NEWS: A Royal Pain Of A Portrait, No Baby For Elton & Lindsay Lohan’s Casting Call

The National Portrait Gallery commissions the first official painted portrait of The Duchess of Cambridge, where it was unveiled today in London, 2 days after Kate's 31st birthday

Kate Middleton‘s official portrait was unveiled today and while everyone and their queen mother hated it, the Duchess of Cambridge apparently thought it was “amazing” and “brilliant.” Because calling it “a steaming heap of monkey feces” is not language becoming of the future Queen of England.

– The newly reunited Destiny’s Child will join their lord and master Beyoncé on stage at the Super Bowl halftime show, but good luck seeing Michelle through all that shade.

– As if Beyoncé’s plate wasn’t full enough, the pop superstar is rumored to be the new face of H&M.

– Unofficial sexiest man alive Ryan Gosling appeared on Conan last night where he brought up a very lucky studio audience member to do the heavy lifting for him:

– In case you were wondering what it was like to cast Lindsay Lohan in a movie: it’s awful. 11 pages worth of awful [read: awesome].

– Turns out Elton John and David Furnish don’t have a brand new baby to fawn over and dress in ostentatious glasses after all. Leaving poor Dakota Rounds O’Donnell playmate-less.

Lady Gaga and Kelly (and Sharon) Osbourne are apparently in some sort of feud that no one cares about.

– 9-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhané Wallis won the Best Young Actor prize at last night’s Critics’ Choice Awards for Beasts of the Southern Wild and had the most adorable speech ever. And we’re openly stealing her pooch purse.

– Meanwhile, Ben Affleck picked up Best Director for Argo, and reminded everyone that the Academy Awards snubbed him.

Tina Fey hopes someone’s boob falls out at the Golden Globes on Sunday. It’s the Globes so she’ll be lucky if that’s all that falls out.

– A male model and water balloons: a love story. Because we’re in love with it.

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