Forget the upcoming 2016 presidential election, mass shootings, the suffering of Syrian refugees, nother impending government shutdown, or even the most recent flu outbreak. These are not the problems that plague members of the antigay right, who do not even bother to mention them. They have far bigger concerns, like the color of Starbucks paper cups or where the shop for Christmas presents if you refuse to support a company that respects its employees.
Here is a list of the completely unique first world problems currently affecting members of the antigay right this holiday season…
Godless red coffee cups
Christian extremists took issue with Starbucks’ plain red holiday cups this year, which they interpreted as an act of war on Christmas because the cups didn’t feature any snowflakes or reindeer. As a result, self-proclaimed antigay “social media evangelist” and professional Chaz Bono impersonator Joshua Feuerstein called for an international boycott of the coffee chain. Unfortunately for him, the boycott never took off. In fact, it’s hard to trace the boycott to a single person other than Feuerstein himself. Sorry, religious right, Americans care more about egg nog lattes than they do about Jesus H. Christ. Not really, but they ain’t having your boloney either.
Gay street names
Residents in Pharr, TX, petitioned to change the name of their street, Gay Drive, to something less homosexual-sounding. “The word ‘gay’ used to be a word that the meaning was being jolly, being happy,” resident Mel Villarreal said. “Now they’ve added another meaning to it and they define themselves as gay people.” Well, that actually happened nearly a century ago, Mel. But whose counting? The street name must go!
Huge shortage of antigay companies
Mission America’s ever-charming Linda Harvey lamented over the dwindling number of antigay businesses in America.
“Well, it’s that time again — time to get out the Christmas list and start hitting the stores,” Harvey wrote in a blog post. “The problem is — what stores? For any Christian who wants to spend hard-earned dollars with family-friendly, Christian-affirming retailers, restaurants and service providers, the list is growing shorter all the time.”
She then called on readers to avoid the following stores: Macy’s, Target, Walmart and JC Penney. And to avoid products by Mattel, Levi-Strauss and General Mills. And to avoid online sites such as Amazon, Google and Facebook.
Too much Campbell’s soup
One Million Moms freaked out when Campbell’s Soup released a TV ad featuring two real-life gay dads. In a statement, the hate group accused the soup company of “glorifying unnatural marriage” and “sending the message that homosexual men are raising children, whom they wouldn’t have if a woman wasn’t involved, and they are OK with it.” Drama! We’re pretty sure it was just trying to sell soup.
The all-black cast of The Wiz Live!
“This is how I feel,” someone tweeted. “Remaking something with an all-black cast seems a tiny bit racist.”
“Minorities act like they’re the victims,” another person said, “but can you imagine if we made an all-white version of The Wiz?”
Actually, we don’t have to imagine. There is an all-white version. It’s called The Wizard of Oz and it stars Judy Garland.
Tylenol (Oh, and General Mills, too!)
In a recent vlog post, antigay Pastor James David Manning (a.k.a the Semen Latte Guy) called for a “national boycott against sodomy in America.”
“If you know of a business that is owned by sodomites, for instance Tylenol… we’re not going to buy Tylenol anymore!” screamed Manning, who once suggested Starbucks makes its lattes out of semen to attract gay customers and believes that gay people might be cannibals.
“There are many others,” he continued. “General Mills and many other organizations that will out themselves as being sodomite-friendly. We need to understand that we can boycott them!” Yes, you can, and good luck! (And by the way, pastor, sodomy seems quite popular among out straight brethren these days, too.)
American Girl dolls
In addition to the Campbell’s Soup drama, One Million Moms also flipped out at American Girl Magazine after it featured the story of an 11-year-0ld girl who, along with her brothers, was adopted by two dads. “The magazine… could have chosen another child to write about and remained neutral in the culture war,” the group said in a statement, apparently ignorant to the fact that if the magazine had ignored gay dads it would hardly have been remained neutral, it would have been siding with her! OMM then demanded a boycott of both the magazine and Mattel, the company that makes the dolls. Sales remain strong.