Will Whomever’s Crotch Is Being Grabbed By Cristiano Ronaldo Please Step Forward?

God bless the Spanish media for its commendable coverage of Cristiano Ronaldo getting frisky with a male companion on a yacht in Saint Tropez (what a classy string of words), but could someone please let us know who this mystery man is?

In the meantime, we’ll just have to enjoy these five other weird, undeniably hot times Cristiano has popped into our feed:

When he self-wedgied:


When he had his nipples triangulated, for science:spl553535_001-445x670

When he got all artsy:Cristiano-Ronaldo-Mens-Health-UK-September-2014-Photos-002-800x1072-500x670

When taught the world’s least accurate anatomy class:

And let’s not forget when he unveiled his well-endowed statue:r8ky168mysrfyxbw4hhq-446x670