In an anonymously-penned essay for The Guardian’s weekly column “My Life in Sex”, a gay explains why he’s only interested in having sex with his husband… and straight dudes.
“There have always been men who have sex with other men, but don’t consider themselves gay or even bisexual,” the man writes. “I should know; I’ve been sleeping with them since my schooldays.”
Obviously, this is nothing new. There have been countless books, studies, and academic articles written in recent years about straight-identifying men who hookup with guys but don’t consider themselves gay.
Related: This informal study of straight men who masturbate together reached some stimulating conclusions
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The man, who is in an open marriage, says he prefers sleeping with straight guys because “they don’t want romance.”
“With gay men there’s always the possibility that they could get the wrong end of the stick and want something more.”
The man goes on to say that, as a married fella, he’s “not interested in falling in love.” Now, thanks to dating apps and the internet, the “discreet, anonymous encounters” he craves are “incredibly easy.”
“There is little, or nothing, in the way of guilt,” he continues. “I’ve even encountered straight men who have male-on-male playdates with their wives’ blessing.”
Related: Survey finds a surprising number of straight men have some pretty gay tendencies
“I was initially skeptical, but this arrangement seems to work for everyone,” he adds. “The wife knows she has no competition from another woman; the husband knows he does not want a life with another man. It’s the definition of ‘no strings attached’.”
Of course, every now and then he’ll meet up with a guy who ends up catching feelings, and that’s always a buzzkill.
“One very tall police officer got a bit carried away, swore undying love and wanted to leave his marriage,” he recalls.
“I learned the hard way not to let things get out of hand. Now I make it clear that I’m only interested in a couple of hours of fun, before sending them back to their wives and girlfriends.”
Related: MMF threesomes more common than MFF because straight guys can’t get enough male lovin’, expert says
HankHarris
Newsflash – they are not straight. They may be bi, or just not able to accept themselves.
chase_boston
conditions, obligations and who moved my cake. We all lose, nope they are not straight!
Catholicslutbox
Nah, they’re just on the DL.
ShiningSex
TRUE!!! NOT STRAIGHT. QUEENS WHO THINKS THEY’RE THE ONLY ONES SLEEPING WITH THEM ARE JUST IN DENIAL. THEY’RE AT LEAST BI. DUH!!
Donston
I’m not here to police anyone’s self-identity. You never know why someone identifies as whatever they identify as. A dude can say that he’s “straight” all he wants to. But you never know what type of fluidity he may have experienced or what his dimensions are. You don’t really know if he ultimately has deeper feelings for his sex but is scared to indulge that or if he contends with things like internalized homophobia/hetero pressures/self-misandry. You’d likely have just as many random hook-ups with gay identifying men as straight identifying men who end up catching feelings. Going for “straight” guys is not a safe way to keep people from getting emotionally attached or wanting more than random hook-ups.
But stuff like this is partly why I’m starting to view identity as pretty much a joke. It’s still important in some ways, particularly if it’s important to an individual trying to establish confidence and a sense of self. But tons of straight-identifying people indulge whatever with their sex. Tons of gay-identifying aren’t really homosexual or they indulge whatever with different sexes. While everyone is motivated by different shit. And none of this is gonna change. Fluidity or confusions is a real experience for some. And the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, fascination, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum is incredibly wide and varied. Therefore, I find myself not caring much about identity any longer. People are always going to do what they want to do and identify as whatever they want. You can’t control any of that. I’m just tired of the fetishizing of identity, the constant idolizing of “straight” or overall hetero-leaning dudes (which Graham is partially responsible for), the constant politicizing of identity and behaviors, and the way we use identity to create sociological barriers. All those things are just lame at this point.
rand503
well said, and I agree completely. And what you said applies only to some societies. In others, it’s very strange.
In Thailand, the youngest male is raised as a woman so the she will take care of the parents in their old age. This woman has sex and relationships with men.
In Cambodia, all men of any respectable class only meet women through their families, and it’s strictly chaperoned. They simply aren’t allowed to meet women otherwise. So growing up, all their sex is with men because they have no other realistic options (except hiring a prostitute). When they get married, they are supposed to drop the male sex, but most don’t because they have learned that fun sex is with men.
In Afghanistan, it is common for adolecsent boys to dress up in make up and dresses and be attached to an older man. Then they grow out of it by their 20s.
In the Saudi Arabia, men have sex with other men all the time, and women have sex with other women, even though it is totally taboo.
In Greece, men are “fool around” with their male friends, but it doesn’t really count, of course.
there are many more variations. Ours is just one. Bottomline: No one really understands human sexuallity.
Donston
A lot of that post was rather disturbing, though I have heard of those things happening. I do agree that no one genuinely understands sexuality or orientation. So, the constant identity politicking doesn’t serve much purpose. While people will always use identity and behaviors for political, sociological, financial, ego purposes. All we can do is focus on making sure people are not scared to be themselves, and we can hear out people’s issues and concerns. We can also try to make sure people at least attempt to understand the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, fascination, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum. But this obsession with identity is just not working any longer. It’s leading to more and more narcissism and self-consciousness and victim mentalities, and it’s not genuinely assisting with honesty and less manipulation. It’s time to focus on something else and approach the conversation of sexuality and orientation less identity centered.
bigblackhose
“…But tons of straight-identifying people indulge whatever with their sex.” 100% well-written, well-said. EXCELLENT!
Josh in OR
More hetero-fetishization…wheeee…
Josh447
I think there may be alot of guys who wouldn’t put up with the lgbtq label, it’s full of baggage not applicable to many especially the TQ part. These days labels are scrambled so I think it’s best to let people use whatever label they want and don’t judge it. Best be to each his own.
Kangol2
All I’ll say is as soon as I saw the headline, I knew the byline would be “Graham Gremore”! Come on, man, surprise us from time to time. Please.
Donston
It’d be one thing is Graham was about supporting “no labels”, embracing everyone’s individual journey, understanding and accepting the orientation spectrum. But it really isn’t any more complicated than fetishizing straight identifying men and dudes who are with women but have sex with guys. It’s not a bit more complicated than that. I also suppose it must get the site clicks and comments. But at this point it’s moved from kinda gross to just boring.
CurtisIsTheOne
“Grandma Gremore” and her fetish of gay guys having sex with their “bros”. Give it a break, Grannie.
Cam
This particular Queerty author seems to have a fascination with “Straight” guys. So here we have ANOTHER article about a guy who likes sleeping with closet cases.
And Queerty, you do a disservice to the community by buying into the right wing “LGBT people don’t exist” mantra.
i.e. there are no LGBT people because even though these guys sleep mostly with the same sex, they aren’t gay because they call themselves “Straight”. (Eye Roll).
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
ALWAYS the same theme….
Donston
This site’s obsession with validating and fetishizing these men is problematic. And it speaks to the insecurities of many supposedly “proudly queer” dudes. If you’re all about supporting your own and all about loving guys who love guys then this stuff is not a primary focus of yours. On the other hand, being “out” has never corresponded with identity. There are plenty of people who identify as whatever, but they’re still manipulative, still hiding their aspects, still lacking is confidence, still full of shit. Being “out” to me is more about not being afraid to share your dimensions and struggles, not allowing sociological/family/religious pressures to dictate you, and doing what you really want to do and loving/being with who you really want to love and be with. We made everything about identity and trying to “prove” things to people, and now we’re paying the price.
Cam
@Donston
I agree with the idea behind what you’re saying. I find it problematic from the viewpoint of, if say, Republicans keep passing laws against us, they aren’t going to care about the nuances of our self identification. Us being Trans, Pan, Bi, Gay, Lesbian, etc…
We’re all just “Dirty Homos” to Republicans. So labeling obviously queer people as Straight, which this author constantly does, just, if you’ll excuse the phrasing…leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Sure they are straight!!
To the most available dick. 🙂
MrMichaelJ
I’ve had more than my fair share of ‘straight’ guys going gay for the 1st time but I call bullsh!t on this one.
Jack Meoff
You know that these guys who say it’s their first time say that to every guy every time. It’s part of the game they play.
MrMichaelJ
Uh Jack you sound typical. Lets just say the last straight guy I had was an 18yo surfer who lived in my complex and when I told another straight guy who lived in the complex I had hooked up with someone he kept guessing over and over every guy but that surfer because he was the straightest guy there. I get you don’t have game but i do so try again and next time grow some a pair to put your face as your avatar
ShiningSex
IF A MAN SLEEPS WITH A GUY ONCE AND ONLY ONCE, THAT’S BI-CURIOUS.
IF IT’S MORE THAN THAT. HE’S NOT STRAIGHT. HE’S BI.
Heywood Jablowme
Graham Gremore probably thinks those “Jake from State Farm” commercials are HOT!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
🙂
Josh447
Love it when a confirmed HoT straight guy screams “fk me harder, fk me deeper!” Seriously blw worthy HoT.
I asked my “str8” buddy why he doesn’t at least call himself bisexual. He said “I wouldn’t touch that stinky LGBTQ label no way no how. I’m not akin to being lumped in with tra*nies Q’s and drag que*ens”. He prefers str8 with benefits.
Keep it coming Graham. These guys need to be heard.
Donston
It’s funny how you claimed in a previous article that fem-phobia was not a real thing. But your “straight friend” seems to suffer from it. And almost every time we see an article about a drag queen or an overtly fem male there’s hate towards them for not being a “real man”. But okay, fem-phobia is not a thing. Furthermore, every time I’ve asked a closeted or “straight” identifying male who is not hetero why he’s closeted or straight identifying, it never has to do with trans people or drag queens. The majority of these guys want to make sure people don’t view them as “gay”. There’s often internalized homophobia, fear, family/religious pressures, confusions or fluidity, or they don’t care about “labels” and the politics of identity, or they genuinely feel that they are “straight” and don’t think being a non hetero or indulging non hetero behaviors means that you’re not “straight”. That quote from your friend sounds more like stuff that openly gay/bi identifying guys say because they resent being connected in whatever ways to trans people, drag queens, non-binary, and guys who wear makeup and “women’s clothes”. While you’ve hinted in that past that you have some resentment towards those types. So, to be honest, that quote seems more likely to come from you than your supposed “straight friend”.
It’s also funny how you’re all about hyping up identity when it’s about making sure to separate “gay” from “bi”, but you don’t care if a dude wants to call himself “straight”, even if he is homosexual or has overall homo attractions, passions, affections, emotional fulfillment, contentment. All of this either points to your opinions either changing a ton over the past few months or it points to your hypocrisy.
The problem with these articles about “straight guys” is that 90% of them are from the perspective of openly gay/bi/queer/whatever men. And most of them are incredibly shallow, lacking in any nuance or insight. They don’t genuinely confront any real issues or divisions or identity politics. That’s what makes them pure fetish and makes them unnecessary. But it’s obvious at this point that you yourself fetishize these closeted/straight-identifying/hetero-leaning men, which is probably why you’re obsessed with protecting your bi identity. It seems to have less to do with you feeling genuinely “bi” and more to do with you wanting to remain attached these guys. This is partly what I’m talking about when I claim ego and sociology often has a lot to do with identity. You keep exposing yourself little by little. And yet you love to claim I got issues and love to dismiss my points about people and the world.
Josh447
There’s bugs in your word salad.
Matthewnow
The guy is a common gutter whore. Welcome to HIV.
Donston
There isn’t even any real consensus around what a heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual, pan-sexual, etc. actually is. Are those things about attractions? Arousal? Sexual enjoyment? Desire? Lifestyle? Preferences? When you add the realities of fluidity and how varied the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum can be, it doesn’t serve a ton of purpose to be obsessed with identity. We need to stop being so concerned with trying to prove something or add validation to whatever identities. Just do what you want to do, don’t actively manipulate people, and don’t be driven by shame or fear or social pressures. If everyone operated on that level we wouldn’t keep seeing this obsession with “straight guys”.
Ronbo
Can someone stop Donston’s long, long comments, please?
Dude, you look long-winded and you know what they say about people who can’t get enough of themselves. Right?
Donston
Oh look, it’s another person who only posts when they want to say something hateful or nasty. I wonder which one of these lame’s alternate handles is this one? (Perhaps Josh447. Someone who always has a lot of shade to throw my way and offers a cute one-liner but ultimately is a shallow, basic fagot who adds nothing to the conversation). It really doesn’t matter though.
Donston
Ain’t no grown as fvck dudes walking around saying that they’re “straight” because they don’t want to be associated with trans people, drag queens, or males who wear makeup or might have dimensions in their sense of gender or gender expression. Most of these dudes simply don’t want to be associated with “gay” in any way. Your “friend” does not represent what keeps guys closeted. Or why a guy might feel he is “straight” despite not being heterosexual or living a hetero lifestyle. Considering what you’ve posted in the past though, that quote from your “straight friend” does seem very much like an opinion of yours. Besides, why would you even want to be friends with and have a persistent sexual relationship with someone who thinks like that? Where’s your self-respect? Where’s your supposed “bi pride”, boo? Someone can shit on other people, but as long as it’s not you or what you care about it’s alright?
You are a lame, a hater, a hypocrite and a very bad liar. And I’m glad that I upset you so much. Make yourself less clock-able next time.
ShiningSex
THEY’RE NOT STRAIGHT IF THEY ARE HAVING SEX WITH MEN. BIG DUH!!!!
Dick Gozinia
I don’t believe a word of it. An ‘anonymous’ author can claim anything.
P.S. I don’t read the Comments that are longer than the original story.