Contrary to popular belief, being a gay man isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Our lives may seem like a day at the beach compared to some, but there are plenty of grievances homosexual men face on a regular basis. And, no, we don’t mean dealing with things like bigoted bakers who refuse to make us wedding cakes or homophobic federal judges who choose to uphold their state’s same-sex marriage bans. We’re talking about those minor, everyday annoyances that plague our otherwise fabulous lives.
Check out these 10 totally obnoxious things you have to be gay to fully understand. And feel free to add more in the comments section below.
10. Straight girls at gay bars.
Everyone knows that gay bars are superior to straight bars. The guys are cuter. The music is better. And the drinks are stronger. So we completely understand why straight girls are drawn to them. But, ladies, if you’re reading, let’s just get one thing straight: You’re welcome to hang out in our space, but don’t expect us to fulfill your personal Sex-and-the-City/Will-&-Grace/gay best friend bullshit fantasy. Stay off the tables. Keep the squealing to a minimum. And please, for the love of Jesus, don’t make out with each other in front of us.
9. How XTube automatically assumes you’re straight and defaults to hetero porn.
Seriously, it’s kinda obnoxious.
8. Endless, meaningless banter on Grindr.
Grindr exists for one reason and one reason alone: For guys to get laid. Immediately. So if all you’re interested in doing is carrying on endless chatter with an online stranger for hours on end, then, please, go back to the 90’s and find yourself a chat room.
7. Superbowl halftime shows that don’t feature fabulous gay divas.
Bruno Mars’ 2014 Super Bowl halftime performance was nothing to frown at, but it paled in comparison to the spectacles put on by both Madonna in 2012 and Beyonce in 2013. Here’s hoping the NFL gets it together and picks another fabulous gay diva for 2015.
6. The fact the Janet Jackson hasn’t released an album in six years.
Speaking of the Super Bowl and fabulous gay divas, what ever happened to Janet Jackson? (Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty!) The chart-topping Control-freak hasn’t offered up any new tunes since 2008’s Discipline which, if we’re being really honest, left much to be desired. Here’s hoping the dancing queen makes a comeback soon, otherwise we’re going to be pissed.
5. Straight go-go dancers.
It’s just cruel.
4. The phrase “Truvada whore.”
Okay, not to get all serious and stuff, but… Just because someone takes Truvada doesn’t make them a whore. And even if they are a whore, there’s nothing wrong with that.
3. Guys who refuse to share a face pic.
It doesn’t matter how toned your torso is, if you’re not going to send a picture of your face then the deal’s off. Showing just a peek of forehead or the bottom half of your chin doesn’t count. And, no, claiming to be “VGL” and/or promising that nobody has ever been disappointed is not enough of a guarantee.
2. Being called “bro.”
While bromances between straight dudes and gay guys may be on the rise, sometimes it can still be a little awkward when a straight guy offers a fist bump and says, “What’s up, bro?” A period of uncomfortable silence typically ensues as the gay man wonders what to do next and the straight man realizes he’s just mistaken a gay guy for a heterosexual.
1. The moment you realize… You’re both bottoms.
Most. Obnoxious. Thing. Ever!
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Hearing some idiot say “that’s so gay” or “gay”, then turn to you and say “You know I mean the bad kinda gay, like stupid or dumb. What’s the big deal? I didn’t think you people wanted to be called gay anymore anyways.” And all the straight people act like they didn’t just compound it by agreeing with the first idiot.
@Gothrykke: Exactly! This is definitely my pet peeve. And for the most part, when some idiot says “that’s so gay” it is about something an idiot heterosexual would actually do. I realize they may gay in another manner, but perhaps they could just expand their vocabulary.
When a really good straight friend of mine told me “that’s so gay” , I looked at him and said “That’s so straight”. He understood my point…then apologized and said he’d never say that again.
“Oh, your gay? My cousin is gay, I should hook you two up!”
“Oh, your gay? I have a friend in that’s gay, do you know him?”
“So which one of you is the guy, and which one of you is the woman?”
Yeah, straight bartenders too.
What’s annoying about two bottoms? Most people have fingers. Many have toys. Some toys have two heads. Now, two tops, that’s annoying.
Two tops is really the worst. Nothing more uncomfortable than having someone diligently focus on getting into your ass when you are a top. That said, I wish people would remember there is a lot more to enjoy with a hot guy than just fucking. There’s a lot on the menu that’s just ignored because the top/bottom thing isn’t a great match.
@Mykaels: I absolutely DESPISE when someone asks which is the man and which is the woman. HATE IT!!
magazines like Men’s Health which write are *completely* hetero-centric and don’t even allow for the possibility of a gay readership. It’s all “how to please HER, how to tell SHE wants you etc etc.” They should be called Straight Men’s Health. Gay MEN are also MEN and interested in health and fitness (and probably a disproportionate part of the readership too)
@BBellairs: I just answer, “The one with a penis.”
@jaybravo: Yeah, I saw on Bill Maher’s show that Men’s Health recently featured Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL) barechested on its cover. It is the essential magazine for closet cases!
What is really irritating are the “writers” and others in the gay community who perpetuate stereotypes that we all like the same things, think the same way, and all prefer to keep ourselves separated from things like straight guys’ attempts at friendship by keeping in our own little gay boxes.
Lending an ear to your straight girlfriend (or even straight guy-friend) when she divulges all – and I mean ALL – of her sexual conquests and fantasies as well as asks you for advice on anal sex preparation, but then having her make that “ewww” face when you make brief mention of your own sexual desires or experience. Gay men are supposed to be sexual experts. At the same time, we’re supposed to be eunuchs.
Ms Urethra Johnson
Your straight friends slapping your ass while saying you’d like/wish it huh bitch, assuming that because you’re gay you’d want to sleep with any penis anyway, people that eat fast-food or in chain restaurants, dumb Smartphone users, Every shopper at Wallyworld (funny how them “lesser people” ALL have smartphones too), people that never use blinkers, people that spit in public, people that don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom…then want to shake your hand, guys that smell like girly girls or wear way too much cheap cologne, Teamsters, rednecks, violent people, religious types, conspiracy theorists, bug chasers, hipsters, tattoos, unkept beards, steroid meatheads, gay for pay homies, The Whole Jersey shore, FAUX news, white conservative females in FAKE Chanel suits, bitter and jealous young/naive/ignorant queens, homophobic psycho HASHTAG “activists”, pants worn bellow the buutts, the word CIS GENDERED (whatever that means), Vagisil/tampon commercials, prescription drugs commercials, Perez/Paris Hilton, peodophiles… and TRUVADA WHORES(irresponsible selfish jerks)… I feel much better now…
Ms Urethra Johnson
People that do heavy drugs…
You find a really hot guy and things are percolating then he announces he’s a….REPUBLICAN! Just heartwrenching
I think what tops the list for me is flamers who think they speak for the entire gay community and post stupid articles like this complaining about crap that isn’t a bother to me at all.
Whoever wrote this article, go get a real job.
@NoCagada: That’s really amusing. I had a straight guy do that to me, when I said something was “gay” not knowing that I was in fact gay myself.
I too got the message and stopped saying it.
People who think they are better than “flamers.”
@Evji108, “Two tops is really the worst.”
Seriously? Have you forgotten oral?
And I have yet to meet that legendary creature, the “total top.” I think they may be in the same speculative category as the Yeti.
This is embarrassing!!! Not all homos like act like little princesses, sleep around till they get aids and wonder why no one feels sorry for them, or consider Madonna and lady gaga as their ”gods”. Work retail or at starbucks. I personally hate pride parade because its a one sided circus that really just shows extremes of gay culture.. Some of us enjoy being wallflowers and not dress in pink, paint our faces like clowns and fart glitter.
I really like it when a straight guy calls me bro and gives me a fistie bump. It’s their cute, funny way of showing affection to other penis-humans.
Most of these are merely annoying.
I was at a gay bar in the Castro and, assuming she was a lesbian, danced with a woman who asked me to.
When I found out she was straight: annoying; but,
When she tried to take me home: obnoxious.
I had to remind her that there was a reason I was at a gay bar.
At times the both guys being tops or bottoms can be a dilemma but this tends to only happen when you genuinely connect with someone. Usually if it’s a hook up you discuss this in advance. If you genuinely have a connection, there’s other fun things you can do. Plus you would be surprised how many “bottoms” I’ve met that have suddenly become versatile and want to flip when we’ve gotten together.
And I’m down with being called a bro. I prefer my straight guy friends to my gay acquaintances. I don’t have many female friends. My straight guy friends kind of ARE like “brothers” because I don’t sexualize them once a friendship is established. That would just be wrong.
Just because I’m a fag doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to have comradery with my straight male friends.
Why does being gay mean I’m disqualified from being a “bro”? Last time I checked I was still male. Many of us gay men really embrace the gender binary and strongly identify as masculine, enjoy “guy stuff” and sports and very much relate with straight men even though there is one difference between us. We aren’t all into drag and Janet and Beyonce’s latest queef.
A true “bro” doesn’t care that you’re gay. I usually don’t say anything about my sexuality until it’s actually relevant, and by then they are taken aback because it destroys their stereotypes.
The author of this list has apparently never heard of “gaybros” There are articles on this and even a subreddit for it. GET INFORMED.
I did like the xtube one. No matter how often I try to set it, it always defaults.
Nothing wrong with chatting on grindr(most guys I know don’t use grindr we use growlr or scruff) and the apps.. It’s how you actually make friends and meet someone you actually might be able to date. Maybe the author only uses it for sex but not everyone does. A recent date I met on growlr told me he knew I was different because I didn’t immediately try to trade pics and talk about fucking.
Lastly, TRUVADA WHORES was intended to be a reappropriation of the word whore. it’s about reducing the stigma of assuming someone is taking Truvada simply so they can be a whore. The author even says it’s ok to bea whore. Ok well, then, it’s ok to be a Truvada whore too. Stop with the double standards. It’s saying “call me what you will but I’m going to make the choice that works for me.” It was meant to be empowering but the sad truth is the majority of HIV stigma lies within the gay community itself.
@Ms Urethra Johnson: why the hostility with the word “cisgendered” It was created to define people who’s biological sex is in alignment with their gender identity. It is useful when making distinctions in conversation and writing. The term “cis” goes back to Latin and is often used in science.
and I don’t understand why you think conspiracy theorists or rednecks can’t be gay. You are misinformed.
Going about people that are supposedly stereotypically homophobic or seen as appropriating our culture, yet being totally uninformed about transgender terminology and sounding transphobic yourself.
@iggy6666: “sleep around til they get aids” Did you really just say that? Some people go on Truvada because they’re in serodiscordant relationships and it’s another precaution against getting HIV(not AIDS you ignorant jerk)
@jaybravo: I think you just explained why Men’s Health refuses to come out.
@iggy6666: Wow, Iggy. You really stepped in it. I think perhaps you should seek therapy to find out why you can’t accept yourself.
@Horse Lips: I’m gay! I accepted it when I was a teen and have no issuse regarding my sexuality. Its not you’re place to play [email protected]faggotron: hiv leads to aids. Its not ”ignorant”, its the truth. If people want to be irresponsible and promiscuous it will catch up.
This list is really the most obnoxious. Not everyone uses grindr to get laid…even making that generalisation is making “us” look bad. I couldn’t give two shits about halftime diva’s or janet jackson. like someone said above…not everyone worships pop idols. I don’t mind being called bro at all, not to mention that I call people at work that. I feel like this list is geared more towards the gay guy that goes out every weekend, gets shitface drunk and makes poor choices in life. I mad an account just to ramble this off lol
Oddly enough the “moment when you realize the scene is not only willing to buy into the negative stereotyping that’s been shoved down their throats for literal decades, they revel in it” didn’t make the list.
@Mykaels: yeah asking “who’s the bottom and who’s the top” is bad enough when other gay guys do it, but “who’s the woman” is the worst, that’s a total straight thing to say.. and they have to know that it’s insulting..
@iggy6666: actually, if you take your meds, it doesn’t lead to AIDS. Not saying it’s something you shouldn’t avoid. But shit happens, people lie… The reasons why people become positive are not so black and white. It’s not only the irresponsible and promiscuous that get HIV.
Basically anything that assumes we’re straight whether it be websites, strangers, our own family, etc. Also, dating is a lot harder for way too many reasons but the first being we have less chances of finding another gay stranger without going to a gay specific place. It just sucks being in a minority :/
I had to do a double-take when I saw the screen grab of the Grindr conversation – for one moment I thought my account must have been hacked as that is just the kind of conversation I enjoy having via that app.
What some skanky knob-hound makes of it I could not give a shiny shit.
“Everyone knows that gay bars are superior to straight bars.”
They certainly have a superior attitude.
” And even if they are whores there’s nothing wrong with that “…Speak for yourself!
“Cis” means ‘ in this side ‘, like in Cisalpine Gaul. The north of Italy that ands in the Alps.
” Trans ” means ‘ in the other side ‘, like in Transalpine Gaul: The South of France ( and the rest of the Gaul ). After the Alps.
@Saint Law: Right there with ya!
I hate it when the guy that I’ve been talking to and quasi flirting with considers me a “friend”. Or the fact that in our community, there seems to be no room for intolerance. NOT EVERYONE HAS TO AGREE WITH US….lol…Dissenting views are welcome. The discrimination and shade thrown at fat gays, older gays, or anyone not in the majority in our community. For a group that survived hatred, we do a lot of dishing it out to each other. Just saying….
When a woman says of a gay man “What a waste”
Gay men that don’t like us effeminate boys. Sweethearts we are part of the community too so embrace all our fabulousness. Don’t shun or reject us because we don’t live up to your “straight” acting fantasies. You don’t have to date us but have enough balls to respect us.
@jaybravo, you are spot on with your comment on MEN’S HEALTH/FITNESS.
My impression is that it is a typical example of “GAY PANIC” that led to their inclusion of half-naked women and articles about hetero sex in their magazines, DESPITE THEIR LARGE GAY MARKET. I remember the initial years of these magazines when articles on sex used the neutral term “your partner.” Then all of a sudden it changed to “your wife” and they started including a section of some floozy with big boobs who likes kittens and world peace. WTF?
@bottom72: how do you respect someone with an online name like Bottom72?? And im guessing the 72 represents your birth year, placing you in your mid fourties, yet you still consider yourself a ” boy”, im sorry but once you hit twenty its no longer cute and downright creepy. Almost all effeminate men I’ve met are attention seeking, shallow, narcists that are looking for a meal ticket or daddy type to get them out of their parents basements or buy them a drink.
@iggy6666, I wish you would take your bigotry elsewhere. This is a site meant to be welcoming to GLBT people, not for self-hating homophobes like you.
@vive: im going to say a promiscuous barstar is a lot more self-hating then myself. I don’t dislike feminine men, but I also don’t like the fact that’s what ALL gay men are seen as.
The forgot straight bartenders at a gay club. That’s the fucking worst. The Abbey in WeHo must only hire straights guys. On a busy night the two easiest ways to get a drink are to have your female friend get the drink or have a $100 bill in your hand.
Iggy6666 honey, queens like me have been beaten up, marginalized and mangled for refusing to cave in to the “straight butch acting” norm, your words a vacant and wield n power. Queens like me are the type of gay man that we were meant to be, and nothing else.
@vive: That is so true !…and i love your “Gay Panic” expression ! I think i’m gooing to use it to describe what’s happening in France with “Le mariage pour tous”.
@bottom72: Hear, hear! I love my straight bros and bear friends but I just can’t do without my femme bros!! 🙂
#TruvadaWhore isn’t obnoxious at all. I’m proud to be a #TruvadaWhore and where my tshirt wherever I think it can start conversations about the importance of PrEP Sadly, far too few gay men know anything about it. And the #TruvadaWhores hope to change that.
Don’t knock Bruno Mars’ show at the Superbowl. He is a “male diva” for many gays and he put on a great show. In the list of Most Obnoxious Gays are those who are diehard supporters of Lady Gaga. I think that type should be extended to all female gay divas like Madonna and Janet Jackson, etc. And I need to clue you in, but not every gay is solely into dance music and hip-hop. I personally love rock and roll and jazz, so that in itself is an incorrect stereotype!
Im am utterly dissapointed. While you complain about how you cant get fucked quick enough trans and queer folks are getting their heads bashed in..But hey as long as you can BUY tHINGS like janet jackson cd’s and complain about your first world problems it no big deal right? Howabout cataloging ACTUAL micro aggressions that Gay, Queer, Trans and and other gender non conforming folks face like being asked about being fucked in the ass from every straight guy…or maybe using the privilege of being able to write an article and have it be heard on something other then perpetuating the idea that gays are consumerist sex freak alchoholics? Your class privilege is astoundingly blinding. You preface the whole article by saying NAH this isnt about actual discrimination this is about gay folks with money that have problems…forgt about the fact that half of youth that are homeless are because of their orientation. Forget that trans folk cant get jobs. Forget that 58 percent of lgbtq homeless folks are raped…as long as you got ur martini and grindr. FUCK YOU! This is the only time i have ever been ashamed of my orientation…Good job you are what is wrong with the world.
“two Bottoms don’t make a Top’, cluck the Real Gay Housewives.
they are “mad” because there was “nothing but bottoms” at the DC pig party.
when that muscular, fey ex-menudo member sings on youtube and rolls his blue eyes, the Gay Husbands lash out and label him reflexively:
“Bottom!”, they bellow.
Gay Housewives rush to soften the blow:
“he’s definitely a Power Bottom”, they hiss.
” Power Bottom!
“she’s owning it!”
get it, melanie griffith!
are we still talking about *anal sex* or is this about something Deeper??
why can’t We use descriptive terms like “receptive/insertive partner” to describe gays actively trying to engage in anal sex?
gay men are perceived to be equals unless literally engaged in s/m games.
are the fabled “two tops” literally locked into a deterministic battle to “shoot” the other, like joan crawford and mercedes mccambridge?
is the “butcher bottom” going to finally “submit”, and yelp into the pillow, “i’m gay! i’m gay”?
what happens if they just make out?
is that even “gay” anymore?
“he’s a total top!”
ooh! who is john gault, baby!
he’s gonna drive that train down those halls!
why all the dramatic, psychologically freighted 50s terminology?
are gay guys literally defined by what we do with Our butts?
is anal sex really *all* We know how to do?
i mean,some of Us did seem to get that impression in elementary school…
…”Tops & Bottoms”?
what’s that, some ancient fraternity poop ritual?
no one had better try to pin me down and label *me* like that,
or any child of mine either –
the least of which because i simply don’t want gay kids growing up to think that “gay” can really be reduced to playing a role!
Janet Jackson hasn’t recorded since 2008 because she married a multi-billionaire Oil Sheik and converted to Islam and said she isn’t recording anymore. I thought all the gays knew that?
@Gothrykke: I would tell him, what do you mean “the bad kind of gay”? There is no bad kind of gay. If you’re trying to say stupid or dumb, then I suggest you say “That’s so straight”. Why would you say “gay” anyway? Seems to me you’ve got gay on the brain.
ok the total bottom is the worst gay there is because there’s no such thing!! That’s the one thing that’s a choice for most men and they are choosing to be selfish lovers! The ones who only send ass pics? So frustrating – the best thing about being gay is getting to do both and to outright refuse to use your penis once in awhile to satisfy your lover is selfish plain and simple. Guys who won’t bottom I can tolerate more as there’s potential pain involved but if you got a dick then you can sit back and let me ride you for ten minutes before I reciprocate three fold. Thank you for listening
@princessjohnson: couldn’t agree more – total tops are guys who pretend if they don’t do anything but fuck they aren’t really gay; who wants to have sex and not kiss? And the power bottom? He has a penis he can use it too
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