The tiresome argument resurfaces every June, just like a scorned ex who’s always lurking around the corner.

“If there can be Gay Pride, why can’t there be sTraIgHt PrIdE???”


Well this Pride Season, we’ve shut down the caterwauling… for good! The next time some whiney straight bro complains about nobody wanting to celebrate them, feel free to respond with the following: “Where in the world are straight people actually unsafe?”

Crickets… Crickets… Crickets…

A person on X called “@GUNKLE2” even wrote down the rebuttal on a sign, which appears to be located somewhere in the U.K.

“We’ll [organize] Straight Pride as soon as you tell us the names of countries where being straight is dangerous.”

We’ll wait!

Of course, the answer to that question is “zero.” Straight people never have to worry about running afoul of decency laws when they travel anywhere. Contrastingly, there are still 64 countries in the world that criminalize homosexuality, and many more where LGBTQ+ folx lack basic civil rights.

In fact, marriage equality is only legal in 36 countries, almost all of which include powerful conservative activists and politicians looking to undermine LGBTQ+ rights on a daily basis.

It’s an easy concept to understand. Gay people are not universally embraced, or considered part of the norm. Thus, it’s nice to pick one month out of the year to celebrate queer identity.

Despite loud and obnoxious objectors, the majority of heteros appear to understand the reasoning behind Pride. Whenever right-wing organizers try to hold “Straight Pride” events, they’re sparsely attended.

Five years ago, a group called Super Happy Fun America hosted a “Straight Pride Parade” in Boston, which took place along the iconic Marathon route. Every April, the route is packed with tens of thousands of onlookers, enjoying one of the most exciting days in the city.

Suffice to say, the Straight Pride Parade didn’t elicit the same kind of enthusiasm. The event drew a few dozen people, who were greatly outnumbered by counter-protesters.

Unsurprisingly, there weren’t a lot of women in attendance, either. AOC, among many others, pointed out the dichotomy.

“For men who are allegedly so ‘proud’ of being straight,” she wrote, “they seem to show real incompetence at attracting women to their event.”

Checkmate! Need we say more?

Apparently unfazed, Straight Pride organizers tried to stage similar events around the U.S., only to draw absolutely no one.

Well actually, that’s a bit unfair. They didn’t attract nobody. Straight Pride in California (population: 39 million), drew… 20 participants!

Dallas Straight Pride, meanwhile, had a whopping two attendees.

With those embarrassing outcomes in mind, the “Straight Pride” crowd has been dormant in recent years. That is, unless one travels to western Idaho. This June, a bar called the Old State Saloon is celebrating “Heterosexual Awesomeness Month.”

The festivities include “Hetero Male Monday,” which if you ask us… sounds pretty gay! Gay people have been appropriating from straight culture since the beginning of time, right down to jockstraps and tighty-whities.

In defense of the straights (gasp), there may be some areas where they aren’t welcome (unless they are true allies), especially during June: West Hollywood, the Castro District, Boystown, Dupont Circle, Hell’s Kitchen, Chelsea, Wilton Manors, etc. Or in other words, the most fun and vibrant parts of every major U.S. city.

Maybe it’s tough being straight after all. We’ll save our tears… if we have anything left to give by the time June is over.

The odds aren’t likely!

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