The FDA has decided that the blood coursing through your veins isn’t a lifetime threat to the American public — just a year-long threat. So sometime next year, you can start donating blood.
Or more accurately, you can start the clock running on when you can donate blood in 2016. Because to do so, you have to avoid “sexual contact” with another man for at least a year. For your ordinary homo, never lacking in opportunity or desire, that’s an extreme challenge.
And don’t forget that sexual contact means everything because the FDA thinks everything you do is equally risky, even though it’s not.
So to donate blood, you need to get ready now, which means giving up sex for a year.
To help you meet this noble goal, here are ten tips guaranteed to strangle your libido…
1. Watch a Pat Robertson marathon.
Every night, you can spend time among the wreckage of the televangelist’s psyche by watching the hundreds of hours he’s spent on CBN. Let Pat remind you that gay sex isn’t very pretty, that you can catch AIDS from towels, and that being gay is like demonic possession. You’ll be so turned off sex or laugh so hard that the effect will be the same.
2. Take a walking tour of the deep, deep South.
You know, places like Tupelo, MS, the headquarters of the American Family Association and Bryan Fischer. Or Alabama, where you can count the number of antigay license plates you see. Or Louisiana, which refuses to remove an unconstitutional sodomy law from its books. Just be sure to stay clear of New Orleans, or you won’t be able to donate blood until 2017.
3. Visit Russia.
Yes, the land of Vladimir Putin, which has been proven to cure homosexuality (at least in the case of Gerard Depardieu). Alternately, Putin’s fellow homophobes can beat you to a pulp if they suspect you’re gay, in which case you may need blood before you can ever donate it.
4. Join the Catholic celibacy movement.
Yes, it’s officially a trend, because the mainstream media has reported on it. You can be a perfectly good Catholic by denying one of God’s greatest gifts and at the same time satisfy neither your puzzled LGBT siblings or the conservatives who would just assume purge you from the Church. But you will be able to give blood. (Obviously, celibacy doesn’t apply to priests.)
5. Become a Salvation Army officer.
Catholicism isn’t military enough for you? There’s always the Salvation Army. It’s every bit as repressive, but it comes with a uniform.
6. Borrow an Ebola quarantine tent from Chris Christie.
Want to cut yourself off from any human contact? Chris Christie has a bunch of tents left over from his disastrous (and unscientific) decision to throw a nurse who helped Ebola patients into quarantine. The downside? No cable.
7. Start swilling soy sauce.
Soy reduces testosterone levels and with it sex drive. Put soy sauce on your corn flakes in the morning, have an edamame shake for lunch, have a soy burger for dinner. After a while, you’ll probably feel nauseated as well, which will help you reach your overall goal.
8. Take up a really boring hobby.
How about collecting old phone books? Or sculpting butter? Or photographing roundabouts? (It helps if you’re British for that last one.) Plus as a bonus, you can shop at Hobby Lobby and contribute to the erosion of LGBT rights at the same time!
9. Become a Republican.
Never mind. No one’s that desperate to donate blood.