Hi Jake,
I’ve been living in Manhattan for almost eight years now, and I’ve been kind of in denial about how expensive it is. I feel it’s especially hard being a gay man, because if I want to dress good for the New York scene, go to all the “it” restaurants and bars, and live in a trendy neighborhood.
My friends are always inviting me to things and it ends up being hundreds of dollars for a random night out, but I never really say no, because I don’t want them to think I can’t afford it. Add on top of that the timeshare in Fire Island, trips to P-Town this summer, and other jaunts around the world (Tel Aviv Pride this year, for instance), and it’s an insane hit to my pocketbook.
I have a pretty well-paying job, but I think my friends kind of see me as a “power gay”. What they don’t know is that it’s a charade. I just added up my debt, and over the last eight years my credit card deficits and loans have climbed to the six figures. I don’t think I can sustain this anymore, but if I suddenly stop my lifestyle, everyone will wonder what’s up and realize that my life has been a sham.
What do I do?
A “Dour Gay“
Dear A “Dour Gay”,
It sounds like you might be channeling your inner Anna Delvey here (minus the pathological lying and illegal activity), and we all know from Inventing Anna that eventually the facade comes crashing down.
One of the theories behind why Anna Sorokin created her affluent persona is that she had a deep-seated desire for status, in order to gain acceptance. A lot of times, we can feel better about ourselves if we perceive that we have the approval of our fellows, especially those that we look up to because they represent something important to us.
In your case, I’m wondering if you see the lifestyle of a “power gay” as something you need to sustain in order to feel good enough, because living a lesser life would somehow make you less worthy.
It’s one thing to be privileged enough to afford the penthouse in Hell’s Kitchen, the membership to the SoHo House, and the Cherry Grove timeshare. It’s another to try and achieve that life when we really can’t afford it, simply to create some false sense of ourselves.
Pretending to be someone we’re not is something that many of us as gay men are used to. After all, we grew up most likely trying to pass as straight at some point in our past. We often learn to become keyed into what we think other people want from us, and pay attention to what garners the most acceptance and approval, simply as a survival technique. Now that being out as gay is not an issue, I’m wondering if this pattern of seeking approval has simply taken another form in your life.
In our society, and especially in gay culture, we often ascribe value to those that have wealth, success, and prosperity. If we are living the “high life”, it is seen as a good thing that is deserving of our admiration.
As exemplified in The Velvet Rage, the gay man’s Bible that unfortunately still holds up today, gay men are often unconsciously driven for success and wealth as a way to overcompensate for feelings of unworthiness. After all, we can’t help but absorb messages in childhood that being gay is “different”, and sadly, “different” is often treated as “less than” in our culture.
What appears to be happening now is that seeking validation from outside yourself is ironically the very thing that is unraveling your self-worth, because your financial life is in ruins. Part of self-esteem is taking care of our financial health, and at some point, going into this much debt is simply self-destructive.
Your task now is to do some internal work to build up your self-worth in ways that are more substantial, and put an end to the charade. You may no longer be able to go to that Michelin star restaurant, or maintain the membership at Equinox, but you’ll be increasing your financial health, and ultimately your positive sense of self (having a budget or financial planner can help with this as well!).
If people are shocked by the sudden change in status and financial freedom, so what? You’ve survived worse, including probably at one point being perceived as straight! If your friends disappear, maybe that says something about how substantial those connections were, anyway. Those who see your value without flashing the Black Card will remain.
Just like Dorothy when the Wizard of Oz pulled back the curtain and revealed himself to be an illusion, you’ll begin to learn the qualities you were seeking have been there all along. That said, you might want to return those ruby slippers.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty columnist and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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Fahd
Maybe run for a seat in the House of Representatives?
But seriously, Manhattan is nowhere to build equity.
Once one gets to six-figure credit card debt, it is too stressful for an individual to deal with alone. (Based on his grammar, I’m betting his job can’t be that well-paying.) Some people have benefited from Debtors Anonymous to address psychological issues, and he may wish to reach out to an appropriate attorney to see if he can work with creditors to help get the situation under control.
still_onthemark
“Just like Dorothy when the Wizard of Oz pulled back the curtain and revealed himself to be an illusion,”
Oh, Jake… are you sure YOU’RE gay? Toto pulled back the curtain.
Jake Myers
touche
bachy
I stopped climbing the gay money ladder once I got a good look at the kind of people at the top. I realized I wasn’t interested in gaining entrance to that milieu. Nor were they the kind of guys I felt attracted to. None of the people I encountered there seemed worth the price of admission.
bumblebum
Climbing is about acceptance, you gotta give good to get there. And that acceptance has a price of conformity… tightest body, best clothes. Hosting insane parties, being a dick, a pop culture wh*re to fit in … Just ask Andy Cohen he is the gay opitome of this topic. But has the means.
If it bankrupts you along the way… what are your true values?
BEPVA
Been there
Done that
Declared Bankruptcy
You’ve had your fun – but as they say in the Jane Austen novels: It’s time to retrench.
Leave Manhattan for a more affordable city
You can always visit NYC once or twice a year.
You can always visit Palm Springs or P-Town once a year – but you can also try other places – because life isn’t all about the circuit parties and tea dances.
Find your own interests.
Make your own life.
Live within your means.
andrewl
Perfect succinct advice! It must be stressful for young people (gay, straight, male, female) with all of these parasitic social influencers and the rash of unreal reality tv shows that portray lifestyles as standard that are simply not affordable or achievable to most people. It causes a feeling of dissatisfaction about one’s life when in fact you are living a perfectly good life compared to a lot of people currently alive and to 99% of people who have ever lived.
SDR94103
“power gay”,
stupidest crap ever.
Aaron
One of the greatest things a gay man can genuinely say to himself is, “I am enough. I was always enough.”
ardeshmole
This has to be the stupidest item I have read to date. This has to be total fiction I have never met anyone this shallow and ridiculous
PubisHairus
Unless you live under a rock—or are as shallow and ridiculous—you’ll find these types of gay men everywhere, in every generation.
PubisHairus
George Santos, is that you?!
bumblebum
Find a nice mature guy like me and get the hell out of Manhattan, I.e. after 911, Deloitte moved hq to Nashville…. $$, safety, etc… you can be a power gay anywhere, whether in overalls or a suit …. And a good internet connection
Otherwise you are into the scene and need to admit it but curtail the spending
Musk
I want to be a “Power Gay” too. Do they have recruiting fairs?
rand503
If the reason you are going in to debt is to keep up with your friends, I have news for you. Those friends are likely going in to debt to keep up with YOU. They are pulling the same sham as you. When the music stops, and it always does, you will no longer have those friends. You will find you both drop each other.
There is a slim possibility that they are real “power gays,” (highly doubtful — real people who have money can smell a poseur a mile away), but if they are, they will drop you the moment you can’t keep up with them.
Either way, you are on the fast track to nowhere. When you need help, they will disappear.
Cut your losses now, and find new friends who are just as happy with drinks at home, eating out at a diner, and a night out is a walk in Central Park. There are plenty of those people around, and they aren’t so shallow as to dump a guy just because he can’t afford Noma.
winemaker
As she’s one of the family, Suzie Orman would have a field day with gays and lesbians like this. Those fools who live big without the funds to do so to make themselves look good and accepted by society and keep up with the Jones’ are fools with a capital F. How many do this for years, piss their money away on BULLSHIT and when they get older have regrets of not saving and end up having to live in poverty or a social security check (that for the most part is an insult, pittance and disgrace ) in old age? Sadly this is the result of not being smart with your money, frittering it away on nonsense, like the latest tech gadget, dinner at a fancy overpriced and overrated restaurant, a new car when the old one runs well but might not be the latest luxury status symbol all being one paycheck away from being out on the street, if you get my drift. If people don’t want to hang out with you because you don’t have the big bucks to make a statement and basically piss away, these hangers on aren’t real friends or worth your time. When they’re laughing all the way to the bank later on in life ’cause they were smart with their money and made smart investments, lived well within their means and you are struggling to afford the basics you are basically dead to them. sad but true. Bottom line here: Living within your means, saving what you can is smart in the long run ’cause nobody else will do it for you nor caresabout what happens to you, sad to say. Many times you just have to say the following words : “No, i can’t afford it”. And if these so called friends don’t get it or drop you, it’s their loss, you’re better off without these deadweights. and leeches.
RomanHans
I was a non-Power Gay in Williamsburg, Brooklyn & loved every minute of it. Fun, creative people often have no money, & because they’re fun & creative they don’t give a damn.
One weekend I went to Fire Island with a bunch of background actors from Broadway shows like Priscilla & Jersey Boys. So much fun & such good dancers. At midnight they all split to go to the homes of Power Gays who were letting them stay for free, in exchange for looking hot by the pool. I guarantee you: if you’re going to envy anyone, it should be the poor, fun folks.
FreddieW
I hope the memories will cheer you up in the long, bad days ahead that you’ve made for yourself. Either you’re going to spend many years paying the 6-figure party bill (with interest) or you’re going to spend many years with a credit rating in Hades due to bankruptcy.
However, I think banks get what they deserve when they issue credit up to 6 figures to a party boy.
trell
Being gay is not a choice.
Being gay and living a lifestyle based on social status, image and prioritization of other peoples’ perceptions on you, is potentially either a choice, or an addiction.
It’s time to be a responsible adult and assess your finances, your friends, your lifestyle and the things that really do make you happy.
If your finances don’t cover the swanky restaurants, or circuit parties, or lavish wardrobe, you need to make cuts, just like any other human being who has to choose between covering the bills, rent, food etc vs. buying validation in the eyes of others.
If your ‘friends’ are the sort of people who only see the veneer, and are only interested in you because of what you wear or where you eat, and are people who you couldn’t rely on if you truly need help, they are not friends.
If your lifestyle is now geared towards obtaining this constant need for status and validation, and you are now stressed and unhappy because you can’t keep up. You need to change your lifestyle and have a really good look at what this ‘community’ that you seem to circulate in, is all about.
I think the main issue here is a need for status, validation and image. It’s a psychological need, and this needs to be addressed first and foremost.
As for this community of the rich and famous, it is fickle. – For all you know, everyone else is in EXACTLY THE SAME SITUATION, trying to maintain an increasingly unrealistic social status.
My advice – Seek professional psychiatric help to identify the causes of your need for validation. Find other aspects of the LGBT+ community that might be more rewarding and positive, like volunteering, outreach or campaigning. If your friends sneer at you for this, they were never friends in the first place.
Finally, and be absolutely honest with yourself, imagine if one of your current friends were to come out and say ‘I am struggling financially. I can’t maintain this lifestyle’, how would you react? how would you perceive them in this social ranking system in your head? How would other friends react? What would you ACTUALLY DO to help them? – Again, these need HONEST answers, not fickle wishy-washy altruistic, idealised answers.
radiooutmike
Let me guess, you’ve never heard, “I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene?
Being gay has nothing to do with money. You would probably be in the same amount of debt if you were a straight man chasing poon in Manhattan as well. If you have to work for your living, living in Manhattan is not for you.
You’ve had fun, but now you have to pay the price. And I get it, that sucks. Move out of Manhattan, do the commute and pay off your debts.