being total hypocrites every time they engage in homosexual sex.

    “In fact, a handful of subjects said they were turned off by “effeminate [email protected] type[s]” or “flamin’ queers” who were “too flamboyant.”
    “If I wanted someone that acts girlish, I got a wife at home,” one subject said.”

    So why not just be with your wife if you are so straight? Why repeat the same masc4masc closet case mantra over and over?

    Just because the guy whose d1ck they are sucking has a beard and grunts doesn’t make the homosexual sex any less homosexual. They have to like it to do it with regularity and to go out of their way to chose the homosexual sex over the heterosexual sex they claim is their only true nature. It is definitely more than just getting off.

  • Josh447

    I liked reading this article. In our society women generally just will not put up with bisexuality from their mate so all of this makes total sense and I think the guys are liberal and understanding on the inside and would vote to assist with gay rights. Their comments about being attracted to manly men is not segregated just to these guys as most men who want to have sex with men prefer exactly what they advocate for, men who act like men. It just is and it will never change. But “bumping uglies”? Uhg, do Stop. Trying to be funny isn’t working.

  • jdboston617

    I read the article. I didn’t need to.

    This article simply describes guys living in the closet. The only thing different here is you put the word “dude” or “bud” before sex, which is just fantasy talk as if somehow a man is more masculine or hetero-normalized because he self identifies as such.

    No offense, but this is not new. Just closet cases newly titled.

    And for the record, strong men live proudly, not in closets because they are NOT afraid. Don’t be fooled into believing it’s the other way around.

  • Mo Bro

    Newsflash:
    These guys are bi.

  • Josh447

    @Mo Bro: True. They are not closet cases. They are bi.

  • ErikO

    @Mo Bro: Exactly, or in some cases they’re gay and in denial or closeted.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    There is nothing new or American or “rural American” or “white” about this. Try reading George Chauncey’s “Gay New York 1890-1940” – a lot of European immigrants to NYC a century ago acted exactly like this.

    It’s amusing that the professor has the classically Portuguese name of Tony Silva. Practically every man in Portugal is like this!

  • Josh447

    @jdboston617:
    Probably best not to spread lies like this. You sound like right wing groups who say gays can change their sexual orientation. You obviously aren’t bi so how would you know? Yes, by asking one. So ignorant. Unless of course, you have solid proof. Have at it.

  • Paco

    @Josh447: The majority of bisexual men are in the closet about their bisexuality. Gay or bi, they are still hiding their preference for homosexual sex in the closet, while bitching about the gay men that are bravely open and don’t conform to their or society’s ideals of masculinity.

  • Royce

    “I’ll go to his place and spend a night or two with him … We obviously do things other than sex, so, yeah, we go to dinner, go out and go shopping, stuff like that.” Sounds pretty gay to me ;)

  • Captain Obvious

    This is getting extremely funny now. When the media was trying to demonize gay black men who were closeted they were called “down low” and it was made to appear as an epidemic spreading AIDS across America.

    Now closeted white men are being called “dudes” and it’s totally cool and normal to be a closeted idiot cheating on your wife and lying to your kids.

    White privilege doesn’t exist though right?

  • Captain Obvious

    Oh and I forgot how often the word “coward” was thrown around at closeted black men. And the claim that the “rampant homophobia” in black communities was the cause for the “down low” situation.

    Well these are closeted white men in nearly all white communities. I guess the rampant homophobia in white communities led these cowards to living a lie.

  • Josh447

    @Captain Obvious: And was not there a time when you were afraid? Or are you the only brave one on the block? Did you not go through any fear of coming out? Surely not by your advocacy for attacking people in the closet, Maybe they just don’t care to spread their underwear all over the world. So glad we have a perfect Hitler role model like you to behave by, should make things so much better in the world. Now get out there and shoot those closet cases. we’ll all be the better for it, donchya think?

  • Stenar

    Let me rewrite that headline for you, Queerty: “Insecure Gay Guys Continue to Pretend to be Straight, Marry Women, Ruin Lives, All Because They’re Too Chickenshit to Accept They Are Gay.” There. I fixed it for you.

  • Danny279

    lol! It’s kinda awesome how they trash effeminacy. You see, it doesn’t matter whether it’s open and proud gays or closeted gays or bisexuals or mostly straight dudes. Everyone agrees that effeminacy is toxic.

  • radiooutmike

    @Paco: Hey you know, as long as it is done between manly men- it is A-OK. I do notice how these guys mention their satisfaction when they all hook up together. But, they also don’t say, what they did to facilitate their partners orgasm…

    Two guys got together, they didn’t pleasure themselves but they magically have orgasms? They’re all alphas but don’t say the beta stuff they did.

    They may be bi or gay, I don’t know. But they aren’t being honest with themselves. And that I do pity.

  • jimmypalmieri

    I’m not gay…..my same sex fuck buddy is………mmmmmhhhhhmmmmm…..

  • Billy Budd

    HOW MANY TIMES, how many times will I have to declare that BISEXUALITY exists? Won’t you guys ever be convinced? You are nuts.

  • Ken A.

    And this is news, why?

  • Josh447

    what is it so difficult for some gay men to accept that sexuality is on a spectrum like everything else on this planet, and that bisexuals exist? What is with all the tunnel vision? Hopefully you won’t go phobic and run away like sulking 4yr olds like the religious Fanatics do when you ask them to prove god exists.

  • DMRX

    Let’s be clear about a couple of things:
    1. This guy is no “professor.” He’s a second-year doctoral student with a master’s degree from a no-name university. http://sociology.uoregon.edu/profile/tsilva/
    2. Calling interviews with 19 people a “study” is a stretch, to say the least.

  • Paul

    A straight-identifiying male friend of mine explains that he enjoys having sex with men “because with men, there’s no complaining.”

  • shawn_smith

    These men may or may not be closeted gay. I don’t even like the term gay to begin with. People have sexual urges that go in many different directions as this is who and what we are as a species. No need to attach a label it.

  • BriBri

    LMFAO!! This is along the same lines as straight acting!! It’s just an illusion!!

  • dbmcvey

    I don’t think “straight” means what they think it does.

  • dbmcvey

    @shawn_smith: Except there is, because if you stay in the closet it makes it easier to be oppressed.

  • mike_marx

    Labels….
    I am no longer gay, I am just a homosexual…
    The spectrum is wide, not everything fits for everyone.
    Be happy, be real, be honest and make sex great again!

    I have a lot of sex with guys mentioned in the article. They are great fun and I don’t care/judge that they are cheaters and liars, after all, I am married too, just in an honest and open relationship. Life is as good as you make it.

  • mike_marx

    @DMRX: depends on his protocol… Social studies have different parameters than blinded medical studies. 19 could provide enough power, depending on the design- but your point is very well taken.

  • slinky49

    I’m old and old-fashioned. If you repeatedly enjoy sex with people of the same gender as you, you are not “straight” in the way I understand it, but I get the aversion to labels like gay & bisexual [and, for some, “straight”]. We’re learning more and more that people have always and still do pursue sexual gratification in a variety of ways that don’t categorize and accept labels easily. I have had very satisfying relationships that included sex with men who also had sex with women, married women, had children, etc. I suspect this is more of a norm then it is culturally appropriate to admit or discuss openly. I am generally pleased that younger generations seem to be becoming comfortable with flexible behavior and labels like “sexually fluid”. It seems like a move in a healthy direction. I’ll feel even better if and when Queerty grows up and stops using juvenile terminology like “bumping uglies” and an adolescent tone when discussing human sexual interaction.

  • Brian

    I knew a straight-identifying guy once from a rural area. He loved “full-body masturbation”. This is where he intertwined with another male and engaged in the form of pressure that he would normally apply to a woman. There was no penetration involved – just rhythmic thrusting.

    After a few minutes, he was all hot and sweaty…and ready to fire rockets through the reinforced spring mattress.

  • nmharleyrider

    There is a way to rationalize everything, even having sex with another man. If that’s not gay sex, then I do not know what it is.

  • Brian

    @nmharleyrider: There is no such thing as gay sex. There is sexual activity between men but that is not gay sex. Sex can only exist between male and female.

    Sex, by definition, must be able to produce offspring. Therefore, it cannot be applied to any combination other than male-female.

    Men can imitate the sex act with each other but it’s not sex. It’s imitation.

    • here4nownc

      Umm I’m pretty sure you’re mistaking copulation or procreation for sex. Theyre not the same things. “Sex” is just short for sexual intercourse, which simply refers to the penetration of one individual by another and is not gender specific.

  • Brian

    The “bisexual” spectrum is huge. In fact, most straight-identifying guys fall under the bisexual spectrum.

    The reason they won’t admit to it is because women punish men who admit to being able to swing both ways. Women are the oppressive force in this regard.

    Women don’t like the idea of straight-identifying guys being able to swing both ways. It destroys girl power.

  • JohnMc888

    Sex refuses to conform to any ideology, including “gay theory.”

  • Arconcyyon

    uhaullllllllllllllllllllllllllllll ups my our the text conttus ilaryinpisc the pisc ! end the the end ! is like life the assk my assk mem has mem assk rusitcu ! more the heart´s is perfil end the eyes is eyes the guy boy guy biyfreindsguy ! luck our my luck the day today week is sexo gajosex gajo ! thanks queerty.internly .

  • Juanjo

    @DMRX: I am less concerned about the “no name” university than I am by his lack of sound scientific procedures in this little effort of his. His sample size is tiny and his apparent method of picking out subject is highly selective. In 1970 Laud Humphreys did a study on tea room sex which shows that most tea room trade at that time in the St. Louis area was straight identified, married, typically conservative white males. Now Humphreys’ study has been highly criticized for his apparent lack of concern for the anonymity of the men he observed as he write down license plate numbers of autos they were driving and had them interviewed by grad students about their backgrounds, occupations etc. He also made some rather broad assumptions about the types of men who engaged in the acts and their predilections, for example saying that very effeminate, unattractive queens were more likely to molest children [a conclusion for which he had no supporting data.] He was a self loathing old gay man at this time so no surprise there.

    But much of the data he accumulated was worthy of a look.

  • JerseyMike

    Every once in awhile I have sex with women guess I’m going to call myself str8. These men are not str8, bi maybe. I wish gay men would stop saying they are having sex with a str8 man.. If you have his Dicc in your mouth or your azz he is not str8.

  • James

    @Josh447: WOW, that’s a heavy-handed response. Yes, everyone has fear while they’re closeted. But it takes (ahem) cajones to come out. These manly men can’t muster the courage to be themselves openly? Then they’re not the great “men” they think they are. Good grief, the people they label less manly have got a ton more balls.

  • James

    @Brian: “There is no such thing as gay sex.”

    That’s just asinine. And if it were true, what on earth are all the fundies so upset about? If it isn’t sex, then what’s the problem?

  • Jan33w

    Most people, gay or straight, tend to think everyone is EITHER/Or gay or straight. But that’s true. Sexuality is a spectrum, and each of us falls on the spectrum somewhere, and almost no one is 100 percent either.

    Once you realize this, it’s easy to understand that the men who have sex with other men — most of the time, a few times, once, whatever — are just someplace toward the middle of the spectrum, a little or a lot.

    These are also the people, articulate it or not, who get that there’s nothing wrong with finding more than half the human race attractive.

  • Jan33w

    @Jan33w: damn it. That was supposed to be “That’s not true!”

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    “If I wanted someone that acts girlish, I got a wife at home,” one subject said.”

    Where’s the lie tho?

  • Jack Meoff

    I find it hilarious that the scenarios described by the interviewees about how they met and where they went to fulfil there man on man urges all sound like plot lines and scenes from gay porn movies. It’s all just so cliche but they still think they are somehow above the normal homosexual desires felt by other same sex attracted men. PUH-LEEZE!

  • Herman75

    So basically, they want to have sex with a guy, as long as it isn’t Carol Channing.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    At least they’re discovering themselves. I just hope they’re being safe about it.

  • Kangol

    So he just realized there are white DL guys and turned it into an academic study? OK, good for him!

  • icntblvit

    What a crock of shit. I am a massage therapist, half my clients are men married to woman, who do not identify as gay. “I’m married” Then why do they have an erection during MOST of the massage?

  • dwes09

    @Brian: ” There is no such thing as gay sex. There is sexual activity between men but that is not gay sex. Sex can only exist between male and female.
    Sex, by definition, must be able to produce offspring. Therefore, it cannot be applied to any combination other than male-female.
    Men can imitate the sex act with each other but it’s not sex. It’s imitation.”

    I wondered what kind of sad and warped comment Brian, the straight woman-hater (and from this comment, possibly a fundamentalist lying about who he is as well) might come up with, and in terms of humor and pathos he does not disappoint!
    As usual he fails to understand that words have intrinsic meaning, not just what he wishes/imagines they mean. If one looks at most definitions of sex and sexual intercourse in legal, medical and encyclopedic references the sex of both (or perhaps the several) partners is not limited, nor are the orifices or appendages involved specified. In fact, most reference the fact that sex in humans as well as a few mammals is more tied to communication and affection than to the desire to procreate. Sorry Brian, you fool, gay men and lesbians have actual authentic sex, they are not imitating anything. Unlike you, who is imitating a person who actually knows things.

    The definition that Brian produces is common to fundamentalist religious nuts. But I guess perhaps confused, neurotic woman hating men who pretend to be gay on comment boards also believes that crap. .

  • girldownunder

    @Brian

    “Sex, by definition, must be able to produce offspring.” That’s just silly. So, you have your very own dictionary which holds your own beliefs?

    “The reason they won’t admit to it is because women punish men who admit to being able to swing both ways. Women are the oppressive force in this regard. Women don’t like the idea of straight-identifying guys being able to swing both ways. It destroys girl power.”

    “Girl-power”? Women, are oppressive?

    Wow, way to shirk it baby! Never own it if you can wimp-out & blame-shift. So pathetic.

  • CBLagoon

    And the plot thinnens…

  • Brian

    Women fear the power of male-male interactions. These could include male- male sexual bonding (which is often centered on mutual admiration of women’s bodies) or male-male frottage or penetration (which occurs in, but is not confined to, men who have virtually no sexual attraction to women).

    Because men are such highly sexual creatures, it is totally natural for them to seek similarly sexed individuals for the purpose of pleasure. Thus, men with men is like-meets-like. It is totally natural from the pleasure perspective.

    Women find this totally threatening as it interferes with her business model. Her model is based on the idea that men must remain attracted to women only.

    She will do everything in her power to diminish the occurrence of male homosexual desires in.men who are also attracted to women.

    This includes acting like a slut.

  • Captain Obvious

    @Josh447: WTF are you even on about? Did you even read what I wrote? The answer is already in my posts. This isn’t about being closeted and afraid. It’s about how black men were labeled “down low” for this behavior and white men aren’t.

    Read BEFORE you respond.

  • dwes09

    @Brian: “Women fear the power of male-male interactions. These could include male- male sexual bonding (which is often centered on mutual admiration of women’s bodies) or male-male frottage or penetration (which occurs in, but is not confined to, men who have virtually no sexual attraction to women).”

    Once again, making something up does not make it true. That is why people do actual research. Though this guy’s research is poor, AT LEAST HE HAS THE PRETENSE OF ACTUALLY DOING SOME. Presenting your fantasies as if they have some substance says something about your grasp of reality, and it is not good. Get some professional help, you obviously are troubled.

  • alanballs

    An interesting enough article. So dudes in the USA are coming to realize what the Greeks have long known: women are for procreation and men are for pleasure.

  • alanballs

    @Brian: yes, Brian, you make a valid point about disrupting a woman’s business model.

  • alanballs

    @Brian: you’ve gone way off base with some of your opinions, but that’s ok (as you stir up the pot) because it’s entertaining how USA dudes struggle with their various definitions of sex.

  • kcguy

    @icntblvit: That is why we seek out gay masseurs as we want HAPPY ENDINGS. we want the fantasy of being gay and gay sex without the commitment of being gay. We grew up at a time there was too much stigma to be gay. How I wish I was 18 today vs 56.

  • Josh447

    @alanballs: Yup, the saying goes, dogs are for love, women are for kids and men are for sex. At least that’s how we said it in my hood. love it always have.

  • Herman75

    Perhaps B. had some woman in his past that was relentless. His mother? A high school teacher that snickered his jazz hands were a little TOO perfect?

  • Josh447

    @Captain Obvious:
    I was commenting on the fact you called white married bi men who rarely have sex with men and who live in a no win situation “idiots” when they are making the best of a really fucked up bad societal situation. In our society of rampant homophobia, if you tell a woman while dating that you are bi, you can pretty much kiss getting married and having a family goodbye, for good.
    Your last paragraph seemingly called all down lows and white bi married men who act on their bisexuality without disclosure, cowards. If you would have put cowards in quotes, it would have read a different way referring only to media fodor. That was my take away. If you were meaning something different, then please do clarify. Words and grammar often do mistakenly mislead.

  • captainburrito

    “A guy that I would consider more like me, that gets blowjobs from guys every once in a while, doesn’t do it every day,” another subject said.”

    Cos if you do it everyday…

  • Josh447

    … then more hot guys start piling up at your door.

  • Mike999

    Astonishingly silly article. The professor seems to think closeted men are new and unusual enough to write a fanciful and utterly bogus article about it. Straight men do not have sex with men. Period. Many of my closest male friends are straight and have no problem whatsoever with my being gay because they have absolutely no interest in having sex with me or any other man. And, I have hooked up with a few of these married guys and if you scratch the surface just a little you find they are miserable and frustrated in their “perfect” marriages. The professor needs a serious reality check.

  • cdndmf

    @Captain Obvious: Very astute. Thanks for pointing out the double-standard of this dangerous and stupid article.

  • jdboston617

    @Josh447: LOL. Thanks for your comment. I stand by what I wrote. I think it’s funny that you are offended since there is nothing offensive in what I wrote. But hey, whatever… :)

  • Brian

    @Mike999: You have identified as “straight” the men who have no interest in having sex with you. I can understand that.

    However, you go on to arrogantly claim that these same friends have no interest in having sex with any other man. How do you know this? Have you got a fantasy checker attached to their brains?

    Remember, it all starts with a neck massage and then comes the dirty talk.

  • tomk1of1

    There just is no such thing and it is justifying a homophobic society. These are not str8 men they are bi…period. Anyone over the age of 40 knows this because so many more people were in th closet b4. They are bi,.not str8,

  • NCSilverBear

    So, if I like the companionship and then sex with “manly men”, does that mean I’m not really gay? LOL I think the author needs to look again at the definitions of “homosexual” and “gay”.

  • coffeeaugur

    GOP Sex …. (Guy On Pal)

    :-D

  • coffeeaugur

    No wonder them fkrs are so grouchy …. they’re stuck with their woman, when all they really want to be is with their man :-D

  • Josh447

    @jdboston617: hey! I read another comment and somehow accidentally replied to yours. You’re totally right on no argument there. Have a good one bud.

  • ErikO

    @Captain Obvious: That’s very true, you probably have noticed how the media and even white, Asian, and Latino LGBT people love to claim that every black man is “DL” or “down low”, when this is not true at all. But somehow latino, white, and Asian men who are bisexual or gay who are not out are not called out as being closet queens on the DL?

  • AJBray

    @Josh447: They’re still closet cases; they’re just closeted bi guys. The last time I checked, there’s a “B” in “LGBTQ”. That would mean one has to COME OUT as bi.

    Dearest Queerty — we already have a handy-dandy term for peeps who are attracted to BOTH genders. Please stop trying to make up pseudo-jargon to re-market and repackage generic bisexuality. It’s NOT that damned difficult.

    To quote “Better Than Chocolate,” (that classic Canadian lesbian flick that was SO awesome to me as a baby Sapphette) “Soft centres…hard centres…I like *alllllll* the chocolates in the box.”

  • SnorlaxationKH

    Some dudes like to have sex with dudes, occasionally, but don’t actually want to ‘be’ with or ‘live’ with a dude.

    Sexuality is a very complicated thing, while also being very simple. Some people just want to have sex with who they want, regardless of labels.

    Men with a need to reaffirm their straightness do so because they see enjoying other males as a weakness, or rather, have been taught to see it that way. It’s not all that hard to understand.

    Other men would rather go the Subway (eat fresh) route, and pick and choose what parts of their life they’d like to have: two kids (one boy and one girl), wife (younger/Brunette), one story home (backyard pool), sex with Jim (on weekends).

  • Captain Obvious

    @Josh447: Not reading any of your gibberish responses because you can’t even understand what you’re replying to. You can stop wasting your time now, clown.

  • Captain Obvious

    @ErikO: Yep it’s tiresome. I’m pretty sure they’re still doing it when it’s about black men and have been for nearly 2 decades at least. When it’s white men or anyone else apparently they’re just experimenting and still straight because they say they are.

    All the offensive commentary even posted on this site about needing to “educate” black men and how black men are cowards for this behavior.

    Now here we have it all turned around in the reverse because the topic is about white closeted guys refusing to come out. It’s pathetic really.

  • Sluggo2007

    “Straight” men are having sex with each other? In other news, water is wet and the sky is blue.

  • Josh447

    @Captain Obvious: I stand by what I said, if you can’t write clearly, then take a class and get it wright cupcake.

  • Josh447

    @AJBray: Yup, they are closeted married bi guys, but whose right is it to determine when these “idiots” (compliments of Captain Delirious) “COME OUT”?

  • hornymouth

    Hey… I just like providing oral sex to married guys. I find that a lot of married guys just want to hook up because they are not getting it at home. So I gladly help out. And we all go home with a smile on our faces.

  • Josh447

    [email protected]hornymouth: That’s funny. My str8 brother does the same thing i.e. have sex with married women that aren’t getting any at home. And of course now we know why. ;}

  • Tydeezy

    Sexuality is fluid point blank. They say guys are less fluid than females. I personally think thats due to society. It more acceptable for a woman to be bi than a man. We all know that. Im bi and ive had a few relationship with women and some are not okay with it but yet they have been with girls and exspect me to be okay with it. I mean yea its kinda hot but to me its a two way street u cant, if i cant. But society has fashioned it this way. Women also have a problem with it because there is even more of a chance to cheat. Now she has to not only worry about women but men. So it really comes dow. To how chill your girl is and what kind of trust u have. Ive never had a relationship with a guy cause guy cant seem to talk about emotions or at least the ones ive been with and im an open person. I also want the whole kid thing and house with a women to. Not to say im not open for a male. But i again partly blame that with conditioning from what society has taught. But im okay with that i just have to find one awsome women and i can wait lol. But this is just one opinion, my opinion if ur in that bi spectrum be true to what you want and yourself and you wont have to sneak around just to satisfy urges. The more men that are honest with themselves and lovers the more and wont settle for people that cant accept them. The better.

  • kcguy

    @hornymouth: we appreciate your attitude and your willingness to help put a smile on our face. Happy endings are always the best my book

  • Surg

    @Paco: perfectly explained paragraph!! and just to top it off, they’re actively searching for men to play with. Im sure there’s women on craigslist ads having a need as well. . .

  • cosmos1234

    Who wrote this article ? The title is so miss leading, they’re obviously in denial, Bisexual at the very least, certainly not Straight, in other words Men with no balls that like to think they’re straight but ain’t……the worst kind of self loathing there is.

  • darkanser

    @Paco: I think I lost that illusion when reading one simple passage in a sex education book when I was 14. It took me over 7 years to begin to accept myself. So you can imagine how confused I was when I heard — many years later — about this whole “downlow but not gay” mantra some men are telling themselves. And I thought I was delusional before I was 14!!!

  • darkanser

    @Paco: It’s complicated. It’s one thing if flaming guys are not your preference. It’s another thing to be publicly/privately advocating for our oppression while enjoying the benefits of gay sex at their convenience. There are guys out there who prefer drag queens so to each his own. There are people who self-identify as gay or straight who tolerate each other but won’t tolerate self-identifying bisexual people or assume they’re lying to themselves. And I do think it’s worse for self-identifying bi-guys. I had a discussion with someone who thought it’s not likely for guys to be truly bi-sexual as it was for women. When asked why he thought that, he mentioned how emasculating getting penetrated was for a man. That struck me as a peculiar point of view which might apply to some men but clearly not to all. I dated a bi-man who was once married with two children. He still sleeps with women occasionally. Let’s face it. We’ve all been raised to be straight and live in a straight culture. It’s impossible for the mores of straight culture not to seep in. The oppression we face from the society at large often poisons our already complicated individual senses of identity and interactions with each other in numerous ways. It’ll be a long time before this disappears entirely.

  • Paco

    @darkanser: Of course it’s complicated. Can’t argue with that. I’ve only dated a couple of openly bi guys and with one of them, the relationship seemed to be very influenced by heterosexual programming on his end. But our relationship was never hidden or secret.

    Blaming society can only go so far when the men and women that live openly as gay or bisexual prove that there are limits to that heterosexual based societal programming and punishments for not abiding by those norms. And society will never have any incentive to change if same sex love is kept hidden or pretended to not exist by clinging to that default label of “straight”. In other words… We can’t be the enablers of our own oppression.

  • flexdoc

    Men have always been able to compartmentalize sex. Straight , gay, ircsbywhete in between. This is not new news.

  • GayPal

    WOW, first time heard dude sex, I thought there was only gay sex. Other reasons the men said they preferred to have dude sex as opposed to gay sex was because it happened quicker and didn’t involved lengthy email exchanges, or they felt there wasn’t the threat of the other man becoming emotionally attached to them. How telling.

  • Maude

    “Everything old is new again”…..
    See any fact or fiction book on ancient Greece.
    But most especially “The Last Of The Wine” by Mary Renault.

  • Captain Obvious

    @Josh447: Get it “wright”? Take your own advice, sweetheart. Stop replying to people trying to stir stuff up no one said anything offensive to or about you.

  • DarkZephyr

    While I agree that there is SOME bisexual erasure going on in these comments, I don’t think there is quite as much as some of you seem to believe. Calling these guys “closet cases” is not bisexual erasure because bisexual men can be closet cases. And if these guys are doing this behind their wives’ backs and “being discreet” about their desire to seek out sex with other men, they are indeed in the closet whether they are bisexual or gay.

    As far as I’m concerned their sex lives are their business and I am not going to judge them for that or for being in the closet, I was in the closet myself once, but they can f*** off with the fem shaming. If you want to be in the closet, fine, but don’t f**king denigrate those that have taken the step to come out.

  • DarkZephyr

    By the way, those of you who are attacking this article for bisexual erasure may possibly not have read the entire thing, as it DOES cover that some of the men identify as bisexual. Its clear that the article and this Tony Silva are simply respecting how these men actually self identify.

  • miguel

    Wait. What did I just read lol? It’s like a white version of a E. Lynn Harris novel. Rural, i.e. country boys, reminding me of that Hugh Grant film “Maurice”. But that movie took place in Edwardian England (play straight to public, have gay sex in a hidden back room). A kind of rural/country boy living on the down low, where it’s all celebrated and expected, instead of being scorned and admonished:

    “I go on road trips, drink beer, go down to the city [to] look at chicks, go out and eat, shoot pool, I got one friend I hike with,” another guy explained. “It normally leads to sex, but we go out and do activities other than we meet and suck.”

    I noticed the author also limits their sexual desires and proclivities to sucking, because I’m guessing to get more intimate and discuss kissing and intercourse would nullify the bro/dude prefix and just call it “gay”. This is interesting in a Brokeback Mountain kind of way. Well I found the ending to that flick heart breaking. Country boys being a prisoner to their times. This author seems to think turning off feelings and just “sucking” is possible because of an unspoken rule in this club. Sorry my man, people are people. Feelings will get in the way and these dudes are doing a lot more than sucking. Bro/dude sex just sounds like some corny/gym way of making everybody smile.

  • Josh447

    @Captain Obvious: Ah so you think calling people clowns isn’t offensive. You obviously live in your own tiny little tunnel vision world. Bubbleville, USA I suspect?

  • John

    I knew it!! After reading this it all makes sense. I am straight. I am married to a man, have “bud-sex” with my husband but we also eat dinner, go shopping, go to the movies, walk the dogs etc…But Im straight. People love changing (altering) the definitions of words to boost their line of thinking and self esteem. (hipefully soneone reading this got my sarcasm in the first sentences)

  • avesraggiana

    NO, they’re not. Just, please, stop…

  • grethomory

    This is a crock of crap…straight men might fool around, but mainly it’s with women. These guys who are the subject of this article are gay or bi…but straight…they are not.

  • inbama

    This is more thought pollution from the folks who gave us “gender identity.”

    You can “identify” as gay, straight or bi all you like, but what your brain scans and measurements from erotic stimulus tests show are the reality.

    Sexual orientation, like transsexualism, is a physical trait. You don’t get to decide.

  • Knight

    As a bisexual man, I can say this is exactly how I grew up. Unfortunately, too many men who self-identify as “gay” take a very “us or them!” attitude to sex…which for them also means sexual identify. Guys who have grown up during their formative years as straight (i.e. with no sexual interaction with other boys) then discover that it’s a LOT easier to get sex from other guys (AND CHEAPER!!!!!!) still have the same urges with women…it’s just not as accessible, especially if that woman is now their wife of several years (women run hot and cold…something a gay man will never understand). So, yes, there are absolutely moral issues with cheating on one’s partner with another man or woman just for sex, so I’m not recommending it necessarily. Just saying, for anyone who believes a man having sex with another man automatically turns him into a self-identifying “gay man” (or even that it will happen twice) is very mistaken.

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