With societal acceptance of LGBTQ people growing so much in the past few decades, what happens when one member of a heterosexual marriage evolves in their views and the other one stays stuck in the past?
For one man who recently vented on Reddit about his homophobic wife, his strategy is simple — don’t back down. His post has since gone viral, racking up over a thousand (mostly) positive comments of encouragement.
As the man tells it, a family conversation about the same-sex kiss between two loving, female characters in the Disney/Pixar film Lightyear sparked a “huge fight” between him and his wife.
“My wife was explaining [the kiss scene] to my mom and I and she was huffing and puffing about it ‘not being right’ and ‘not something she wants our kids seeing,” he wrote. “She looked to me for approval and I didn’t give her any. I just said I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me what other people do and if it’s in a kids movie it’s no big deal.”
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The man went on to explain that, “She was born and raised in the south by very conservative Christian parents. Her opinions about homosexuality are it doesn’t matter what someone does with their life as long as she doesn’t have to see it. I was raised different. I told her I wasn’t going to teach our boys to treat people different because they do things different than us.”
The argument grew even more heated, and he said his wife got so upset she tried to shove him out of the room. That’s when he walked away to reflect.
Comments started pouring in, with people applauding him for being a good dad and standing up to his wife’s bigotry.
In an update, the man elaborated on his own shifting views:
“We’ve been married for 11 years and honestly I used to be pretty conservative. I found homosexuality gross and didn’t want to see it around me. But as the years have gone on I’ve softened that view and it really doesn’t bother me anymore. Having kids actually changed a lot of my views bc I couldn’t be selfish anymore. I want my kids to be raised well and if they come to me with a problem I want them to know that I will listen to them and support them. I don’t ever want them to feel like they have to hide their thoughts or opinions bc ‘mom and dad don’t like gays’. I want them to grow up accepting of other people.”
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He also said that he’s “definitely going to have further conversations with my wife on this subject.”
Finally, the man offered this message of support to the many, many LGBTQ people who left thoughtful comments:
“For all the folks that have told me their struggles in dealing with family, whether you’re gay, lesbian, trans or anything else, I just want to say thank you for being strong. Know that there’s people out there who will give you support even if they don’t know you. You all have value and that value is determined by you, not someone who thinks they can judge you. It’s always possible that negative people can change (I’m one of them), but even if they don’t, just keep being unapologetically and unabashedly you. Because you’re so worth it.”
Nearly all the commenters agreed that those kids are lucky to have him as a dad.
miller2900
….that’s a marriage that is going to need some serious sit-down conversations about life in general. It’s great to read that at least one parent is getting ready to be fully understanding and hopefully accepting if any of his children should turn out to be gay and or “gay friendly” with one of their friends because the odds are really good at least one of his children will be either or.
Mack
Some of these right wing religious zealots have blinders on and think that if they don’t see it, it doesn’t exist. And unfortunately they raise a whole new generation of bigots.
Darson
It’s kind of funny cuz I would rather not see or hear anything regarding their ridiculous religious beliefs.
stanhope
Less so the disagreement, that she would shove him out of the room? Shove me? I call a lawyer…game, set, match…that level of violent disrespect, i divorce ….
bachy
I recall being surprised when I found out my conservative brother and his wife wouldn’t allow their kids to watch Glee! because of the gay characters and storylines.
Personally I think there is a way to illumine children about gays that is appropriate to their stage of psychological maturity. For instance, the television series Heartstopper (2022) is probably a really good introduction to gays for preteens. While the film Cruising (1980) would probably not be.
still_onthemark
Yes, as long as their kids are prevented from seeing Lightyear they won’t see or hear anything about homosexuality ever so it won’t even be an issue (eye roll)
Jon in Canada
Religion is anathema to the evolution of our species. For us to move forward, we must “put away childish things” and there’s nothing more childish than religion.
Caelestius
I agree, Jon, but that doesn’t alone stop homophobia. China and Russia and any number of nonreligious societies are antigay. Religion codifies things, but doesn’t invent them–including militarism, misogyny, homophobia, etc. Good old democracy, education and freedom of expression are the messy but effective solutions.
gaym50ish
This mom may be teaching her own kids not to accept THEMSELVES as well as others. She should never assume that every kid will grow up straight.
JJinAus
I’m sorry, but they should not have married in the first place.
FRE0
Right. People should never marry anyone who has different opinions from one’s self. If opinions are the same when the marriage occurs but later change so they are no longer the same, the two should immediately divorce.
Tim
So tired of the “I was raised int he south” bullshit excuse for being a bigot.
BrokebackBob
That marriage is over. Bye Felicia!
Laryagar
People are surprisingly resistant to ideas that alter what they learned as a child. The brain literally establishes its core nature and hardens those ideas by referring to them the rest of their lives, it pretty much is the definition of conservativism. This does not mean people cannot change or grow, but for some it is more difficult than others. Religion is often the breeding ground for conservatism because it is designed to pass along older ideas to maintain the status quo.
FRE0
It is true that people have difficulty changing their opinions, even if new information shows that their opinions no longer make sense. There are a number of ways of disordered thinking which cause problems.
When I was in high school we studied propaganda the aim being to learn how to spot flawed logic and not be influenced by it. In one lesson we were shown facial pictures of women and learned that how they were evaluated for beauty was greatly influenced by the names attached to them. For example, a face was rated more beautiful if the name “Sally O’mally” was attached to it instead of “Rachel Finklestein”. We also learned that people often failed to come to the correct conclusion if a syllogism contained emotional material.
All high schools should teach logical thinking and how we can be misled.
DBMC
Good for him. It shows that people can change. I hope the wife will have the ability to examine her reaction to this. It’s pretty over the top.
Fname Optional Lname
It’s so hard to comprehend that any adult can hold onto a mindset that does not acknowledge that earlier beliefs from childhood or adolescence can be wrong. The ego is so powerful and stubborn for some I guess but we live in the internet age. Information is everywhere. Nobody should be able to hide behind ignorance when they have the ability to step outside their bubble. I assume I am wrong often because the biggest turn off is listening to someone spout nonsense from their ego. I don’t ever want to sound like that. Ignorance leads to hatred and that leads to violence. Hearing people say they ‘have no problem with it as long as they don’t have to see it’ is not only b.s. but it’s bigotry at it’s core. Can you imagine telling someone -” I will tolerate you as long as I never have to see or hear you.”
Who the F do these people think they are? The world was made for all of us and we all exist.