Six Easy Tips For Antigay Preachers

PreacherMan_lg_webThere’s no shortage of anti-gay religious rhetoric out there, from Tony Perkins falsely calling pedophilia a “homosexual problem,” to the more colorful idea that Starbucks “ingeniously” puts semen in its lattes. How many times have we heard an antigay propagandist complain that we are shoving equality “down their throats?”

But more often than not, these geysers of verbal bile run into some common pitfalls. So this one is for all you wanna-be antigay preachers out there (you know, the ones who read Queerty on the daily).

Don’t say we never did anything for you.

1. Figure out what “projection” is

We’ll help you out with this one, because we know how challenging nuanced thoughts can be. Psychological projection is when people “defend themselves against impulses by denying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others.” For example, a person who is rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude. See? Not so hard.

Now let’s look at how this relates to you. When you, as a “straight” person, spend a disproportionate amount of your time and energy on this planet consumed with thoughts of, say, semen or fart demonspeople are going to talk. And here’s what they’re going to say: “Oh really, Queen?”

“But we’re against drinking semen and think fart demons are evil,” you’ll inevitably reply. Ahh, that’s where projection comes in. The more you flail your arms and bitch about guys who take it up the ass, the more you appear to be begging subconsciously for the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit to bend you over your podium and make you scream Hail Mary!

2. Think about optics

They say that communication is only 10% what you say. The other 90% percent is how you say it, and that includes overall optics. For instance, it probably wasn’t the greatest idea for Tennessee pastor Larry Tomczak to preach that God punishes gay men by making them effeminate while bathed in rainbow light:



You want to get your message out there, right? Well that’s going to be hard to do if your audience is wondering why you’re up in the mountains enjoying some snowshoeing in your full orthodox regalia:




3. Learn some simple biology

We hope we don’t need to have the talk with you. If you don’t know know how babies are made, please Google it (hint: there are no storks involved). We’ll wait…

Got it? OK. Here’s some shocking news for you — gay people come into this world in the exact same manner. Now maybe you’ll stop writing things like, “If Christians simply took the command of God serious, in just a couple of generations there would be a mass expansion of Christianity and the gospel of Jesus Christ,” as columnist Tim Brown did recently.

Tim was talking specifically about fighting the advancement of gay rights, and meant that if Christians just got serious about procreating, there’d be a whole new army of haters out there soon. The problem being, he hopefully now knows, that a certain percentage of those little Bible thumpers would be far more interested in the gospel according to Gaga than anything Luke had to say.


4. Keep your gay porn habit to yourself

It may make perfect sense to you that the only way to stay abreast of what the enemy is up to is by regularly cruising the internet to survey our sinful smut, but to the rest of the world, it makes you seem pretty gay. And look, we certainly don’t have an issue with gay porn, but a word to the (un)wise — maybe keep that habit to yourself.

Peter LaBarbera, for instance, regularly posts gay pornographic images on his right-wing blog Americans For Truth.

The only truth we can see, Peter, is that you’re spending a lot of time hunting down gay porn. Maybe you should scroll up and read about projection one more time.


5. Choose your battles wisely

If you had it your way, women would stay quiet in the kitchen, children would read their Bibles more than they text their friends, and gays, well, we wouldn’t exist. You know, the good ‘ole days (that never were).

But consider this possibility — the more you rant and rant about how God is punishing our sins, the more sympathetic the world becomes towards us. Some of your verbal diarrhea may float in the comfort of your own Kool-aid drinking congregations, but when the general public catches wind of those obsessive tirades, the result is actually a reversal of your message. It’s a hell of a lot easier to connect with a victim than it is an oppressor.

And speaking of your kids, Parenting 101 teaches that the more you tell them not to do something, the more curious about it they’ll become. Don’t smoke, don’t drink, and definitely don’t look at boys like that, Timmy. Well now you’ve left him no other choice but to give it the old college try, if only to spite you.

6. When all else fails, just come out

It may seem like the hardest thing in the world to do, but once you get the ball rolling you’ll find it’s so easy and satisfying to just say what we’re all thinking — you’re gay.

These guys did it, and so can you:

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